My wife wants me to leave. She says she wants a divorce. And it's my fault.

[garee]

People like my self become lazy or comfortably numb as in Revelation …I will spew you out. And therefore stop working. God has designed relationships to put way childish things as in …. You do the work I will amuse ourselves to death.

Familiarity or thinking in that way can cause contempt which can lead to hatred. Which is not blessing the other person by taking them for granted.

The unbelieving Jews in that way became familia ,in a self serving god concept and thought the judgment of God was not in respect to their own selves making the cross without effect. They were not living in their own truth according to their own lives and judged the God who created them turning things upside down .

When he came to his own they believed him not. Again as part of God’s design familiarity can breed contempt which can lead to hatred and separation. Today give it to God listen to the spouse who longs to connect as a possible cure to loneliness..

Much prayer is needed. How does a person date a person they have been with for over 25 years without familiarity getting in the way ?

 

[Conversationand]

Dude, I don't know why folks are coming up with what they think happened and then are berating you for it. It looks like your losing your wife right now. Maybe it's your fault, I dunno, but I know that it hurts.

Lord, I pray for RBW8, that you would use his pain to help him lean on you. That in you he would find that peace that passes understanding. I pray that he would see how you love and that he might express his own love the way that you express yours. In the name of Jesus, amen.

RBW8, I have found Christ's love to be patient, and though you may not forgive yourself for a time yet, Christ has already extended forgiveness to you for those sins. Sometimes I have to admit that my life has trials because I was doing a bad job trying to run it instead of letting Christ have the reins. The best resource I can offer you is the Word of God. It is better than any other book you can buy.

 

[Miri]

The thing is, men, don't realise how vulnerable women can feel and be.

Im talking generally here, if a woman feels threatened, put down, under the
thumb, scared. Afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing in case of more threats,
aggressive behaviour etc. Then they are well within their rights to flee and not
look back. They are well within their rights to never trust that person again.

Domestic abuse can be both physical and mental, it can last years, months or just weeks.
Either way the woman will be aftraid.


I know of one woman (I'm using this as it seemed to have been a one off). Whose
husband was in the army, when he came home from leave he was a bit different full
of stress, anger. One night they had a disagreement it wasn't a massive disagreement,
but he suddenly started threatening her and chased her around the house.
She ran upstairs and locked herself in the bathroom and called the police.


They were both christians.

She took out an injunction on him and they split up. It was just one single incident
but in that single incident she became afraid for her life, lost all trust in him.

Thats all it takes, there are people on here who seem to think a bit of trouble for a short
while isn't that bad. But how bad does it have to get.

Is a few weeks of abusive threatening words bad enoigh, a single punch bad enough.
One threatening phone call etc. Or maybe murder is enough.

Men are far stronger than women and more able to inflict severe damage.
Every day across the news there are news stories about abused spouses. Some long term
some who just flipped once and it ended up with murder.

Take a look at this.

Abused and Battered Women Facts & Statistics


The OP said his wife was in an abusive relationship, then they got married and once
again she feels threatened by the man she loves!

Did she do the right thing getting out - absolutely! Who wants to live in fear!

To the OP, I've put this here so you can see what damage has been done and
for you to see how much you will have to change and work on yourself
if you want to resolve this. It's time to stop seeing things from your point of
view and coming up with excuses. It's time to start actively doing something
to change the anger and jealousy issue you have.

Its time to be totally honest and seek out councilling and anger management etc.

 

[Depleted]

I also reacted to your post the way Miri and Lynn and others did. Because, as someone else said, if your wife had been writing your OP and subsequent posts from her POV, I would have been advising her to leave, too! Or at least get into marriage counselling, and you into personal counselling.

But when I read the bolded part above, that was the icing on the cake. She was abused before. So, obviously, she is overreacting to your abuse? NOT!

There is a problem called "Battered Wife Syndrome." This means, a woman who has been abused in one marriage, will likely be abused in the next marriage. I don't know if it is because the wife picks a partner who will abuse her, or if it is because the husband senses her weakness, or more likely, a combination of both. But a woman who is battered, whether verbally, financially, sexually or physical is fragile, and will end up walking back into the same situation over and over again. Those are the sad facts of domestic abuse.

So, where does that leave you? It leaves you as an abusive person, that she is willing to leave. It leaves you idealizing her as the "perfect wife." And when she is not perfect, it leaves you back abusing her, at least verbally, and the cycle of abuse. It leaves you blaming your work, your father's death, and not admitting what went on before your admitted change to this mean bully.

No one is saying you have to be perfect either, but reading a few books, without intensive therapy is not going to change the way you react and respond to her. She's been lied to, and abused. She has trust issues. And then, when you turn out to be cast in the mould of her ex, she rightfully wants out.

So what can you do? Well, leave her alone. Get counselling. And not from some Christian organization that tells you the problem is that your wife is not submissive enough. That is just from the pit of hell! Instead, find a secular counsellor who will help you understand what you are doing. Learn about the Cycle of Abuse. I'll bet my bottom dollar you have been in it in one form or another since you met her. And do seek God, on your knees and in the Word daily. And give up thinking that this time, somehow, you can stay in the "honeymoon" phase forever, when you will just slip into calm, and then tension building leading to an incident or "acting out" stage.

Cycle of Abuse

God wants us to be a servant of all. He wants us to love others before ourselves. See if these things apply. If they do not, then my apologies. But too many red flags for me!

But assuming he is an abuser because she married an abuser before is like, (and I am not charging RBW with this, just making a comparison in the cycles of violent tendencies that go on in the world), saying a child who was molested will grow up to be a molester or a homosexual. In the majority of cases, it is true. But "majority" doesn't mean 80-100%. It means above 50%. "Majority," not "vast majority." Most people I know who were abused in first marriage go with "I'm never going to date that kind of jackass again." And they don't. (Or they do, and then learn to "don't" after the second disaster.) And I will give that may well be true because most people I know who were abused in the first 1-2 marriages also had one other thing going for them -- God. Somewhere along the line, (usually after marrying the first jackass), God saves them.

And, (personal opinion from observation here), I think God changes them enough that they no longer have such a big visible mark on them that is like neon lights for other abusers to see and come running. The Lord really does change us. One of the first things he changes us about is we are no longer victims. Our mannerisms change when we realize that, and because we are no longer cast in the neon glow of being a victim, that mark disappears.

I don't think RBW is an abuser. And I don't think he is an abuser because he says he has the traits of knowing marriage is a partnership, not a domination. (He does not think she should slave over the house and serve her master when he comes home from work.) And, he says the boorish attitudes and the threat happened only when everything fell apart. They've been married for four years. No abuser can maintain not-abusing for one year, once more three years. The abuse has to come out quicker than that.

BUT that he did threaten her tells me he has the potential to be abusive. I think that's what brought him running to here. He caught a glimpse of the beast deep inside. AND, he came running for fear it would take over. Better yet, he came running to God about that, not to other people. The reason he came here is to find out how to get God to change him into Dr. Jekyll side, because he did see Mr. Hyde.

These aren't the signs of a long-term abuser, even if he may have abused in other ways. (Haven't we all abused along the way?)

 

[Depleted]

The thing is, men, don't realise how vulnerable women can feel and be.

Im talking generally here, if a woman feels threatened, put down, under the
thumb, scared. Afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing in case of more threats,
aggressive behaviour etc. Then they are well within their rights to flee and not
look back. They are well within their rights to never trust that person again.

Domestic abuse can be both physical and mental, it can last years, months or just weeks.
Either way the woman will be aftraid.


I know of one woman (I'm using this as it seemed to have been a one off). Whose
husband was in the army, when he came home from leave he was a bit different full
of stress, anger. One night they had a disagreement it wasn't a massive disagreement,
but he suddenly started threatening her and chased her around the house.
She ran upstairs and locked herself in the bathroom and called the police.


They were both christians.

She took out an injunction on him and they split up. It was just one single incident
but in that single incident she became afraid for her life, lost all trust in him.

Thats all it takes, there are people on here who seem to think a bit of trouble for a short
while isn't that bad. But how bad does it have to get.

Is a few weeks of abusive threatening words bad enoigh, a single punch bad enough.
One threatening phone call etc. Or maybe murder is enough.

Men are far stronger than women and more able to inflict severe damage.
Every day across the news there are news stories about abused spouses. Some long term
some who just flipped once and it ended up with murder.

Take a look at this.

Abused and Battered Women Facts & Statistics


The OP said his wife was in an abusive relationship, then they got married and once
again she feels threatened by the man she loves!

Did she do the right thing getting out - absolutely! Who wants to live in fear!

To the OP, I've put this here so you can see what damage has been done and
for you to see how much you will have to change and work on yourself
if you want to resolve this. It's time to stop seeing things from your point of
view and coming up with excuses. It's time to start actively doing something
to change the anger and jealousy issue you have.

Its time to be totally honest and seek out councilling and anger management etc.

He threatened her over the phone the day she left. Should she have left? You betcha! Should she divorce? I don't know.

The time I considered leaving hubby, I wasn't thinking "divorce." I was thinking, "I need time to think this out and calm down." Always knew I was coming back. Probably in 1-2 days. Never even dawned on me that same time he'd be thinking stuff out too.

In this situation, I suspect I'd be gone for months to see what he was going to do about it. Frankly, reading books would have told me he's thinking it over a little bit, but clearly not enough. Joining a gym would have ticked me off, since I did not marry him for his looks. (Not to say, he's not a looker. But he absolutely knows my first freak-out was when he decided to take off his beard and I thought that would change him drastically, and I liked him just the way he was. Hey! I was young and dumb. lol) That he's taking care of the dog is a plus. Moving back into the house would make me nervous, but, at least that tells me, he's waiting for me, if I return. Hearing from Mom that he's still checking up on me, would be good. UNLESS, he's threatening her too. (I do get how big being threatened is, so that would be a concern.)

You know what would be the sign that he might be trustworthy again is? Counseling. Not merely an anger management class, because frankly, they're so generic, they're fairly useless. Not merely group counseling, because that can just be a support group, (A "she done left me. Where's my beer?" group), or it might be useful.

I'm not one to quit on a marriage. But three things would have to happen before I dare walk back into that house again:
1. He gets counseling.
2. He asks me to join him after a while.
3. Dates. I'd have to get back to knowing him again to see if he has changed in short-term situations enough to dare the longer-term.

AND, since his mom is still in crisis, I'd have to know he's being a good son to her.

Right now though, I'm left wondering if RBW is coming back. If he can't stand the little heat he got here, (and he was NEVER attacked), it tells me he won't go past antidotal self-help books.

 

[blue_ladybug]

You have serious emotional problems. She left you, get a clue from that. If I was her, I'd have kicked you to the curb the first time you got jealous and angry at her.. You treated her like crap, and now she's gone. Begging will only make you look more pathetic than you already do. Newsflash: she's not perfect. Neither are you. And you're definitely not perfect for each other.. Respect her wishes for space, stop trying to contact her, stop begging, own up to how you treated her, and stop trying to win her back because in doing so, you may just push her further away..

You need to PROVE to her that you're going to be a better husband, and not an angry possessive jerk..

This is the best woman I've ever met and I did not treat her like so. My jealousy and anger ruined our relationship. She is faithful and is God fearing. Today I left. She left exactly a week ago today. Will not speak to me on the phone. Will barely respond to messages on social media (the only way I've been able to contact her).

she put God back in my life. She truly walks the walk. I was. It good to get. I thought that just because I provided for her, gave her lots of physical attention and didn't cheat that I was a great husband. I wasn't.

i was jealous and threatened her over the phone the day she left. Her mom doesn't want this for us because we are close too. Her mom said that my wife told her that she always feels like everything she does is wrong and nothing is ever good enough.

shes right. That's how I treated her. I never realized it until now. I've been reading some books. I'd like some recommendations for good books that might help.

Any advice? Right now I'm leacing because I feel she needs her space. I keep begging but I stopped that too. I pray she has forgiveness once she leaves her friends and goes home. I pray that she can see that I see where I was wrong and can be good to and for her. I never want to feel this way again. I don't want to lose my wife. She's perfect. Can I get some ways to "win her back". Without showing up at the house begging. I want to respect her space and I know ultimately she will have to make her decision on her own. But is there ANYTHING I can do at this point?

 

[CaptainGoat]

This is the best woman I've ever met and I did not treat her like so. My jealousy and anger ruined our relationship. She is faithful and is God fearing. Today I left. She left exactly a week ago today. Will not speak to me on the phone. Will barely respond to messages on social media (the only way I've been able to contact her).

she put God back in my life. She truly walks the walk. I was. It good to get. I thought that just because I provided for her, gave her lots of physical attention and didn't cheat that I was a great husband. I wasn't.

i was jealous and threatened her over the phone the day she left. Her mom doesn't want this for us because we are close too. Her mom said that my wife told her that she always feels like everything she does is wrong and nothing is ever good enough.

shes right. That's how I treated her. I never realized it until now. I've been reading some books. I'd like some recommendations for good books that might help.

Any advice? Right now I'm leacing because I feel she needs her space. I keep begging but I stopped that too. I pray she has forgiveness once she leaves her friends and goes home. I pray that she can see that I see where I was wrong and can be good to and for her. I never want to feel this way again. I don't want to lose my wife. She's perfect. Can I get some ways to "win her back". Without showing up at the house begging. I want to respect her space and I know ultimately she will have to make her decision on her own. But is there ANYTHING I can do at this point?

Be kind to her and pray. He will sort it. It may take time. Give the situation to God. (Best not to listen to those who have wrecked their marriages and feel they have the right to wreck yours as well. They are acting against God Himself who is the one who made marriages. Look to Him! God can do miracles).
I hope all goes well. God bless.

 

[EarnestQ]

You have serious emotional problems. She left you, get a clue from that. If I was her, I'd have kicked you to the curb the first time you got jealous and angry at her.. You treated her like crap, and now she's gone. Begging will only make you look more pathetic than you already do. Newsflash: she's not perfect. Neither are you. And you're definitely not perfect for each other.. Respect her wishes for space, stop trying to contact her, stop begging, own up to how you treated her, and stop trying to win her back because in doing so, you may just push her further away..

You need to PROVE to her that you're going to be a better husband, and not an angry possessive jerk..

Ya know, Ladybug, there might be some women who would interpret his not trying to get back together as a message that he doesn't want to get back together, so backing off entirely may not be the best in ALL situations. It takes wisdom to know how much to try to redeem the relationship and not drive her away by pressing too hard or not hard enough.

 

[blue_ladybug]

He HAS been trying to get her back. Begging, is the word he used. If she's fed up with him and doesn't want to take him back, all the begging in the world won't change her mind.. SHE'S the one not contacting HIM.

Ya know, Ladybug, there might be some women who would interpret his not trying to get back together as a message that he doesn't want to get back together, so backing off entirely may not be the best in ALL situations. It takes wisdom to know how much to try to redeem the relationship and not drive her away by pressing too hard or not hard enough.

 

[slave]

Nobody is perfect, even your wife. My advice is to allow her time and space to decompress and find out what she truly wants and needs at this point of her life. It's going to take more that reading a book on your part for her to want to come back to you. I believe that your marriage is salvageable, mainly because you have remained faithful to her. This will take a lot of prayer, contemplation and application on both of your parts. You both must be willing to place God in the center of your relationship and to follow His guidance. I would skip the contact on social media as that seems tacky and a bit cloying. Glad to have you join us. Welcome to CC.

Hello RBW8 - I will certainly pray that you can use this situation to lay down your life in the hands of God thru Jesus Christ; For your life sake as well as your marriage. But I am also focused on her faith in Christ. Divorce is not God's directive for her here we read in Scripture, despite me not knowing your whole history with her, but I will pray for His joy to bring her strength; strength to fight for the marriage.

If I were you, I wouldn't focus on reading books, I would rather place myself at the foot of Jesus, and my knees before God. This is a crossroads God has placed in front of you, will you let go of your life in order to save it? Confess your sins and ask for forgiveness and ask Him to give you His abundant life, as your New Life. He promises to do that as He becomes your way and truth and life.

To this I will pray earnestly for you, and for the sake of the marriage as well. God bless you for reaching out to us, and the prayers of His Children will have effect; for where there are two or more of His Saints there He is also!. Go well with God....Nice to meet you and I am empathetic to the situation you are going thru in these struggles in marriage, for I went thru similar pain myself. My name is Dan, come over and we can kick up and discuss and discover a book or two (in the Bible).

 

[Depleted]

You have serious emotional problems. She left you, get a clue from that. If I was her, I'd have kicked you to the curb the first time you got jealous and angry at her.. You treated her like crap, and now she's gone. Begging will only make you look more pathetic than you already do. Newsflash: she's not perfect. Neither are you. And you're definitely not perfect for each other.. Respect her wishes for space, stop trying to contact her, stop begging, own up to how you treated her, and stop trying to win her back because in doing so, you may just push her further away..

You need to PROVE to her that you're going to be a better husband, and not an angry possessive jerk..

^ ^ ^
And this is why I did not accept the friend request.

It is always, always, always seen as abuse from you because you did NOT kick the guy to the curb the first time -- twice! So what do you do? You verbally abuse any guy who may or may not be abusive on this forum as your one-size-fits-all scenario.

You need counseling too, except you obviously think you're right and the rest of the world is wrong.

It shows -- each and every time you respond to a guy with a troubled marriage.

 

[blue_ladybug]

I haven't told him to do anything that he hasn't already said he needs to do, other than seek counseling.. And NO, I DON'T think that I'm right and the rest of the world is wrong.. that's YOUR assumption..

^ ^ ^
And this is why I did not accept the friend request.

It is always, always, always seen as abuse from you because you did NOT kick the guy to the curb the first time -- twice! So what do you do? You verbally abuse any guy who may or may not be abusive on this forum as your one-size-fits-all scenario.

You need counseling too, except you obviously think you're right and the rest of the world is wrong.

It shows -- each and every time you respond to a guy with a troubled marriage.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Read the OP, Lynn. HE admitted abusing her, it's not any accusation that I made about him.. AND she was abused by a previous partner, so they both have serious problems..

^ ^ ^
And this is why I did not accept the friend request.

It is always, always, always seen as abuse from you because you did NOT kick the guy to the curb the first time -- twice! So what do you do? You verbally abuse any guy who may or may not be abusive on this forum as your one-size-fits-all scenario.

You need counseling too, except you obviously think you're right and the rest of the world is wrong.

It shows -- each and every time you respond to a guy with a troubled marriage.

 

[Solemateleft]

The thing is, men, don't realise how vulnerable women can feel and be.

Im talking generally here, if a woman feels threatened, put down, under the
thumb, scared. Afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing in case of more threats,
aggressive behaviour etc. Then they are well within their rights to flee and not
look back. They are well within their rights to never trust that person again.

Domestic abuse can be both physical and mental, it can last years, months or just weeks.
Either way the woman will be aftraid.


I know of one woman (I'm using this as it seemed to have been a one off). Whose
husband was in the army, when he came home from leave he was a bit different full
of stress, anger. One night they had a disagreement it wasn't a massive disagreement,
but he suddenly started threatening her and chased her around the house.
She ran upstairs and locked herself in the bathroom and called the police.


They were both christians.

She took out an injunction on him and they split up. It was just one single incident
but in that single incident she became afraid for her life, lost all trust in him.

Thats all it takes, there are people on here who seem to think a bit of trouble for a short
while isn't that bad. But how bad does it have to get.
.....

Its time to be totally honest and seek out councilling and anger management etc.

Miri - I 'Liked' this response. However, I do find myself conflicted with the Army Soldier story... As in that case it would appear that he changed after a deployment that may have resulted in Post-Tramatic-Stress-Syndrome (PTSD)... Which would suggest that he was ill (mentally wounded vs physically wounded) and in need of help. So instead of being afforded the opportunity to be diagnosed to possibly become the recipient of a much needed mental wheelchair (analogy) for his injuries - he is deemed fit to be kicked to the curb...
I'm also conflicted with the tendency to recommend 'individual counseling' that does not take into account the need to account for and examine the inherent complexities and training required for effective 'couples therapy'... Too many counselors who are unqualified to administer couples therapy are too often too quick to pull the trigger by inadvertently recommending steps toward individual remedy that unnecessarily result in broken marriages...
Ref: "HOW THERAPISTS HARM MARRIAGES AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT"
by William J. Doherty
http://dohertyrelationshipinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/8/2015/04/howtherapists.pdf

 

[RBW8]

Actually I was pretty clear that yeah I apologized and begged but I said that I quit to give her space and leave her alone. But you already knew that and chose to ignore it.


Look, to the ladies; I'm sorry you had to go through whatever you went through. I will pray for you. I don't think anyone deserves it which is why I felt so crappy about it. Or pathetic. Or emotional. However you'd like to label it.


I understand how you could jump to conclusions. I'm really seeking help. It's not like I thought some random people on the internet would track my wife down and convince her to get back with me (lol). Maybe I don't communicate well. I was just giving a background on my emotions I was having and seeking guidance.


To those who went straight to the big picture, thank you. I feel really good. I have my sad moments but I feel good to be able to talk to God and know he's listening and I'm not just talking to myself. I know it's a lifestyle and nothing is fixed in a matter of days but I feel like I'm taking the right steps to walk in God's light.

I know she's not perfect. I feel she's perfect for me. She can be snarky at times but she would always bring up "being equally yoked". The truth was I wasn't and my heart wasn't truly in it no matter how many christian songs I listened to and services I attended.


I really do feel God's presence now. I tell myself not to judge. I quit curseing even though I'm around it all day at work. I'm noticing more brothers in Christ at work. I never paid attention to it. I put ROMANS 8:31 on my hard hat and enjoy people noticing and even more so telling people what it is when they ask.

Before it gets misconstrued (how could that ever happen? Lol) I want to say that I'm not claiming to be a perfect Christian. But I'm happy with the direction it's going.

God bless you all, I like the actual advice I did receive. I saved this site and plan to be a regular "go-to". There seems to be some good people here.

 

[RBW8]

Thanks brother.

 

[Depleted]

I haven't told him to do anything that he hasn't already said he needs to do, other than seek counseling.. And NO, I DON'T think that I'm right and the rest of the world is wrong.. that's YOUR assumption..

Yeah?

You have serious emotional problems. She left you, get a clue from that. If I was her, I'd have kicked you to the curb the first time you got jealous and angry at her.. You treated her like crap, and now she's gone. Begging will only make you look more pathetic than you already do. Newsflash: she's not perfect. Neither are you. And you're definitely not perfect for each other.. Respect her wishes for space, stop trying to contact her, stop begging, own up to how you treated her, and stop trying to win her back because in doing so, you may just push her further away..

You need to PROVE to her that you're going to be a better husband, and not an angry possessive jerk..

Where exactly did he decide he should "Respect her wishes for space, stop trying to contact her, stop begging, own up to how you treated her, and stop trying to win her back because in doing so, you may just push her further away?"

"You need to PROVE to her that you're going to be a better husband, and not an angry possessive jerk."

And when did he decide he is an "angry possessive jerk?"

You're about as truthful as Bill Clinton and as Christian and loving as the leaders of ISIS.

And I'm absolutely sure you'll spend the next 2-3 post defending yourself, because, of course, this has always been about you.

 

[Depleted]

Miri - I 'Liked' this response. However, I do find myself conflicted with the Army Soldier story... As in that case it would appear that he changed after a deployment that may have resulted in Post-Tramatic-Stress-Syndrome (PTSD)... Which would suggest that he was ill (mentally wounded vs physically wounded) and in need of help. So instead of being afforded the opportunity to be diagnosed to possibly become the recipient of a much needed mental wheelchair (analogy) for his injuries - he is deemed fit to be kicked to the curb...
I'm also conflicted with the tendency to recommend 'individual counseling' that does not take into account the need to account for and examine the inherent complexities and training required for effective 'couples therapy'... Too many counselors who are unqualified to administer couples therapy are too often too quick to pull the trigger by inadvertently recommending steps toward individual remedy that unnecessarily result in broken marriages...
Ref: "HOW THERAPISTS HARM MARRIAGES AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT"
by William J. Doherty
http://dohertyrelationshipinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/8/2015/04/howtherapists.pdf

Always assuming Christian counseling. And that's Christian counseling, not merely counseling from someone who deems himself Christian too.

 

[Miri]

Miri - I 'Liked' this response. However, I do find myself conflicted with the Army Soldier story... As in that case it would appear that he changed after a deployment that may have resulted in Post-Tramatic-Stress-Syndrome (PTSD)... Which would suggest that he was ill (mentally wounded vs physically wounded) and in need of help. So instead of being afforded the opportunity to be diagnosed to possibly become the recipient of a much needed mental wheelchair (analogy) for his injuries - he is deemed fit to be kicked to the curb...
I'm also conflicted with the tendency to recommend 'individual counseling' that does not take into account the need to account for and examine the inherent complexities and training required for effective 'couples therapy'... Too many counselors who are unqualified to administer couples therapy are too often too quick to pull the trigger by inadvertently recommending steps toward individual remedy that unnecessarily result in broken marriages...
Ref: "HOW THERAPISTS HARM MARRIAGES AND WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT"
by William J. Doherty
http://dohertyrelationshipinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/8/2015/04/howtherapists.pdf

The story was more about the single incident and how the woman felt.
I was putting it out there to show how a single incident can cause untold
damage to a relationship and how a single incident can leave a woman fearing
for her life.

I agree he had problems due to his own army experiences and needed help.

 

[stillness]

By now you likely see that the time apart is for good, for both of you to turn to the Lord for help and not be codependent in the relationship: forsaking anyone or anything including your own life, that would come between you and the Lord. Your wife saw the importance to get affirmation from the Lord first. There is much to be said here and I don't have to be overwhelming but if you have time to read a study posted in poems and poetry: journey to enter into rest, it will help you understand, but understanding does no change us, God does, "If I have all knowledge and have not Love, I am nothing." We need to come to Him especially as believers. Believers are in a fight of Faith that works by Love and not apart from Him. Unbelievers are not involved in this war, but we all suffer whether to grow in Love or apart from Him. I have updated the study and will post the updated version, There are some things apparently still misunderstood, a woman who wrote to me was quite upset to think that we have to grow in Love through suffering. It occurred to me later that she was referring tongs mentioned in the study, following Christ in His suffering. As mentioned we all suffer, but as believers the Holy spirit is with us and comforts us. I have not tried to explain that part better yet. I have gone over this study over a 100 times in the past year and am fascinated by it and it's a work in progress, a one hour read.