Im losing my mind. Ive been losing faith and hope, things keep getting worse. Please dont bash me and please dont send me quotes.

Soc1 · Oct 4, 2018

I will pray with and for you brother...
I pray that the lord blesses you with the strength to persevere...
I pray that the lord blesses you with the strength to seize this opportunity to focus all of your efforts in ward and strive to become the best version of yourself such that your daughter learns to know and trust the truth from within your soul...
I pray that our lord blesses you with the strength to pray the serenity prayer every day in such a way that it's genuine meaning, purpose and intent can begin to take hold upon you, your heart and your choices along your journey.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

Remember that your path to peace is your choice, and your journey to peace is with him - not against him..

My God Bless you and your daughter during these times of need...

Im at my best version, did you miss the part where I said she had a Mental Illness?
If you have children try and reflect on how believing youd feel if they had lost their minds? Then try that for years.

Solemateleft · Oct 4, 2018

Soc1 said:

Brother - I do see and feel and empathize with your pain and your struggles. It is abundantly clear that the root of your struggle is your genuine love for your daughter... Knowing all these truths - while I as a mere christian man am incapable of solving your problems for you - all I can offer or any of us mere mortals here in cc can offer are our prayers, condolences and insightful words of wisdom and advise...
Simply stated - your anger and your frustration are completely understandable - nobody here can fault you nor should anyone here judge you...
Rather, the question we pose to you during your time of crisis and need is for you to ask yourself this question: do you honestly believe that your anger will in anyway serve as the means to resolving your daughters challenges? or will in anyway serve to improve your relationship with her?

I can relate, in that I have lost my brother to a brain tumor at the age of 27 over 30 years ago. He left three kids and a widowed mother behind... In the wake of his passing his oldest son dealt with anger issues and ended up dying of a gun-shot wound to his chest at the age of 22; My niece has lost her way and remains to struggle with knowing and respecting her own self-worth; while my sister-in-law and my youngest nephew have persevered and been rewarded via being blessed with their renewed strength via their faith and walk with the Lord...

Bottomline - anger is not the path to peace nor will it resolve your struggles...

Soc1 · Oct 5, 2018

Solemateleft said:

Nothing sustains like hate or anger. Unless youve lost a child you cant relate, if its his actual mother ask her how she feels. Im still waiting on those insightful words. Except for a select few on here most do not understand. Quotes from a poorly translated book, through many languages and 4-500 yrs , do not make for hope and faith. Im sure Karl Marx was right when he said "religion is the opiate of the masses"
maI have a problem with those that are washed in the blood of Jesus. Jesus suffered for 3 days, many on this earth currently have been suffering much longer. Check out references to unicorns in the bible, maybe just maybe youll see what I mean.

blue_ladybug · Oct 5, 2018

Hate and anger don't sustain a person. They destroy every part of that person. Those emotions are not of God or from God. Maybe He is waiting for you to lay aside your hate and anger against Him and your ex-wife. I suggest you read the book of Job and how he struggled, yet still gave praise and glory to God through it all..

justpassinthrough · Oct 5, 2018

Soc1 said:

The Lord Jesus Christ loves you and has not abandoned you.

The first step you will need to take in order to see things change is to forgive your ex wife, the child’s mother.

Truly repent of unforgivness before God, and you will see great relief from anxiety in your life.

Once you have done this, you will have peace and can begin to use your God given authority as head of your house hold to begin to process of restoration through the leading of the Holy Spirit and your faith.

JPT

oldethennew · Oct 5, 2018

ACTS 8:22-23.
Repent therefore of this your wickedness, and pray God, if perhaps the thought of your heart
may be forgiven you.
For I perceive that you are in the gall of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity.

we will never find any kind of peace, rest, or resolutions, until we surrender our
worldly emotions and will - and we will all greatly suffer at different times,
but never as He did...

preacher4truth · Oct 5, 2018

Soc1 said:

Got to be honest here after reading the OP and this: According to you, you care, you're good, but God doesn't care and isn't good, unless he does your bidding. And, this shouldn't happen to you, it should happen to others.

God is in perfect control and knows what he's doing.

Will pray for your daughter. And you.

Soc1 · Oct 5, 2018

justpassinthrough said:

Keep on passing through, Im supposed to forgive someone that is hurting a child, yet Jesus wouldnt, the millstone thing remember?

I have nothing to repent for, I was a good father, a great Daddy and mother, Im boring I make Mother Theresa look wild. Here's a tip for you, dont give canned answers to situations you know very little of.

Soc1 · Oct 5, 2018

oldethennew said:

He? as in Jesus? Ill trade 3 days on a cross for what I have now, youre another person that talks without knowing a situation, Ill tell you what, go to a St. Judes or Shriner's hospital, even better visti a children's burn ward anywhere. Then you tell them that they should repent and Jesus suffered for them when they have burns over 80% over their bodies and all the morphine in the world isnt stopping their pain. Better yet tell the parent's crying in the waiting room because their child just died on the operating table. Tell them to repent, and left me know how picking their boots out of your teeth feels.

Soc1 · Oct 5, 2018

preacher4truth said:

Got to be honest here after reading the OP and this: According to you, you care, you're good, but God doesn't care and isn't good, unless he does your bidding. And, this shouldn't happen to you, it should happen to others.

God is in perfect control and knows what he's doing.

Will pray for your daughter. And you.

Soc1 · Oct 5, 2018

Look Pal! read what I write not what you think it says, dont put words in my mouth, Im glad he knows what he is doing, Id hate to think there wasnt a good reason for all the suffering in the world.

Soc1 · Oct 5, 2018

preacher4truth said:

If God does all things perfectly why is mankind so imperfect? If in an otherwise perfect creation, part is flawed the whole work is then flawed and Imperfect.

Hepzibah · Oct 5, 2018

Soc1 said:

I have had 4 children alienated from me by their father. Two are now dead to suicide, one become mentally ill, and the other 2 who are in their 30's I barely ever see. I married a narcissist. God has seen me through this. Anger is a choice.

Quantrill · Oct 5, 2018

Soc1 said:

I don't have a clue as to the others side of the story. Just yours. Funny how that usually changes the story.

In listening to you, I don't know that it is better that your wife has custody of your daughter. You are immature, you have a superficial walk with God, and you refuse to listen.

You act like you're the only one that has ever experienced impossible situations and God does not take them away. But that is a lie. Many here I am sure have experienced these things and have not cursed God and blamed God as you do.

Just imagine, if in your state of bitterness towards God, that He gave you your request. What a spiritual nightmare you would be. Blame God, spit in His face, and that causes God to bless me? What a child.

Quantrill

AlisaS · Oct 5, 2018

Soc1 said:

My brother, if i may gently and respectfully say these things:

Testing - however painful and drawn out it may be - is absolutely vital to our spiritual maturity, and to allow Christ to be fully formed in us, while crushing things in us that are not of God.
Imagine that you wanted to physically build your muscles. To do that, you would have to start exercising. If you did no exercise, you muscles would remain weak your whole life. So it is with our faith - if it is never tested, it will never be strengthened. If it’s never strengthened, how will we ever be able to overcome (with Jesus) the evil that is in us and be united with God at the end of our lives? How will we ever allow the things in us that are not of God to die away, so that Christ can be fully formed in us? No testing means no spiritual maturity.

Testing comes in all different forms, levels of severity, and duration. They can come in the form of tormenting thoughts, fear, nightmares, doubts about your salvation, persecution from others, unthinkeable injustices, blasphemous thoughts about God, contempt for God and his Word, thoughts that God has rejected you, thoughts about God not being good, thoughts about being sick and tired of waiting for God, etc.
Only when it’s time for God to grow us up - to mature us spiritually and make us ready for our calling - will these tests come to us. Christ needs to become fully formed within us, and this can’t happen without testing and maturing us spiritually! During testing, the devil will conspire against you to prevent Christ from being formed in you! He will try to get you to give up your faith, hate/mistrust God, curse God to his face or worse - commit suicide. If we don’t understand this battle, how will we know how to respond to it in godly ways?? One example is Joseph from the book of Genesis - he was sold into slavery as a teenager by his own brothers, and endured additional testing while in Egypt for many years. However, his suffering led to the preservation of countless lives during a widespread famine! Because he trusted God, he was given the grace to endure. There is no testing that comes to you that you can’t overcome with Jesus Christ - if you dare to trust in Him!

According to the bible, there seems to be many reasons for testing. One is, if our lives were happy with few or little problems/tests, would we humans fervently seek God? Or would we forget how much we truly need him?? When trouble comes, are our eyes not opened wider to the fact that we need our Savior more than anything? I personally don’t ever want to forget how much i need Him! An example of this is, when the Jews were enslaved for 400 years by the Egyptians, they didn’t do anything to *deserve* it. But, since God had *chosen* them, he allowed them to exercise our free will to choose him back. If they had not been through this kind of testing, how would they truly know that they needed a Savior? He showed them this spectacularly by delivering them from slavery by the hand of Moses. If you trust in the Lord during testing - no matter how long it takes - he WILL deliver you and act on your behalf!!

A second reason is to test and prove that our faith and love for God is *real*. In Job 1:6-12, the Lord testifies with his own lips that Job doesn’t *deserve* to be afflicted (“he is blameless and upright”). The devil tries to get him to curse God to his face during testing/affliction (“but now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face”).
Will each of us, during painful testing, curse God to his face - or will we embrace humility and say “The Lord has given, the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord.”?

**The proving of our faith must happen!!**

A third reason for testing can be for punishment/discipline. Hebrews 12:4-13 explains beautifully how God disiplines only his true children, those whom he loves.

A fourth reason is to break our pride and keep us humble. In Luke 22:31-32, Jesus says to Simon “the devil has asked to sift you like wheat......and when you turn back, strengthen your brothers.” Peter had some pride that needed to be broken, but also, he had to be tested for his calling. Our suffering is in direct proportion to the calling God is leading us to - except we can’t see it ahead of us, only God can! Additionally, in 2 Cor 12:7-10, Paul says “in order to keep me from becoming conceited, i was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan.”

A fifth reason, is for our strengthening. In 2 Samuel 3:1, it says “The war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a long time. David grew stronger and stronger while the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker.” So it is with our faith - through testing (IF we trust God), our faith grows stronger and stronger and the power the devil has over us grows weaker and weaker. In James 4:6-7, it says “But he gives us more grace. God opposes the proud but gives favor to the humble. Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”

All that being said, my brother, i’m not God so i don’t presume to know his specific reasons for testing you in this way. But he loves all of us - loves you - with a love we can’t possibly imagine. God’s ways are not our ways, that’s why it’s so darn hard to make sense out of the things that he allows to happen to us in our lives! But one thing is for sure - Jesus didn’t suffer and die miserably to NOT give you the grace to make it through your testing! They love you, and i love you, and i pray for you with all of my heart 🙏🏻❤️

Soc1 · Oct 5, 2018

This isnt love, if its a test there are no answers forthcoming. Like I asked "why am I getting the millstone around my neck, ? I wasnt the bad .guy.

All you know is what you were taught and read in the bible and what you choose to believe. Assuming you had a normal childgood, Did you jave Santa? the Easter Bunny? the toothfairy? If you did, remember the joy and magic they brought into your life, if not I feel sorry for you. Remember your disappointment when you found out they werent real. Im holding on to a maybe.

justpassinthrough · Oct 6, 2018

Soc1 said:

Yes you are to forgive, or you yourself won’t be forgiven.

The vengeance of those who cause little ones to stumble is up to the Lord, not us.

Do you have evidence of anyone hurting your child?

If so then report it to the police.

It seems you haven’t seen or had contact with your child so how do you know she is being hurt?

Remember We must not allow our anger to turn to hatred and bitterness.

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny. Matthew 5:21-26

Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. 1 John 3:15

Please, I have been in your shoes and the Lord turned it around and I got custody of my three children.

We must do things His way.

God bless you and keep you.

JPT

AlisaS · Oct 6, 2018

Soc1 said:

I would like to share this with you ❤️

As a young child, I grew up with problems at home. My mother was emotionally abusive and my father did nothing about it. I was shy, but it was also at this young age that I remember having my first feelings of lonliness and alienation - a sort of separateness or disconnect - from others. As I grew, I had trouble making friends. I didn’t really try and got more and more quiet.

Going up into my early teens, as my mother’s mental health problems and emotional abusiveness worsened, I became increasingly antisocial and had regular bouts of depression and terrible lonliness. My trust being constantly betrayed at home, I trusted no one, and so I told no one about my problems. It all stayed inside. I remember going to church for a few years, but if a child has parents who say they believe in God, but act in a way that’s completely hypocritical, it can completely distort the child’s view of God. They either believe God exists, but that he hates them, or they just don’t believe in him at all. I retained nothing of what was taught in church because, since I was intensly lonely and constantly afraid of my mom, I lived in my mind and never paid attention to anything else.
It was also at this age that I started getting involved sexually with girls. By my mid-teens, I was frequently depressed and cried regularly. I was resentful and angry all the time. I also developed a compulsive stealing addiction. I stole alot regularly from department stores, from my jobs - even from my own family.

By my late teens, the depression was absolutely crippling. I was depressed more often than I wasn’t, I cried alot. The slightest wrong look from someone or something said to me in the wrong tone of voice would send me spiriling down into an episode of depression that could last for days, or weeks. Sometimes it was so bad, I couldn’t even pick myself up off the floor - i mean, the actual floor. I was angry all the time and hated everyone. I never had any friends, and never told one person about my problems. I felt like an alien in a world full of normal people. This was also the age where I actively decided that I didn’t believe in God. But I never really believed anyway, and never even thought about it, so it was easy for me.

In my early twenties, I developed a pornography addiction. It was also at this time that I had my first thoughts of suicide.
The rest of my twenties is lost in a haze of alcoholism. I have virtually no memories for almost that whole decade of my life.

When I was 28 years old, I very nearly killed myself. I had it all planned out, with notes written to my parents and everything. I knew it’s what I wanted to do. I couldn’t handle anything anymore. That day I was just waiting for a car I was going to borrow to come back to where I was. While I was waiting, someone I absolutely hated came up to me, touched me and bowed her head to pray. In that moment, I was shocked to feel every last bit of desire to kill myself leave my body. The transformation was *so rapid and so complete,* that I actually had the thought “Did God do that to me??” But, me being an adament atheist who made fun of those kinds of beliefs, I brushed it off and moved on. I also need to mention that not even two minutes after she said that prayer and the desire to die left me, the car I was waiting for returned.

In my early thirties, I became a darker and darker person (inside and out). I started wearing black everything all the time. My depression was constant and crippling, I suffered from *so much* intense lonliness, anger, hatred, fear, panic, alienation. My stealing addiction was out of control. My pornography addiction was *way* out of control - and I mean like, multiple times a day, every day, at home, at work, whereever.

Before I talk about November of 2014, I need to briefly backtrack. Since I was very young, I had experiences at night that I used to refer to as “nightmares.” These got worse the older I got. They were so horrifying and I could never ever wake myself up from them. I only remember choking and not breathing when they would happen.

In 2014, these “nightmares” were at their worst. They were happening regularly, and were far more acute. I realized that I was not actually asleep, but awake during them - and not able to move or break myself free of them. During these experiences, I would feel a sickeningly horrifying evil presence approaching me, threatening me. The terror I felt was beyond anything I had ever felt in this world. When they were near me, I had an unexplainable ‘knowing’ that this was the source that makes people do all the horrible things we do to each other. All the sick ways that people torture other people, all the worst things that we’ve heard about in the news that we can’t fathom.
In the few weeks before November 2014, these experiences I was having were so bad that I began seeing these ’things’ while it was happening. They were very tall - like 7 or 8 feet, very black, and I knew through and through that they were *real, and evil.* Except, I was an atheist, and didn’t believe in God or in evil.

During the last week of November 2014, these ‘attacks’ got so frequent and increased in severity that I could no longer function, and I started forcing myself to stay awake. I was awake for 2 days and almost 3 complete nights without sleeping at all, the fear was so acute. During this time, it was brought to my attention to call on the name of Jesus during one of these attacks. Of course, when I heard this, I immediately got very angry and starting cursing alot. But, I was so desperate. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t think straight or do anything normally! I was in my rational right mind, but yet I knew what was happening to me was real. The third night, I couldn’t stay awake anymore. It was the middle of the night and I fell asleep. I had another attack, only this time I actually DID call out, in my mind, “Jesus save me.” All it took was saying it a couple times, and immediately - I WOKE UP. After *countless* times over *decades* of me choking and not breathing not being able to wake myself up.
After I woke up, I was terrified because it happened, but in absolute *shock* that I woke up!! I stayed awake for as long as I could, but this time I could *feel* that evil ‘thing’ in the room, and I knew it was waiting. I just knew it. The last time I remember looking at the clock, it was 5:00 am. I fell asleep, and had another attack. This one was vastly different than every other attack I had had before. This time, I was completely aware of my surroundings - awake, but unable to move, and because of what was starting to happen to me during the attack, I KNEW in my bones that these “things” were trying to keep me down and put me in my place. Immediately, I said “Jesus save me” - and I woke up. And it was 5:20 am. And that was the last time.

I knew then that Jesus and God were real, without a doubt. I cried profusely, confessed all the sins I could think of and asked Jesus to help me! In the following few days, I experienced extreme changes in me that are difficult to articulate.
First, I felt ‘darkness’ draining out of me. I felt changes in my heart that I didn’t understand.
*My depression stopped.* I don’t mean slowly decreased, i mean STOPPED.
*My desire to steal STOPPED.*
*My desire for pornography STOPPED.*
This was in the first few days after I started believing in Jesus, confessed my sins, and asked Him to help me.
In the following few weeks, I experienced a complete draining of the darkness I had in me for all those years.
I stopped feeling angry, I didn’t hate anyone anymore. I felt a baffling peace in me that I had never once felt in my whole miserable life! I felt as if a massive heaviness was lifted from my heart. *I FELT FREE.*
*I started loving people!* AND, I started loving people that I once *hated!!*
All these changes were so fast and overwhelming, that I didn’t know myself anymore! It was unsettling because it was so new, but I knew it wasn’t a bad thing, so I just went with it. In the midst of all of this change, it took me 3 months to realize that I wasn’t even attracted to women anymore - and they had made up the majority of my porn addiction for 15 years! I now saw women normally, and felt as if I had never even had the attraction in the first place (the same goes for the depression, stealing and pornography!).

*Please please* think about this for a minute.
*Decades* of depression gone within days. *20 years* of compulsive stealing gone within days.
*15 years* of heavy pornography addiction gone within days.
Do you have any idea how many years of therapy it would take to ‘cure’ even *one* of those problems??? And with NO relapses?!
I took NO medications, I had NO therapy, and I’ve had NO relapses whatsoever in any of those areas since November of 2014. Just Jesus and His healing love an mercy. All of that is *impossible* if it’s not God!! That God would stretch out his hand to this sinner - MORE than once - *even after I turned my back on him when he saved me from killing myself* - that is the reality and depth of his love and mercy! I would not be here today, period, if he hadn’t done what he did to me. Jesus wasn’t kidding when He said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:31-32)

He is so real, and He loves you! You not believing that won’t change that reality!
❤️🙏🏻

Soc1 · Oct 6, 2018

justpassinthrough said:

Yes you are to forgive, or you yourself won’t be forgiven.

The vengeance of those who cause little ones to stumble is up to the Lord, not us.

Do you have evidence of anyone hurting your child?

If so then report it to the police.

It seems you haven’t seen or had contact with your child so how do you know she is being hurt?

Remember We must not allow our anger to turn to hatred and bitterness.

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison. Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny. Matthew 5:21-26

Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. 1 John 3:15

Please, I have been in your shoes and the Lord turned it around and I got custody of my three children.

We must do things His way.

God bless you and keep you.

JPT

I have proof yes, CPS and the police are useless in this matter. I know what to do, please dont advise me with common sense.Matter of fact dont advise me or preach to me. The sad part of it is we dont know what God's way is.

Soc1 · Oct 6, 2018

AlisaS said:

I would like to share this with you ❤️

As a young child, I grew up with problems at home. My mother was emotionally abusive and my father did nothing about it. I was shy, but it was also at this young age that I remember having my first feelings of lonliness and alienation - a sort of separateness or disconnect - from others. As I grew, I had trouble making friends. I didn’t really try and got more and more quiet.

Going up into my early teens, as my mother’s mental health problems and emotional abusiveness worsened, I became increasingly antisocial and had regular bouts of depression and terrible lonliness. My trust being constantly betrayed at home, I trusted no one, and so I told no one about my problems. It all stayed inside. I remember going to church for a few years, but if a child has parents who say they believe in God, but act in a way that’s completely hypocritical, it can completely distort the child’s view of God. They either believe God exists, but that he hates them, or they just don’t believe in him at all. I retained nothing of what was taught in church because, since I was intensly lonely and constantly afraid of my mom, I lived in my mind and never paid attention to anything else.
It was also at this age that I started getting involved sexually with girls. By my mid-teens, I was frequently depressed and cried regularly. I was resentful and angry all the time. I also developed a compulsive stealing addiction. I stole alot regularly from department stores, from my jobs - even from my own family.

By my late teens, the depression was absolutely crippling. I was depressed more often than I wasn’t, I cried alot. The slightest wrong look from someone or something said to me in the wrong tone of voice would send me spiriling down into an episode of depression that could last for days, or weeks. Sometimes it was so bad, I couldn’t even pick myself up off the floor - i mean, the actual floor. I was angry all the time and hated everyone. I never had any friends, and never told one person about my problems. I felt like an alien in a world full of normal people. This was also the age where I actively decided that I didn’t believe in God. But I never really believed anyway, and never even thought about it, so it was easy for me.

In my early twenties, I developed a pornography addiction. It was also at this time that I had my first thoughts of suicide.
The rest of my twenties is lost in a haze of alcoholism. I have virtually no memories for almost that whole decade of my life.

When I was 28 years old, I very nearly killed myself. I had it all planned out, with notes written to my parents and everything. I knew it’s what I wanted to do. I couldn’t handle anything anymore. That day I was just waiting for a car I was going to borrow to come back to where I was. While I was waiting, someone I absolutely hated came up to me, touched me and bowed her head to pray. In that moment, I was shocked to feel every last bit of desire to kill myself leave my body. The transformation was *so rapid and so complete,* that I actually had the thought “Did God do that to me??” But, me being an adament atheist who made fun of those kinds of beliefs, I brushed it off and moved on. I also need to mention that not even two minutes after she said that prayer and the desire to die left me, the car I was waiting for returned.

In my early thirties, I became a darker and darker person (inside and out). I started wearing black everything all the time. My depression was constant and crippling, I suffered from *so much* intense lonliness, anger, hatred, fear, panic, alienation. My stealing addiction was out of control. My pornography addiction was *way* out of control - and I mean like, multiple times a day, every day, at home, at work, whereever.

Before I talk about November of 2014, I need to briefly backtrack. Since I was very young, I had experiences at night that I used to refer to as “nightmares.” These got worse the older I got. They were so horrifying and I could never ever wake myself up from them. I only remember choking and not breathing when they would happen.

In 2014, these “nightmares” were at their worst. They were happening regularly, and were far more acute. I realized that I was not actually asleep, but awake during them - and not able to move or break myself free of them. During these experiences, I would feel a sickeningly horrifying evil presence approaching me, threatening me. The terror I felt was beyond anything I had ever felt in this world. When they were near me, I had an unexplainable ‘knowing’ that this was the source that makes people do all the horrible things we do to each other. All the sick ways that people torture other people, all the worst things that we’ve heard about in the news that we can’t fathom.
In the few weeks before November 2014, these experiences I was having were so bad that I began seeing these ’things’ while it was happening. They were very tall - like 7 or 8 feet, very black, and I knew through and through that they were *real, and evil.* Except, I was an atheist, and didn’t believe in God or in evil.

During the last week of November 2014, these ‘attacks’ got so frequent and increased in severity that I could no longer function, and I started forcing myself to stay awake. I was awake for 2 days and almost 3 complete nights without sleeping at all, the fear was so acute. During this time, it was brought to my attention to call on the name of Jesus during one of these attacks. Of course, when I heard this, I immediately got very angry and starting cursing alot. But, I was so desperate. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t think straight or do anything normally! I was in my rational right mind, but yet I knew what was happening to me was real. The third night, I couldn’t stay awake anymore. It was the middle of the night and I fell asleep. I had another attack, only this time I actually DID call out, in my mind, “Jesus save me.” All it took was saying it a couple times, and immediately - I WOKE UP. After *countless* times over *decades* of me choking and not breathing not being able to wake myself up.
After I woke up, I was terrified because it happened, but in absolute *shock* that I woke up!! I stayed awake for as long as I could, but this time I could *feel* that evil ‘thing’ in the room, and I knew it was waiting. I just knew it. The last time I remember looking at the clock, it was 5:00 am. I fell asleep, and had another attack. This one was vastly different than every other attack I had had before. This time, I was completely aware of my surroundings - awake, but unable to move, and because of what was starting to happen to me during the attack, I KNEW in my bones that these “things” were trying to keep me down and put me in my place. Immediately, I said “Jesus save me” - and I woke up. And it was 5:20 am. And that was the last time.

I knew then that Jesus and God were real, without a doubt. I cried profusely, confessed all the sins I could think of and asked Jesus to help me! In the following few days, I experienced extreme changes in me that are difficult to articulate.
First, I felt ‘darkness’ draining out of me. I felt changes in my heart that I didn’t understand.
*My depression stopped.* I don’t mean slowly decreased, i mean STOPPED.
*My desire to steal STOPPED.*
*My desire for pornography STOPPED.*
This was in the first few days after I started believing in Jesus, confessed my sins, and asked Him to help me.
In the following few weeks, I experienced a complete draining of the darkness I had in me for all those years.
I stopped feeling angry, I didn’t hate anyone anymore. I felt a baffling peace in me that I had never once felt in my whole miserable life! I felt as if a massive heaviness was lifted from my heart. *I FELT FREE.*
*I started loving people!* AND, I started loving people that I once *hated!!*
All these changes were so fast and overwhelming, that I didn’t know myself anymore! It was unsettling because it was so new, but I knew it wasn’t a bad thing, so I just went with it. In the midst of all of this change, it took me 3 months to realize that I wasn’t even attracted to women anymore - and they had made up the majority of my porn addiction for 15 years! I now saw women normally, and felt as if I had never even had the attraction in the first place (the same goes for the depression, stealing and pornography!).

*Please please* think about this for a minute.
*Decades* of depression gone within days. *20 years* of compulsive stealing gone within days.
*15 years* of heavy pornography addiction gone within days.
Do you have any idea how many years of therapy it would take to ‘cure’ even *one* of those problems??? And with NO relapses?!
I took NO medications, I had NO therapy, and I’ve had NO relapses whatsoever in any of those areas since November of 2014. Just Jesus and His healing love an mercy. All of that is *impossible* if it’s not God!! That God would stretch out his hand to this sinner - MORE than once - *even after I turned my back on him when he saved me from killing myself* - that is the reality and depth of his love and mercy! I would not be here today, period, if he hadn’t done what he did to me. Jesus wasn’t kidding when He said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:31-32)

He is so real, and He loves you! You not believing that won’t change that reality!
❤️🙏🏻

Im sorry to hear of your problems,but they are pale compared to my daughter's. Hard to believe that someone loves me when it isnt shown. Im broken hearted yes, but Im old and my time is short. I pray for her future and fo her to be helped. That isnt much to ask at all is it?

Im losing my mind. Ive been losing faith and hope, things keep getting worse. Please dont bash me and please dont send me quotes.

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