Do I just have bad luck w/ guys?

[ManiaStar]

I don't know if it's bad luck or just my worrying/over thinking mind because of things that have happened w/ my ex. Trying to learn how to trust again, be open, be patient w/ other guys, is difficult.

I had started talking to a guy back in July. We talked all the time until a few weeks after we initially met, and then the talking everyday ceased to only be maybe once a night or something. Still friends w/ him but it's not the same. But, he's struggling too w/ things from his ex and it's carrying over too for him as well. So, maybe that's why he isn't always himself.

About a month and a half ago, I became friends w/ this other guy --- well, we started talking and i haven't met him yet but, he and i started talking more about 2 1/2 weeks ago where we talked a LOT, everyday and we often had very long conversations about different things. We just clicked. Even on Wed, we had a very long/fun conversation and everything was going just fine. Yesterday we wished each other a happy thanksgiving and today, i sent him a text this afternoon and his responses were very short/abrupt and after texting him 1 other thing, he just never responded.. I don't get it. It's in those instances that I don't know what to do. I start to worry about what did I do. 2 weeks ago, this guy mentioned to me that i'm only looking for friends and he seemed ok w/ it but i wasn't 100% sure right away til the following day when he started to talk to me even more so... am i just overthinking? Maybe he was just busy or having a bad day today?

I guess w/ what is happening w/ all these guys, i just feel unwanted and like these guys sense something about me and after a period of time, they just back off. Am I giving off bad signals? I have told them about my ex and they've told me about their ex but, we've kept that at a minimum.

I've also been talking to 2 other guys --- 1 from work --- and another guy from a dating app -- the guy from work is just that, mainly talking about work but, we do talk about other things too.

I'm wondering if God just doesn't want me to date anyone though, i feel i'm not ready since i'm still hanging onto my ex -- the memories, the feelings, the pain, the anger.

 

[cinder]

You post is a little convoluted so I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but it sounds like there are at least 4 guys recently that you've gotten into a pattern of talking / texting almost constantly for a few weeks and then they just aren't interested in that same level of constant communication. My best advice is something I picked up from an article someone else posted here in the forums a while back. Here's the excerpt:

In her book Relationships, former college professor Dr. Pamela Reeve discusses three levels of friendships: acquaintances, companions and intimate friends. Dr. Reeve observes that men and women cannot sustain an intimate friendship without one or the other harboring romantic expectations. She recommends that men and women avoid being intimate friends outside of courtship and marriage.

Companions, she says, generally spend less than two hours together a week. When a man indicates he would like to see the woman more than that, but claims they are “just friends,” he sends a mixed message.

So that led me to think up what I call the two hour rule, basically you shouldn't be spending more than two hours a week involved in [personal] 1 on 1 interactions with a guy you aren't dating. Call it a practical quantification of the whole guard your heart principle. We won't say I've always followed this rule, but I've come to see the wisdom of it. And so that is the best advice I have for you now, don't spend tons of time talking and investing in conversation with guys you've just met, that level of conversation can't be sustained for long especially with multiple people and it gives a false sense of permanence to the connection ( and leaves bigger holes if you're filling up all your free time with this one thing, then you lose the one thing).

 

[Obsidian]

Sounds like your getting to wrapped up. Many guys now especially those of younger age constantly need those short "hits" of affection ... Saying your talking to a few guys at one time could mean the person on the other end is also talking to a few females and may have done something to grab their attention.

With that being said, try not to force anything. I'm unaware of how "serious" you are or, how many "please text me back" text you send etc... Chin up kiddo. Someone special will come along.

 

[1christian1]

I don't know if it's bad luck or just my worrying/over thinking mind because of things that have happened w/ my ex. Trying to learn how to trust again, be open, be patient w/ other guys, is difficult.

I had started talking to a guy back in July. We talked all the time until a few weeks after we initially met, and then the talking everyday ceased to only be maybe once a night or something. Still friends w/ him but it's not the same. But, he's struggling too w/ things from his ex and it's carrying over too for him as well. So, maybe that's why he isn't always himself.

About a month and a half ago, I became friends w/ this other guy --- well, we started talking and i haven't met him yet but, he and i started talking more about 2 1/2 weeks ago where we talked a LOT, everyday and we often had very long conversations about different things. We just clicked. Even on Wed, we had a very long/fun conversation and everything was going just fine. Yesterday we wished each other a happy thanksgiving and today, i sent him a text this afternoon and his responses were very short/abrupt and after texting him 1 other thing, he just never responded.. I don't get it. It's in those instances that I don't know what to do. I start to worry about what did I do. 2 weeks ago, this guy mentioned to me that i'm only looking for friends and he seemed ok w/ it but i wasn't 100% sure right away til the following day when he started to talk to me even more so... am i just overthinking? Maybe he was just busy or having a bad day today?

I guess w/ what is happening w/ all these guys, i just feel unwanted and like these guys sense something about me and after a period of time, they just back off. Am I giving off bad signals? I have told them about my ex and they've told me about their ex but, we've kept that at a minimum.

I've also been talking to 2 other guys --- 1 from work --- and another guy from a dating app -- the guy from work is just that, mainly talking about work but, we do talk about other things too.

I'm wondering if God just doesn't want me to date anyone though, i feel i'm not ready since i'm still hanging onto my ex -- the memories, the feelings, the pain, the anger.

Yeah, You are not even close to stable enough for a relationship. You need to work on yourself. And I'm pretty positive that these guys definitely see this... Way too much for a guy to handle. They are meeting you for the first time...

 

[ManiaStar]

Sounds like your getting to wrapped up. Many guys now especially those of younger age constantly need those short "hits" of affection ... Saying your talking to a few guys at one time could mean the person on the other end is also talking to a few females and may have done something to grab their attention.

With that being said, try not to force anything. I'm unaware of how "serious" you are or, how many "please text me back" text you send etc... Chin up kiddo. Someone special will come along.

Yes, you’re right. I didn’t think that this 1 guy would be talking to other women but yes, he could be. I guess I just thought we hit it off really well bc of the constant texting and everything was going fine up til today. The other night I told him I was holding my dog and he said what you really need is to hold onto someone and let them hold onto you. I said to him, yes, you’re right. That is really nice and I miss that. Stating it’s just been my dog and I the last 10 months.

I honestly haven’t sent any texts that have said please text me back. I’m not crazy like that lol. I just had noticed today with this 1 guy how the texts went nowhere but for the last 3 weeks, we had awesome conversations til today. And Idk what happened so it’s concerning to me.

I am struggling with past hurts from my ex. I’m trying but I figure before jumping into dating, you start as friends. So, why not be friends first with this guy, see where it leads, then go for it. This guy is a Christian too.

The other guy I met in July.. well, he’s someone I trust and can lean into. But at the same time, it’s just strange

 

[ManiaStar]

Yeah, You are not even close to stable enough for a relationship. You need to work on yourself. And I'm pretty positive that these guys definitely see this... Way too much for a guy to handle. They are meeting you for the first time...

How can they see that? When talking to this 1 guy in particular, the 1 I’m concerned about not getting a conversation going with him today, we both mentioned our ex’s maybe a month or so ago. He told me about his. I told him about mine. We both bring our ex’s up once in awhile but it’s minimal. I haven’t met him in person yet. We’ve been texting. But our conversations have been very good I think. And he’s told me more then once that he’d love to meet me. Just on Wed evening when I sent him a picture of myself he said I look very cute to which I thanked him.

What does that sound like to you honestly?

 

[ManiaStar]

Yeah, You are not even close to stable enough for a relationship. You need to work on yourself. And I'm pretty positive that these guys definitely see this... Way too much for a guy to handle. They are meeting you for the first time...

Oh and yes, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship again either. It’s just part of me feels like if I get into a relationship with someone, maybe it would be easier for me to deal with all the emotions I’m struggling with day to day. Maybe being with someone, having the closeness and affection, will bring things around in a positive way for me instead of negative. That’s what I’ve been thinking

 

[1christian1]

How can they see that? When talking to this 1 guy in particular, the 1 I’m concerned about not getting a conversation going with him today, we both mentioned our ex’s maybe a month or so ago. He told me about his. I told him about mine. We both bring our ex’s up once in awhile but it’s minimal. I haven’t met him in person yet. We’ve been texting. But our conversations have been very good I think. And he’s told me more then once that he’d love to meet me. Just on Wed evening when I sent him a picture of myself he said I look very cute to which I thanked him.

What does that sound like to you honestly?

That maybe he wants to meet you and not just text? ..lol..

 

[1christian1]

Oh and yes, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship again either. It’s just part of me feels like if I get into a relationship with someone, maybe it would be easier for me to deal with all the emotions I’m struggling with day to day. Maybe being with someone, having the closeness and affection, will bring things around in a positive way for me instead of negative. That’s what I’ve been thinking

Well, no. Even if you were able to receive that affection from another, you would'nt be able to return it feeling the way you do about your ex... Don't you think that would be a little "one sided"?... And how would that work...

 

[Miri]

I don't know if it's bad luck or just my worrying/over thinking mind because of things that have happened w/ my ex. Trying to learn how to trust again, be open, be patient w/ other guys, is difficult.

I had started talking to a guy back in July. We talked all the time until a few weeks after we initially met, and then the talking everyday ceased to only be maybe once a night or something. Still friends w/ him but it's not the same. But, he's struggling too w/ things from his ex and it's carrying over too for him as well. So, maybe that's why he isn't always himself.

About a month and a half ago, I became friends w/ this other guy --- well, we started talking and i haven't met him yet but, he and i started talking more about 2 1/2 weeks ago where we talked a LOT, everyday and we often had very long conversations about different things. We just clicked. Even on Wed, we had a very long/fun conversation and everything was going just fine. Yesterday we wished each other a happy thanksgiving and today, i sent him a text this afternoon and his responses were very short/abrupt and after texting him 1 other thing, he just never responded.. I don't get it. It's in those instances that I don't know what to do. I start to worry about what did I do. 2 weeks ago, this guy mentioned to me that i'm only looking for friends and he seemed ok w/ it but i wasn't 100% sure right away til the following day when he started to talk to me even more so... am i just overthinking? Maybe he was just busy or having a bad day today?

I guess w/ what is happening w/ all these guys, i just feel unwanted and like these guys sense something about me and after a period of time, they just back off. Am I giving off bad signals? I have told them about my ex and they've told me about their ex but, we've kept that at a minimum.

I've also been talking to 2 other guys --- 1 from work --- and another guy from a dating app -- the guy from work is just that, mainly talking about work but, we do talk about other things too.

I'm wondering if God just doesn't want me to date anyone though, i feel i'm not ready since i'm still hanging onto my ex -- the memories, the feelings, the pain, the anger.

First and foremost are you a born again Christian?
Were any of these men born again Christians?
Have you been praying and asking for a Godly man, the right person to come
into your life?
Do you go to church regularly? (Best place for meeting such a person).

I’m just asking because if the answer to all of these is no. Then you might
want to rethink how you are going about this.

Oh and it’s better to trust in God than believe in luck.

 

[Kaps89]

I don't know if it's bad luck or just my worrying/over thinking mind because of things that have happened w/ my ex. Trying to learn how to trust again, be open, be patient w/ other guys, is difficult.

I had started talking to a guy back in July. We talked all the time until a few weeks after we initially met, and then the talking everyday ceased to only be maybe once a night or something. Still friends w/ him but it's not the same. But, he's struggling too w/ things from his ex and it's carrying over too for him as well. So, maybe that's why he isn't always himself.

About a month and a half ago, I became friends w/ this other guy --- well, we started talking and i haven't met him yet but, he and i started talking more about 2 1/2 weeks ago where we talked a LOT, everyday and we often had very long conversations about different things. We just clicked. Even on Wed, we had a very long/fun conversation and everything was going just fine. Yesterday we wished each other a happy thanksgiving and today, i sent him a text this afternoon and his responses were very short/abrupt and after texting him 1 other thing, he just never responded.. I don't get it. It's in those instances that I don't know what to do. I start to worry about what did I do. 2 weeks ago, this guy mentioned to me that i'm only looking for friends and he seemed ok w/ it but i wasn't 100% sure right away til the following day when he started to talk to me even more so... am i just overthinking? Maybe he was just busy or having a bad day today?

I guess w/ what is happening w/ all these guys, i just feel unwanted and like these guys sense something about me and after a period of time, they just back off. Am I giving off bad signals? I have told them about my ex and they've told me about their ex but, we've kept that at a minimum.

I've also been talking to 2 other guys --- 1 from work --- and another guy from a dating app -- the guy from work is just that, mainly talking about work but, we do talk about other things too.

I'm wondering if God just doesn't want me to date anyone though, i feel i'm not ready since i'm still hanging onto my ex -- the memories, the feelings, the pain, the anger.

Hello Maniastar,

It sounds like there's a couple of guys floating about but you haven't particularly clicked with them. I think the problem with text messaging, private messages and emails is that you don't get to hear a person's voice or observe their body language which are two things you subconsciously or consciously observe when talking to someone in person.

I've had some similar situations where I've been told several girls liked me and I've started messaging them only for the conversation to fizzle out. Now when you run out of things to say in a text message the messages just stop but in real life during a conversation you pick up on those cues and try to keep the conversation going.

Now if you hang on to the pain and anger you aren't gonna get anywhere. If you still feel raw (I don't know when your last relationship was) then maybe you have to ask yourself whether you're ready to date or not. I had a long term relationship breakdown in a pretty spectacular fashion and it took me a while before I felt comfortable to talk to women again. I also found myself in a similar situation to you.

Ask God what his will for your dating life is. My suggestion would be that you think about whether you're ready to jump into a relationship or if this is a sign that you're not quite ready just yet.

Either way I hope everything goes ok for you.

T

 

[Beatrice1234]

Sometimes guys just run out of things to say. They simple like that lol. Stop expecting him to text all day

 

[Sweetmorningdew78]

I don't know if it's bad luck or just my worrying/over thinking mind because of things that have happened w/ my ex. Trying to learn how to trust again, be open, be patient w/ other guys, is difficult.

I had started talking to a guy back in July. We talked all the time until a few weeks after we initially met, and then the talking everyday ceased to only be maybe once a night or something. Still friends w/ him but it's not the same. But, he's struggling too w/ things from his ex and it's carrying over too for him as well. So, maybe that's why he isn't always himself.

About a month and a half ago, I became friends w/ this other guy --- well, we started talking and i haven't met him yet but, he and i started talking more about 2 1/2 weeks ago where we talked a LOT, everyday and we often had very long conversations about different things. We just clicked. Even on Wed, we had a very long/fun conversation and everything was going just fine. Yesterday we wished each other a happy thanksgiving and today, i sent him a text this afternoon and his responses were very short/abrupt and after texting him 1 other thing, he just never responded.. I don't get it. It's in those instances that I don't know what to do. I start to worry about what did I do. 2 weeks ago, this guy mentioned to me that i'm only looking for friends and he seemed ok w/ it but i wasn't 100% sure right away til the following day when he started to talk to me even more so... am i just overthinking? Maybe he was just busy or having a bad day today?

I guess w/ what is happening w/ all these guys, i just feel unwanted and like these guys sense something about me and after a period of time, they just back off. Am I giving off bad signals? I have told them about my ex and they've told me about their ex but, we've kept that at a minimum.

I've also been talking to 2 other guys --- 1 from work --- and another guy from a dating app -- the guy from work is just that, mainly talking about work but, we do talk about other things too.

I'm wondering if God just doesn't want me to date anyone though, i feel i'm not ready since i'm still hanging onto my ex -- the memories, the feelings, the pain, the anger.

There is no such thing as bad luck or good luck...it just didn't work out...God brings People into our lives to teach us something to teach us some valuable lessons God wants us to learn.... some of them are not meant to stay... some stay for a while... some come so fast and leave so fast... some come so late but not meant to leave and some come so fast and stays forever with you The one that stays He stays because he meant to stay in your life he is the right person for you the person that fits for you...the reason why it didn't work out with your ex and with anyone else. Yeah, one day that person will come and you will going to know it 😊 so don't beat yourself up because they grow distant... they just don't meant to stay...


Give yourself a time...there is a time for everything a time to heal a time to celebrate embrace every season of your life 😊 whatever season it is God is in control 😊

GOD bless you ManiaStar ❤

 

[Adstar]

i feel i'm not ready since i'm still hanging onto my ex -- the memories, the feelings, the pain, the anger.

This sounds like the most telling line of your post...

It is best to be fully done with the past before moving on to the future.. Having one foot in each will only bring confusion and suffering.. Guys can detect that.. And woman can too..

 

[ManiaStar]

You post is a little convoluted so I'm not sure exactly what's going on, but it sounds like there are at least 4 guys recently that you've gotten into a pattern of talking / texting almost constantly for a few weeks and then they just aren't interested in that same level of constant communication. My best advice is something I picked up from an article someone else posted here in the forums a while back. Here's the excerpt:

So that led me to think up what I call the two hour rule, basically you shouldn't be spending more than two hours a week involved in [personal] 1 on 1 interactions with a guy you aren't dating. Call it a practical quantification of the whole guard your heart principle. We won't say I've always followed this rule, but I've come to see the wisdom of it. And so that is the best advice I have for you now, don't spend tons of time talking and investing in conversation with guys you've just met, that level of conversation can't be sustained for long especially with multiple people and it gives a false sense of permanence to the connection ( and leaves bigger holes if you're filling up all your free time with this one thing, then you lose the one thing).

I see what you're saying and ok.. You know what makes this difficult for me.. Before i had gotten together with my ex, he was dating someone and he and i were just friends, but, he quickly became my best friend bc of our common interests. Within about a year, we were spending our days off together and i mean all day -- morning into the night but, nothing was ever sexual bc he had a gf and we kept it like that. I think I'm just soooo used to all that time spent w/ him that, now, any other guy that I begin talking to, in my mind, I feel like it needs to be the same w/ them as it was w/ my ex-bf and ex-best friend. I never would've thought of the 2 hour rule -- that seems soooo little to me. I had been best friends w/ my ex for 7 yrs and we had gotten together and dated the last year and a half before he cheated on me. I was spending up to 14+ hours a day w/ him and saw him all the time. I guess my expectations w/ these new guys is so high and I feel like something is wrong when they don't want to text/have long conversations anymore.

With my ex, besides seeing him just about everyday at one point, on the days i didn't see him, he would call me everyday when he was driving home from work and we often spoke on the phone for an hour, we texted everyday and saw each other very very often.
Those have been my expectations w/ these guys. I'm honestly NOT used to a text here and there. I feel like, well, esp w/ this new guy, that since he stopped texting me on a continuous basis that something is wrong and he lost interest. I guess it was similar to that guy I initially met in July --- but, w/ him... he is just a friend now and we hang out maybe once every couple of weeks and for me, that's odd -- but, honestly... maybe i am looking for something more because if i think about this other guy i've been friends w/ for 10 years now, I do not see or talk to him everyday. I haven't actually seen him in about 3 months now. Sometimes we go for 1-2 weeks w/o talking, yet, whomever does the messaging first after a couple of weeks, we both jump right back to it and we pick up where we left off. Maybe I'm ok w/ him having our communication the way it is because I never had any feelings for him and we were/are just friends. Just last night, I had a very nice/long conversation w/ him and our friendship isn't stirred just bc i haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks. Why would i think these other guys would be any different? I think I'm trying to replace my ex and in reality, I will never be able to replace him w/ any of these guys no matter how much I may try. Maybe I'm trying too hard w/ them. But, w/ this more recent guy... He Had been messaging me everyday and we often had Very Very long conversations that went into the night. To have it automatically drop off, is hard.

 

[Beatrice1234]

How does someone spend 14 hrs a day with another and still work that crazy. Do you even have a job lololol

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Oh and yes, I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship again either. It’s just part of me feels like if I get into a relationship with someone, maybe it would be easier for me to deal with all the emotions I’m struggling with day to day. Maybe being with someone, having the closeness and affection, will bring things around in a positive way for me instead of negative. That’s what I’ve been thinking

No, false thinking. You'll just drag your baggage into the next relationship, which could lend to it failing. Then you'll be hurt and have trouble trusting again. Then you'll date too soon again. Get hurt again. Endless cycle of self sabotage.

If you're not ready to date, which it sounds like you're not, and what.you say yourself, then what is the Real purpose of chasing after 4 guys?
I mean you said you're not ready.
Yet you think dating will cause you to be ready? Kind of like saying "I'm not ready to drive" then getting on the highway. It won't help you learn, it'll just put you and others in danger.

As long as you know you're not ready yet continue chasing guys all you're doing is trying to get your needs met without any concern for the people you'll be using to do so.

 

[ManiaStar]

Sounds like your getting to wrapped up. Many guys now especially those of younger age constantly need those short "hits" of affection ... Saying your talking to a few guys at one time could mean the person on the other end is also talking to a few females and may have done something to grab their attention.

With that being said, try not to force anything. I'm unaware of how "serious" you are or, how many "please text me back" text you send etc... Chin up kiddo. Someone special will come along.

it's difficult for me to be single. Before my ex, i never was with anyone and now, things just seem bleak. I mean, God has told me some things so I Should just relax and be patient in him as God has several times told me to be patient and wait. I'm just struggling w/ that.

 

[ManiaStar]

Well, no. Even if you were able to receive that affection from another, you would'nt be able to return it feeling the way you do about your ex... Don't you think that would be a little "one sided"?... And how would that work...

I can still give affection. The guy I made friends w/ back in July, whenever he hugs me, I hug him back. It feels good both ways to be hugged and to hug someone else.

 

[ManiaStar]

Hello Maniastar,

It sounds like there's a couple of guys floating about but you haven't particularly clicked with them. I think the problem with text messaging, private messages and emails is that you don't get to hear a person's voice or observe their body language which are two things you subconsciously or consciously observe when talking to someone in person.

I've had some similar situations where I've been told several girls liked me and I've started messaging them only for the conversation to fizzle out. Now when you run out of things to say in a text message the messages just stop but in real life during a conversation you pick up on those cues and try to keep the conversation going.

Now if you hang on to the pain and anger you aren't gonna get anywhere. If you still feel raw (I don't know when your last relationship was) then maybe you have to ask yourself whether you're ready to date or not. I had a long term relationship breakdown in a pretty spectacular fashion and it took me a while before I felt comfortable to talk to women again. I also found myself in a similar situation to you.

Ask God what his will for your dating life is. My suggestion would be that you think about whether you're ready to jump into a relationship or if this is a sign that you're not quite ready just yet.

Either way I hope everything goes ok for you.

T

I have to say I know you're right about that because, 1 friend I made, we don't talk much online or through text, but, in person, it's non stop talking.

I guess w/ this other guy, I was just expecting to have the continuous talking going on like it had been for the past 3 weeks --- i felt like what changed --- he seemed so eager to want to meet me saying it several times and then no texting really.

My last relationship ended 10 months ago when my bf cheated on me. So, it's a lot of pain from that and from me trying so hard to stay friends w/ him for 7 months and now just trying to let go of everything else.

As I stated, this 1 guy I know is only going to be a friend and that's ok w/ me. This other guy... well.. i don't know.. He's going to have to remain just a friend too i think. Not sure he'll be ok w/ that as much but, i don't know yet.

I'm mainly just looking for friends but, I know since I met most of these guys on a dating site, that's what these guys are looking for --- dating --- even though, several i have made friends w/, have told me they are ok w/ being just friends -- especially this 1 who is also not ready to date