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I come here mostly to vent. And this time is no exception. And I know I won't get much sleep tonight until I get this off my chest.
I can't explain the situation detail for detail. But I posted a couple months ago about a christian brother who I had a crush on, in the "christian club." I got over him, to a degree, when a few weeks ago, I ran into this other brother from the group, as I was walking out of the library of the college, on my way home.
It was him and a couple of others just talking. This brother had caught my attention earlier, because of his seriousness about the faith. There was a maturity about him that I admired. And here I was running into him. We discussed some random things and ended up on the subject of the H-ly Spirit. Then he dropped the bomb--almost out of nowhere, that he used to be a homosexual...
To make a long story short, we developed a report, and I have been visiting his church over the past couple of weeks. We have stayed up late nights on the phone. He was incredibly warm to me to begin with. I was surprised that he remembered my name after the first time meeting me--when it was in the midst of such a large group, and spoke to me as he was driving down the road, and I couldn't even remember his. He would always speak to me, and I could fel the love coming from him. We made such a wonderful connection that day though. He shared his testimony that night over the phone, and it's just about identical to mine. So, he was trying to be a witness to me that I can be "delivered" from homosexuality.
He would tell me he loved me often, which just felt amazing. It felt pure. But eventually, I began to develop feelings for him, and eventually, he stopped tellin me he loved me. I expressed to him how important it was to hear it coming from him and how much it meant to me. But the more I stressed it, the less he expressed it. He felt that our relationship was becoming impure. I would drop little hints here and there, and we almost started borderline flirting over the phone. And he started calling less and less. The other night, I dropped a bomb on him when I told him how attracted I was to him and how beautiful I thought he was. He responded harshly and told me that he wouldn't tolerate scuh convesation, and that we could no longer talk over the phone after dark. I told him that I didn't understand how he could be so uptight, but that he, out of all people, should understand me. He responded that he does understand, but that he is very serious about his salvation and sanctification.
That was the last time he texted me in about 2 or 3 days, while I have called his phone, and sent him several long messages pouring my heart out. And today, I apologized, repented, and explained to him how sorry I am and how much I appreciate his friendship. But I've gotten no response at all. It has gone from us texting and talking on the phone almost every hour on the hour, in the beginning, to us not talking at all.
I just think to myself that this is another perfectly good relationship that I have ruined! I feel that I am toxic. Every single relationship or friendship that I have, I make an art out of messing it up! I always come off as too desperate. But this was one relationship that I thought would last. I only prove to myself over and over again that I am horrible at relating to people. But this particular one has reinforced and magnified all of my feelings of isolation, betrayal, rejection, and abandonement. I feel that he has done all of it, because he knws how I feel about thee things. Out of all people, he was supposed to understand me. I am confused and at a loss for thoughts as to how he could turn such a cold shoulder toward me after everything we have shared in such a short amount of time. He has fed me and given me the shoes off of his feet. But now, I can't help but feel that he hates me.
I can't explain the situation detail for detail. But I posted a couple months ago about a christian brother who I had a crush on, in the "christian club." I got over him, to a degree, when a few weeks ago, I ran into this other brother from the group, as I was walking out of the library of the college, on my way home.
It was him and a couple of others just talking. This brother had caught my attention earlier, because of his seriousness about the faith. There was a maturity about him that I admired. And here I was running into him. We discussed some random things and ended up on the subject of the H-ly Spirit. Then he dropped the bomb--almost out of nowhere, that he used to be a homosexual...
To make a long story short, we developed a report, and I have been visiting his church over the past couple of weeks. We have stayed up late nights on the phone. He was incredibly warm to me to begin with. I was surprised that he remembered my name after the first time meeting me--when it was in the midst of such a large group, and spoke to me as he was driving down the road, and I couldn't even remember his. He would always speak to me, and I could fel the love coming from him. We made such a wonderful connection that day though. He shared his testimony that night over the phone, and it's just about identical to mine. So, he was trying to be a witness to me that I can be "delivered" from homosexuality.
He would tell me he loved me often, which just felt amazing. It felt pure. But eventually, I began to develop feelings for him, and eventually, he stopped tellin me he loved me. I expressed to him how important it was to hear it coming from him and how much it meant to me. But the more I stressed it, the less he expressed it. He felt that our relationship was becoming impure. I would drop little hints here and there, and we almost started borderline flirting over the phone. And he started calling less and less. The other night, I dropped a bomb on him when I told him how attracted I was to him and how beautiful I thought he was. He responded harshly and told me that he wouldn't tolerate scuh convesation, and that we could no longer talk over the phone after dark. I told him that I didn't understand how he could be so uptight, but that he, out of all people, should understand me. He responded that he does understand, but that he is very serious about his salvation and sanctification.
That was the last time he texted me in about 2 or 3 days, while I have called his phone, and sent him several long messages pouring my heart out. And today, I apologized, repented, and explained to him how sorry I am and how much I appreciate his friendship. But I've gotten no response at all. It has gone from us texting and talking on the phone almost every hour on the hour, in the beginning, to us not talking at all.
I just think to myself that this is another perfectly good relationship that I have ruined! I feel that I am toxic. Every single relationship or friendship that I have, I make an art out of messing it up! I always come off as too desperate. But this was one relationship that I thought would last. I only prove to myself over and over again that I am horrible at relating to people. But this particular one has reinforced and magnified all of my feelings of isolation, betrayal, rejection, and abandonement. I feel that he has done all of it, because he knws how I feel about thee things. Out of all people, he was supposed to understand me. I am confused and at a loss for thoughts as to how he could turn such a cold shoulder toward me after everything we have shared in such a short amount of time. He has fed me and given me the shoes off of his feet. But now, I can't help but feel that he hates me.
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