"Not Physically Attracted Enough" - Vs - "Friendship that Catches Fire"

[Lanolin]

mmm I think women get tired of men telling them how beautiful they are...especially when they want something not sure if you mean just their husbands

but the women who are married generally dont really need to be told. Unless they are fishing for compliments or want to make a good photo. Otherwise, its just boring really...you see them every day dont you if you married. Does someone actually need to be told how they look? People have mirrors...they can see for themselves

 

[Lanolin]

What we do appreciate is if someone tells us there is spinach stuck in our teeth

 

[Lanolin]

I thought about the concept of friendship catching fire

But cant say that really translates into anything remotely christian that Ive ever heard of

ok Moses saw God in a burning bush but thats cos God wanted his attention
Jesus talked about candles not hiding them under bushels but put them on a lampstand for everyone to see

fire though is more associated with hell and being out of control than say, a light that shines in the darkness
so?!

 

[Lanolin]

Is this why we have firefighters needing hoses and copious amounts of water....?

 

[BrotherMike]

The physical is so overrated and most people learn this when they get older. We all will get wrinkles and turn to dust eventually. My wife is not smoking hot physically and I'm fine with that. I married her because of her heart, personality, common interests, and love for Jesus. Her attractiveness grew more over time. She is my gift from God and love and appreciate her for how God made her.

 

[Lanolin]

sign of the times, (and aging population) there are now several beauty shops at the mall, (where I live) one of the newer ones is a cosmetic one where you can go have your face lasered and botoxed.

The technicians who work in that one wear scrubs. Its not cheap though plus they get you to go back every couple of weeks to have more.

 

[Lanolin]

A lot of people I know got false teeth in their 30s and 40s because it got too expensive looking after their real ones so they just got them all taken out.

However, manintaining false teeth seems like a job in itself as well.
In hollywood, child actors will get false teeth. Because their teeth tend to fall out and thats not cute for the cameras.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont think its good for coca cola ads to show people with rotten teeth, or you might see beer ads, where they show the bottle or cans of beer but they actually never show people drunk and dead on the road side as a consequence of drinking the stuff.

Has to be attractive ya know!

 

[JohnDB]

I remember a relationship I had when single.
We met online and were just friends.
We talked about a lot of stuff...from businesses and business models to scriptures....like I said...we were friends.

I went to her place when she needed help with some handyman stuff and she came to my place when she wanted some different scenery. (Stayed in spare bedroom)

No hanky panky whatsoever.

Then after almost a year of friendship I told her that since we were good friends we might could be more.

She took the offer seriously.
She wasn't playing and neither was I. It almost became a serious thing. I had met and knew her sons...they and I got along well.

But

It didn't work out.

It wasn't exactly on her radar screen or mine until someone suggested to me that it might be a good idea to try. And I realized I liked the idea. (So did she)
Hence why I mentioned the before statement.

Broke my heart when it was over. Important relationships always do.....but...now I have a wonderful wife and life. So that broken heart has long since been mended. Didn't even think about her till one of the replies on this thread. Funny how you forget things....

 

[Subhumanoidal]

If no physical attraction initially, then I'm not interested. There has to be Something I find attractive about them physically.

But I do find it weird seeing so many equate physical attraction to only commercially attractive "Barbie" types. Being attracted to someone doesn't mean they are automatically a model/movie star type. It just means you find them attractive from whatever personal standards you hold.
And often times it seems to be a message that says Not to ever date someone like that because they are bad, by default.

The reality is don't be an extremist. Don't be so shallow as to only like super attractive types. And don't be so self righteous as to avoid them. If you find someone attractive, get to know them and find out what kind of person they are for yourself and ignore the stereotyping.

 

[Lanolin]

its cos you treated her as a 'just friend' when you could have had a great friendship, everything you needed but it was ruined be wanting something else. People think relationships are MORE but actually, wouldnt you say they are rather LESS? Because they break and take.

Jesus GAVE his life, he laid down his life for his friends. What MORE could you possibly ask for?

 

[Lanolin]

I dont mean to change topics midstream but so many men have a strange idea of what friendship means with a woman

like how many men think 'friendzone' is something intolerable
and that 'just friends' is somehow less important than being married or engaged. Is it because you dont put a ring on a friend and dont pay to own them? You dont change your name to your friend?

Maybe all men really want in the end is to have MORE.....babies!

 

[Lanolin]

I have not thought about it but...it only occur to me just now, if Jesus was here on earth right now in the flesh, would I demand that he give me his children? hmmm

Be MORE than friends? honestly I have never thought of this idea!

 

[Catsandell]

"Not Physically Attracted Enough" - Vs - "Friendship that Catches Fire"

I recently started a relationship with a good christian woman who gave me her contact info. We've communicated via text and have gotten to know each other for a few months. We went out on two dates. (I know they we dates, cause I paid for them. )

I definitely like her as a person, and a friend, although we didn't have such a fun time that I'm inspired to hangout with her again. The physical attraction isn't there for me, so I decided I should stop asking her out... beyond friendly chats.

Although I didn't find her physically attractive upfront, I didn't want to jump to conclusions, and wanted to spend some time with her to see if that might change. I would assume people do that, especially women, because they get asked out. What's your experience? What's your advice?


What's your thoughts on "dating" people you're not physically attracted to?

1. It was suggested to me that I go out with, and get to know women, I'm not immediately physically attracted to because a physical attraction -- or some other kind of attraction -- might occur in the future. What's your thoughts on that? Has it ever happened to you?


I've heard a number of christian speakers talk about: "Love is when friendship catches fire!"

When I hear these messages, I roll my eyes. I'd like to go up front and ask them, "Is this YOUR personal experience? When you met your wife, did you first think she was ugly as sin, but then after you knew her for a while, then BAM you fell in love, and now you can't keep your hands off her?"

It's one thing to become particularly physically attracted someone after you've known them for a while... like if you're part of the same group or organization; it's another thing to date someone you definitely do not find physically attractive, and then that changes. I think former happens sometimes, but I doubt the latter does.

That is to say: I think there may be someone you didn't really "think about" as 'your type', or someone you didn't particularly find attractive at first, or someone who annoyed you, and then after you got to know them overtime you then "noticed" they WERE particularly attractive to you. That's more like going from "neutral", "absent minded", or annoyed to physically attracted... as opposed to 'definitely not physically attracted' to a "friendship catching on fire".

There's also the risk of leading someone on when it's 99% assured romantic love is not going to happen.

2. Different for Women?
Experientially, I've found the situation is generally different for women. My mother told me she went out with guys she didn't find physically attractive just go out and have some fun. When the guys asked her about it, she'd have to admit she was using them (though she didn't describe that way, she acknowledged it was wrong and cruel). Also, since men ask out women, a woman may not have given it (him) much thought and wants to be open-minded about it, or doesn't want to hurt the man's feelings, or she's just 'hedging her bets'... that is, she wants to keep some "second choices" and "better-than-nothing choices" in play while she's waiting to see if her Prince ever arrives. Additionally, before women were welcomed in the workplace, some women dated and married based mostly on the 'life the husband could provide her' rather than if she was physically attracted to him. I suppose if she loves and stays faithfully married to him, it's fine. Thoughts?

 

[Catsandell]

‘I am ashamed to say I almost stop dating my husband because he was not a handsome man. I only dated very handsome men. I even had people tell me, wow you can get someone better, shocking I know. Anyway, David sent me flowers regularly, was attentive to my needs over his, was always there for me and genuinely cared about my heart and my brain, and above all he made me laugh. I married him 24 years ago, and we travelled a rough road for a long time, but I never doubted he loved me every morning. He was my best friend and the light of my life. he died last year. I miss him every day, so yes I will take a man I am not so attracted to again. Our love grew and I think he was the most handsome man in the world. I adore him

 

[Gojira]

Heh... and then there's this:

When you go to war against your enemies and the Lord your God delivers them into your handsand you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her,you may take her as your wife. (Deut 21:10-11)

 

[Gojira]

‘I am ashamed to say I almost stop dating my husband because he was not a handsome man. I only dated very handsome men. I even had people tell me, wow you can get someone better, shocking I know. Anyway, David sent me flowers regularly, was attentive to my needs over his, was always there for me and genuinely cared about my heart and my brain, and above all he made me laugh. I married him 24 years ago, and we travelled a rough road for a long time, but I never doubted he loved me every morning. He was my best friend and the light of my life. he died last year. I miss him every day, so yes I will take a man I am not so attracted to again. Our love grew and I think he was the most handsome man in the world. I adore him

Wow... sorry... I know the feeling.

 

[TabinRivCA]

Thanks for the advice. I agree, two dates is probably enough to determine if there's something there to pursue a romantic relationship. And that was my question, and the advice I was asking for. I don't know how long that takes, I've never experienced it... but of course I welcome it with open arms.

Her and I are leaving things unsaid at this point. She's very sharp, so I thinks she thinks it's likely I don't want a romantic relationship, but she hasn't asked. I think we both appreciate being text friends.

If I keep texting, would you say it's her responsibility to ask if I want a romantic relationship? Or is it on me? I haven't made romantic suggestions or gestures to her in text or in person. That being the case, I figure she would ask if she wanted/needed to know. It's not a discussion I would hit someone with, as I don't think it's pleasant.

Sorry I didn't catch this earlier, a friend of mine passed on to glory. I would expect that romance just builds itself between two people, if it's there. It should be easy and natural not forced. If you do go out w/her again and it seems cool, try holding her hand. If she likes you at all she will gladly do it, if she's uncomfortable about it then red light I'd think.
Or just texting you could say something like 'I kinda like you what do you think about that?' But I'm a bit older than you so I hope my advise isn't too outdated, lol.

 

[Lanolin]

I'd hold someones hand to cross the road otherwise, its not always necessary...they dont have to be my friend or attractive, I'd just not want them to get run over and die.

 

[Gojira]

Men, generally, are more drawn to the outward. I don't know why, that's just the way we're wired. Of course that doesn't mean something extreme like, even if the lady in question is nastier than sin, we'd still want her because she's hot. I don't know any man, even unsaved, who'd want that. Obviously the heart matters, obviously her Christian commitment matters, common world views, etc. But, generally, men are more drawn to the external, at least initially.

Looks serves a purpose. If it didn't, then why would God have made it a thing? But, depending on the people, the chemistries, etc., it all varies and matters differently at different times to different people.

I think that if you're not attracted to them, move on. But then, one might ask, don't you think you may miss out on something great by not giving a person a chance? That same chance could be had by simply staying in touch with the man or woman in question. If an attraction's meant to develop, it will.

I want anyone I go out with to have certain physical traits, generally. But... there've been exceptions. In college, there was a woman who was the head of a Christian club (Seekers). She was not my type. However, I developed a deep crush on her after getting to know her over time. Perhaps it was her femininity, her niceness to me, I don't know. But, it was a bad one. (Until she (apparently) had an emotional breakdown of some kind and fell off the map. I never found out what happened to her.)