What is worse?

[JohnDB]

Offering your parents a place to live with you out of a sense of obligation...

Or your parents actually taking you up on the offer.

Reasons?

 

[notonmywatch]

Offering your parents a place to live with you out of a sense of obligation...

Or your parents actually taking you up on the offer.

Reasons?

That depends. Is the one offering married or single? If they're married, then the parents are probably going to bring some sort of strain upon the marriage by meddling. I think there's something to that whole "for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife" thing. If the one offering is single, then it might not be too much different than a child moving back in with their parents. It also depends upon the health of the parents or how much they'll need to be cared for.

Of course, we're also to honor our father and mother, and that is the first commandment with a promise attached to it. I'm not too fond of the word "worse" in your question. I think that things seem bad from our perspectives because of the sacrifices that we need to make, but, truth be told, we've been called to be the servants of all. I basically threw any concept of happiness out the window a long time ago. Now, I just try to focus upon whatever God asks me to do on any specific day. If it's what he wants, then it's best for us to serve him with as cheerful a heart as we can.

 

[maxwel]

1.) We should never make ANY CLAIM that we aren't prepared to back up with action.
a. This goes for ultimatums, threats, offers of help etc.
b. If you aren't willing to back up your words, you will always lose... somebody will call you out on your words.
c. Even children know this... and will "call out" a parent on idle threats... and next they will run over you.
d. If we are not willing to back up our words with action... then we should not speak the words.

2.) If we read the book of proverbs, we find that our own words, poorly planned words, cause a great many of our problems.

3.) In the OP's scenario... the parents did nothing wrong.
a. But rather, the person making empty gestures has violated biblical principles.
b. Anytime we ignore bible principles, we will surely end up just causing more problems... regardless of our intentions.


Take care everyone, and have a great week.
.

 

[notonmywatch]

1.) We should never make ANY CLAIM that we aren't prepared to back up with action.
a. This goes for ultimatums, threats, offers of help etc.
b. If you aren't willing to back up your words, you will always lose... somebody will call you out on your words.
c. Even children know this... and will "call out" a parent on idle threats... and next they will run over you.
d. If we are not willing to back up our words with action... then we should not speak the words.

2.) If we read the book of proverbs, we find that our own words, poorly planned words, cause a great many of our problems.

3.) In the OP's scenario... the parents did nothing wrong.
a. But rather, the person making empty gestures has violated biblical principles.
b. Anytime we ignore bible principles, we will surely end up just causing more problems... regardless of our intentions.


Take care everyone, and have a great week.
.

I like your glasses, or should I say glass?

Dad?

Is that you?

 

[JohnDB]

Well,
We, my wife and I are in process of buying a house....an old victorian with a tower and etc. Built in the 1890's. It needs some maintenance but it's a fairly good deal....I can fix it up and it will be worth a lot more than what we are paying for it.

Then out of the blue my wife's parents call wanting money. (They have been having difficulty due to FIL disabilities from Covid and still supporting SIL who is grown but working on master's degree)
They have never been good with money....ever.

If we help them...no house. If we get the house they might lose theirs and need a place to live. Ugggghhhhh

 

[notonmywatch]

We, my wife and I are in process of buying a house....an old victorian with a tower and etc.

"Tower"?

Did somebody say "tower"?

*cough* my avatar *cough*

 

[Lanolin]

depends if your house is big enought to accomodate them

If its like a mansion then yea you have no excuse. Look after your parents in their old age, especially if you can afford it. Or throw them to the wolves...your choice.

 

[Lanolin]

I wonder what the tower is for...If its big enough to have a tower, then I think you can always build some kind of granny flat add on. You may not need to be under one roof though but the same property.

Family right? Cant live with them, cant live without them...

 

[Billyd]

The commandment with a promise.

Deu 5:16 “‘Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.

What ever you do, make sure that you honor your parents. This applies to your youth as well as to their old age.

An old couple's (in their 80s) advise to those who are buying large houses. Don't. Daily cleaning and upkeep is not an easy task.

 

[JohnDB]

"Tower"?

Did somebody say "tower"?

*cough* my avatar *cough*

It's a decorative tower....an Elizabethan Victorian house. So it has lots of dormers, high ceilings, and plaster walls and ceilings....also transit windows and stained glass. The one spire is purely decorative. It flows up from the ground level where it is part of a bedroom.
But it has two porches and a back deck.

All told it currently has 3 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms....one of the rooms could be a fourth but it would be losing a den.


Sure there's enough room but it would definitely be a cramp on my lifestyle. I get up early and go to bed late. I will be working on the house early morning hours and drinking coffee and making a racket. My wife gets up early like me and goes to work in her office. Her parents have a very different lifestyle....not to mention they are both needing to see doctors and have lots of personal drama that my wife and I want NO part of.

 

[notonmywatch]

The house part sounds nice.

The drama part?

Not so much.

I don't know what to tell you, but I did just say a prayer for you and your wife. All that I can say is that I've been through more than my fair share of family-related dramas over the years. At times, I literally was provoked to the point of wanting to strangle somebody. Of course, that's not a godly virtue, and God used those situations to expose things in me which needed to be removed. Anyway, that's just me. Like I said, I said a prayer for you and your wife. May God grant you both wisdom how to proceed with the situations you've described regarding both the house and your in-laws.

 

[Lanolin]

well if its your 'lifestyle' you are concerned about rather than your own parents then obviously your priorities are more for yourself than others. I dont think its really honoring your parents thinking that way.

sorry I dont have much sympathy. Why not offer to pay for assisted living as many people do. You dont really NEED a decorative tower do you?

 

[MessengerofTruth]

Well,
We, my wife and I are in process of buying a house....an old victorian with a tower and etc. Built in the 1890's. It needs some maintenance but it's a fairly good deal....I can fix it up and it will be worth a lot more than what we are paying for it.

Then out of the blue my wife's parents call wanting money. (They have been having difficulty due to FIL disabilities from Covid and still supporting SIL who is grown but working on master's degree)
They have never been good with money....ever.

If we help them...no house. If we get the house they might lose theirs and need a place to live. Ugggghhhhh

Could you take part of the house to create a sort of duplex or if you are unable to get that particular one, maybe look for something with a mother-in-law suite. Just a thought...

 

[TheNarrowPath]

I wish I had parents to make that offer tbh. I would suggest seeing it from the pov that they are your wifes parents. Dont know what your relationship is with them but out of respect for your wife, make good on your offer if they say yes. Help them out when they need you because there will come a time when you need help and God will bless you for your kindness to others.

 

[Papermonkey]

Offering your parents a place to live with you out of a sense of obligation...

Or your parents actually taking you up on the offer.

Reasons?

The first thing I see as of utmost I'mportance is the fact a person must first choose to ask. If they don't actually want their parents to take them up on the offer it's a simple matter. Don't ask.

 

[JohnDB]

Could you take part of the house to create a sort of duplex or if you are unable to get that particular one, maybe look for something with a mother-in-law suite. Just a thought...

It's a victorian....
I'm not sure if you are familiar with the Victorian floorplan norms but it's several rooms and no real hallways. You travel from one room to get to the next.

It's also column and post construction....all walls are load bearing so unless I gut the house and completely rebuild the interior, foundation, attic and roof line It's not really possible to turn into a duplex. Where there are enough exterior doors...it's just not feasible.

 

[JohnDB]

old couple's (in their 80s) advise to those who are buying large houses. Don't. Daily cleaning and upkeep is not an easy task

It's my wife's parents and not mine....
My in-laws are roughly my age. (Wife is much younger than me)

 

[MsMediator]

well if its your 'lifestyle' you are concerned about rather than your own parents then obviously your priorities are more for yourself than others. I dont think its really honoring your parents thinking that way.

sorry I dont have much sympathy. Why not offer to pay for assisted living as many people do. You dont really NEED a decorative tower do you?

In the U.S. assisted living is very expensive. It basically costs the same as an entire monthly income, depending on the facility etc. They provide meals, housekeeping, activities, etc. It is much more expensive than childcare. The only people I know who live in assisted living have pensions, which is rare nowadays. There is assisted living through Medicaid also for people without assets. However, people with some assets they do not qualify so assisted living is not an option, and most adult kids do not have an entire income to spare. Elderly care is extremely expensive. The cheapest option is for the elderly parent to stay in the adult child's home, however there are a variety of factors at play (space, able to get along with others, level of caretaking, etc.).

 

[HeIsHere]

Offering your parents a place to live with you out of a sense of obligation...

Or your parents actually taking you up on the offer.

Reasons?

A "sense" of obligation. That is a troubling sentiment.

 

[JohnDB]

In the U.S. assisted living is very expensive. It basically costs the same as an entire monthly income, depending on the facility etc. They provide meals, housekeeping, activities, etc. It is much more expensive than childcare. The only people I know who live in assisted living have pensions, which is rare nowadays. There is assisted living through Medicaid also for people without assets. However, people with some assets they do not qualify so assisted living is not an option, and most adult kids do not have an entire income to spare. Elderly care is extremely expensive. The cheapest option is for the elderly parent to stay in the adult child's home, however there are a variety of factors at play (space, able to get along with others, level of caretaking, etc.).

Which is why there is a bit of "which is worse?"

Parents shouldn't be a burden to their children. It's a given that moms and daughters are going to separate and be more comfortable living apart than in the same households....however moms and sons seem to usually do a LOT better....some even prefer the arrangement of living in the same house.
Dad's and sons....it depends on the two. Dad's and daughters? Can get to be trouble but usually if Dads can let the daughters live their lives without interference of trying to "protect"....it's OK.

But in this instance when my in-laws are my age and they are in a bind because of unreasonably helping their youngest child to the point that they lose their housing.....