~Chuckle for the Day~

[TheLearner]

Things you never hear in church..............
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!

 

[TheLearner]

Top 10 Reasons You Know You're a Baptist:
1. Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
2.when someone asks you what you would be if you weren't a Baptist, you say "I'd be ashamed!!!".
3. you are very sure that the so-called "wine" in the Bible was unfermented grape juice.
4. You ever wondered when Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong would get paid off.
5. you think sword drills have something to do with the Bible and not with fencing.
6. You think someone who says "Amen" while the preacher is preaching might be a Charismatic.
7. You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
8. you consider fried chicken to be the gospel bird.
9. yours is the oldest and most Biblical denomination of all, after all, it was founded by John the Baptist.
10. You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.

 

[TheLearner]

You might be a southern baptist if...

- You think John the Baptist started the SBC.

- You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.

- You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.

- Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.

- You think worship music has to be loud.

- You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.

- You judge the quality of a service by its length.

- You ever wake up in the middle of the night craving fried chicken and interpret that feeling as a call to preach.

- You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.

- You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.

- You have ever put an IOU in the offering plate.

- You complain that the pastor only works one day and then he works too long.

- You clapped in church and felt guilty about it all week.

- You are old enough to get a senior discount at the pharmacy, but not old enough to promote to the Senior Adult Sunday School; you think the only promotion after that is the cemetery.

- You are upset that Joshua brought down the wall of Jericho and think that the deacons should recommend that the church pay for it to prevent a general ruckus

 

[TheLearner]

He was definately a Baptist. When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
Clean Christian Jokes

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

 

[Lynx]

Osama Bin Laden died and went to the Pearly Gates. St Peter greeted him there.

"Mr. Bin Laden, please wait here for a few moments. There are some people who would like to meet you."

Soon after, George Washington came up to him, and suddenly punched him in the jaw. "You fiend!" he bellowed. "How dare you attack the people I fought so hard to defend!"

By the time Osama picked himself up from the ground after such a tremendous blow, Patrick Henry strolled up- and kicked him with all his might in the groin. "You're a hateful monster!" he shrieked.

Osama had barely regained his balance when Thomas Jefferson casually approached and decked him with incredible force. "That will teach you a lesson in American justice!", Thomas cried.

By this time, Obama was on the ground an in great pain. He looked up to St. Peter and asked, "Why? Why is this happening?"

Peter calmly explained, "Why, Obama. You know quite well that your Koran says that when you get to heaven, you'll be met by 72 Virginians."

I noticed at the end it changed from Osama to Obama...

But some people claim it would still apply.

 

[Zandar]

i like the one about the celtic fan

 

[Zandar]

the Lord tells this holiness preacher to go to a certain church and they are going to have a revival, so the guy takes off across the country.
he finds the town and finds the road and the Lord tells him, You'll see a baptist church on the corner, so turn there and go all rhe way to the end of the road and you'll find a little church there.
so sure enough he turns at the baptist church and goes to the end of the road and pastor is waiting for him there. he tells the pastor, i'll be right back.
he drives back to thee baptist church and were one of the members is mowing the yard and says, well, brother. at least God knows you're here!

 

[Zandar]

Is it Friday yet?

 

[Zandar]

Those priest in Poland have got style.

 

[Zandar]

So there was this pastor. He had a minister come to there church to hold revival, so he invited the minister to stayed with him and his family.

the first night they had fried chicken, baked chicken and chicken casserole.

second night they had chicken and dumplings, chicken soup and chicken pot pie

every night it was a feast of chicken prepared every which way and the minister was thinking, i dont ever want to leave

so one night they were sitting on the porch and a chicken ran by missing half its feathers so the minister said, whats wrong with those chickens?

the pastor replied, i dont know, theyre dying faster than we can eat them!

 

[Zandar]

 

[Zandar]

 

[p_rehbein]

 

[GaryA]

That is one fat cat!

 

[Bingo]

 

[Zandar]

im glad im in the 20 percent myself lol

 

[Karlon]

the chuckle of the day is the knuckle of my way.....or else!!!!!!!! nyuknyuknyuknyuknyuk

 

[Zandar]

the chuckle of the day is the knuckle of my way.....or else!!!!!!!! nyuknyuknyuknyuknyuk

How about a five!

 

[Zandar]

 

[Karlon]

izint itt phunnnee wen know1 laffs wile evree1 else laffs?