Has the single forum died down?
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I think this is a pretty thorough summary of why the forum has slowed down so much -- competition and a shifting landscape.
When I first joined (2009,) we had a lot of young people here -- mid-20's to mid-30's, so there was obviously a lot of interest in finding someone at that time.
Nowadays, I think the demographic has shifted considerably -- I'm guessing 35-65 seems to be more the norm -- and that presents a whole new set of challenges and responsibilities.
I'm not trying to downplay the needs of older singles who want to find someone at all, but say for example, a family of mine collapsed and was rushed to the ER a few weeks ago -- which greatly reduces my interest in supposedly "single" topics like flirting, how to meet dates, and worrying about whether someone likes me or not.
The thread about chores was actually born from a sense of gratitude that I could do laundry for my loved one, whom we are very grateful that God has kept here, at least for now.
I do think a lot about how to keep Singles welcoming to a wide range of single experiences -- from those who are very much concerned with finding someone, to those like me whose focus has shifted to the well-being of family members. Every person in my circle is a caretaker and that greatly affects how we view dating or gettimg married.
I want to be respectful of those who ask, "How do I meet someone?"
But the truth is, whenever I hear the tried-and-true answer: "You need to volunteer, get involved, and meet someone at your church!!" (as if no single person on earth could figure that out on their own,) my spirit literally retches in response. Sure it works for some, but there's any recognition the fact that many of us have been in church all our lives but never found someone there, even while pretty much living at the church (I did this for a few years and became severely burned out.)
I'm much more interested in learning what challenges married people face that we singles can work on preparing for if we are to be married. Are they overcoming? Are they having victory? If so, why aren't more people finding this as well?
The number one topic I always run into is sexual abuse/porn addiction. So, married women, what advice do you have for ladies who are looking to get married -- and may have to deal with a husband who prefers porn to them? Married men, what advice do you have for men who are trying to kick the habit, and should they still get married? Do you feel women should just accept that most men look at porn and not expect anything different?
I think the church is basically doing nothing to address sexual abuse/addiction and while it tells us that getting married is the thing to do, there doesn't seem to be much help for the issues that are often brought to life AFTER marriage.
No one talks about the wife who finds she doesn't like intimacy because of past abuse, and so she gets to a point where avoids her husband as much as possible.
Or the husband who grew an attraction to various things he saw portrayed through illicit means, and now he expects his wife to do those things -- even though she doesn't want to.
These are the types of stories I have heard repeatedly and no one talks about them. I actually used to write threads about some of these issues back in the day but of course, realize a public forum is extremely limited and isn't going to be of much help. But there was a reason behind it.
I'll never forget writing a thread about sexual abuse and a young man I'd never seen here before came into the live chat (when we still had them,) saying, "SS, thanks for the thread -- peace," and then I never saw him again. For me, that was a confirmation that I need to find a way to keep talking to people about things no one wants to talk about -- which means seeking out other places to talk to people.
I had to smile when @Godsgirl1983 mentioned that I liked stirring the pot, even from the beginning. I'm certainly guilty as charged.
However, the motivation has changed over the years. When I started here, I had a lot of leftover anger and bitterness from my undesired divorce. Over time, my temperament has mellowed, and now I'm just your average kind of ornery, trying to stir up some above average trouble.
Most of my thread ideas are actually quite serious, but for right now, people seem to need a few fluffier topics.
I do pray about whether I should stay on this forum or not, or if God is trying to move me elsewhere.
And so when things calm down, if God seems to allow it, I hope to be back to stirring that big ol' pot.
Except maybe this time it'll be with an electric mixer instead of just a plain old wooden spoon.
When I first joined (2009,) we had a lot of young people here -- mid-20's to mid-30's, so there was obviously a lot of interest in finding someone at that time.
Nowadays, I think the demographic has shifted considerably -- I'm guessing 35-65 seems to be more the norm -- and that presents a whole new set of challenges and responsibilities.
I'm not trying to downplay the needs of older singles who want to find someone at all, but say for example, a family of mine collapsed and was rushed to the ER a few weeks ago -- which greatly reduces my interest in supposedly "single" topics like flirting, how to meet dates, and worrying about whether someone likes me or not.
The thread about chores was actually born from a sense of gratitude that I could do laundry for my loved one, whom we are very grateful that God has kept here, at least for now.
I do think a lot about how to keep Singles welcoming to a wide range of single experiences -- from those who are very much concerned with finding someone, to those like me whose focus has shifted to the well-being of family members. Every person in my circle is a caretaker and that greatly affects how we view dating or gettimg married.
I want to be respectful of those who ask, "How do I meet someone?"
But the truth is, whenever I hear the tried-and-true answer: "You need to volunteer, get involved, and meet someone at your church!!" (as if no single person on earth could figure that out on their own,) my spirit literally retches in response. Sure it works for some, but there's any recognition the fact that many of us have been in church all our lives but never found someone there, even while pretty much living at the church (I did this for a few years and became severely burned out.)
I'm much more interested in learning what challenges married people face that we singles can work on preparing for if we are to be married. Are they overcoming? Are they having victory? If so, why aren't more people finding this as well?
The number one topic I always run into is sexual abuse/porn addiction. So, married women, what advice do you have for ladies who are looking to get married -- and may have to deal with a husband who prefers porn to them? Married men, what advice do you have for men who are trying to kick the habit, and should they still get married? Do you feel women should just accept that most men look at porn and not expect anything different?
I think the church is basically doing nothing to address sexual abuse/addiction and while it tells us that getting married is the thing to do, there doesn't seem to be much help for the issues that are often brought to life AFTER marriage.
No one talks about the wife who finds she doesn't like intimacy because of past abuse, and so she gets to a point where avoids her husband as much as possible.
Or the husband who grew an attraction to various things he saw portrayed through illicit means, and now he expects his wife to do those things -- even though she doesn't want to.
These are the types of stories I have heard repeatedly and no one talks about them. I actually used to write threads about some of these issues back in the day but of course, realize a public forum is extremely limited and isn't going to be of much help. But there was a reason behind it.
I'll never forget writing a thread about sexual abuse and a young man I'd never seen here before came into the live chat (when we still had them,) saying, "SS, thanks for the thread -- peace," and then I never saw him again. For me, that was a confirmation that I need to find a way to keep talking to people about things no one wants to talk about -- which means seeking out other places to talk to people.
I had to smile when @Godsgirl1983 mentioned that I liked stirring the pot, even from the beginning. I'm certainly guilty as charged.
However, the motivation has changed over the years. When I started here, I had a lot of leftover anger and bitterness from my undesired divorce. Over time, my temperament has mellowed, and now I'm just your average kind of ornery, trying to stir up some above average trouble.
Most of my thread ideas are actually quite serious, but for right now, people seem to need a few fluffier topics.
I do pray about whether I should stay on this forum or not, or if God is trying to move me elsewhere.
And so when things calm down, if God seems to allow it, I hope to be back to stirring that big ol' pot.
Except maybe this time it'll be with an electric mixer instead of just a plain old wooden spoon.
Thank you so very much for retching at the standard advice to singles of go to church, volunteer, and get involved. For me I went to church where the only single men not married or my parents' age were my relatives. I visited other fellowships but it always felt forced and wrong to be there for something other than God. I briefly volunteered somewhere where I met an amazing friend but he was developmentally disabled and God specifically indicated he was not my match. After that God called me to substitute teach and work with a few homeschoolers - not exactly fertile grounds for finding a mate, especially as a women in a profession that is like 95% female and the customers are all underage. And my activities tended to be like the above audience even when I briefly got into football since there was no good connection point with strangers. I was also somewhat limited in my options by the fact that I lived fairly far out and the closest venues were casino-based and thus didn't seem like a likely place to meet a follower of God. Now I am pretty much a caretaker, so apparently I fit in here well.
It came up early on when I joined here just a few months ago, but God has now indicated that He has someone in particular for me. He had basically said as much like 13 years ago though I didn't understand how specific he meant at the time. I'm not saying that is always the case, and why it is taking so long to actually meet is the $10,000 question, but it is yet more evidence for the foolishness of the aforementioned bad advice. Basically it leaves what God is doing with a person out of the equation.
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I was in middle school But if you was a cool person none of us would have freaked out Now, several, some years later. Yeah, the moderators would have kicked you out.. When none?
Of my friends were on. I would always go into the lounge get yelled at by half bc they felt teens should stay in teens but half the adults always invited me into the laughters they was the cool ones
Of my friends were on. I would always go into the lounge get yelled at by half bc they felt teens should stay in teens but half the adults always invited me into the laughters they was the cool ones
