Contentment in singlehood
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I have been divorced and widowed, and am now alone at age 73. I believe the Lord made it clear that I am to remain single until He comes or takes me. That simplifies things because I just have to obey.
Howdy and welcome to the forum.
Your eyes look like you are indeed a quiet lady, but with a good wit, much intelligence and a great sense of humor. I look forward to any comments you want to leave in the forum.
Fortunately you can say a lot on an internet forum without making a sound... Except a bit of keyboard clicking.
Just some thoughts on "contentment in singleness."
Are we required to be “content” with singleness? I would say no. When you’re single, some people will try to encourage you with ideas like “this is where God has you right now.” And therefore, you have to "learn contentment" in it. But just because you’re currently single doesn’t mean that God wants you there. This idea is a little strange. What if I’m currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things happening because “God wants me there”? Should I be “content” with those situations? Often people teach this sort of idea when they talk about singleness.
The funny thing is that it actually seems counter to what Paul actually says in 1 Corinthians 7. What Paul says is that if you are single and not content….then go get married. Isn’t that interesting? Just because something’s happening in your life doesn’t mean it’s a “gift from God.” Paul does say that he, personally, is content with being single, but he also says that not everyone is like that.
I mean, if you’re striving to be content in order to be “ready” or “good enough” to find a spouse, well, that’s not really good, is it? Isn’t that somewhat dishonest? If I’m trying to become “content” so that I can get married…..well, then I’m not really content, am I? And what about the young couple that dates in high school and then gets married at 21? Were they content in singleness first? I’m gonna say no. Why didn't God have to make all the young couples single longer so that He could teach them "contentment"? If people were able to find true “contentment” with being single, why bother getting married?
I mean, what if if you’re currently homeless, or unemployed? Should you “learn contentment” in those situations, or do things to escape them?
We can definitely over-spiritualize things like "contentment in singleness."
Are we required to be “content” with singleness? I would say no. When you’re single, some people will try to encourage you with ideas like “this is where God has you right now.” And therefore, you have to "learn contentment" in it. But just because you’re currently single doesn’t mean that God wants you there. This idea is a little strange. What if I’m currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things happening because “God wants me there”? Should I be “content” with those situations? Often people teach this sort of idea when they talk about singleness.
The funny thing is that it actually seems counter to what Paul actually says in 1 Corinthians 7. What Paul says is that if you are single and not content….then go get married. Isn’t that interesting? Just because something’s happening in your life doesn’t mean it’s a “gift from God.” Paul does say that he, personally, is content with being single, but he also says that not everyone is like that.
I mean, if you’re striving to be content in order to be “ready” or “good enough” to find a spouse, well, that’s not really good, is it? Isn’t that somewhat dishonest? If I’m trying to become “content” so that I can get married…..well, then I’m not really content, am I? And what about the young couple that dates in high school and then gets married at 21? Were they content in singleness first? I’m gonna say no. Why didn't God have to make all the young couples single longer so that He could teach them "contentment"? If people were able to find true “contentment” with being single, why bother getting married?
I mean, what if if you’re currently homeless, or unemployed? Should you “learn contentment” in those situations, or do things to escape them?
We can definitely over-spiritualize things like "contentment in singleness."
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passion84god
Guest
That was an interesting read, and you made some valid points or asked some valid questions. Truth be told though, I am content in singleness. Maybe I'm a weirdo or something. Who knows? Personally, I think that it has a lot to do with one's priorities in life. In my particular case, I am genuinely concerned about my own walk with God, first and foremost. Not because it's failing, but I am definitely a lot less productive than I used to be where the advancement of God's kingdom is concerned, and that troubles me. Therefore, I normally don't even think about women, dating, or marriage. I also think that it has a lot to do with who and what we surround ourselves with or societal pressures. If you're single, then a lot of people feel sorry for you or think there is something wrong with you, and that can apply pressure to enter into some sort of relationship that you might not truly desire or might not truly be ready for just to "fit in." I deliberately cut myself off from such people and pressures, and it certainly seems to be working for me.
Well, it depends on the person. Like you said, you're genuinely content with being single. That's good! Nothing wrong with that. Some people are like that. Doesn't make you a weirdo, haha.
Personally, as a single Christian who would rather be married, you often get told by well-meaning Christians that you have to "learn" how to be "content" with being single when you would rather want the other thing. But, there are people who are genuinely OK with staying single. Personally, I'm not one of them, though, haha.
You also mention "societal pressures." Can society pressure you into pursuing marriage? Yeah, maybe. Personally, though, I don't feel pressure from "society" or "the world" to pursue romance or marriage. They're just things that I genuinely want on my own. The people in my own life are actually seem pretty indifferent as to whether or not I ever date or marry. That's just me, though.
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passion84god
Guest
There is nothing wrong with those desires. I hope that you find what or who you are looking for.
From the sound of things, you don't understand what contentment actually is.
An unemployed person does need to find contentment until they get a job; without growing complacent. There's a huge difference.
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passion84god
Guest
Maybe it's not my place to say so, but I definitely disagree with your assessment of him.
Well, how would you define being "content with singleness"? And why would you say it's necessary?
being content just means that you're satisfied with what you have for the time being. It doesn't mean you don't try to do and get more in life- but what it is; is not getting angry with God if you don't get what you want.
You don't have to be "satisfied" in your singleness if you'd rather want to be married. Nowhere does the Bible say that. If we were able to make ourselves "satisfied" with our unwanted singleness, well, why would anyone bother dating or marrying?
We can all control our decisions and actions, certainly. You can't control the way these things make you feel.
I mean, sure, you can potentially become unhealthily obsessed with looking for a spouse, but I do actually think that if you want to get married and you’re, say, 25 or older, you should probably put some serious effort into it. It's probably not going to "just happen." I mean, we don't approach other life goals that way, do we? Like a job search, or weight loss.
Yes, marriage isn't the goal, but it can definitely be a goal, and that's fine.
Why do I have change my emotional state about unwanted singleness? I mean, look at some biblical examples of parenthood and childlessness. I know this is a different issue from singleness, but it's interesting to note the role of desire and emotion here. Rebekah was barren and prayed for a child. Rachel was heartbroken about her barrenness and basically demanded children from Jacob. Hannah cried bitterly and openly about her inability to have children, and Eli (after misunderstanding her) prayed for God to grant her request. These women had strong desires for good things, and they were sad when they didn't come to pass. But nowhere in the Bible are they ever condemned for "discontentment" or "idolatry" or anything like that.
Another relevant story is Jephthah and his daughter. She was basically forced to remain single against her will for her whole life and she and her friends literally mourned that fact for two whole months. Nowhere in the Bible are these people condemned or criticized for "discontent" or "idolatry," either.
Also, personally, I used to be angry with God due to unwanted singleness. I'm not anymore, because I don't really believe He really involves Himself in these things all that much. Often, as Christians, we can get the idea that God's a Puppetmaster who's running every aspect of our love lives. I have my doubts about that, though.
Of course, some people will assure me, with all seriousness, that God really does orchestrate all the Christian matches and that I should "trust God's timing." These people are usually married Christians who met their partner by coincidence (when they "stopped looking" as the cliché goes) and then got married at 21. Easy for them to say, haha.
Sovereign Lord is in control every aspect of our life.
Be content in His provision. Count the blessings.
Be content in His provision. Count the blessings.
Sure, that sounds great. It sure sounds like The Good Christian Thing To Do. Still, if you're 25 or older and still single, and don't want to be, that's OK. And if all you've done at that point is passively wait on "God's timing," it's probably time to put some serious effort into it. It's probably not going to "just happen."
It's like a job search, or wait loss, or any other goal in life.
And besides, the Bible doesn't promise us marriage anywhere. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise He never made to you? In Matthew 19 Jesus even said that some people stay single, even if that wasn't their plan or God's plan.
I get that the "contentment" advice is well-meaning, I do, but at a certain point in life it just stops being helpful.
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passion84god
Guest
You have made a very strong case here. Don't let anybody condemn you for desiring something that is good.
I encourage young people to search actively, pray together, join fellowships, Christian churches, outings, ..... may God bless you abundantly.
I think Jesus was homeless, and Paul was at one point, he was even in jail, and that's where he learned contentment in all situations. Paul was even abused in jail, and had other things happen to him. He called it being abased.
I don't think he wanted to be married, so yea he learned contentment, plus he had an important mission to fulfil.
If your entire mission in life is actually to get married, then go do it, but for a lot of us singles, even older than 25 it isn't.
I don't think he wanted to be married, so yea he learned contentment, plus he had an important mission to fulfil.
If your entire mission in life is actually to get married, then go do it, but for a lot of us singles, even older than 25 it isn't.
Eh, there will always be two signs to this. One side will preach about how finding a wife is finding a good thing, and they actually call single people selfish and lazy. (coughJohnDBcough) The other side will preach about how Paul mentions single people have more time to devote to God, and they call married people selfish and not nearly as spiritual.
The main goal here is to put the other side down so you can feel good about whichever your side is. You might as well call them stripes and spots, or democrats and republicans, or Mac versus pc, or iPhone versus Android. I am this, so I have to find a reason to put you down if you are that.
Me, I'm on the third side. I wish both sides would stop arguing. They are interrupting my nap. I'm single and happy. If you are single and happy, good. If you are single and looking, good for you, but don't tell me that I have to start looking too. If you are married, that's great, but don't try to tell me that you are better than me because you have found somebody.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to eat my 85% cocoa chocolate bar while composing a diatribe against milk chocolate lovers.
Optimal: Happily married
Favourable: Happily single
Difficult: Unhappily single
Worst-case: Unhappily married
Full stop.
Favourable: Happily single
Difficult: Unhappily single
Worst-case: Unhappily married
Full stop.