Hey transformer!
First of all,for your insomnia, I suggest you to have a sleeping pattern of specific time to sleep so that when the time reaches, your body will be 'half shut downed' (personal experience, not a professional advise
)
and for your struggle. I don't know what your struggle is and I can't say that I'm 100% being empathic because I might not experience the tragic that you're experiencing. However, i know it's really heavy, painful, suffocated etc when the bad thing happens (because i experience bad events which might not same as yours). I'd say, the best rest is with Jesus. "Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28 . It's a good verse when people feel tired and sick of everything around and feel nothing goes right. I found a DNM talk (Deep N Meaningful) with God is really helpful. I feel so 'light' when I know there's Someone who is looking at me and cares about me.
Be a Christian doesn't mean you are perfect. We've decided to follow Jesus and become Christian because we acknowledge how sinful we are, how bad we are, how messed up our lives are (this might not true for some Christians) and we decide to do an easy Way which is by putting all our troubles, our worries and most importantly our sins to Christ and live a new way. God gives us a solution and if we accept it, our sinful lives won't constrain and eat our conscience anymore and we will live with Love, Faith and Hope. Believe me, He loves everyone that's why He provides a way to save us from sin. "For God so loved the world, He gives His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16.
*personal experience, I've become Christian when I acknowledge Christ's sacrifice and that's His death. He basically is a real pro in touching people's hearts and it's through bible so if you don't understand the bible, don't worry, it's not easily understood and I'm sure every Christians agree on that. You can post a topic in this website like you did
or you can ask people like your Christian friends or people here. Rome wasn't built in a day. I'd say before the reading,maybe you can pray to God and ask to let you understand the bible, no need to be long, as long as it's sincere.*
For the part of not believing Jesus, it takes time
, some people believe in Jesus in one night seminar, some people don't. They need to read and understand what actually Jesus provides and His way to decide whether they want to follow him. I think it's good to do that, seek Him and He'll surely have a plan for you
+additionally, you still have friends and us!!you can just keep 'annoy' us with your message. Most people here will be happy to talk to you, including me
Cheers