Question for couples...

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R

_Ragdoll_

Guest
#1
#1
If your spouse had an active online dating profile that people where looking at and commenting on, would you be upset? Am I overreacting?

It states he is "never married, no kids"... We've been married 4 years and have 2 kids.
Granted, I realize this may be a profile from the past, but he still gets hits on it and still opens EVERY email that he gets from the profile, I can't tell if he's responding to them or not...He's been caught doing something like this before and deleted everything and tried to tell me I was crazy and making it all up in my head... so I know that he's been deleting things. He takes these emails and puts them in a "unsubscribe" folder, but he keeps getting them.

Also, He's a member of an online gaming site, and has been talking to a female there, I can't see his side of the conversation, but her side makes it seem like it's innappropriate.

Yes, I am snooping, but only because I stumbled across something, and this has happened a couple of times in the past, (talking to females inappropriately, responding to casual encounters craigslist ads)... We have talked about this, til i'm blue in the face... but this keeps happening.

I'm at the point where i'm not sure what to do anymore... Get rid of the internet? Go "off the grid"? But he would still have access at work, and i live 2 hours away from any family and have no friends here in the city, i would feel even more lonely than i already do... When is enough, enough? I realize he's probably not physically cheating, he's always at work or here, and his paychecks reflect the time he spends away from home. So unless he was seeing someone at work... I don't think that's the case?

But I don't believe that adultery is just physical either.... Am I unfounded in these feelings? Would you be upset? What would you do?

I want honest answers... I am praying about, I have talked to him about it, I have talked to my "mentor" about it... and a counselor...
 
K

kenisyes

Guest
#2
#2
I think that's adultery. My wife died, and my password is still something about her. I'll even change that if I get married again.

Do you know how to make a screenshot? Press the print screen key (upper right corner of the keyboard), open a word document (one of your own on a thumb drive) click paste and save the file. That proves it was on his computer. That will stop his deleting.
 
S

Songbird_7

Guest
#3
#3
YES, I would be upset. NO, your feelings are not unfounded. If my husband was on a dating site and still checking his messages, I would be furious, especially if I had confronted him about it before. The fact that you've talked about it already and he is still trying to hide what he's doing is a huge red flag. What exactly is the nature of these relationships? Even if he's not meeting these women, he is betraying your trust and pretending to not be married. You can bet some fur would be flying in my house. Aside from making it very clear that I am not happy with what he's doing, I don't know what else I would do to stop it. If he is not willing to stop, there is obviously a serious problem and you need marriage counseling. Sure, you could get rid of your computer, but that isn't dealing with the issue. Maybe he has some insecurity problems and flirting with women online is an ego booster. Whatever it is, you need to get to the bottom of it. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum. Pray about it and do what you feel needs to be done to wake him up. Even if it means leaving for a time. If he loves you, he should be willing to delete these online accounts and say good bye to his internet girlfriends. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's my opinion. What advice do others give you? I know if this was me, it would really erode the trust that is so important in a marriage. It's not fair for you to be constantly worried and wondering if your husband is meeting someone or talking inappropriately with other women.
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#4
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
81
48
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#4
It doesn't matter if it's an "old profile" or not, the fact that he is still using it after he is married is a big red flag. Also, like Songbird_7 said, the fact that you have talked to him about this before and he still goes behind your back and lies is another huge red flag. It'd be one thing if it was a site like this and he was just talking to females as friends (though even then he would still have to be careful), but a site that is specific to dating? No. He should delete his profile and not get on there again, period.

Also, putting emails in an "Unsubscribe" folder does not unsubscribe you from them. I'm not sure if that's what you meant?

I'd recommend you asking and seeing if he'd be willing to go to marital counseling (you both go as a couple, though he may benefit from counseling as an individual). It sounds like he has issues if he feels that he must get certain needs fulfilled through women he meets online instead of through his actual wife, especially since it's obviously affecting you.

Praying for you, friend. This must be very tough. You are lovely and valueable, draw closer to God during this time. :)
 
R

_Ragdoll_

Guest
#5
#5
rachelsedge said:
It doesn't matter if it's an "old profile" or not, the fact that he is still using it after he is married is a big red flag. Also, like Songbird_7 said, the fact that you have talked to him about this before and he still goes behind your back and lies is another huge red flag. It'd be one thing if it was a site like this and he was just talking to females as friends (though even then he would still have to be careful), but a site that is specific to dating? No. He should delete his profile and not get on there again, period.

Also, putting emails in an "Unsubscribe" folder does not unsubscribe you from them. I'm not sure if that's what you meant?

I'd recommend you asking and seeing if he'd be willing to go to marital counseling (you both go as a couple, though he may benefit from counseling as an individual). It sounds like he has issues if he feels that he must get certain needs fulfilled through women he meets online instead of through his actual wife, especially since it's obviously affecting you.

Praying for you, friend. This must be very tough. You are lovely and valueable, draw closer to God during this time. :)
Click to expand...

Thank you. We both realize that the unsubscribe folder won't unsubscribe him from these emails... knowing how he is.. i figure it's more of a hiding it in plain sight thing... such as "i'm not deleting it, but i'm storing it away in this file, so i can claim it's spam if she finds it... that way she can't say i'm hiding it from her"... I know him well, he did get caught deleting emails, then started selectively deleting emails (only getting rid of the bad ones), this is how his mind works. We did deal with problems of porn towards the beginning of our marriage, and he either quit or got better at hiding it. We have been in counseling on and off for two years, done the love dare 3 times. I do know he does have deep seeded issues, but he refuses to talk about them with anyone.

My problem is this... He is a good husband, a good man, a great father. He's bends over backwards for anyone and everyone and would give his last dollar to a homeless person, even if it meant giving up his own meal. It just so happens that the "fault" he seems to have is the one I have the hardest time dealing with. As sad as this is to say, I think I could deal with a one time physical cheating incident easier than I could deal with this on and off again online attention seeking stuff. I know it's nothing i've done or haven't done, He acknowledges that he has this problem, but it continues. It leaves me in agony. I hate it. The devil is so clever and deceptive and just.... ugh. I think he just doesn't think i'm as serious as I am about it. I had already left the house for a while to seek God, on my own, to clear my head, because I was so hurt by everything. I have since started making screen shots and saving everything, on a not so secret folder, so that if he comes across it he knows i know, and on a hidden harddrive so he can't delete it.

I love him, I do. When I said "til death do us part", i meant it... But this may very well kill me. :(
 
H

Hungry

Banned
#6
Nov 26, 2012
3,095
1,050
113
#6
I'm sorry about your situation. Coming from a guy who was hooked on porn I can give you some specific insight. He sounds very much like a people pleaser. Like you said he is very successful in many areas of life. His successes probably define him to some degree. I don't think it's that he doesn't love you. It sounds like this is his escape. He likes his life but is feeling crushed by the weight of the expectations of it. Everybody needs something from him. This is his coping mechanism. although I'm sure he loves his family for a few minutes a day he can have the carefree feeling of being single and childless. Mixed with the feelings of being attractive to other women this is a dangerous fantasy. I recommend an outlet for his stress and some counselling. Just my thoughts, hope it helps.
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#7
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#7
Yes, this isn't something to ignore. That's great that he's so loving and generous but that isn't a permission slip to sin. He needs to deal with his deception...he's just letting Satan's foot inside the door and it's opening up opportunities for harm to himself, to you, and to your family.

You have a responsibility as his spouse to confront him about this. The hardest thing will be to do so without a lot of hurt and resentment getting in the way. This is where you really need to let the Spirit lead you. Fast and pray before talking with your husband. Then make sure you choose the opportunity wisely. Don't let it come spewing out when you're angry. Make sure the children are out of the vicinity for awhile. Try not to confront him before bedtime. Make sure he's well-fed (I've noticed my husband is more receptive on a full stomach ;) ).
 
S

Songbird_7

Guest
#8
#8
Feed him first! Love it :D I had an issue with my husband when we were newlyweds and I was nagging him a lot about it. Now, it wasn't as serious as this, but I found that prayer had an awesome impact not only on him, but on me and my response to him and what he was doing. I keep coming back to that. Here we are, 10 years later, still having issues....we may be Christ's but we're not perfect. We go through the sanctification process, and I believe this is a lifelong process of God weeding out our faults. He WILL do it, and he WILL complete the work He started in us, but we have to be willing to let Him. Pray for your husband that he will open himself to the work of the Holy Spirit. That is where true conviction comes from. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but he won't feel bad about it until he feels that conviction from God. And pray for God to guide you as well. Marriage can be tough, but hang in there. God has great plans for you and your husband together, and some day you will look back and see how far God has brought you. Your experience will be a great testimony to other married couples who are struggling with these issues.
 
R

_Ragdoll_

Guest
#9
#9
Thank you all for your great advice. I prayed and prayed and prayed about it all day. I know what i'm going to do now, started by deleting that particular account myself. This way, when I tell him i've done it over dinner tonight (which, my mother is coming to take the kids to mcdonald's and then to the inflatable fun house for a couple of hours, what a treat for them!) i will fully be able to tell what his motives were by how he reacts to it. I am going to put my foot down, and remind him, that I am his wife, if he feels he is lacking attention from me he needs to communicate with me about it. We can fix anything. I was feeling like I was ready to leave, but God has put it on my heart that I need to stay and fight. I've always been a leader, I have a hard time following, I woke up this morning feeling so convicted... I was trying to lead my own life again instead of listening to what He was saying. I don't believe it's time for me to fall behind and let satan ruin my marriage. I'm not going to sit and fester in this misery that I had been. God has renewed my strength to fight! I will fight for my marriage, I will fight for my kids, I will fight for the life plan God has laid out for me! Funny that my Ipod is malfunctioning and the only songs it will play today is Battlecry by Disciple, the Heart of War album by Jonah 33, and Courageous by Casting Crowns! I feel that God is preparing me for the battle for my marriage! Pray for me brothers and sisters!


"Don't look now
But some of our worst enemies
Have found their way inside these walls we've made

These are the moments
That define us as cowards or men full of valor
So shut up and fight
And don't let 'em know you're afraid
I'm not one to lay down and die" - Scream by Jonah33, from the Heart of War album (2007)
 
S

Songbird_7

Guest
#10
#10
Amen Sista! Praying for you. You know, we should be warriors when it comes to our marriages. We need to guard our hearts all of the time because we are such a target of the enemy. The divorce rate among Christians is as high as the rest of the world and this shouldn't be! We wrestle not against flesh and blood. You will see amazing things happening when you approach the battle from this perspective. Your husband is not your enemy. Satan wants you to see him that way and to get you to lose hope. An area God has been showing me I need to work on in my life is really listening to and respecting my husband. Sometimes we don't even realize that we're not giving them that. I think it has a lot to do with our society's view that women are the same as men and that we are independent and don't need men. Then in marriage it is hard to submit to that God given authority...it's not even intentional! Not on my part, anyway. I just tend to be stubborn. My husband is a very strong, tough guy, and he actually started crying when he told me how he felt when I don't listen to him and when he feels disrespected. Just throwin that out there. Let us know how it goes! Prayers.
 
AAAPlus

AAAPlus

Senior Member
#11
Aug 2, 2011
601
10
18
#11
_Ragdoll_ said:
Thank you all for your great advice. I prayed and prayed and prayed about it all day. I know what i'm going to do now, started by deleting that particular account myself. This way, when I tell him i've done it over dinner tonight (which, my mother is coming to take the kids to mcdonald's and then to the inflatable fun house for a couple of hours, what a treat for them!) i will fully be able to tell what his motives were by how he reacts to it. I am going to put my foot down, and remind him, that I am his wife, if he feels he is lacking attention from me he needs to communicate with me about it. We can fix anything. I was feeling like I was ready to leave, but God has put it on my heart that I need to stay and fight. I've always been a leader, I have a hard time following, I woke up this morning feeling so convicted... I was trying to lead my own life again instead of listening to what He was saying. I don't believe it's time for me to fall behind and let satan ruin my marriage. I'm not going to sit and fester in this misery that I had been. God has renewed my strength to fight! I will fight for my marriage, I will fight for my kids, I will fight for the life plan God has laid out for me! Funny that my Ipod is malfunctioning and the only songs it will play today is Battlecry by Disciple, the Heart of War album by Jonah 33, and Courageous by Casting Crowns! I feel that God is preparing me for the battle for my marriage! Pray for me brothers and sisters!


"Don't look now
But some of our worst enemies
Have found their way inside these walls we've made

These are the moments
That define us as cowards or men full of valor
So shut up and fight
And don't let 'em know you're afraid
I'm not one to lay down and die" - Scream by Jonah33, from the Heart of War album (2007)
Click to expand...
You're amazing! Keep fighting for your marriage! It looks like you have a great gameplan here. Let us know how it goes. I'm praying for you. Most people would have given up, but you two have something special in your marriage and it's worth fighting for.
 
T

tdrew777

Guest
#12
#12
Please know that I support your decision and support you in prayer. You have a marvelous spirit. Know that men crave respect as women crave love. You lost points in the respect department, having deleted the account (decision which I support). Find other ways (plural) to show your respect. Respect him into loving you.
 
rachelsedge

rachelsedge

Senior Member
#13
Oct 15, 2012
3,659
81
48
34
#13
Ragdoll, how did it go? I was praying for both you and your husband.

Also, I have never heard of that song by Jonah33, but those lyrics are simply incredible.
 
Fenner

Fenner

Senior Member
#14
Jan 26, 2013
7,507
111
0
#14
I would be upset. People can work things out d I hope you and your husband do. you've gotten a lot of good advice already. I will pray for you.
 
R

_Ragdoll_

Guest
#15
#15
Well, friends, there's not much I can really update you all on at this point. Please continue to pray for my family. I will be logging off for some time, since "technology" seems to be the root of our problems right now, we are shutting off everything with the exceptions of our cell phones, he is also taking some time off of work. We will be having an intense therapy session or two to see if we can get things under control. I have to say, I was quite blindsided by everything, I didn't realize just how deep things were. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. God bless you all.
 
K

kenisyes

Guest
#16
#16
I doubt you will see this, but this is a great beginning. Even if we lose you for a while in the process. You will come back with a healed marriage and stronger in Christ.
 
H

HEstolemyheart

Guest
#17
#17
I am a personal friend of _Ragdoll_. She asked me to let everyone know that she will, indeed, be gone from the forums for a while. Please pray for her family. Things are really bad. I can't go into full detail about things, it's not my place, but please pray for her strength, the softening of his heart, and physical healing. (No, he wasn't abusive and didn't attack her, just so there's no confusion there.)
 
S

Songbird_7

Guest
#18
#18
I will keep them in my prayers. Thanks for the update!
 
B

Butterflylove

Guest
#19
#19
Hi ok im having proublems with my husband about porn im I wrong for not excepting that I feel disrespected and unhappy he saids is normal ,but I dont think it is when his lusting for other women
 
B

Butterflylove

Guest
#20
#20
Im sorry to hear that , u need to seriously talk to him if he loves u he will stop on his own , talk to him n ask him what he wants to be with u or be on his own , tell him how u feel n if he wont stop then u have to move on.
 
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