I listen to Joyce Meyer Ministry online, when l m too depress nothing seems to get into my head...l start gripping hard on my sons and began to hate and hit out at my husband. It's so bitter and hard to walk a Christian faith when l m in so much pain, whenever l m down l can't help myself. I wanted to leave him, but my sons said it's a sin to divorce and they feel that l should forgive 'daddy', for he repented and treat me well. I can't say he is a bad father nor he treat me bad, he is a good father and provider but he seems to be in and out of affairs and my trust and patience is thinning. At times l response to his kindness for the family sake but now l feel so hopeless and empty, God isn't answering my prayers and cries and my husband won't let go...l feel dead, if God are willing please take me even though l will miss my children. Trust me l had confronted my husband for last ten years, he can't keep his promise and he won't let me go...sometimes l feel he is driving me crazy.
Lily I will pray that you see that God is right there with you...loving you through this...even if you can't feel His presence.
I will share with you my testimony.
I have been abused and mistreated by men most of my life. I was molested at 5 by my grandfather, suffered through verbal and watched the physical abuse of my mother growing up, verbally abused by my ex husband, and dumped by every man since him. I felt worthless, empty, and most of all angry. Angry at my abusers, the men who were supposed to love me but rejected me, and angry how my life had turned out. For most of my adult life I refused to show my anger because I feared it. When I did get angry I would explode because it was bottled up for so long.
Then I had a period where all I was 24/7 was angry. I slammed doors so hard the hinges would come apart and the doorknobs fell off. I slipped deeper into depression. Around this time I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was devastated because I saw what hell my dad who is also bipolar put my family through. My mom has PSTD now because of the abuse he put her through. So I got even more angry. I felt worthless and stayed with a cheater for 10 years because I thought I didn't deserve better.
The biggest thing that was missing in my life was love...love for myself, feeling loved by others, and happiness. What I discovered is that I already had someone in my life that loved me as I was, and never left me (even though I abandoned my Christian faith for years), and was by my side through all of the pain and suffering.
What I was lacking was knowing who I really was and knowing the person my identity should have been centered around. The only thing that allowed me to really heal was daily scripture reading and prayer. Reading the Bible made Jesus real to me and gave me the tools I needed to become deeply rooted in Jesus and know my true value in Christ. Once I started applying what I was reading it was amazing how radically changed I was becoming. I gave all my hurt to Jesus and gave myself to serving God and now I'm finally happy.
You my sister are God's masterpiece and have great value to Him. Tie your identity to Him. Find out who you are in Christ. Once I did that I was set free from so many chains that had held me down for so long.
Your husband is breaking his covenant with you by committing adultery. He's biblically in the wrong. So if you feel led to leave for your happiness and sanity then pray about it. Adultery is mental abuse and caused damage and possible physical health problems for you.
Jesus said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery," (
Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is porneia from which we get the word pornography. Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus.
Don't think that God isn't answering your prayers. Your husband is on his own moral journey and you can't control his actions. You can only control your responses to them. Don't let him damage your self worth. You are a child of the most high God. You are beautiful, and precious in His sight. You deserve love and happiness.
I will pray for you and your family sister. I hope my testimony brought you some insight. God bless you and your family. Don't give up!
