Feeling a bit smothered

[MissCris]

Gosh, a curfew when you were married and 23 seems tough. Was that just so you wouldn't disturb them coming home late?

Partly, yeah. But even if we came in quietly and didn't bug them, they had to leave the door unlocked for us because they didn't want to give us a house key. Since we were only going to be there for a couple months, and we didn't have the money to pay for a copy of the key...yeah. It was a whole lot of no fun, heh.

 

[RedTent]

Ephesians 6:1-3 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

This is so true, but the parent also has responsibilities, too, don't you think? They are not to provoke their children to wrath, for instance.

God gives children to parents to care for and nurture. If they are cared for in such a way that they don't learn how to be responsible for their own life, it is really abusing a child. Children are to respect and honor the parent, but if the parent doesn't keep up their part of the bargain, they must teach themselves what the parent fails to do.

 

[SeekingJC]

Agreed but to an extent. If the rules of the house are to be in at a certain hour that's not inhibiting a persons ability to care for themselves it's just a rule. Clothes shopping like the OP said to me is strange unless its your parents money then they have every right to be there. If you want freedom to live like you want you need to leave and truely be on your own. Buy your own clothing pay your own rent/bills then no one can tell you what to do other than you and God. Do we not live in our Fathers house? As Christians do we not obey His rules?

 

[FAITHFULGILLIAN]

Agreed but to an extent. If the rules of the house are to be in at a certain hour that's not inhibiting a persons ability to care for themselves it's just a rule. Clothes shopping like the OP said to me is strange unless its your parents money then they have every right to be there. If you want freedom to live like you want you need to leave and truely be on your own. Buy your own clothing pay your own rent/bills then no one can tell you what to do other than you and God. Do we not live in our Fathers house? As Christians do we not obey His rules?

Just to clarify- I have zero income ( though not least because my parents want me to be 100% focused on my studies).

 

[SeekingJC]

It's a means to an end Gillian I know it seems harsh now but once your done with Uni and on your own you'll want to go back and live with them. Trust me i know. They love you and want what's best for you. Don't rebel against that its the second most powerful love there is. Be Blessed Sister!

 

[FAITHFULGILLIAN]

It's a means to an end Gillian I know it seems harsh now but once your done with Uni and on your own you'll want to go back and live with them. Trust me i know. They love you and want what's best for you. Don't rebel against that its the second most powerful love there is. Be Blessed Sister!

i am not so convinced I will want to return home because I think they will always be ultra- protective.Although they are very strict, I certainly will not rebel. I would like things to be different but while they support me and I am not independent, then I believe they are entitled to my complete obedience.

 

[FAITHFULGILLIAN]

Partly, yeah. But even if we came in quietly and didn't bug them, they had to leave the door unlocked for us because they didn't want to give us a house key. Since we were only going to be there for a couple months, and we didn't have the money to pay for a copy of the key...yeah. It was a whole lot of no fun, heh.

They don't seem to have wanted you to outstay your welcome! I can understand though they wouldn't keep the door unlocked too late at night, so it wasn't meant to make a rule for you because they thought thy knew what was best for you.

 

[Outsider]

Agreed but to an extent. If the rules of the house are to be in at a certain hour that's not inhibiting a persons ability to care for themselves it's just a rule. Clothes shopping like the OP said to me is strange unless its your parents money then they have every right to be there. If you want freedom to live like you want you need to leave and truely be on your own. Buy your own clothing pay your own rent/bills then no one can tell you what to do other than you and God. Do we not live in our Fathers house? As Christians do we not obey His rules?

Just because you have the right to do something doesn't necessarily make it right.

 

[SeekingJC]

Just because you have the right to do something doesn't necessarily make it right.

Sure, I agree but if your asking to use someone elses money you have to take how they are prepared to give it or say no thank you. Maybe she wants to go clothes shopping with her daughter to spend some time with her. By her own admission shes a modest dresser. Or maybe she wants to make sure she's getting the best deal. We would have to speak with the mother to understand the motive wouldn't we?

God Bless You Brother....I know you don't believe but He loves you none-the-less...

 

[FAITHFULGILLIAN]

Sure, I agree but if your asking to use someone elses money you have to take how they are prepared to give it or say no thank you. Maybe she wants to go clothes shopping with her daughter to spend some time with her. By her own admission shes a modest dresser. Or maybe she wants to make sure she's getting the best deal. We would have to speak with the mother to understand the motive wouldn't we?

God Bless You Brother....I know you don't believe but He loves you none-the-less...

Well she does enjoy shopping, even for somebody else. And it's fair enough that she does actually make sure that the quality of the clothes represent value for money. She does also vet everything for modesty and she prefers me to wear dresses and skirts though she tolerates jeans when they are more practical.

 

[SeekingJC]

I don't think its as bad as it seems Enjoy the time you have with them it won't last forever.

 

[Ariel82]

1. If I'm paying for the clothes, I feel like I should have a say in what they are even if it is for an 18 year old.

2. what time is your curfew? My mom always wanted us home before dark, no matter what season it was. If the sun sets at 5 pm, then she expected us to be home by then.

3. when you finish your studies and get a job or go to college on some scholarships or grants, then you can make more decisions about cloth shopping alone and latter curfews. It should be in a couple years.

and in ten or more when you have your own kids, you'll miss the time your mom spent shopping with you.

My mom always used it as a bonding experience and a way for her to express her love. lol, she now takes my kids shopping for clothes because she enjoys dressing them (even though I do buy them enough clothes to last, she'll still get them about one outfit every three months)

 

[FAITHFULGILLIAN]

1. If I'm paying for the clothes, I feel like I should have a say in what they are even if it is for an 18 year old.

2. what time is your curfew? My mom always wanted us home before dark, no matter what season it was. If the sun sets at 5 pm, then she expected us to be home by then.

3. when you finish your studies and get a job or go to college on some scholarships or grants, then you can make more decisions about cloth shopping alone and latter curfews. It should be in a couple years.

and in ten or more when you have your own kids, you'll miss the time your mom spent shopping with you.

My mom always used it as a bonding experience and a way for her to express her love. lol, she now takes my kids shopping for clothes because she enjoys dressing them (even though I do buy them enough clothes to last, she'll still get them about one outfit every three months)

Curfew during the week is 9.00 and can be extended up to 10.30 or later for special occasions on either Friday or Saturday. That's earlier than any of my friends. Some don't even have a curfew.
Scholarships and grants are virtually impossible to get. For cost reasons I will almost for sure end up at the local Uni and that will take care of the next three years or so.

 

[Ariel82]

lol.... My curfew was 7 during school days and 9 on the weekends. If I was even allowed to go out at all. Most of the time I had to babysit my little brothers because my mom had to work overtime to put food on the table and clothes on our back.

i know it may seem overprotective to you, but I'd would thank God to have parents who love you enough to try and protect you as long as they can.

You may envy your friends freedoms, but I have friends who had those same freedoms who got into drugs, alcohol, and a lot of trouble who wished they had parents who paid more attention to them.

Not saying you would abuse your freedoms, just making the observation that being able to do what you want is a priviledge you should earn by being able to support yourself.

 

[FAITHFULGILLIAN]

lol.... My curfew was 7 during school days and 9 on the weekends. If I was even allowed to go out at all. Most of the time I had to babysit my little brothers because my mom had to work overtime to put food on the table and clothes on our back.

i know it may seem overprotective to you, but I'd would thank God to have parents who love you enough to try and protect you as long as they can.

You may envy your friends freedoms, but I have friends who had those same freedoms who got into drugs, alcohol, and a lot of trouble who wished they had parents who paid more attention to them.

Not saying you would abuse your freedoms, just making the observation that being able to do what you want is a priviledge you should earn by being able to support yourself.

i do appreciate that they are acting out of love and although I am griping here I do not mean to be disloyal or ungrateful. I also think they are much too strict and authoritaran but I just have to accept it.

 

[Outsider]

Sure, I agree but if your asking to use someone elses money you have to take how they are prepared to give it or say no thank you.

Oh, definitely. Even though I agree with OP that her parents are too strict, and I believe her parents should loosen up, OP must overall accept her parent's terms as long as she agrees to live with them.

OP decided she would stay at home and accept her parent's help (as well as their terms) instead of move out and try to pay for everything herself. And as it has been said many times before, she can only talk to her parents and hope they bend.

I just hope that if things do get bad, to the point where OP would rather try to make it on her own, she doesn't end up feeling trapped and unsure of how to get out of her parent's house. Obviously, I'm hoping things won't get that bad, but it's good to be prepared. It's also important for her to remain confident in such a scenario as well.

 

[Ariel82]

I don't think you should try and get your parents to bend their standards so that you can party more with your friends or buy clothes with their money that they wouldn't approve of.

If you want the freedom, then take the responsibility: get a job, help out more around the house, start taking on adult responsiblity.

yes you should focus on schooling, but on the weekends or during all that free time you are now using to spend time with your friends you could be babysitting or having a part time job.

True it won't be enough to pay for you to live on your own, but you could start saving and thinking about all the expenses you will have to pay for after you move out: food, rent, clothes, gas, car insurance, electric bill, water bill, schooling expenses, etc.

Your friends don't have curfews,

do they have jobs?

Do they have parents that pay attention and love them enough to checkup on them?

Do they pay any bills?

What do they do late at night? drugs? alcohol? parties?

 

[Lucy68]

You have a wonderful attitude toward your parents and God definitely honors that! They may be more protective than most parents but that has been a blessing to you in many ways....their motivation is love for you and a desire to be godly parents.

It's normal and healthy to desire more freedom and as they see that you are responsible they will probably give you more freedom. You may have to talk to them honestly and respectfully and point out the logic of them giving you more opportunities to make your own choices. This is practice in 'living' and doing so within your parents protection and support is the way God intends for independence from your parents to grow.

I used to think the same about focusing on school and not working....but I've changed my mind about that . There's a lot to learn in a new situation, especially about the value of money. A job can be an education all in itself; how to get along with others, how to function under authority (other than a parent), etc. Plus, this can give you a lot of self confidence. So if you can get a job working a few hours a week I think it would be good for you.

Praying for you and your parents...may the Spirit lead you into godly freedom while maintaining a good relationship with your parents.

 

[FAITHFULGILLIAN]

I don't think you should try and get your parents to bend their standards so that you can party more with your friends or buy clothes with their money that they wouldn't approve of.

If you want the freedom, then take the responsibility: get a job, help out more around the house, start taking on adult responsiblity.

yes you should focus on schooling, but on the weekends or during all that free time you are now using to spend time with your friends you could be babysitting or having a part time job.

True it won't be enough to pay for you to live on your own, but you could start saving and thinking about all the expenses you will have to pay for after you move out: food, rent, clothes, gas, car insurance, electric bill, water bill, schooling expenses, etc.

Your friends don't have curfews,

do they have jobs?

Do they have parents that pay attention and love them enough to checkup on them?

Do they pay any bills?

What do they do late at night? drugs? alcohol? parties?

Some might take alcohol but none would take drugs (so far as I know) and they would go to parties now and then, but mostly in friend's houses, nothing riotous or out of control. One or two have misused their freedoms, but I don't think it is particularly fair to generalise from their mistakes. I am someone who could be trusted but my parents aren't prepared to take any chances.

 

[hattiebod]

Some might take alcohol but none would take drugs (so far as I know) and they would go to parties now and then, but mostly in friend's houses, nothing riotous or out of control. One or two have misused their freedoms, but I don't think it is particularly fair to generalise from their mistakes. I am someone who could be trusted but my parents aren't prepared to take any chances.

I think it would be a great idea to sit down and calmly talk things through with your parents. Decide exactly what it is you want, you probably cannot have it all! so, decide what could be discussed and then try to reach an agreement, where you will all be comfortable. Start with small changes, prove to them you are responsible and go from there. As for a job...i am sure you could discuss this too, one day you will have to stand on your own feet and keeping you in a cocoon will not help you in the long run. Most young people do have to juggle work and study, it is a good thing! and it teaches independence, prioritising, focusing and a healthy work ethic. Net Nanny? really? i think at 18, if they have not instilled in you what they thought was important, its a bit late now...now you have to make your own choices and learn from your own mistakes. Not because some one is checking up on you, not because you are being watched, but because you want to, because you know how you want to live your life. Perhaps involve a mediator in this...another family member or close friend both parties trust? who could cast some oil on the troubled waters and sit with you as you reach some understanding for a way forward that you can all cope with? less you. <><