Andrias_Yochanan

I grew up in a quite secular ecumenical household in the most lutheran region of Germany. Because my mother was catholic we as children had to become catholic, too. Otherwise my parents couldn't have been married in the church.
Aftereffects of the 30-year-war and prejudice were still wide spread. There was a rift in the family (even though nobody from my fathers side cared about church) around my baptism.

My mother wanted to do "the right thing" and how she was raised - so I was in church pretty much every sunday from my childhood until 18. Very early on I liked it, because I was favored, my little sister couldn't go.
Later I rebelled heavily. The whole shabang, first communion, "scammed" into being an altar boy, never allowed to leave that duty, forced to become a reader and to be elected into the parish council at age 16. I somehow liked religion classes, always had an "A". Although I can say I was a believer, at least when I was a child, I mostly hated church, being forced to go, doing this public stuff, as I was very shy, too. And of course my father didn't go. That put a scepticism and suspicion in my heart very early on.
Other then that faith and believe wasn't a topic in our house, other then the bedtime prayer as children.

Of course the world and our todays education happened. So, after age 18 I wasn't in church any more.
My life went downhill after that, I might say now. Slowly but steadily. Not that it was a stellar performance before that, but it deteriorated.
I was a well behaved, kind nice young man, bright, tall, athletic. But with demons of depression and suicidal thoughts since early childhood.

Almost 30 years without a direction, like a nutshell on the ocean, without a rudder. Trying to fill this big void in my heart, in the shape of our Lord. Of course with the wrong fleshly, sinful ideas.
Women, or the LOVE of a woman, I hoped for, was my idol.
Didn't work, though...
I was divorced twice at age 38, one child with each. Lived with 6, knew quite a few more. Constantly trying to learn, WHY it didn't work. All kinds of stuff, psychology first, of course, but it went in other directions, too. Self-help, esoteric, meditation - but never fully in, always sceptical. One foot in, one foot out. I guess, I was protected. Never had any problem with alcohol or drugs, either. Although after age 40 I began to experiment with "expanding my mind"...

Found the love of my life after the divorces - happiest time of my life, little patchwork family, no depression or darkness for 3 years. Then it came, I couldn't understand it, then I got crushed through an unexpected breakup. She came from a christian family btw, not living it. But since then was praying for me, I heard ofter my new birth.

I had some talents in different fields, but never put emphasis on anything, like career or making money etc. That was all just accessories (music, writing, sports) or neccessary for making a living - what I hated, having to do it.

So, after another breakup and relocation, newly picked up search for meaning, truth and solutions - Jesus made himself notable. I watched a lot of testimonies, tried praying, got to know TWO great mentors online, that kept me sticking with it.
And here I am now.
Everything is better. Including my cirumstanced. It is a miracle.