Poetry

Prodigal
(Written 10/2/08)
By: Joseph Aguiluz

All I ever wanted to do is live for you.
You're all I ever wanted
And all I ever needed.....
So ...
How am I here, once again, in this place?
So far from the road that I used to walk with you...
Longing for those days when I used to talk with you...
& you would reply.
I can't remember the last time my sins made me cry,
It's been far to long since my tears have fallen...
And the fire that once burned in me...
seems to be nothing but wisps of smoke.
Afraid to pray because my failure is almost certain.
Father, I can't feel your presence any more...
& my soul is hurtin'!
Lord, I'm stuck in this place of isolation...
and the loneliness is driving me mad.
I was once a Warrior Of God...
& now feel like a worthless cad.
Father all my good intentions have been ill-taken...
& So many loved ones have turned away from me,
Leaving my heart breakin'.
I've tried to lift people up,
and they've just let me down.
So I'm jaded...submerged in bitterness,
hoping not to drown.
How do I endure this pain...
How do I overcome the fear of rejection...
Lord, please help me ... or at least point me
in the right direction.
I can't cope father...
everyday is better then the next.
With every moment that passes this
situation is growing increasingly vexed.
My walk is stagnant....and almost lifeless...
Memories are filled with Agony,
Cause I remember brighter days,
when I was nothing like this...

Lord...
Do you hear my soul's muffled cries?
Do you see the blood leaking form my eyes?

Lord....
Do you still Love me?

....I can't see how you could.

Am I still worth saving?

If so...
Can you save me...

I'm tired of the thoughts that invade,
and ransack my better sense...
I'm so tired of SIN Robbing me
of my innocence..
And forcing me to forfeit
my Righteousness.
I'm wearied by the weight
of these iniquitous chains...
My former self had withered away,
now I am all that remains.
So Lord have mercy on me...
Because somewhere along the line,
I lost sight of You...

But Father...

I wanna come back home!​

My Dismal Cry
By: Joseph Aguiluz

How much longer can I remain a prisoner
of this torturous pain?
Overwhelmed with so many emotions,
that the tears feel as
though they're ready to burst forth...
yet dry eyed I remain.
How many more times must I
endure the betrayal of those
closest to my heart?
I forgive over and over,
but when is it enough?
When does it become stupidity?
I'm stuck.... in the quick sand
of bitterness....
Pondering if i can ever forgive again.
Because I've tried to be
the best son & friend,
That I could have possibly been.
Yet for sum reason beyond
my comprehension,
My best just wasn't good enough.
So I was tossed aside,
abandoned, & forgotten...
Here I am... withered and rotten.
Searching for the love,
that was so scarcely given,
And frequently taken away.
Trying to become more than the feeble
soul that was left to slowly decay.
So many loved ones have left...
while I've remained... Here.
So emotionally crippled & confused,
that I stay drowning in
loneliness even though
it's my biggest fear.
I worried about losing my loved
ones so much,
that I made myself a prisoner of
my thoughts, my emotions,
& the heart wrenching pain.
As days grow shorter and
nights agonizingly longer...
Vigorously fighting to free
myself from the chains
that seem to get stronger.
Desperately searching for an end...
But I fear burning in hell...
so I press on.
I weep and scream violently...
but I'm choked and gagged
by the facade
to which I've adapted.
So addicted to the Drug of acceptance,
that I go through withdrawals when I rebel...
Yet I keep it all bottled up,
so not to let people
know that all is not well
God Forbid I share my feelings,
& be accused of
being "Over Dramatic"
or Playing the victim.
Once I saw hope...
but that's been snatched away.
My blue skies have turned a dull gray...
Anger slowly seeps through
my veins like lava,
Pride squeezes at my throat
like a bloody noose.
Jagged memories tear at my heart...
leaving it disfigured
and of no use.
Unanswered questions beat
at my mind, leaving me yearning
to know WHY!
Battered and broken,
trying to call for help,
Yet all that comes out is...
MY DISMAL CRY!
​

Give and Receive
By: Joseph D. Aguiluz


Once upon a time...
there was a boy.
Who longed to love,
and be loved in return.
Never did he want to be,
who he is today.
Never expected to endure,
the pains of yesterday.
or
Regrets that've been so deeply
embedded, that till this day they burn.
Forming tears so heavy with guilt,
they form ditches when they fall.
Mistakes are lessons learned,
so.....
When can I take a break from learning?
When, if ever, will the knowledge I possess
suffice?
When will I be liberated from the bitterness
that lurks in the shadows of my heart?
Struggling more with every passing day,
yet refusing to allow it to diminish my belief.
& faith in You.
Longing to be able to breathe a sigh of relief.
The pressures on my shoulders,
from the lack of accomplished goals...
Grow ever heavier by the minute.
Disgusted with how people judge my life
when they don't live it.
Wondering when will the door be opened,
and when will You point me in it's direction?
What is it that you called me for?
Is there a specific purpose?
I yearn to do that very thing.

Why do I feel this profound sorrow
in the middle of my chest.

What is missing?
What do I lack...
Shed sum light on my feet...
Because the uncertainty in this situation,
has left my path saturated in black.
I've been reduced, once again to that little boy...
Made to be completely dependent on you

for
direction...

for
strength...

for
courage...

for
guidance...

for
LOVE...
To give and receive.​