Christian Jokes

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Saved2DBone

Guest
#1
Ok so there was a p.k. a Preacher Kid who came to his father and said
Dad I just turned 16 and just got my driver license can you help me buy a car?
His dad look at him and said: Sure son I help you get a car but you have to do a couple of things first.
Sure Dad : The son said.
1st I want you to better in school.. The Dad said.
2nd I want you to get into your word more..
3rd I want you to cut that long hair..
Sure Dad : The son said..

(( A few weeks later ))

Look Dad I'm geting A's in all my classes.. He said..
Good son : the father replied..
And you know I've been in the word..
Yes son Iv'e seen that and I'm proud but you still havent cut that hair..

Well dad funny thing as I have been reading the bible I have found a few things ; He said..
And what is that : The father replied..

Well you know who had long hair in the bible Moses Dad...
And you know who was comanded by God never to cut his hair Dad Samson..
And Dad even Jesus Christ Had long hair so I don't think I need to cut my hair for you to get me a car..

Well Son you got me there: The father replied.. But you missed one thing: He said
Whats that ?? : The son replied..

THEY ALL HAD TO WALK WHERE EVER THEY HAD TO GO DIDN'T THEY !!!!!! :)
 
M

mguitar010

Guest
#2
I have heard that one before! its great! hahahaha
Good joke!
 
T

Tikvah

Guest
#3
Moshe vs the Pope

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people, to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, as he cleaned up around the settlement, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk.
The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."


An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything.
What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible!

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let
him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine."
 
S

Saved2DBone

Guest
#4
Good one I like it... LOL
 
C

christiancollegegirl

Guest
#5
That's funny!!
 
T

Tikvah

Guest
#6
A Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"


 
A

Anj

Guest
#7
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
 
S

StarGazer_ArkAngel

Guest
#8
so what, does the husband not want to live with his wife for a few more years... that's cruel... if he didn't luv her, why the heck'd he marry her?
 
T

Tikvah

Guest
#9
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give $100 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.

Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favor of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.

"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the $100 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer.

How come?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."
 
Apr 13, 2007
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#10
I must say I agree, it's not funny to joke about someone's death. I mean I've lost so many loved ones and friends and all, until I truely appreciate, honor, cherish, and respect everyone so much. In fact, from December of 2007 though the year of 2008 so like a year or so, my family and I all we did was attend funerals and viewings. One being my best friend that was like a sister to me and all, she was exactly 2 months older than me. Another being my aunt who was very special and all, and my grandmother(her mother), my niece who was 4 years old at the time, and myself found her. Death, funerals, and things of that nature just aren't funny to me anyways. No disrespect intended at all, and not to bring you down for the joke, but I guess...I've just learned a lot early in life nad all. However my personal feelings don't really effect your joke and stuff, just saying, please if you don't mind, be a little more considerate before posting jokes like that. Thanks, and God bless.
 
Feb 1, 2007
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#11
OK, hold on a minute here. This is a joke thread. Its not meant to be taken seriously. Its not real. Also, it is not possible to consider every possible thing that might be taken as offensive. If you dont like it, dont laugh, but dont criticise.
 
Apr 13, 2007
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#12
No one was critising anything really, and death isn't a joking matter. It was put in the most up most respectful way. No disrespect was intended, chill a little there. No need fo an attitude or anything. All is good here.
 
A

Anj

Guest
#13
so what things are OKAY to joke about???? FYI i found the joke that i posted on a christian joke site, perhaps i could put up the link. Oh for the record, my husdands uncle passed away on sunday.....i have a funeral to go to on the 14th. Why are people so uncomfortable about death, it happens to everyone. As chirstians death is the best thing that can happen to us other than being saved becuase we get to leave this place.
Jokes are not real......and really, i am more uncomfortable with flat out " christian jokes" becuase i don't think it's apropriate to joke about people from the bible or churches or whatever.
It really was not my intention to offend anyone with my joke post. Many people had no problem with it.
 
Apr 13, 2007
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#14
It isn't really offensive exactly, it's just kind of hard when so many people die and so close together. I guess I"m still greiving a lot of them, sorry if you're upset. I meant no disrespect or anything like I said. I apologize for being so sensitive, we all deal with death and life and all things differnetly, and I respect your feelings, and maybe I was overly sensitive and all. I was sleep deprived too, which didn't help, so sorry if I seemed to react and respond in a way that bothered you. I just struggle a lot with things like that, (death that is not really the jokes). I read it again, and it is kind of how do I say this...it helps you feel somewhat better I guess, cause it's like ah well enjoy life. God bless you.
 
Jan 9, 2009
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#15
No Matter where you go or what you say: there will ALWAYS be someone that is offended by something that was said. In this messed up world of "Policital Correctness" that is just the way it is. I remember an old saying from when I was growing up:

Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

Personally, I think more people should remember that saying and get over being offended by things that usually were not directed at them. But that's just my opinion.
 
Aug 27, 2005
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#16
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who had just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
ROFL WAFFLE HAHAHA LOL GIGGLE! HEHEHEHEHEH TEE HEE GAGGLE!

hahahaha :p
 
Jan 9, 2009
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#17
Here's one that hopefully won't offend anyone:

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


'House'
for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el
lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of
giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine
or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.
No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native
language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to
everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a
commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pa ycheck on accessories
for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however,
concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:


1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that
if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women
won.
 
Jan 9, 2009
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#19
I don't know if this one qualifies as a Christian joke, but i think it's kind of funny. So here goes:

Sign in restaurant: "All you can eat, $8.95"

"I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to leave now."

"Why?!"

"Because that's all you can eat for $8.95."
 
D

Derek

Guest
#20
I was driving down the highway the other day and saw a billboard that read.....
NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS.
(231)555-1234

Out of curiousity I got home and called it.
About an hour later a mexican showed up at my door with a lawnmower.