[QUOTE=slave;1960792]I am not dating at the moment, but then again I'm not divorced yet either. My story is written out in some other forums in these rooms, but a short version is I am 52 and have been married 29 yrs. have been a christian my whole life minus 13 years , which represents the last 13 years of my marriage.
In those 13 yrs my separation from God came from our marriage facing tests...we began to look at our needs more than the conclusions God made about those needs. We stopped tithing, we stopped going to church on a reg. basis, even the ministry I had in the church became a stumbling block to our own family time. I will say this was her test not mine, but my test was whether or not I would lead the family back to center in God's grace, or would I allow my wife's strong personality to rule the day? At that time Satan had me flustered, He even thru scripture at me to half-truth me into a bad decision. The scripture that talks about Husbands love your wife as Christ loves the church he used to say well let her win the day that way you won't cause a fight and your grace to her will be honoring your wife like Christ loves the church. I knew better, my spirit showed me it was a lie, yet I let her win that day.That day turned out to be thirteen years. Our once blessed life turned out to now have a crack in it.
And as we BOTH continued to disobey God that crack got even larger. She went on to "Self-improve", I went on to "Self-loath": I admit her reaction was prettier. She Ran religiously, ate only Paleo diets, she even had more faith in faith than I did, but she had replaced Christ as center with "Morality", And, although, Morality has it's charms it also has a different spirit. Our once unconditional Love now had a spirit of Judgement. I dug into work and loved my wife and kids the best I could but I found myself separating from my family. I couldn't get 1john 5:11-12 out of my head...And this is the testimony God has given us eternal life and this life is in His son; He who has the son has life. He who does not have the son of God does not have life....so their life plan was doomed to me , yet I was feeling powerless to chose Christ[ all-in] fashion, so ashamed, I sulked Then June of 2014 my wife asked for a divorce. I was crushed. I fell into depression as she became more antagonistic. Then oct. 1st of 2014 I found myself, after arguing, on the cold concrete floor in my Garage with nothing more than a free-weight piece as my pillow. God spoke to me and whispered, "Why are you holding on so tight to your despair?.....Let GO!...and grip me instead for I have plans to prosper you , not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. That snapped me like a twig. I let go..I was at rock bottom and I had no more arguments that made any sense to say no to God, I billowed out in tears and confession and thankfulness for hours until I stood up a NEW MAN!
And today I live my life in what I now call my second tour-of-duty alone but with a fervor for God I have never had even when I was "all in" earlier in my life. One writer in here called my experience the Jezebel experience that would be a good comparison. But I now am free to serve God wholly. That's all I have ever wanted my whole life since the age of eleven..For me to live is Christ and to die is gain for if God is for me who can be against me? God has opened my eyes again he has empowered my prayers again, I memorize scripture again and am involved in my local church.
He has given me a demeanor, and nature of power compared to the 13 yrs of sullenness. I love people; all people, to a point of suffering. I want to listen to people not show them what I have attained to. I am in complete joy, my thirst for righteousness is at a boiling stage and I am thankful in every way. And all this despite my darkest hour with my wife, which is the ugliest thing I have ever been apart of.. anyway I would love to talk. God holds my future but I am free to be the man God wants me to be. And strangely enough I delight in that. My mission now is to become the man a christian woman is praying for.....[/QUOTE]
In those 13 yrs my separation from God came from our marriage facing tests...we began to look at our needs more than the conclusions God made about those needs. We stopped tithing, we stopped going to church on a reg. basis, even the ministry I had in the church became a stumbling block to our own family time. I will say this was her test not mine, but my test was whether or not I would lead the family back to center in God's grace, or would I allow my wife's strong personality to rule the day? At that time Satan had me flustered, He even thru scripture at me to half-truth me into a bad decision. The scripture that talks about Husbands love your wife as Christ loves the church he used to say well let her win the day that way you won't cause a fight and your grace to her will be honoring your wife like Christ loves the church. I knew better, my spirit showed me it was a lie, yet I let her win that day.That day turned out to be thirteen years. Our once blessed life turned out to now have a crack in it.
And as we BOTH continued to disobey God that crack got even larger. She went on to "Self-improve", I went on to "Self-loath": I admit her reaction was prettier. She Ran religiously, ate only Paleo diets, she even had more faith in faith than I did, but she had replaced Christ as center with "Morality", And, although, Morality has it's charms it also has a different spirit. Our once unconditional Love now had a spirit of Judgement. I dug into work and loved my wife and kids the best I could but I found myself separating from my family. I couldn't get 1john 5:11-12 out of my head...And this is the testimony God has given us eternal life and this life is in His son; He who has the son has life. He who does not have the son of God does not have life....so their life plan was doomed to me , yet I was feeling powerless to chose Christ[ all-in] fashion, so ashamed, I sulked Then June of 2014 my wife asked for a divorce. I was crushed. I fell into depression as she became more antagonistic. Then oct. 1st of 2014 I found myself, after arguing, on the cold concrete floor in my Garage with nothing more than a free-weight piece as my pillow. God spoke to me and whispered, "Why are you holding on so tight to your despair?.....Let GO!...and grip me instead for I have plans to prosper you , not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. That snapped me like a twig. I let go..I was at rock bottom and I had no more arguments that made any sense to say no to God, I billowed out in tears and confession and thankfulness for hours until I stood up a NEW MAN!
And today I live my life in what I now call my second tour-of-duty alone but with a fervor for God I have never had even when I was "all in" earlier in my life. One writer in here called my experience the Jezebel experience that would be a good comparison. But I now am free to serve God wholly. That's all I have ever wanted my whole life since the age of eleven..For me to live is Christ and to die is gain for if God is for me who can be against me? God has opened my eyes again he has empowered my prayers again, I memorize scripture again and am involved in my local church.
He has given me a demeanor, and nature of power compared to the 13 yrs of sullenness. I love people; all people, to a point of suffering. I want to listen to people not show them what I have attained to. I am in complete joy, my thirst for righteousness is at a boiling stage and I am thankful in every way. And all this despite my darkest hour with my wife, which is the ugliest thing I have ever been apart of.. anyway I would love to talk. God holds my future but I am free to be the man God wants me to be. And strangely enough I delight in that. My mission now is to become the man a christian woman is praying for.....[/QUOTE]
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