I was not raised in the church at all, and in sin I loved the idea of no accountability in an indifferent universe. Of course I didn't think that way about it, or think at all really, always to busy being "entertained". I was blessed with a very radical, overnight, road to Damascus kind of rebirth trough the toughest struggle of my life, so far. I had long ago left behind the real craziness, as far as drug dealing, big money, clubs, doing what ever drug is available goes, and with the same girl from high school I really wanted to do the "right" things. My wife was saved shortly after our first son was born, and also when God started the softening of my heart. After a bit of time I even went up front and repeated "the prayer", was even dunked underwater for good measure, but did not know Him. I would like to add at this point that I do believe God was drawing me in at this point, I believe that He had a purpose for that misunderstanding inside me, but I do not believe I was saved at all. There was no change in me, not in what I did, how I thought, how I reacted, or my general interest in God's word to us.
Anyway time goes on and everything is going good, well subjectively anyway, in truth I was enslaved to a pain pill addiction, as was my wife, and honestly growing further from God in general. It got to the point I wanted to do something about the addiction, but knew "I" was powerless on my own. I ended up going to the methadone clinic for help, and honestly it worked. I got on schedule, I got on budget, and by worldly standards was doing well. I remember one day as I was leaving work I was thinking to myself "I'm 31, I just paid off all the credit cards, have money in the bank, am leaving my awesome job to hop on my motorcycle, with my long Viking braid hanging down my back, going home to the mother of my two children, who I've been with since high school, and is making my favorite dinner, and those 2 awesome sons. I got life whooped, look at all "I'VE" done." Man wasn't I impressed with myself? I woke up 19 days later in the hospital wondering what happen.
It turns out an SUV didn't see me and was trying to "shoot the gap", but misjudged. I don't remember the accident at all, but I must have seen it coming because I left about 30 feet of rubber trying to stop, but ended up hitting it so hard it flipped it, lol the SUV flipped, and I flopped. I broke both wrist, 3 ribs, punctured a lung, fractured my right scapula (the shoulder blade aka the hardest bone in the human body, that's right I go big or home), but the worst damage was nerve damage. When I pretty much shoulder blocked the SUV over, my head and shoulder were separated so far that it pulled my Brachial Plexus (the nerve that controls the upper and lower arm and the hand) out of the spine roots and all. So it left me with a flail arm, or an arm that has no function or feeling, or has no actual feeling, but I find the same principle of phantom pain comes into play because it feels like it is literally burning, while being crushed in a vice, in waves, and all the time. This was my right arm too by the way, and I was of course right handed.
This stared a downward spiral that completely crushed me, my arm couldn't be fixed, I wasn't going to get any kind of compensation or settlements, no outs at all, my arm hurt all the time, and even worse I didn't want to be on pain pills again at all, besides they didn't even work anyway the pain wasn't actual "pain" in the same sense. All these things consumed me to the point I just wanted to die, I wanted to kill myself so bad and it shot through my head every five minutes of every day for two solid years, I could not help it and I could not stop it, even worse I had an easy out, I had an arm I could not feel at all, and I knew I could slit my wrist without even having to feel the bite of the blade. I had a checklist I would go through, it went like this, "my wife can find someone to love and take care of her no problem, my job can replace me, my dad will get over it eventually, but I would get to my boys and I knew that no one could love them, or would be willing to go as far for them as I would, that and I just couldn't leave them with, my dad killed himself", so I was stuck.
On 9-29-13 this all came to a head. I was in my room at home alone, I was never alone, but was then. At this point if I had ever believed in God, I didn't now. I was at a place where nothing could help my situation. At this time modern medicine and science couldn't fit my problem, God couldn't, or ant least wasn't fixing my problem, my family, therapy, work, drugs,, none of it could help me. The worst part, and the hardest thing to face was that I had no power at all, in any way, to fix my own problem, I was powerless. When I hit my knees I did not call out to God or Jesus, in my mind I thought I already knew what all that was, I tried it and found it lacking, so I was not seeking that at this time. I hit my knees in crushed and utter defeat. I was crying out, but not Jesus name, I was crying out "I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore. World I tried, you win, I can't do this and I QUIT!!!!!!!," That was it, I picked my blubbering, broken, failure of a self up and went to bed.
I want to emphasize again that I to that point had suicidal thoughts at least once every five minutes for 2 solid years nonstop. Anyway I got up that morning and went to work as always, it wasn't until lunch that it hit me, and when it did it was like getting hit with a pallet of bricks, like an atomic bomb in my head I realized "I haven't thought about killing myself all day"!!!!! I was floored, and at that moment I KNEW two things, first was that whatever happened it was from God, and two was the Jesus was His Son. Of course this lead me strait to His word and for the first time I started reading the bible. I read and read for a bit, but He lead me and after a short time I was just like "I think I was born again", I was in shock. I had to drag my jaw around for a couple months completely awestruck "it's real". That day when I got home I was different, two quick examples before I wrap it up in thanks and praise to Jesus. I have love video games since I was a small child, and carried that all the way through to my adult life. I never let it get out of control or anything, but did spend a lot on it, and did sacrifice a lot of time to it, anyway I never looked at it at a problem or something I needed to work on, it was just my downtime hobby. Well that day I got home and turned on the 360 and all I could think of is "I wonder what my boys are doing, man there is probably something better I can feed my mind than GTA5, man I'm in my room playing games, my oldest is in his playing games, my youngest is in his room watching TV or playing games, and my wife is on the couch reading, there's got to be a better use of my time. I shut it off and 5 years later it's still off.
Second and last example is the same day with porn. Again I never struggled with these things, there was just nothing at all wrong with them in my mind. (video game I still don't see as "wrong", just not beneficial for me)
I pulled up some porn first chance I got, as per usual, and all I can think about is "I wonder what lead this woman to do this for a living? Then I wonder what she tells little Johnny in the future when him and tom are online and mommy pops up on the screen? Then the real clincher was I wonder what her father thinks about seeing his baby girl doing this?" that was it, God changed my heart, rewrote my priorities, open my eyes to see things in truth, and I could no longer get pleasure from so much potential pain.
I like to share these changes to testify that God changed me, I was reconciled to God through Jesus, and my spirit was made alive, I was indwelt by His Spirit and made whole as I was created to be, and praise our God for loving us first to make a way to redeem His creation and change the very hearts of men to seek righteousness. Amazing Grace.
1
