Confused in faith

Oh boy. I’m new at this so bare with me.

I met my husband 8 years ago. Call me a hopeless romantic, but we both knew we were in love with one another right when we met. He is also a Christian so we bonded over the verse Jer. 29:11. He was incredibly respectful of all my Christian values and family. He even went to church with me, did Studies with me, and prayed with me. My family though has never liked him. My husband comes from a very very painful childhood. His father was a deadbeat alcoholic. His mom became involved with a very abusive man. And his sister is incredibly selfish in her behaviors that his mom devoted her attention to his sister. He had also been physically, verbally and sexually assaulted. My husband essentially raised himself. I however am a pastors daughter. I grew up in a church for as long as I’ve known how to walk or talk. I’m different from my family in the sense that I’m a little more progressive. Rebellious as they would say but I embrace what makes me different. I knew God placed me in my husbands life to show him the love that God has shown me for my differences. My family however never understood why I fought so hard to help him through his storms. So much so that when my husband asked my dad for my hand in marriage, he said no because he was too broken for me. Aren’t we, sinners, all broken? I never understood why my family wanted nothing to do. We eloped after my family informed me they wouldn’t support any relationship I would have with him because he was, again, too broken. This broke my heart but everything about that day feels exactly how God intended it to be.

Cut to present day, we have really struggled this year. We welcomed our son last year together. My husband however also lost his dream job after having it for 9 months. After this, he himself started developing a drinking issue steaming from depression. He felt like a failure and was humiliated. As a man, he took pride in his job. To have it end was devastating. He began to struggle with how he could bounce back from this. I offered to get a job but when my family got wind of this, they told me it was a mans job and that’s just how God untended it. I don’t know where in the Bible it says that but okay? After being lectured by my family, he began to drink more and more. His anger from both losing his job and feeling as though my Christian family hated him was becoming too much. He then started to say hateful things at me. I feel I’m very intuned with my faith and my intelligence to know that this was not him. This was his insecurities he was turning onto me. The other night, it did get so bad from the drunken behavior that I called the police for mediation. My family caught wind and showed up. For everyone, we decided my son and I would take a breather and spend the night with my family. Immediately, a divorce attorney was shoved on me and it felt like (to them) I had no choice. I had to leave him. It was very cut and dry with them.

I don’t believe this though. I take my vows and marriage very seriously. My husband is sick. My husband is depressed. My husband is suffering from a dark cloud satan has placed over him. The next day, I made the choice to go home and wanted to get my husband some help. He agreed and asked for forgiveness for his behavior. With the help of myself, a counselor and his mother, he is actively seeking help for his depression and drinking. We’re taking everything one day at a time. This lead to my mom to calling me the “poor battered woman” and I’m nothing but another “victim”. They want nothing to do with him, and now it feels like me as well.

I guess where I’m trying to get at is I know my husband. I know what an incredible dad he is. I know he loves me and reminds me daily that he loves me and is thankful for my love. I know in my heart that I cannot give up on him in his time of need. Of course there are boundaries and walls up to guard my heart, but I’m also being tested in “for better or worse”. I just don’t know how to handle this with my family. For being Christians, I would hope they would help encourage me to be kind, forgiving and helpful. Not shame, disappointment and a feel of constant judging for not throwing in the towel. I don’t know how to move past this with them in my own relationship. I just feel lost and confused. Where is this faith I was raised in that taught me to forgive others as God has forgiven me? I sin every day. But I’m forgiven. Why is this fear of forgiveness even on my radar? Is there something wrong with me? Am I getting it wrong here? I don’t know what to believe anymore. Is my own faith a lie? Is my hope for kindness and grace a lie? I just feel lost in this ocean

When a woman leaves her family and joins herself to a man to become husband and wife she must take charge of her household and "woman up".. She needs to make it clear to her family that she is now managing her own household and her relationship with Her husband and her children.. Sometimes parents and siblings need to be told in a clear and uncompromising manner that while their concerns and advice are welcomed they cannot cross the line in making their concerns and advice, demands..

You Marriage and your new family is your concern... Your domain... You are the one who needs to take your business and do what you need to do to make it work out.. So set your boundary's and be decisive.. And may God give you strength and wisdom and perseverance to overcome what is before you..

Let your husband know that you are going to fight for this relationship.. And yes if needed go out and get a job.. Be strong of heart..

First of all, I am from the perspective of the broken man myself. My childhood and beliefs growing up were sketchy at best. I too had a deadbeat dad and dismissive mother. My in laws were not in favour of our relationship as my wife was several years older and I didn’t possess a high paying job. I’m sure a child out of wedlock wasn’t optimal for gaining their acceptance. I knew I probably wasn’t their first choice but they trusted that their daughter must have saw something good and over time by continually proving myself worthy, I became family by more than law.

Your husband’s actions validate your father’s previous concerns while adding to the list. As a man, increasingly moreso as a church official , your children reflect your ability as a leader. Not only has your defiant behaviour caused your affliction but has embarrassed him also. I don’t see why your faith should be questioned. The Bible tells us to listen to our parents and we will benefit from this. You listened to your heart, deceitful above all things, and basically forced your parents opposition against your family. Be that as it may, it doesn’t fix anything.

Addiction can only be beaten by finding something else that you want more than the feeling the substance provides. Hopefully for you, it is your husband’s love for his family. You are his wife and as a husband speaking, your wife can be an anchor or a sail. Either her words will strengthen the self hatred and depression or help unleash the lion from within. He doesn’t need you to get a job, emasculating him. He needs a cheerleader. Tell him how awesome he is and how much you support him. Many men are putting food on the table working at positions less than their abilities or satisfaction because if you don’t work you don’t eat. Get his ass up, pack him a lunch, help get his resume in order and tell him you will take care things at home while he goes out to secure their future. Make him feel like a respected winner, he will act like a respected winner!

I am terribly sorry you are going through this.For what it's worth, I think you are doing the right thing.

Firmness appears to be what is needed here. Your parents need to know that although you appreciate their love and concern, you are one with your husband. Your husband needs to know that you are one with him. Firm. Loving. Unequivocal.

Now since you have given yourself to him, he also needs to know that the Lord has called him to stop sulking, stop thinking about what is wrong in his life, how terrible he has had it in the past, (Many of us have had it bad) and look at the incredible blessings he has now, with a gratitude toward the Lord.

Let him know that although you won't permanently leave, there are consequences to his behavior and that EVERY time he starts drinking you and your child are going to a friends, a hotel, EVEN your parents, for longer and longer duration until his drinking stops. He also needs to work. ALL work is good and honorable. And just because he may no longer be at his dream job, he still must support his family.

There is a red line though that signals a departure. And that is if he becomes physically violent with you or your child in any way.

Dear Heavenly Father, please intervene in powerful, unmistakable ways in this marriage. Give Your daughter the renewed joy of Your Presence. Let her know that You are always with her, and are still in control. Strengthen her with this knowledge in a resolve to do Your Will. And Your Will Father is not divorce. Keep her safe and whole. Please use anything and everything to bring her husband to Your Grace and an understanding of his value in You because of Your Son. Turn his heart away from his past, away from his worries and fears, and toward Your Son. Open his eyes to the gifts, and blessings You have given him, foremost being his wife and child. Please soften the hearts and minds of the parents. Let them be used as a healing balm and not as salt in a wound.

I ask this in Your Son's sweet and Precious Name.

Before the relationship can heal your husband will need to get himself right with the Lord. It is not about you and your parents but your husband and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Everybody involved in this situation must pray and allow the Lord to minister in hearts. You cannot allow your love for your husband to prejudice your judgment over his responsibilities to the Lord. Your parents must humble themselves and pray for him as well.

Your husband needs love but he needs the right kind of love. The kind of love that will be corrective and not the kind that allows him to continue in his bad behavior. Point him back to Christ and encourage him to restore himself to Christ. He is not walking a Christian walk right now and that is what he needs.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

God bless you, Smackro. I am really sorry that you have to go through all this. You are obiously looking for guidance, and maybe a well known bible passage can help you. Jesus says: “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” (Matthew 19) Applied to your situation, this means:
1.) You and your husband are joined together. Seperation is not an option.
2.) “… leave father and mother“ Jesus was radical when he preached. If the options are EITHER please your parents who do not want you to stay with your husband OR stand by your man, then stand by your man.
Smackro, I am concerned about the reaction of your parents. They are crossing borders they should not cross. They are for sure not evil in their hearts. They are probably just full of sorrow about her daughter. Please do not judge them but pray for them. At the same time try and avoid asking them for help. Be a loving dauther and at the same time make it very clear that you will live with your husband and take care of him “in good times and in bad“.
I am sure that you will not lose your faith. You are doing the right things, such as asking for the help of a counseler. I want to encourage you that you also ask your parish priest to help.

I will pray for you, Smackro. Can I do anything else to help you? I would be happy to receive a reply from you. May the blessing of almighty God, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, come down on you and remain with you for ever.

Smackro, I am so sorry to read of your struggles, and challenges... I have great empathy for your pain and suffering; while at the same time you deserve recognition for your keen insight and appreciation of the bigger picture(s) that are at play here.
Nobody knows your husband better than you! He is blessed to have you and to have you in his corner during his time of need "sickness and health"...
Your husband's ability to cope with his stresses on multiple fronts is very significant to his struggle... A huge key to the perceverence for any marriage is for each partner to know the vulnerabilities of their partner and to have the keen insight and empathy to be there and serve as the Crutch for your partner during their time of need...
I will pray for you and for your husband... I pray that you find the strength thru our lords blessing to continue to be strong for both of you and continue to fight for your marriage and for what you know in your heart to be true...
If you have the means to work; while you help him thru his depressive state - that might just provide him the bit of reprieve that he needs to relieve some pressure from his shoulders to be able to begin to regain control of the man that you fell in love with and married.
Find strength thru your faith in our lord - and my God bless your family along your journey.

I am so sorry for your struggles. The circumstances surrounding your marriage and how it all came about are really of no relevance now. You've made your covenant with God and with your husband and the only choice you have is to honor that covenant. It sounds like you're aware of that. How are you honoring that covenant in your new relationship with your parents? Are you complaining to your family and your friends about your relationship? Are you running to mom and dad for help, or are you running to your heavenly Father? Are you expecting or asking for support from anyone other than God and your husband? What can you do to restore your husband's reputation with your family? You have to ask yourself what it is you can do to make your parents understand your decision to honor God and in so doing serve Him by serving your husband.

I highly recommend a book called The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. It truly is a study in how to serve God by being the best wife you can be, that it's more about your heart than anyone else's heart. Our ultimate goal is to look like Jesus and to be His bride. Lift up your parents in prayer. Make sure they understand and respect your decision. Their lack of respect and understanding has consequences and only you can implement those by examining yourself and what it is that you are doing to encourage this behavior from them. While expressing your decision is important for their understanding of your behavior, it is so much more important that your actions back up your words.

We have to remember to whom we are called to serve. When we aim to serve God, we cannot fail because He is faithful and just to carry us through the fires we face in the flesh. I don't know if your husband is a believer, it sounds like he could be. If so, you have to make him understand the same thing through your actions and through your words -- that you love him because you love God; you serve him because you serve God by being the best wife you can be to him; that no matter what, you're there to support him and his reputation. If he is not a believer, you have to demonstrate these things in your actions, not so much in your words. Remember that love is an action, something we do; it's not an emotion, something we just feel. Nothing has ever demonstrated that than the love Christ displayed on the cross when he asked for forgiveness even for those who nailed him to it. Remember, though, that forgiveness is not approval, so forgive your parents and pray that God will speak to their hearts.

I hope this helps.

Even though your family was totally negative about your marriage, it seems that you keep running back to them and allowing them to disrupt your marriage. How do they suddenly "get wind" of your problems, so that they can come along and dump on you and your husband? Who's the "mole"?

Do you want a genuine solution? Stop communicating with your family altogether. And if possible, encourage your husband to find a job in another town or city, and then move away from your toxic family and start afresh.

First from a parent's pov, if a man ever hurts, threatens or endangers one of my daughters, no matter what the reason, then that man will have a LOT to do before he EARNS my respect again. Those girls are part of me, and I will do whatever it takes to protect them. As a parent that's my job!

As a wife, I would have had no problem telling my parents/family members to not speak ill (gossip about) my husband. Badmouthing your husband is the same as badmouthing you, since you two are one. They are offending their own blood. This is your marriage, your husband, your choice. You can't expect your parents and family to just accept your choices after seeing you in turmoil with the police involved, but you can tell them to respect you enough to respect your choices whether they agree or not. If they don't listen to you, then you have bigger issues with your family.

My prayer is when your husband falls back into drinking, depression, is that this time you have the sense to get away and stay away. Domestic violence is no joke. You are trying to make excuses for an extremely disturbed person, when you should be walking away.

If my daughter ever had to put up with this, I would get her and the kids away. Do you know abusers kill their spouses? All the time! Your husband’s personality was set a long time ago. You cannot rescue or save him. But you can save yourself, and find peace.

God does not want you to stay, playing some kind of “good” wife, while you are emotionally and perhaps physically abused. Too many women stay for their “vows” or because people have guilted them out, instead of counting their losses and leaving.

I hope you will remember my words, next time he pulls this garbage, and walk away once and for all. He has no accountability, and wanting to change, does not mean changing!

PS I am not and never will be against marriage. I am totally against a drunken husband beating his wife!

He lays up sound wisdom for the righteous: He is a Shield to them that walk uprightly (Proverbs 2:7).

You are fighting a battle what you can not see (Satan), but the results you can see (defeat). You and your husband must humble yourselves by placing and maintaining your Faith exclusively in Christ and the Cross where the victory was won, i.e., "The Blood of Jesus," i.e., "The Finished Work, " (Romans 8:2, Gal. 2:20-21). By doing so you will immediately receive the help of the Holy Spirit to give you victory (2 Cor. 4:11). I am praying that your faith does not fail.

You need to grow some courage and tell your parents to back off and mind their own business.. You also need to get hubby into therapy and counseling for his drinking addiction..

If your husband wants to turn around after the drinking, maybe you could both go to your parents, repent and apologize for eloping instead of being 'given in marriage' as the Bible calls it. In the Bible, fathers gave their daughters in marriage. Maybe that could start some healing between your parents and your husband. Maybe you could redo a little wedding ceremony if they would go for it. Having them on your side, the side of your marriage I mean, could be helpful to both of you.

You could also talk to your father about how, as a pastor, he could help restore a sheep who has fallen, someone who needs compassion, etc.