church youth leader got pregnant over boyfriend, church issues ensues

so our long time church youth leader at her early twenties got pregnant over her boyfriend of 3 years which is also her co worker. we knew about it because our church elders along with her parents visited home and told us about her pregnancy and her wedding at the same time we did bible study. after the bible study at home they were talking about how it was a shame or a waste and how disappointed they were or in our for her a role model at church and someone who wanted to focus in serving God as well to have sex before marriage.

The thing was, they were planning to get married even before she got pregnant because I can kinda see it in them that they are truly in love with each other and I am kinda disappointed with her too but I didn't show it and only listened to them. What I can't stand though is that they criticized her that she is a role model in church and said she is setting off a bad example to the other youths at church and also to her co workers because she also did bible studies at work too.

Well I can say that the church elders and her parents too are kind of hypocrites themselves because I know some of them including her parents shared stories about how the women got pregnant or how their husbands who are also church leaders got their wives pregnant before they got married. And to some who didn't share about their stories about their lovelife I am pretty certain too that some of them weren't even celibate before they got married (or maybe I am just judgemental? hopefully not too judgemental).

I gave in my opinion about it and said that sex before marriage is a sin indeed but it is her choice and that she is getting married anyway so it is okay. And then they all kinda laughed and said it is a sin. Afterwards the topic shifted to me on when I'm getting a girlfriend and when I'm getting married... it's these moments why I hate attending bible study specially with the elders and my parents around.

Even my own youth churchmates during our bonding time or after church activity they also (kind of?) criticized her but not the same way the elders did. And even I can say from the way they talk kind of changed after having a relationship, from how touchy and sweet they are (specially in pictures) when they are with their boyfriends or girlfriends, I can kind of tell that they can kind of did exactly.

I could be wrong though because I myself is like that to my ex girlfriend before and even we didn't have sex because for one, I am afraid of it, and second just not that ready yet. But we do kiss and hug occasionally but never had sex.

So I have multiple concerns and questions that I just can't get off of my head and put it in a sentence but I'll give it a go:
-is sex before marriage kind of "rampant" in the newer christian generation today? And what can you say about these issues so far?
-Did I say something wrong during the after bible study talk with the church elders and how I saw them kind of hypocritical?
-lastly am I being judgemental over the whole thing too as well especially how I think about my churchmates and theri relationships?

I'd like to get some answers to kind of clear my head with this too because I've seen a lot of my christian friends churchmate or not having their own children even before they got married... or that they got into the wrong partners and they break up, and then become single parents it's been a long running question I've got in my head and have answers about it finally.

Id tell em to study what marriage is biblically and mind their own business.
Study and dont trust tradition. Go into the bible and original scripture. People twisted it to their likeing

"Pregnant OVER her boyfriend"??

That's just a tough situation but definitely a good springboard to talk about how Christians and churches should deal with sin among their members and especially their leaders, because hypocritical or not we seem to have a much easier time coping with past sin and / or sins committed before salvation than we do with having to deal with current sins in the lives of believers we look up to.

The Christian community at large has generally done a poor job on teaching about sex, and when I was a teen, pre-marital sex was treated like the second unforgivable sin. And it isn't that. I also found that teen teachings often dealt with this idea of pre-marital sex when my opinion is they should have labeled it extra-marital sex and made it clear that they had the same expectations of the adults as they did of us. Regardless of what is taught, in America at least sexual sin is still pretty common in the church; being Christian doesn't make you immune to such temptations and some people give in to temptation.

Is it hypocritical for the church elders to call her sin, sin even if they may have committed similar sins themselves in the past? No that's not hypocrisy. Unfortunately, the pattern in churches has been to pretty much either drive away a sinning Christian by condemning their sin too strongly and not leaving room for forgiveness, grace, and restoration; or cover it up and pretend it didn't happen ( which would probably have looked like a rushed wedding and then people who can do math would realize she was having a baby 5 or 6 months after getting married and must have been pregnant at the wedding, but no one would say anything about it). You haven't told us in this situation whether she is repentant and feeling terrible about what she has done or if she is trying to justify her actions and claiming it isn't wrong. That could also make a difference in how the elders handle it. There is both Biblical justification for public rebuke (of elders and leaders) and private rebuke in this case, but I think the elders crossed the line in expressing their feelings that it was a shame and waste and how disappointed they are in her. Those were sentiments better not expressed in front of the people she has been leading and imply that because she did this one thing wrong now she can never do right and God can never use her again. That is not true and is an attitude that will discourage many from continuing service to God.

As for your friends and how they conduct their relationships, it's God's job to convict them of their sin, not your job. In your shoes I would know my Bible and what is says about sex well enough to be able to defend my position and state it clearly, but it's not your job to snoop around and find out who is doing what so you can tell them how wrong they are. God makes his commands and position clear to us and then gives us the choice to be wise and obedient or foolish and disobedient. We should take our queue from God and remind each other of what is right and godly, but leave the judgement and punishment (which is different from letting people suffer the consequences of their own stupidity) to God.

One last thing to say: Getting married to someone you're having sex with, doesn't make the premarital sex ok anymore than finally being able to put back money you embezzled from your workplace makes embezzling the money ok. The second action may correct the situation but it doesn't make the first action right. Along with that, just because someone may make the mistake of having sex with someone they aren't married to doesn't mean they should or need to make the mistake of marrying an unsuitable partner to try to "make it right". The mistake can't be undone, don't rush to make another one on top of it.

You talk about how bad others are, yet accuse them of doing things you admit you don't even know is true. You just assume it's true. That's pretty judgmental.

And you believe sexual sin is acceptable as long as they plan to get married? Show me that in the bible.
Either a sin is a sin, or it's not. Either they are married or they aren't.

You should look up the word hypocrite so you can get a correct understanding of it. If two people made a mistake 20 years ago then has a child that makes that mistake they are not hypocrites for speaking against it.
If these same two people were not married and having sex, then criticized others for the same thing Then they would be hypocrites.
You also never state whether these parents were Christian's or not when they were having sex before marriage.

The church is correct in being somewhat critical of this woman. By her actions other young people could perceive that sex before marriage is acceptable.
Also as a leader in church she is required to be held to a higher moral standard than those who are not leaders.

I see you making a lot of assumptions, judgments and lacking wisdom of the bible and then criticizing those that actually Have that wisdom.
This link has a number of scriptures referencing the bible and sex. It may do you good to go over this before presuming to know things you clearly have not taken the time to actually read previously.

I would wager your response to be worse than the ones you criticize.

https://www.christianbiblereference.org/faq_premaritalsex.htm

I gave in my opinion about it and said that SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE IS A SIN INDEED but it is her choice and that she is getting married anyway so it is okay. And then they all kinda laughed and said it is a sin.

What they don't understand is that I did say it is a sin and because I said "it is okay", made them think I am saying that "having sex before marriage but planning to marry soon" is okay. which I did not specify when I wrote my thread.

What I meant about the "it is okay" part was, it's better that they got married, than breaking up, girl ends up as a single mom then find other partners. I'm not saying that it will make their sexual sin right, but their plan for marriage and engagement is and their plan for marriage still won't cover up their sexual sin because whether they like it or not, they have sinned.

disciplinary action after all of this is still a must, she is relieved from her duties as a church leader temporarily, she can still attend church but can't participate in praise and worship bands... again temporarily.

What I don't like is like how cinder would quote it:

if this is how others are treated like what our youth church leader has done, not only will this discourage many from continuing to service God, it will also turn off other people who have yet to meet God and possibly turn off people to go to churches.

instead of building each other up during periods when people are down ang or made a mistake or has commited a sin they are instead being pulled down and pushed away. This kind of toxic culture is also turning people away because they can't share honestly or ask for help because they will be criticized and pulled down.

The problem is they never tackle the sole problem. They always say do not have sex like sex is a bad thing but sex is part of life and they need to teach the people not to be careless about it if they are planning to do so they should consult openly with them. Counselors and elders such as theirselves should be OPEN MINDED and not quick to scold or judge the person.

and speaking of judging a person quoting my own thread:
and
I realized only looking at what I wrote the second time it looked so wrong... thank you guys for pointing this out. Maybe this came up into my mind because of how annoyed or irritated I was how super judgemental some people can be to the point that I myself did the exact same thing they are doing. I do believe that we are judgemental at some level just through thinking or openly takling about it but this has become overboard as well.

Personally I think those in leadership in a church and in high profile
positions, do need to set an example and be beyond reproach. They have
a responsibility towards themselves, God and the church.

It is situations like this that get churches a bad name.

That being said, churches should vet very carefully the people they put in
such roles. In my church they do practice church discipline and you cannot
even be considered for a leadership role until you become an official
church member and are willing to put yourself under the leadership of the
church. You also need to prove yourself and are not given a leadership role
without careful prayer and preparation, and opportunity for the church to see
your character and commitment etc.

Not every church does this and I’ve seen it cause problems in other churches.


That being said the couple are doing the right thing by saying they will get married.
In my church they would be asked to stand down for a time until they were
married and the pregnancy was over and until sufficient time has passed for them
to decide what they wanted to do from here. Establish their dedication to God and
the church again etc.

It might well be that they will have their hands full anyway with wedding and
baby preparations and adjusting to the changes in life and so won’t have time
to take such an active part in church for a while.

People have to realise that they are under a different type of accountability in
a leadership role, they have bigger responsibilities and if they cannot cope with that,
they should stand down from their church positions.

Even the New Testament had standards set for those in leadership.

Sex prior to marriage does go against Gods will. What is it called when we knowing disregard Gods will ? Sin. Does marriage vanquish sin ? No, prayer and asking forgiveness does. Along with the desire to not repeat the sinful act. Should we hold those in authority roles to high standards ? Absolutely ! Is she a bad person ? Not at all. She merely made a bad choice. I'm so thankful we serve a loving and forgiving God. I agree with above poster that she should step down from her position.

This came to mind when seeing the topic. We all fall short of His glory, yes that includes pastors and leadership. They need a hug and to be shown Gods love and grace and mercy. There is hope for restoration and that is all Jesus who paid the price on the cross.