Worry over being a burden

I get nervous sometimes about talking with friends, I think to myself I'm too busy with homework, but part of me thinks that's just an excuse because I'm too shy. I worry alot people will leave me, or I'll slow them down because they have better friends to go to. I spend alot of time with God talking and trying to problem solve to find ways to get closer to him. Sometimes, I forget other people exist, and when people interact with me, either I don't say much, or I just spend all the time joking and don't take things seriously. My old friends make crude jokes, so I'm hoping if I spend less time with them, I'll spend less time making sinful jokes that can take me away from God. My other friends that are more relatable, i just can't help but feel I don't deserve them, and I just freeze up and don't say much. I guess the more personal talking is than it is a distraction just joking, the more I feel like I'll say something, and my friends will leave me and liked me better when I just joked.

I can relate to a lot of this mindset. But here's the problem we face when we think such things. What we are doing when our minds go there is presume we are able to think for the other person. Unless you are a mind reader then nothing you're saying is fact. It's fear. The thinking is 'if i reject them first, then they can't reject me'.
But you miss a few things when saying this.
a) you're being hurtful to your friends, and making You the type of person that hurts people and could cause others to be leery or fearful of meeting new friends
b) perhaps your friends will like you More if you showed more of who you really are. but how will you ever know for sure if you don't try?
Spending your life telling yourself what other people are thinking (or what you believe they are thinking) does way more damage to yourself than the occasional, inevitable rejection Everyone faces from time to time.

So in a nutshell by choosing to be this way you are hurting yourself, and possibly others. You're not protecting yourself at all.

A quote by C S Lewis that i think applies...

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

I just have no idea what to say i guess. My mind just feels so messed up and broken. I don't want to keep acting like I'm pitiable and be a downer around friends. One of my old friends has abandoned me and come back to me so many times I just feel like it's all some terrible horrendous game where my emotions get ripped in pieces again and again. It's really painful for me too keep thinking about this, and it keeps invoking self harming thoughts and even if I ignore it's just so hard to think clearly. I guess I feel mad at the world sometimes because when I was suicidal everyone kept saying stay but they all left, and I was all confused and upset I was not born normally and not stable like everyone else. I've felt so insane for so long. Mostly what I've done is go on a trip to get closer to God and be as stable as I can be, and besides God, I cant help but feel like no one else is helping and they're a bigger harm than help. I like talking to other christians about this sometimes online, but in real life I cant help but keep thinking no one will love me.

It's because even if people love me and care, it'll be like talking to a tree, with how much of a stupid and broken brain i have, you could never expect me to be close to anyone's better friends. Eyes staring off to the distance, pieces of mind broken and scattered far away. I live to do tasks and think of my relationship with God. I try and try to be more stable, I'm happy God loves me the way I am, but no one will want to stay around me with how grey and lifeless I am.

I notice your response was more of what you always do. Decide for others what they will do and think. Until you let people decide for themselves you'll do nothing more than self perpetuate the problems. You can't expect anything to change, if you keep doing the same things.
You and i are interacting now and you seem like a normal, intelligent person to me. Just one that has problems with how they see themselves. For me it's like looking into a mirror. I have issues that affect how i interact with others, and it makes things harder for me at times. Just today i had an issue with that on this very site.

If you have a friend that keeps disappearing, then reappearing that person has the problem, not you. It may seem like an overused cliche, but it's nonetheless true. Their inability to stick around is a reflection of their own issues and has no bearing whatsoever on who you are. You are taking that persons faults and making and rather than seeing it as their problem, you make it your problem. And this is a very clear example of how your perception and interpretation of others in regards to you is flawed. When you realize that not everyone else is 'normal' and that you are not the only one that has problems you'll find it easier to relate to people. Don't take responsibility for another persons problems.
Also you are not required to take this person back over and over. Anytime someone continues to hurt you time after time, stop leaving Yourself open to being hurt and ditch them. As the old phrase goes 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me'. This person is only hurting you because you are Letting them. Their behavior is their problem to own, their behavior hurting you is your problem to own and deal with.
When people do such things to me i've learned to put them at arms length and stop investing in them. I'll be nice, but i won't be connected like i was. Its a choice You have to make. You can't walk out in front of a moving car and blame the driver.

"I was not born normally and not stable like everyone else"
Ha! You think everyone else is normal? Wrong. What i've learned about people is that everyone is messed up, some are just more messed up than others. And some are Really good at hiding it. There was a user on here i used to admire a lot. They seemed like they had their act together, mentally and emotionally stable, friendly, likable, personable, helpful. Until i got to know them better and found out they actually had a lot of struggles and personal issues, but they became so good at hiding them that no one had a clue. It was all an act.

The big difficulty here is that i know nothing i say will 'change' anything. Much like how i am, i may hear something and think it's great or helpful to me, and it may be for a little while, but eventually it stops. I'm not sure the root of your problems. Perhaps you were raised being told such things. Perhaps, like me, your brain is miswired. Getting some professional help to find the root source of why you feel this way, and learning to deal with it in a healthier manner, is what you need to have effective, long term change. These kinds of things can't be willed away or chased off with positive thinking.

Be easy on yourself. You're clearly a smart, introspective person. And you communicate well. So you Do have some good traits (and those are pretty important traits to have, as well) so think more on those.

Thank you for talking to me about this! I can be very negative and hard on myself, and it feels better when someone helps and my mind sees more truthful things than self hateful things.