Am I too sensitive?

Hello..My hubby and I have been married for 3 years... it hasn't been all sunshine. Our first year of marriage, during sex he got mad at me and said "your not sexy" I felt so bad, so ugly and hurt. He knew I was hurt so he changed his tune and I was like " your loosing it, I never said that...then changed his tune again and was like "I didnt mean it that way" long story short it ended in him making me feel like I misunderstood him and was being stupid and over sensitive. It took me a while to feel pretty and attractive to him again. but even to this day sometimes still struggle with feeling not good enough for him... anyways... to this day he still says things like "I couldn't pass up a women in a skimpy bikini" or I'd never say no booty short shorts" and the thing is is he doesn't want me wearing these things. He prefers me in dresses or longer shorts. So... yeah, makes me feels like he looks at women and lust after them wearing those things but yet, He doesn't want me wearing those. It hurts me.. and when I talk to him about it he says Im being too sensitive. Am I? I don't want to nag him, I know he is man, I know he can find other women attractive and not act on it. But, It just makes me feel ugly, feel like I cant trust him. and it bugs me how he rolls his eyes when I say something about it and hes like "I was joking" Or "your reading into it wrong, I never said that" I need to toughen up right?! I'm trying all I can to be sexy, be extra dolled up for him. I just feel like with some of his comments that I'm still not enough.

Since you already have this same thread in the Ladies forum, there's no need to put it in multiple forums. I left a response on your other thread..

I responded in the other thread

my question is wondering if he has a porn problem

his expectations sound more like he would like a pay per view experience

You are not being too sensitive. Take the comments as an opportunity to put the whole family on an exercise plan and diet. Eliminate all meat from his diet. Serve only fruits and vegetables. Since, he thinks you gained weight, odds are he is overweight too.

Abstract: Traditional factors that once explained men’s sexual difficulties appear insufficient to account for the sharp rise in erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, decreased sexual satisfaction, and diminished libido during partnered sex in men under 40. This review (1) considers data from multiple domains, e.g., clinical, biological (addiction/urology), psychological (sexual conditioning), sociological; and (2) presents a series of clinical reports, all with the aim of proposing a possible direction for future research of this phenomenon. Alterations to the brain's motivational system are explored as a possible etiology underlying pornography-related sexual dysfunctions. This review also considers evidence that Internet pornography’s unique properties (limitless novelty, potential for easy escalation to more extreme material, video format, etc.) may be potent enough to condition sexual arousal to aspects of Internet pornography use that do not readily transition to real-life partners, such that sex with desired partners may not register as meeting expectations and arousal declines. Clinical reports suggest that terminating Internet pornography use is sometimes sufficient to reverse negative effects, underscoring the need for extensive investigation using methodologies that have subjects remove the variable of Internet pornography use. In the interim, a simple diagnostic protocol for assessing patients with porn-induced sexual dysfunction is put forth. https://www.mdpi.com/2076-328X/6/3/17/htm

Putting you down is actually a means of psychological control. If you see yourself as "ugly" you won't have the confidence in yourself to look elsewhere when/if you see his flaws.

It stems from low self esteem on the mans part, not from you being unattractive. The more severe the man's self esteem issues, the more he will try and "keep" you by making you think no other man will have you, and forcing you to dress in a manner that he thinks is unattractive to other men.

It's really a self fulfilling prophecy in that eventually the psychological abuse will cause the woman to leave, so it's very self destructive behavior on his part but it does seem to be what men who live with low self esteem do.

In short, no your not too sensitive. He's doing it intentionally although it may be without really thinking it out. It's more of a subconscious reaction to his feeling like he's not good enough for you.

How come I can't see the ladies forum? lol... I'm a lady..

PM Robo and tell him you can't see the ladies forum..

at this moment I am wondering why a man who states he is married, is following 4 people in these forums

four good looking young women

no men or anyone who has not divulged their actual appearance

just 4 quite nice looking young women

That's understandable.. While he appreciates short shorts, he doesn't want other men appreciating his wife in skimpy cloths.
As far as the "your not sexy" comment, I'm guessing it was more about performance than appearance.
Your probably over analyzing his snide remarks, no need to be sensitive, men often make shallow comments and don't express themselves too well. So don't waste time misreading that his intent is to denigrate you. Its not your job or even possible to be sexy all the time either.

This would be a good common sense comment, except he actually *got mad* at her in the midst of their intimate time because he had different expectations in whichever way. That screams self centeredness. That's abusive.
Also, it seems that it's not even about him liking a certain style of clothes on his wife, but talking some third person into it? Either way is toxic. Imagine if she insisted that he wear tight shirts, go bodybuilding and what not because "she couldn't pass a guy with hot biceps". This is wrong. At best, you yourself admit he is shallow. We hold Christan men to a higher standard. Just "men be men" does not swim. (If he is Christian, though)

He is your husband regardless...consider doing some marriage counseling. It could be that he needs a stout rebuke from another male. Or it could be that certain creativity can be managed in a way worthy of the Lord.

Coming from an unmarried male. I think there are a lot of things that are permissible but if certain stimuli is present (such as porn) this is a serious problem.

This is behaviour typical of a narcissist. You need to google it and find out about this.

Someone said already his actions come out of low self esteem, and that is right. He needs to make himself look better by putting you down. This is verbal and sexual abuse. It may escalate to financial, or physical abuse. If he hits you, you need to call the police, get out of the house, and end the marriage. It will get worse.

Unfortunately, it is rare for a narcissist to change, even if they will acknowledge their behaviour and seek help. Jesus could change them, but most only play at Christianity, to make themselves look good. So, pray for him, because that is your only hope.

You also need to get counselling, to learn why you picked a narcissist. I have been working with a codependent woman (not a Christian!) who ended her 44 year marriage because her husband was a terrible abusive drunk. She then went straight to a worse narcissist, who tortured her about her appearance, drank heavily and treated her terribly. I'm trying to keep her away from the second narcissist. She is codependent, which you may be too.

This is a serious situation. He is not going to change. There is this insidious hope that by loving him, forgiving him he will suddenly become the man you first met. The kind, fun, witty character! You've only been with him 3 years, the time to get out, is now! Sorry for such bad news.

Here are some articles to read. See how many things are happening in your marriage. You won't have all of them, but from what you described above, he seems to fit the description of a narcissistic abuse!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse?amp

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_abuse

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-...-youve-been-abused-by-a-malignant-narcissist/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-woman/2015/05/the-narcissistic-cycle-of-abuse/

This is not your fault. He is the narcissist! He is the abuser. Nothing you say or do could change him. Do not put up with pastors/Christians who tell you you are obligated to go back to him. No one is obligated to be abused!

PS I am a pastor and I have taken many courses in marriage, including on abuse. I only recommend divorce if someone is being abused. Marriage is not more sacred then leaving an abusive man to protect your mind, soul Anne body!

Yep would agree with Angela thats narcissist behaviour right there. Expects you to be like a whore and then tells you how to dress.

Whos the ones buying the clothes...him or you?

As I said in the other thread...

Your answer should have been " yeah, I feel ya, I wouldn't pass up 6 pack abs and a nice set of "guns" " Some men don't get subtle. You gotta draw them a picture.

He sounds like an immature jerk.
Time for Christian marriage counseling, with a real Christian pastor/counselor.
He probably don't have any Christian friend mentors. It's time for him to have some.

While it seems like he is insensitive...It may have not been exactly what you thought. Some guys where I'm from have a saying about it. I don't think I should post it all here, but the gist is... they want a lady in the streets and something else at home.

He may be fine with your looks and hopefully he is not talking about other women...maybe he wants you to wear things like that when you are home with him alone.

If he is talking about wanting to look at other women though, then he is a total jerk.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to him honestly about it and see if it is a misunderstanding or not.

People often say you're too sensitive to cover up and justify immoral behavior. If someone tells you you're too sensitive, they're probably just "too desensitized". The Bible calls it " a hardened heart". The more desensitized/harder someone gets the more they try to justify it. They are comfortable with it and don't want to change.

It sounds like he wants to live 2 different lives. You, being his innocent wife and he, having his fun else where.