Help and Prayer

Hi,

I’ll try to make it as quick as possible. Been with girlfriend for 13-14 years. Has epilepsy so couldn’t get married or she would lose her insurance. When we first met the day before we both prayed to find the person we’re supposed to be with then we met each other.

Also other super natural signs happened like god telling us “I love you” when mentioning Jesus’ name.

The problem is she had / has severe past issues where it caused her to be a highly manipulative, abusive, controlling, and down right selfish.

Never trusts me, always suspicious.
Basically very limited amounts of love in her. She’s virtually cheated online 3-4x before, even most recently.

If she went outside the house I’m pretty sure it would of been in person, as that’s what all the studies say suggest. Has double standards she knows right from wrong, those apply to you but not her.

She claims she’s a “Christian” and she reads here and there talks about the end times and the Bible in general, but there is no fruit in her life and she doesn’t do the fathers will. Nobody is perfect obviously but she’s not even close. Doesn’t go to church always makes excuses stays up late.

Like a year in we made a vow between us two and god to be married to each other and be with each other always.

I’m just at loss why god would basically show me all these amazing signs and answer to prayer if he knew how this relationship would turn out?

I know some people suffered for a very long time in the Bible like around 13 years, but I don’t know if I can go on any longer.

She doesn’t love me, the true definition of biblical love just words. Doesn’t cook, clean, look nice for me, wake up on time, work, go to school.

She most likely has borderline personality disorder. She is 100% not a partner but literally a burden, she’s incapable of doing anything for herself, well she is, she just chooses to have others do things for her. It’s like being in a relationship with your own selfish child. Completely irresponsible.

While I have to work, buy food, go out for her all the time and get her stuff while she contributes absolutely nothing to the relationship besides sorrow and emotional pain.

I know we’re supposed to suffer for Christ, and I would suffer for him while my life if it was his will. But even the people in the Bible who did majority had visions signs of great things to come I have nothing.

I literally feel like Job, even Jobs suffering eventually passed. I guess Jobs wife was pretty awful person too and he was married to her. Or when god told the old testament guy to keep taking Gomer his prostitute cheating wife back over and over.

I have so much resentment and pain, every time I even see a girl with makeup looking like a girl is supposed to it brings me sorrow knowing she robbed me youthful appearances, when in Proverbs it mentions to enjoy the wife of your youth.

Don’t get me wrong if it wasn’t for these things she would be a perfect match personality wise. It’s just I get so tired carrying her on my back with nothing in return besides companionship.

Am I supposed to stay in this sort of one sided loveless relationship for gods glory through suffering or call it quits?

Please pray and see if god speaks a word, I’m so tired.

Thank You

I'd have to say you're very confused. "She may have Borderline PERSONALITY Disorder".
Also "she is a personality match".
Do you not see the contradiction there?
Nothing you said suggests anything even close to BPD, by the way.

I've had multiple times I thought God sent someone to me. And I was wrong every time. Eventually I realized how obvious it was it wasn't God, but I just convinced myself it was because that's what I wanted to think.

She has wasted nothing. You have, by lacking wisdom and discernment to see what a bad idea this relationship is.

I don't see wearing makeup as how a woman is "supposed to look". Nor is dressing up for you, if they don't go anywhere to dress up for. So some of your ideas and expectations seem a bit off as well.

Long story short, You have made the mistake of wasting your life with this woman. Don't blame her for your mistakes. Just wake up and get out of it.

Trust me because I left it out she has all the symptoms of BPD. She was recently locked up for a week. Personality match when she’s not negative.

It’s not a waste of life as god made me a much better person and taught me much.

Plus I’m a man I have options for the picking as her value to a male goes down tremendously, if anything she wasted her own life.

32 is over the hill for most women who will be single or divorced.

Expound upon god send someone to me I don’t mean circumstantial situations that are up for debate I mean something truly unexplainable.

Trust me I discerned from the beginning she wasn’t right, but because of those signs I stuck it out assuming god would work within people.

If those things never happened i would of left day one.

"You have options for the picking." Well dude, since she's cheated on you a buncha times, so does she. Trust me, this farce of a relationship is a train wreck in progress. And you're both gonna go down..

How is she a personality match? She cheats, doesn't trust you, obviously has issues and has even been locked up!! Wake up and smell the coffee. The ONLY way that the two of you would be a match is if YOU also cheated, had trust issues, and have been locked up. I agree with Subhuman, you've definitely wasted your life on this girl.

Also, what god are you speaking of? Because the God of the bible, His name should ALWAYS be capitalized. When you use lowercase, you're referring to a false god.

Yes god cares about capitalization lol. Maybe I should do it jew style G_d. Or maybe I should use one of his dozen+ names? Or any other legalism?

Personality match as enjoying each others personality such as sense of humor enjoying similar things again when she’s positive and not negative.

No offense but these replies seem a little basic theological wise, and more worldly. God had people marry prostitutes and whores, so did those guys who actually did gods will waste their lives?

The easy thing to do is leave and go enjoy my life and shut people down at first sign of distress. Which is fine if that’s gods will, but gods will might also be suffering for his glory.

Sounds like you’re in a very complicated situation. Given how long you two have been a couple just adds to complexity of it. Love and trust is hard thing to give someone who has not show to be worthy of such. Do you love her enough to see through all of the issues that arise?

Thanks for the response Aerials.

That is the problem I just left yesterday sometimes the resentment builds up so much.

Even though she’s “trying” now to “change” I don’t know anymore, I’m afraid concerned it will just be the same old, the next time she does something wrong like talk to someone.

Or just continues to take me for granted, is true love staying with someone who doesn’t truly love you back?

I guess it is.

But more importantly like I said I want to follow gods will whether that’s stay even if there is life long suffering, but I also don’t want to hold on for the sake of whatever psychological footholds are there, and gods will is for me not to stay.

I’ve prayed for gods will this whole 13 years and we’ve broken up probably thousands of times, yet we somehow find a way back to each other.

I just want to know a straight forward answer for once in my life.

I know exactly what you mean. Words are easily spoken, but actions show true change. That could take awhile. Trust shouldn’t be give over if it will just be broken again. I can tell you from my experience with a long term relationship that had ended is if someone or something is hindering your relationship with Jesus and our Father, it’s best to leave it.

God will deliver you and heal a broken heart. I know this for a fact(Happened to me). He is also a God of restoration. He very well could mend this broken relationship or He may not. The only real advise I can give is place your trust in Him. It might not be an easy thing to do, but the power and wonders He will do for you will leave you in awe! And also pray for her earnestly and with compassion for she is also made in God’s image. Whom knows the creation better than the Creator.

I will speak from a different perspective. One of the keys of the vows is to honour. You have trash talked this woman, accused her, diminished her and ruined her reputation. No we do not know her but you do not honour or respect her. She is accountable for her actions and you are accountable for saying she is your girlfriend and betraying her with your words.
Whatever her faults it is not honourable to expose her this way to strangers. You should not marry her as it would be dishonest. She also does not deserve to be married to someone who talks like he hates her. If she should be alone, then that is up to God. If you marry someone you say is abusive then you are choosing to put future children at risk. These choices are on you.
As for God, you chose certain signs by which to compel God to act. What he did is show you that this was not suitable. I think the most important thing is for you to really look at your own heart and attitudes. It is the only thing that you have control over changing. You know that you two are not meant to be. You can leave. You just do not have the right to trash her reputation as you do so. No matter what else God has planned, it is never his will to disrespect someone whom you claim to love.

First off I’ve never done that to her in real public life my family friends don’t know any of this and I hide her severe flaws and make her look good.

You know nothing of who she is and never will, by your logic I wouldn’t even be able to ask this question and get help because I’m dishonoring someone by speaking the truth.

If I hated her I obviously wouldn’t be on here getting advice and trying to work things out one final time if need be.

Yeah this is the hard part. Because while she hinders me she also indirectly helps me because I cry out to God, but yeah I’m assuming indirect help doesn’t count haha.

Hi friend,

I appreciate you seeking help on your situation. There is hope for both of you.

I will paste two lectures for your viewing.

1. Broken relationships and unity
2. Unity in worship

I pray this will give you better understanding of how relationships ought to function.

Thanks I will watch more in depth when I have time they look great.

My issue is if I am in the I’m a creature phase and she’s in the I’m a god phase. Basically one is always giving and the other always taking.

Do you continue the relationship? Are you supposed to show Agape love and let them take from you without limit?

I mean I guess it’s a stupid question really, as we are to emulate God and all we do is take from him.

It’s fine if it’s just 2 people you can lay down your life and let them take even unto death.

But then the hypothetical question becomes do you lay down your life if say a 3rd party is involved like a child or another person?

I know end of the day it’s a battle of being Christ like suffering for others and giving yourself fully vs wanting your egotistical needs met such as feeling loved respected ect (being god).

Obeying God even unto death if need be. I honestly don’t have a right to expect happiness joy peace from external circumstances besides God.

I understand that much. The real question is how to discern gods will and negative feelings such as pain and suffering seems like a bad way to do so, as they will of course tell you to always run.

The main point is to do his will whether that is staying or going.

My advice would be, you be faithful to the vow of your marriage.

As your understanding grows and wisdom increases. Your peace will also grow as you trust God more and more and not your spouse.

Your happiness is not linked to what your wife does or does not do. Your happiness comes from God. I know the frustration of you doing everything. But love is the only way to awaken love.

Love her with the love God pours in your heart not with 'love of yourself or what you give in order to receive from her'.

God wants to strengthen your faith. He won't place a burden on you that you wont be able to bear.

Right seems even according to this:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/biblic...s-you-to-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/amp/

the only out is severe physical abuse, which in the past has gotten severely out of hand.

I can’t say it has happened in the last few months ever since she went on anti depressants, but it’s always in the back of my mind, someone might end up seriously hurt or dead.

But I also don’t want to take liberty with that and use it as an easy “gotcha” to escape.

He has definitely strengthened my faith and no amount of suffering compares to his innocent suffering.

I guess now that I have already left should I go back and just let her do as she pleases?

Or wait on god?

Also would like to clarify we aren’t “legally” married, but did make marriage vows to one another privately.

It also seems like Paul’s writings along with even Jesus himself about allowing divorce in the case of adultery, seem to be pandering to the flesh.

Paul’s and many Christians criteria for finding a proper spouse panders to egotistical needs of having to experience the least amount of suffering.

Like if you are somehow suffering it is not gods will. And all real Christians have magical, loving, god honoring marriages.

But in jest either way I go decision wise seems it’s fine by God. It’s just one path is for the weak and the other for strong. The strongest being singleness.

Even marriage seems like an out for the flesh. I guess that’s why in heaven there won’t be marriage anymore, as the flesh will have fully died and no compromises to appease it will need to be made.

Still the question be strong and take the hard path now that I’ve made a decision to be in a relationship or listen to the flesh and take the out?

The real question again is how to discern gods will. If it’s to stay with this person and give them unconditional love or if god wants you to do other things for him.

I once heard a pastor say gods will is exactly where you are right now and the people currently in your life.

And say I’m trying to do gods will but she becomes an impediment, do you just go do it anyway and let her deal with it?

How do you discern if this person is his will or to go and do other things? I’ve read a lot over the past decade and everything I read about discerning gods will is ultra subjective. Some just said if it feels good and there is no suffering resistance it’s the way.... seems like the way straight to hell haha.

Thanks