I want to go to God, but I feel so bad...

I want to go to God, but I'm worried about how much i get in the way. Because with temptations i get so selfish and distracted. Sometimes I wish i didn't exist because I won't be with him and be as focused as i want to be because of how bad i am. I wish i didn't have the power to make decisions, because i feel like so many times I make the wrong ones. I just feel so scared........
I keep running back to my old life trying to forget to get away from the fear.
Then i feel even worse and even more hopeless, but just stuck feeling like i can't do anything else. I'm just running away constantly because it's what i'm used to and it feels hard to change more to what God wants me to be.
I get so stubborn in sin, and that scares me. I wish i would want to go to God more instead of running away. Why is my heart so hardened at times, why am i so stupid to keep wanting to run away and act like sin is freedom when it's slavery? I always want to go to God last after sin fails, BUT WHY NOT FIRST? Why does my stupid hardened heart say later so much? I feel like i've fallen into the same holes so many times I want to yell and cry and try to forget so for some period of time i can pretend i don't exist.
I'm such a coward and a troublesome child.
My laziness, my cowardice, my selfishness...
It seems so hard to approach God and read the Bible daily like I want to. Instead I waste time, run away, forget, then feel terrible, talk to God in the night when i cry and feel regretful and i wake up in the morning and act like I could try to go to God later again.
I want to live a life of focusing on God, of following him. Of reading the Bible, of following what he says.
And yet i'm so terrible and let my sinful desires get in the way instead of trying because i'm such a coward...
I feel so scared constantly of being alive because of the way i am.
Distractions separating me from him, my stupid heart wanting to choose sinful things over God. I want to rely on God, but how do i when my heart keeps yelling to run away in sin and it's so hard to hear God's sweet whispers of love?
Apart of me wants to seek him and apart of me wants to seek sin, and I'm just so nervous of the new life but i don't want the sinful part of me to keep taking over and keep wanting me to run away and forget in my anxiety....

I appreciate your struggle, as I have been there myself. It was sin living in me, as it is now living in you. Take up your cross daily and deny yourself (Lk 9:23).

I suggest you really study the 7th and 8th chapters of Romans. There you will find the answer to your dilemma: "For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live" (Ro 8:13).

You’re exactly the soul God the Father wants. Jesus is the Lord Thy God that makes the impossible possible. Have faith in Him and you shall see great things.

I understand where you are coming from and I kept running away from God in and out of church not being able to stay there because I felt like such a hypocrite I would leave and run again.

At 56 years old I cried out to God saying I'm not good enough and I will never be good enough and God said to me you are right you aren't good enough and you will never be. But that is why my Son died for you. Because when you come to me and ask for forgiveness I no longer look at your imperfect life but I then look at Jesus perfect life because He died for you and His blood covers your sins.

Your sins are gone as though you have never sinned. You are so grateful that you want to turn away from sinning and when you rest in Jesus allowing the Holy Spirit to work in your life then you will have peace and joy instead of fear and you won' t want to run away from me.

When I realized that I have never been the same.

So please learn to put your focus on Jesus and give your heart and fears to Him and He will set you free.

Thank all of you for replying! I'm sorry i haven't sent more detailed replies, with anxiousness I feel like a mess and it's difficult to get myself to do things and i'm stuck feeling all lazy. I do appreciate your replies!

Michael
Hi there and thank you for your honesty and transparency that many of us adults aren't able to or won't expose of ourselves!
Your words gripped my heart also and moved me to remember as @JesusLives has said it isn't in us to be perfect in our goodness,we can only be covered by His ( Jesus) righteousness.

This is a lifelong struggle within us all and will be until we die. The flesh wars against the spirit,and wherein your SPIRIT wants to do good and be right with God as you stated sin seems easier.

I'm sure you've heard and probably sang " Jesus Loves Me", in that song is a verse " we are weak but He is strong". It is Him in us that can give us the POWER to resist the urge to return to our sins that seem easy.

I would challenge you,Michael to allow Him to be the warrior in you!

Begin to read about the different people God called out to use those that,were weak,fearful,despicable sinners,those who ran away from His calling in their lives and see yourself!

For you are of great worth and value to Him and He has a plan laid out for your life.

David,a shepherd lad,Moses a man of poor speech,Jonah a stubborn coward,Peter a poor fisherman, Matthew a hated tax collecter, ect.there are many examples of God taking what seems impossible to be good and holy and making it so!


You can be a great overcomer and inspiration for the kingdom of God!

I also feel the same way 24/7 ya know I look at my sister and see the connection she has with God and I feel like it is stupid to keep on trying when I'll always fall back to sin. However, God doesn't expect us to be like anyone. He just wants us to spend more time with him. I ran away from God for 3 months or so and I was scared to go back to him because I was afraid of sinning again. That just made me more miserable because I needed him cuz there's this security he gives me so yeah. I'm still afraid that I'll go back to my old ways but I'm asking God for strength daily and I know that I'm not perfect. If I end up slipping then I'd rush back to him because time is limited and it isn't about how many times we fall but something about getting up. I'm sorry, but i don't remember but u get the cue hehe. I know how u feel and I'm still struggling. Being a teen is hard like I'm 17 and it's crazy cuz people my age and my friends are doing things I can't do and it's hard to act right. You've got this and I hope you're doing great.

How are you doing? @M1chaeL

If I could give you a virtual hug I would. That's about all I have in me right now.

I beat myself up a lot also and while sometimes it may be the accuser (enemy) instigating...rarely does the Lord continually beat us down like this.

It's helpful for me to know that he knows me and how hard "this or that" is at any given moment. Love is patient and kind. It's alright to mess up on accident, but we still feel shame.

Think of a way you can worship in your private time. Worship doesn't have to be through music even writing poems (what I call psalming) of where you heart is can be incredibly helpful. The Lord is the best escape we can ever run to. It does require submitting to him though instead of doing things our way.

Have you spoken to a Biblical therapist?

Hey M1chael,

Sounds like you're at the fork in the road.....it's time to make a decision..... You're playing with both roads, but you know you can only choose one. I think the Bible calls it the "valley of decision."

Joel 3:14 King James Version (KJV)
14 Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision: for the day of the Lord is near in the valley of decision.

So, what are the two roads to choose from....... Well, they are the Road of Life and the Road of Death.

Deuteronomy 30:19 King James Version (KJV)
19 I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:

God's Will is that we would choose Life which is filled with blessings. He wants us to be with Him now on the Earth and in all eternity. God loves you!

Our sin separates us from God. He could have just annihilated us, but instead He chose to save us. He chose to give us Life, not Death. Now, God wants us to also choose Life, not Death.

On purpose, God gave us a choice because He doesn't want robots, He wants us to choose to love Him, to choose to know Him, to choose to be with Him. You don't have to wait till you go to heaven to be with God, you can be with Him now, on the Earth.

Yeshua/Jesus had to come to take away our sin so that we could receive the Gift of Eternal Life that the Father wanted to give us just because He loves us and wants to enjoy fellowship with us now on the Earth and in eternity.

By receiving the Body of Yeshua/Jesus, you receive the Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.
By receiving the Blood of Yeshua/Jesus, you receive total forgiveness and penalty paid in full for all your sins.

The Righteousness of God in Christ Jesus is the Human Fulfillment of the Law of Moses. While on the Earth, Yeshua/Jesus fulfilled all of the Human Law of Moses in His Body - every good work and obedience to the Law of Moses was recorded and fulfilled in the Body of Yeshua/Jesus, as well as all that the Prophets had written about Him.

On the Mount of Transfiguration Yeshua/Jesus was examined by Moses and Elijah - the Law and the Prophets. He was transfigured because He passed His examination - He had fulfilled all the "works" for us. Now, He was ready to go to the Cross where He would pour out His Blood and give His Life for us so that we would be able to choose Life. His Blood was examined and accepted by the Father. We know this because He rose from the dead, alive forevermore - the firstborn of many brethren. Yeshua/Jesus Christ offers us His Body and Blood, He offers us Life, if we reject Christ, then we have chosen Death.

Yeshua/Jesus Christ is the ONLY SAVIOR for us, there is NO OTHER. Don't play with or gamble the Gift of Eternal Life that the Father offers you. Death is real. There is a Lake of Fire that awaits those that choose the Road of Death, by rejecting Yeshua/Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.

After you make your decision with ALL your heart and choose Life by receiving Yeshua/Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you are "sealed" with the Holy Spirit immediately and marked as God's possession. However, the "baptism" and "continually being filled" with the Holy Spirit is a Gift from the Father - just as He gave us the Gift of His Son - He gives us the Gift of the Holy Spirit which empowers us to live this new life in Christ that has been given us.

The Holy Spirit dwells within us and with us on the Earth - just as Yeshua/Jesus was with His disciples on the Earth. The Holy Spirit will teach you, guide you, counsel you, comfort you, instruct you, correct you, empower you to be an effective witness of Yeshua/Jesus, and always be with you.

Hope this helps! God loves you!

M1chael, just wanted to give you additional info on the Holy Spirit:

After you are "sealed" with the Holy Spirit, God wants to "baptize" you with the Holy Spirit. Your body is to be the Temple of the Holy Spirit - to be indwelt with the Holy Spirit. This is Emanuel - God with us on the Earth.

The "baptism" with the Holy Spirit is when God first fills you with His Holy Spirit. To help understand this, Solomon built the first Temple in Jerusalem and after the priests had placed the Ark in the Holy of Holies and left the temple, the Glory Cloud (Holy Spirit) filled the temple.

1 Kings 8:10-11 New International Version (NIV)
10 When the priests withdrew from the Holy Place, the cloud filled the temple of the Lord. 11 And the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled his temple.

The same happens to us - it's phenomenal! Absolutely a joyous time! You'll know when it happens.

After the "baptism" of the Holy Spirit, the scriptures open up so beautifully to you and the things of God begin to make sense, you receive understanding and your love for God and His Ways increases tremendously.

However, loving God is ALWAYS a choice. He never takes the "choice" away from us. Every day if we do not choose God, then our flesh gets stronger and we backslide. It's very important to stay "filled" with the Holy Spirit. We do this by reading and meditating on God's Word, praying, singing songs in our hearts to God, fellow-shipping with other believers, etc.

Our flesh grieves the Holy Spirit. We need to learn to walk by the Spirit so we do not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. It's a choice..... just keep choosing Life!

Brother He is building you up for something, but what I hear with my ears is a very real love and desire for God, I hear a young man seeking in truth, but I also hear a man shouldering all these things himself. It sounds like you are trying to make yourself good enough for God. Please don't get me wrong, we strive daily to be more like our Master, desire to please Him, and it grieves us when we fail, and its only by the power of His Spirit we can do these things, He frees us from this weight you're speaking of. That you have to let go of, see "your way" for what it is and turn from all of it to Him and He will free you from these worries. He will resurrect your spirit in real life and reconcile it to His Spirit forever changing you and opening your eyes to His kingdom and His Kingship right now today!!! Praise Jesus name you love Him and may He draw you ever deeper into His truth every day He blesses you with brother. Continue knocking.