Feeling weak from anxiety and trust issues

Life has felt like it's been falling apart. Apathy keeps me from wanting to actually live life, and anxiety keeps me shaking as if I'm getting shocked constantly. I wanted to escape these feelings of self hatred and harm have come back. Now, while my thoughts are chaotic, all could manage are long self hugs as tears stream down my face and i try to focus on God, so nothing is physically harmful. I'm just so exhausted. Sometimes I'd rather be in heaven than on Earth because my mental health is driving me crazy, I'm driving myself crazy. Everything in the world screaming as my weak mind struggles is driving me crazy.
I wanted to get better mental health and be better but I've beenin shambles and i'm ashamed at the lack of progress i've had.
For the most part, I guess I've wanted to be isolated because of trust issues due to some trouble i had with an old friend in the past. I felt so nervous to trust humans in real life afterwards, I've wanted to shut everyone out because i thought they would judge me and not understand. Apart of me has also had an anger toward humanity including myself and has been isolated and insecure.
But i feel like i should look for some human help like my family, they seem like they want to help, and while they were ignorant of mental health before, after an incident I had they seem more understanding.
It's just so difficult because after last time with the old friend I had, I felt like a bother, I hated myself, and i felt so embarrassed to drag them into any of my problems. I have felt so scared to make the same mistake and i've had such a fear that any human i could rely on would hurt me again and leave me.
I've let my pride make me want to wait so long to try to talk to others, apart of me is so prideful that it wants to keep forgetting everything and pushing away everyone so it doesn't get exposed.
Maybe i'm scared of seeming weak, I just keep feeling so embarrassed.
I'm scared of everyone in real life knowing how pathetic and weak i really am.
Sometimes with the mess i am, i get so embarrassed I feel self hateful and suicidal feelings (which aren't physically dangerous, but mentally they keep tormenting me and driving me crazy)

(sorry if i ramble on or if this gets unorganized, I keep getting anxiety shocked.)

May I ask if you getting medically treated for your anxiety and other issues? Are you receiving proper therapy or medication?

You need to find someone to talk to that you can trust.
Do you have this available to you?
That is really important.

It is good that you have found your way here, as this site may be a great help to you. I highly suggest that you find a good therapist that you feel comfortable with , it might take more than one try, but will be worth the effort. They are trained to be able to help with issues, If it would be helpful feel free to message me, I will be objective with you, and offer feedback. God loves you and wants the best for you, and so does everyone on this site. In the meantime it might be helpful to go to the library and ask them to point you in the direction of some self help books on anxiety, apathy, self harm, self hatred, mental health, suicidal feelings, but I suggest you only get one at a time, so you do not get overwhelmed. And ask for prayer in the prayer section, faith can move mountains, and knowledge is very helpful. I pray you find some relief. I hope to hear some good news. God bless you and keep you, amen.

I found this testimony on Quora just now, after having read and responded to your post, I had to bring this and post it to you message,

Patrick Gibney
I’m just an average man who was fortunate enough to experience a divine encounter in my early 20s when I was rescued from severe panic attacks and anxiety, that was 40 years ago, I’ve married a great lady, have 3 married adult children who’ve given us 7 beautiful Grandchildren…. Before this I have had times where I have experienced opposition for my faith, have survived 2 major brain tumour operations and this has given me a great zest for life because I know our time on earth is very short and we each have a purpose to fulfil while we’re here.
I like the Quora website for the opportunity to be able to discuss the absolutes of life and of truth, because of this I’m not inclined to be commenting on questions that are purely speculative and invite just opinions from others but fail to explore the reality or the absolutes that life contains.
I am one of six siblings and grew up in a family where we all loved to perform on stage and we are never short of sharing our opinions ( that’s probably one reason why I enjoy sharing on Quora) my father was an alcoholic and a smoker and abusive to my mother, he passed away at the age of 51 because of poor health associated with his life choices. My life only really began after I was transformed because of my salvation experience…… What is life if there is no real peace ? ….a constant struggle ! but one that absolutely does not need to be that way
We live in a world where there is a battle raging all around us for the souls of people, this world is evil and that is why everything dies and is in a state of decay. We absolutely MUST have purpose, no other religious thoughts, quests or philosophical applications can come close to the truths in the Biblical Faith that rescued me.
Real peace begins by meeting at the cross where Jesus Christ died and receiving what happened there. It will cause you to be completely undone when you seriously consider why the Cross was necessary for God to reach out to you. I pray each person reading this will be granted insight into the destiny that awaits for those who embrace the truth about the Cross of Calvary. Your life will change from nothing to everything )
this life’s journey is not an end in itself, my desire and purpose is to help others see this and to achieve all that God has created for them as well… Love for God and love for people is what life is about, that all starts at Calvary.
When you receive that, you will find what real life means…… I’ve written a shorter version of my testimony below. May you be blessed as you read
38 years ago I was so sunk in the pit of depression and panic attacks that I wanted to take my own life, I was desperate and felt literally in a pit that was so deep no one could drag me out, I started seeking through church attendance ( a church that preached the living and abiding word of God ) I cried out to God over some months and through listening to conscience and the Word of God, I turned away from soul destroying passions that I was practicing and entrenched in . I eventually said no to those things and stopped completely, in other words, I repented…. I then happened to read in the old testament 2nd Chronicles 20v17 where God spoke to Jehoshophat and said,( this was a word that spoke to me ) " you will not need to fight in this battle, stand still, and see the victory of the Lord ".
That word, I read one morning, kept coming to my mind this particular day and to me it described the battle that constantly raged in my mind, tormenting me and robbing me of rest. I remember walking home that afternoon pondering the words and significance. I got home, went to my room, sat on my bed and said these words to God " Lord, that is what its like for me, I feel I'm fighting against something I can't understand...... I'm asking you to take over and fight the battle for me. " Immediately, it was like a giant door inside my spirit slammed shut, and all that was left within me was this gentle name....Jesus and an overwhelming sense of peace.
I knew from that day to this that the man Jesus Christ was indeed real and truly as the Bible describes; ‘The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run into him and are safe’
Since then I’ve lived my life committed to Him and because of that, I’ve never had another panic attack, my peace of mind was restored in an INSTANT on that day, it was miraculous and amazing and I knew from that day, as long as I kept myself close to Him, I’d never have to FEAR anything again..Jesus is indeed a strong tower )

It seems to be saying the same thing I said!!

Hi M1chaeL, I'm glad you posted this here. These are my unprofessional thoughts but I do rely on Scriptures and the Holy Spirit for wisdom.
Throughout our lives we need to understand not everybody is going to be kind to us..... because we are all human. Look at Jesus, the perfect being/man, people wanted and did kill Him (even though it was His destiny they hated Him). If we give up and prejudge everyone the same as the ones who let us down, none of us would have a future. I've had my share of those who didn't 'get' me and I'm sure we all have here. I'm not here to please or worry about others like that but pleasing God has rewards.
Second, it's not about us, our unrenewed carnal body, but the Salvation and rebirth into the Christ in us/the Holy Spirit. The Bible says 'FEAR NOT' about 365 times, and God knows what He's doing right?
A great Scripture 1 Pet 5:6-8 …6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, so that in due time He may exalt you. 7Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. 8Be sober-minded and alert. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.… ' tells us the best thing we can do. Worry is such a useless thing that robs us of our joy in the Lord.
Fill yourself with the Word of God, CD's and DVD/videos and fight the good fight of faith. Don't give ear to the enemy and he will flee, says the Word.
God bless and keep you in His unconditional love!

Listen Michael, I know you feel like you can't talk to anyone (or, you did at the time of posting thing), but you have to talk to someone. God, someone in the physical world, or online. If they push you away, seek someone else. If they push you away is it unlikely that it is because they are annoyed or feel burdened by you, but because people get scared around situations like that. That isn't your fault. God is putting you through a though time to test you, all you have to do is get though it, and I'm sure you can. Sharing your personal issues with someone is not a bad thing, it is good to get things off your chest. Just because it is off your chest, doesn't mean you have put it on someone else's chest (that may sound a bit strange, but I hope it gets the point across). All you need to a guiding hand. God will act as a guiding hand but it is always good to have someone else there as well. Good luck and god bless you. I will pray for you.