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Whenever i see a number like that, I wonder if it is the year the person was born I am not asking, and you needn't say. I do notice also that you say you are struggling to feel God's presence while believing you have no desire to follow God, and yet that very hunger to have more of God in your life is a prompt signaling desire which needs to be fed. As a young Christian you may be confused about a few or even a lot of things, but one thing is certain: once you are sealed with the Holy Spirit of God, He will never leave nor forsake you. It is one of the promises God has made to us, and He is trustworthy to finish the good work He has begun in us. He has drawn you with loving kindness, and you may need to likewise learn to be more kind to yourself and patient as you grow in Him, which takes time, and will in fact continue for the rest of your life. Do you have a church family or anyone with whom to read Scriptures on a regular basis? These days meeting face to face has become restricted, but many churches now regularly meet online for fellowship and study of God's revealed written Word. I pray you have/find fellowship with other believers you know personally, and I encourage you to read the Bible. Many things will be revealed to you that will help you find peace.
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