Recovering from liking someone of a different belief structure?

I hope it's alright to start another thread, especially since I already have one or two where I'm talking about my issues or whatever, but... I just feel this particular topic could use its own thread. And maybe.... if anyone has experienced similar issues, they can also talk here and share their thoughts and experiences. ^^; But anyway....

I have been talking a bit about how I'm... trying to get over a guy I was obsessed with and I'm having a difficult time moving on from that attachment for various reasons.

But the thing is.... what do you do when the person you really liked (even if they didn't like you back in the same way) may have... ended up near-permanently influencing you in ways that are not Christian? (And what's worse... even though I doubt I will ever speak to him again... part of me still holds onto some stuff he said to me, I even ended up reshaping some of my mindset around it... because some part of me deep down still hopes beyond hope I might be friends with him again oneday and we'd still share similar mindsets.)

But... I also know the Bible itself says not to be unequally yoked, because... it could lead to bad things. And sometimes, I even wonder if it could, or maybe already has, put my own personal salvation in jeopardy somehow.

See... he was an atheist. He actually described himself, in more of a deeper chat, as an agnostic-theist, but primarily referred to himself as atheist. And... he just had many views on many things he shared with me, especially since in his mind, the world has been more hurt by religion than helped by it, and he felt I was a poor little waif who'd been brainwashed and abused by my religious upbringing and he could help me see the light... even if, to be fair, I did portray myself as a pathetic little waif back in the day.

It made me question and rethinking everything. He made me think different about abortion. He made me think differently about socialism, the value of government, etc. (Well, "made" is the wrong word... it's not like he tied me down and forced me to listen to anything... many times, he only talked because I brought something up or he wanted to present an alternative view in an instructional way.)

It's just... I admired him. I idolized him. I still do. He was sweet, he did nice things for me sometimes to try and cheer me up... I loved him in a way.

But... now that he's gone from my life, and I need to start thinking for myself more and decide what it is I really want in a relationship with God, well....

What do you guys think? How do you begin, when your heart is still... elsewhere? Is it possible to still have salvation even when... you love someone and their views that go against some things of God?

Just to clarify a little more....

I have come to realize that the biggest reason why I found this guy so irresistibly enticing was simply because he was kind, sweet, and he said the near-polar opposite of everything I had ever been taught.

To a lonely, sheltered young lady who'd only been taught strict Christian views, (And the household was under a fair bit of censorship...) he was quite appealing.

I suppose though... part of the problem is when it reaches a point where THAT reason for finding someone so fascinating isn't enough anymore... there either needs to be something tangible, something physical, or something a tad more to talk about than just peppering him with questions and hearing him validate the opposite of whatever I had been taught as a kid and appealing to whatever rebel emotions I had.

And you end up having to make a choice... since someone who scorns God and religion can hurt your relationship with God if you value that person more.

hmm so wondering....did this guy actually care about YOUR beliefs and ask you about them?

I'd actually say we did have some pretty well-rounded discussions, because if I said something, he would ask me why I felt or believed the way I did and I would explain my thoughts, and he would listen. Then he would simply offer his own thoughts, perspective and insights, and ask me to simply look at it in a different way.

In some ways... I think we did soooorta have like a big brother/younger sister dynamic, sorta. Where the other person listens, even half-ignores anything you say he doesn't like but tolerates it because you're friends.

I'd actually have to say.... most of whatever happened that ended up effecting me was on me. He made it clear he didn't care that I believed in God, and he was okay with other people having different POVs. When I had asked him directly once if he had a problem with it, he said he didn't, that the only thing he disliked was the way I imposed one type of life/belief structure/way of thinking on other sometimes (which is something he really, really didn't like about religion).

The biggest thing is... I admired him so much I just soaked up everything he said like a sponge.

So my point is.... I dunno, I can't but sorta feel like... the reasons I was interested in him, the reasons I was so enraptured by him... maybe it was the equivalent of a girl back in the 70's who would hop onto the back of a motorcycle with a cute gang boy just because she liked his leather jacket and she wanted to rebel against Daddy. In a lot of ways, it wasn't quite like that, and definitely not... quite that extreme I don't think, but....

When you're lonely, and you don't have much experience with guys... sometimes, the first guy who is really nice to you is enough to win you over. Especially when they are one of these rare types who gives you gifts sometimes and doesn't even expect anything in return.

well if he didnt care that you believed in God then he didnt care for you.

I would say dont be naive. When a guy gives a gal a gift they may not expect anything in return straight away, but they do expect something. I'd be like. You talk to my Father first you cant just bribe me.

Dont beat yourself up about it, let it go. Not everyone we hang around with is going to be a christian and the people we might admire do actually have feet of clay. These things are just there to test your faith I suppose.

DANGER GIRL!

Based on what you have written so far - I would suggest that you are in a [spiritually] weakened and vulnerable position.

What to do:

Read the Bible and get just as close to God as you can - trusting only Him.

So your infatuation with him is rooted in rebellion primarily. You grew up in a strict to the point of dysfunctional home misguided by religion. Now you've met someone not guided by religion, not strict.
I'd say the mindset you have towards him is similar as the common "daddy issues" mindset. What you lacked growing up you seek for anywhere you can get it. Even if it's wrong.
Note I'm not talking about anything sexual, just the idea that of that guy gives you what you seek, you want him, regardless of whether it's right or wrong.

The good news is if you focus correctly you can get past this. Because the reality is your infatuation isn't for the individual, but rather what the individual represents.
Not to say you may not have genuine feelings as well, for him, but your primary attraction isn't for him as a person. It's for the ideal he represents. And if he's the first he'll be the strongest. And if you don't heal through the things that brought you to this place you'll end up the same with another guy. And you'll never know what your true motives are for picking a man.

Also note when I said rebellion it wasn't a negative. Not all rebellion is bad. But even rebellion with good reasons can lead to bad choices, so you still need to be wary.

I'd like to ask your opinion on something, by extension of this train of thought in regards to a different, yet similar and related issue....

You said that... summarizing, if I don't heal from this/get this straightened out, I will essentially repeat the same mistakes again and never know my true motivation for choosing a man.

Do you think this can be applied to other things, too? I mean, another thing I will say is that, many times throughout my life, I have felt miserable wherever I was/am, half-convinced that if I could just go someplace I really wanted to go, I'd be happier. But.... I have also been known to eventually be just as miserable when I go to a new place (even if it does get me away from some stressful factors, because putting distance between some things and some people DOES help...) but... I have also been known to lose interest and even drop plans when planning to go visit a place... like, I get starry-eyed about it for any reason, but if and when it gets very close to becoming a reality to go visit... I lose interest, sometimes even cancel the plans.

Yes I'd say that transfers. To any aspect of life that was particularly negative for someone. When we aren't satisfied, on a deeper level, we go elsewhere for that satisfaction. That's often times at least a part of why people cheat in marriage.

But I do see the connection. You build things up in your mind. Perhaps you build them so much that it becomes overwhelming, thus your canceling at the last minute.
Or perhaps like the Idea of something, but not the reality of it. I can do this, though I also have depression. So for me it sounds good, because the normal part of me wants to do things, but the depressive side keeps me from being able to and thus I don't go.
But this can also be a learned behavior. Let's say your parents often promise things, but then don't deliver that could train you to repeat that pattern to yourself out of the comfort of the pattern. People will Definitely choose comfortable behaviors over healthy ones.

have you lost interest in God? Just wondering.
It just sounds like you are kind of meh about Him and keep distracting yourself with fantasies to avoid the real hard yards of putting down spiritual roots.

Well... perhaps. A few years ago, I did go through a period of my life where I deeply resented God, particularly since I'd been hurt, disappointed and let down by Christian friends... and my family life was pretty crazy.

I think I am genuinely getting back to where i am more interested in God again though... my prayer sessions lately have been very good. I'd actually have to say that God and I have been having some very good conversations, (And I call them "conversations" rather than just prayer, because I was taught long ago that true prayer isn't just me talking and talking, that you need to let Him talk to. And in some ways... He does. Maybe not even on the same day, but especially lately... He has been talking.)

I think... I am slowly getting over my resentment toward Him. I have had a few good prayer sessions with Him. Maybe I am still in the Meh zone a bit, but.... I still feel like it's improvement because at least I'm no longer in the resentment/borderline hatred zone with Him now. (At least I don't think so...)

And talking on this forum sometimes has been helping a bit.

In dating we should have a view of the end goal in mind even on the first date: is this someone I can marry?

Then start looking for Biblical reasons why they are a good match with the main goal being that they are a good Christian man.

Someone who is an atheist, yet sweet/funny/kind/handsome isn't marriage material for a Christian.

Can you imagine having a family with someone who's beliefs are polar opposites from your own, even if they are so nice? Let's not be under any assumption that people will change their beliefs for us.

People need to experience God themselves and make the concious decision to obey the gospel of Christ.

We'll keep preaching the gospel until the entire world accepts it or we're gone. Whichever comes first.

When we meet atheists or agnostics it's gospel time. Now, I'm not saying pull your Bible out and start preaching to them immediately, but always have an awareness you're speaking to a non-believer in Christ. All communication with this person should be with the goal pushing them in the direction of Christ.

Wellll.... I can definitely see some points here, especially considering how much my parents seemed to dream and some dreams never came true.

Like... we have never been rich, and if I wanted something there were plenty of times I had to wait (some stuff I never got at all) and... in the long run, perhaps that is a good thing because if I had been able to get whatever I wanted all the time, I probably would've ended up more spoiled than I am already. As it stands, I'm... still basically a spoiled brat in some ways but at least I think a bit more and I also know what it's like to have near-nothing because I've experienced homelessness.

Regardless, there were... some times when I was younger when it seemed like (and maybe this is partially painted by the overexaggerated imagination of a young kid and teenager....) that "someday", all kinds of things were gonna happen... that never really did. Like... maybe someday we'd become millionaires because God would bless us, and at least some generations in America seem to feel it's part of God's plan and blessing to make everybody in this country rich or something because Freedom-and-Opportunities! (Maybe that's part of what lead to America's decline in some ways... I dunno)

But I did go through a period of life ending up disappointed. I think part of this could just be blamed on my own crazy brain, because I do have mental issues and for some reason... it's like a huge part of my mind and emotions has always fixated on something that someone says, like, "Okay, this is set in stone..." And when it doesn't happen or when plans change in some cases, or another person just proves that they are an autonomous human being and aren't joined at the hip with me... sometimes I've had real meltdowns. But I am trying to get better about that.

Sometimes though... my parents could also be pretty immature about things (and since I grew up sheltered... they were my primary influences. Not all bad, but not all good either.)

Like... sometimes we didn't get to do things because of their immaturity and their inability to work out issues like adults while my brother and I were kids.

I still remember one time, Dad decided to surprise everybody by taking us to the fair... but the way he went about it wasn't the best. He kept telling my mother that we were going to Kmart, to get exactly what she wanted and she could get as much as she wanted or something like that, and got her all excited.

Then he instead took us to the fair... which kinda made us kids happy, but Mom got real quiet. She was upset and more than a bit embarrassed.

We had just barely got there and Dad had just barely paid for us to go in... when Mom started to tell him unhappy she was, because she had been lied to. (In truth... Dad, especially back then, just kinda liked to give into a devilish streak I guess... and that side of him had come up here... and part of the reason why Mom was so upset was because he had played crueler pranks on her in the past and they had never resolved THOSE issues, either... so this was just that coming up fresh again.) They got into a fight, Mom saying she had been told we were going to KMART, not the fair. Dad got all mad because he didn't like being confronted, and he wasn't getting the warm reception to his surprise or the flow-goey atmosphere he wanted, so he was just like, "Fine, you don't want to be here, we'll leave!" And he marched off toward the car, leaving us to follow and catch up.

Which lead to a fairly miserable level of silent treatment all around and anger/disappointment at home... and us kids wondering what happened and what we did to make everyone leave before we could even do anything.

I guess my parents DID finally discuss it, and Mom basically explained that she wouldn't have minded it so much if he hadn't gotten her so excited about the idea of going to Kmart specifically.

After that... to his credit, Dad DID try to improve.... but it also seemed like every single time he tried to plan something, it just never worked out very well. Like... one of the next times he tried to take us to an event, he had it all planned that he wasn't gonna tell anyone anything about what we were gonna be doing or where we were going, and he selected the weekend Mom was off from work.... but when we got there, there was nothing there. Because somehow wires got crossed and he didn't realize it would be the NEXT weekend, not the one where Mom was off.

For whatever reason... it just seems like I have never really been able to that much with my family as a family, at least in some areas... particularly as I got a little older. Maybe that is part of the reason why I have problems with doing things or going anywhere now... part of me feels forever trapped in this subconscious void where, on some deep level... I know this might sound stupid, but I think part of me is still a little girl deep down who wants to go through and do all the things with my family that I've heard other, healthier and more outgoing families got to do. And it makes me feel guilty and lonely whenever I go off and do something by myself... although I'm getting better about it, because I am more used to it and I keep telling myself that I'm a grown woman now and, as long as I'm not shirking my responsibilities and it genuinely is a free day... I'm not doing anything wrong even if I decide to travel a little ways from home for a little while.

Sometimes, I also wonder if maybe I have a touch of separation anxiety where my family is concerned. For various reasons, I was literally terrified of ANY adults who weren't my parents for a long time when I was very young, and I was also afraid to go off anywhere by myself. And being a close-knit family unit of homebodies who have always kept to ourselves.... it wasn't until I was in my mid-twenties when I began to gain confidence to actually go outside and walk around town without anyone around me. Now, I do it all the time.

But... It feels like I'm still fighting something in myself. Part of me feels like I want to wander and see new things... part of me feels like I'd rather stay in the comfort and shelter of my own home. Part of the problem, too, is that even if I DO go places... I don't want to take them exactly as they are or see what is actually there for what it is.

I suppose to some extent, I have a very starry-eyed and daydreamy brain (maybe partially due to waaaaay too many years of TV, movies, games, and books...), buuuut... I feel like reality is ordinary and boring. I want to go to a new city I've dreamed about and find giants herding dinosaurs, am emerald sky, a little shop selling magical trinkets that can get me to Narnia and maybe some flying horses on the horizon. I don't want to go to a town and see just ANOTHER town that will probably be basically the same as what I see in my own neighborhood... even if that is horribly disrespectful, because each area does have its own population, its own history, and.... I'm not doing a very nice thing by saying it's not good enough for me or that I don't want to learn about it just because I'd rather have something like a storybook in reality.

Those are good points.

I will say though... well, one area in which I'm not sure if I'm a good Christian or if my convictions are all that good is because I've always made it a point where... if someone has different beliefs and makes it clear they don't want to be converted, you gotta respect that. And... I don't seem to have the right kind of personality type to talk to people about anything they don't to hear anyway and I'm not good with confrontation or debates. I'm more of a doer-person. I can do things for people, but... talking to them isn't really my thing.

But anyway, you also make good points because.... I have no real end goal in mind for what I would want in a partner anyway. I was just always under the impression, "God has chosen someone for you, He'll have you meet the person when the time is right" because that's pretty much what my dad promised.

The one thing I am certain about is that I do not want children. So that probably limits a lot of my choices for a man right there, because many family-oriented men want to marry someone with the intent to have kids. If I know I don't want kids, and he does, that is not gonna work.

I do know that some childless marriages do work though. My cousin and her husband have been together for many years and they're still going strong, and they've never had any plans to have kids. So... some things do work.

Fair enough.

Sharing a Bible verse, or witnessing about your faith, isn't forcing anything on anyone even if people claim it is. It just demonstrates their hostility toward the gospel in that case.

If someone rejects the gospel after one advance then don't insist any further unless they signal to you they are open to discussing it again. Don't close the door behind you, but be available if they ever come around, but don't have fellowship with them until then.

The gospel of Christ is our identity. If they reject Christ then they reject you. These people can't be our friends until when/if they change their mind.

I'm not sure if I'm understanding this correctly. It sounds like you are saying you had a crush on a guy who didn't have the same feelings for you? But because he was nice and showed some interest in you, you were willing to accept him no matter his beliefs and even let him influence your faith and walk with God.

If that is the case, then you really need to start praying and get closer to God because you are unstable. I'm not sure how old you are, or your actual situation, but it appears you are very child like...judging by some of your other posts in this thread such as resenting God for whatever reason, wanting to live life through some type of fantasy or imaginary world, and also sounds like you are overly dependent on your parents.

Sorry if I'm wrong, but it does sound like you have relied on your parents to take care of you for all sense of your security. Now you are wanting a man to take care of you and will settle for anyone and even put that person above your relationship with God. Just my opinion, but I think you need to learn to start taking care of yourself and put God first in all that you do. Maybe get a job, if you don't have one and put away the childish fantasies. Give your whole heart to God and put him first. That is the only way to be truly secure and happy.

This is just the sense that I get from reading your posts...I may be wrong, though...It happens...

In some ways... you're not far off. But there are also some areas where... it's not that simple.

You are right, I have always been pretty dependent on my parents, at least in some areas. And it would also seem I am experiencing a late adulthood, just due to various issues and circumstances. (Part of it having to do with undiagnosed mental problems I am still learning to deal with to some degree.)

But in my case... it's also never been as simple as "go out and get a job". I actually did have a job once, for three years in my mid-twenties. But we also have a living situation where I have a disabled sibling who someone needs to stay with, and our dynamic has always consisted of someone staying with him. We cannot afford some outside person to come in and stay with him, and we also don't want some stranger coming into OUR place while we're not here. And why bring in someone who don't know and don't trust when one of us can just do the job?

In the past... it was generally such that Mom worked, Dad stayed home with us kids. Dad just... never had much luck in the working world (it didn't help that we once lived in areas that didn't have many jobs, either.....) but for a time when I was in my mid-twenties, I did work at a laundromat and Mom continued working as a nurse.

Nowadays, we live in a different state than we did back then, and both of my parents work while I stay home. I do go out once in a while to have a little fun in town (mostly shopping...) and I also run the occasional errand for my household.

So yes... there are areas where I know I'm immature, and I am trying to work on getting rid of whatever my hangups are and work on identifying what my stupid, childish fantasies are to get them out, and then maybe receive counsel and STOP DOING IT. Because then maybe I can be better emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

That's why I'm here.

(Also just to be clear, I'm not mad or anything, I just felt it important to clarify and explain better what the true situation is.)

Seems like you have a lot going on. Try to take all of this to the Lord in prayer. He can help you in all the things that are going on in your life. Like you said counseling may be beneficial.

As for your family member with a disability .... I'm not sure what state you are in, but in KY there are many Medicaid wavier programs designed for individuals with disabilities. Individuals can get assistance with going to day programs (if that is something that they would want and enjoy doing) which would help to free up your days. So that you can spend time working on doing more things for you and getting a plan in place for your life. Also there are some programs that actually pay family members to take care of their loved ones. This would allow you to earn your own money and prepare for your future. I think most states have some type of programs for individuals with disabilities so it would be worth checking into.

I think the main thing is to get closer to God. Taking care of someone with disabilities can be hard work and pressing so it is good that you do go out sometimes and have a social outlet. I also imagine that it is difficult for an adult to feel dependent upon their parents. So there is a lot that you are dealing with right now that if you don't stay close to God you may end up settling for anyone as a way to escape.

God wants you to be happy and he knows what's best for your life. So take it all to him and don't settle for anything less.

As for the fantasies, they are probably your coping mechanism or escape. However, the Bible tells us to bring every thought to the obedience of Jesus Christ...which is a constant battle and can be difficult, but it will help us to stay in the will of the Lord.

ok where you are at, I can relate because Ive been through it.
there is actually some really good wisdom in the Bible regarding marriage and being single and spiritual gifts and all those sorts of things that believers finding their feet are concerned about.

Its in the letters to Corinthians who were probably the most starry eyed of believers. They were always being distracted about stuff and their church was kinda crazy.

One verse that spoke to me about immaturity was when Paul says when I was a child, I spoke like a child, i thought like a child, I reasoned like a child, but now I am a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11

I hung on to that when I was an new christian because I knew I had a lot of growing up to do.

The difference between a girl and a woman is maturity right? It doesnt mean you lose all you sense of fun and stuff but you have an adults responsibility and you think about things seriously and go ahead and do them rather than wait around for others to do it for you.

Lenora do you have a caregivers allowance or benefit and get respite or days off?
In my country I think you can apply for assistance from the govt, It used to be they did not pay family members to look after their own but you can make the case that you do need help because otherwise how can you contribute and have independent wellbeing if you are basically unpaid? Youd just be at the mercy of your family, and what if something happens to them?