When you have to suppress yourself to be friends

Best not to know what that reason was

I don't know what they are, but there is probably a label for it. Maybe they aren't good at expressing themselves, but deep down afraid they can lose you, so they keep this sort of dysfunctional abusive behavior going while it lasts.

They don't realize good relationship with positive behavior is within their reach but they're too afraid of being rejected?

Was it always your fault and he was always the victim?

regarding rewards and punishments...

I think in friendships its ought to be unconditional.

But in situations like a teacher, student relationship or mentoring where someone is training someone, its can be like someone withholds info because they want YOU to find out and they will not always give you the answer right away...maybe they will give you clues. Teachers do this to get pupils using their brains.

I dont think this translates well into ordinary relationship/friendship situations where the power is meant to be equal. I think in a sense it is about control to a certain extent, I notice this pattern especially in sibling relationships and parent to child.

generally in friendships you do NOT want to be in a master/slave or servant type role. You want to be equals. on the servant type part you just want to be free to eat at the table. On the master type part you just want to be known by your first name basis and not be placed on a pedestal.

I have an online friend for about 1 1/2 years. We have had some great moments during this time, but generally I started to feel very unhappy and no longer wanted to reach out to them. The main point being is that I was suppressing myself and conforming to them. The reason was because it hurt too much to be rejected all the time. My friend is very different than I am. They are quite closed in share a little; write a little. For instance they would write one sentence about something and that's pretty much all. They ever, if rarely, ask me about myself, and if they do it's always on a shallow subject level. They tell me that I can write about/share/complain about whatever I want, that's it's not problem for them, but most often if not all of the time, they never respond to my comments. It's like I never said anything. I used to ask them questions, maybe 1, 2 at the most, to show my interest in them as a friend, it was sincere since I am curious to learn/know more about them. I would say about 95% + of the time, the don't answer my question. I find it VER rude, personally, and it makes me feel very stupid when my question isn't answered; I feel like a fool.. This has gone on more or less since i have been their friend, however, they were much better in the beginning, and it seemed to drop off after 4- 5 months, or so.

During this time i have not been shy to tell them several times that we are very different communicators. I am very open and they are very closed. I am very curious about them and they don't demonstrate much curiosity or interest in/ about me. I have expressed as well that they don't write enough to keep the relationship going, as I can't be the only one to keep it going but nevertheless, am I really, if they don't respond to me.. It feels very much like talking to a wall. However, having said that, they have demonstrated at various times they do appreciate me and they do like me. .. at one point saying that I made them happy. I'm not sure... sometimes I 'feel' this person is very manipulative. and they are laughing behind my back. I don't know if it is true or not, but sometimes I think they are a sick person.

Recently things came to a head where I asked them some questions about their faith, when they prompted me that they wanted to friendly debate something. I agreed and when I did, they backed down and didn't answer any of my questions. They instead wrote about things that never made sense, and they gloated that they were so blessed in knowing the knowledge they did, even though they could not share it with me.

I ended up leaving the friendship. I told them again before I left that we were very different communicators, that they never answered my questions (and I asked 2-3 times) and that I didn't think there was a fix for it. What exacerbate the problem for me, is that they didn't even try to have a conversation about that - maybe by explaining why they were the way they were, or trying to dispel any wrong impressions I may have.. This all so that I could gain an understanding, at the very least. But no, they never did at all, and this just verifies the lack of connection this produces.

My point in writing is to get it off my chest because sometimes writing releases or gives new insight, but I just feel so darn bad for leaving them.
It's not an easy thing these days to have and acquire friends, and I am not a person who lets go easily. I am a very loyal person, almost to the end. H However, if I feel I am abused, I eventually have enough. But having said that as Christians, shouldn't we be patient and long suffering and shouldn't we bear each others burdens. None of us is perfect and each of us have many flaws.. It's hard to know what to do.. I am curious to know what others would do in my situation. Thank you in Advance, and Happy Easter!

you welcome.
sometimes I have friendships that have me scratching my head wondering why am I friends with this person again? Or am I their friends or are they friends with me?

Sometimes you can have kinda clingy friendships and you might have to be the one to take a step back and keep your distance. Its not that I have claws or anything but you know, some people can just get in your face a bit. Im like - I like you but I dont want to BE you. and you dont have to be me either. Can you just be you and I just be me?

I know its natural to want to emulate someone, but ultimately you want to be more like Christ than anyone else, and Jesus does actually work on you to become a new creation rather than a copy of someone else.

Hi yes you did rhe right thing to end the friendship.Ita pretty obvious thata they dont have much interest in you and aren't willing to make ant real effort to interact with you in a way that builds you.Too much of you precious time had been wasted and they we're never gonna change.
The bible says never throw your pearls....
Meeting people who actually have a genuine interest in you is wonderful thing..you deserve more than this..the only thing to do was to get the heck outta there.
I have experienced think kinda thing do many times both in real life and on social media...I have even experienced it on here not long after I joined.People would message me here direct and for a little while we seem to get on well as friends...then once I open up they just disappeared for weeks,months some didnt even bother to read my last message to then and yet I see they are still here interacting with others etc..yet act as though I didnt even exsist..🤷‍♀️.They were like spiritual traps to cause me feelings of rejected and feeling wounded all the time.
So follow your instincts with Gods guidance.May you meet new people who are great blessings for you.

I'm very sorry that happened to you.. I can understand EXACTLY how you must have felt, and you must know exactly then, how I've felt. . .. I would say it probably was a mismatch and incompatibility with both of our situations at the very basic level.. they are not seeking the same thing in a friendship as you are, or they are incapable of being open and deep with you, or share in your burdens. . I think the friendship should be generally equal.. it doesn't have to be perfect because it can never be.. There will always be one that gives more, or talks more, just like in a marriage, there is always one partner who loves the other one more. . My mom always used to tell me the husband should always love his wife more than she loves him, the marriage will work much better.

I really do feel like I wasted my pearls with this friend).. and near the end now, I completely said the same words to myself in that I had just wasted my time.. I had stayed too long. You know what is funny? I actually broke my friendship with her several years ago.. we were friends for about 3 1/2 years the 1st time.. and then I went back to them.. I should have trusted my instinct.. Yeah, I thought maybe they would have changed but they had not, they are still the same.. But, it's really hard to meet someone who will become a good friend these days, especially with covid. I used to go to various activities at community centres and stuff , and church and bible studies.. and all of that is gone.. I sometimes remember when I was growing up, I had so many really close friendships, and I had so much fun... I really cherish those years, they really shaped me.

what do you mean by spiritual traps? Do you feel it was done on purpose?

I, too, hope that you have found a friend(s) who is a great blessing to you But you know what .. our friend Jesus Christ, our Blessed Hope, is soon to arrive down to the clouds to snatch His Bride out of this world...it won't be long now.. .

Do you mean when you are no longer yourself, and have instead become like your friend and then you realize you have falsely portrayed yourself?

Hi thanks for your reply..and yes I have noticed in life that us Christian's can have such a varied experience when it comes to friendships.Some seem to soar like eagles in regards to friendships and never have any real problems where others seem to have no friends at all for various reasons ie.. social anxiety or being surrounded by social cliques that they just can't seem to penetrate..and others can come across certain individuals who they have to walk away from.I think it's great that you were able to eventually break off the friendship and we all give people the benefit of the doubt and seek to see the best in people..but if something is proving seriously detrimental to your wellbeing best to walk away..So you gave them the benefitof the doubt and re established the friendship yet realised they hadn't changed.Not everyone we have in our lives will be good for us and we can be unequally yoked even in a friendship that is actually harmful to us.
The bible may a righteous person is cautious in friendships
What I ment by a spiritual trap is a situation where we can be in a friendship/relationship etc that is dysfunctional and has the potential to do us a lot of harm and the individual who is not good for us can make false promises of changing their behavior..or saying that they really value us...or showering us with flattery to give the impression that they genuinely esteem us.. all engineered by the enemie to keep us in that situation with the other person....when in actual truth their real motives and intentions towards us are not actually good at all...but it remains hidden.Most of the time it's the enemie seeking to harm us through people who are just not good for us yet we only find this out much later having opened ourselves to them.Also some people may just value us for what they gain from us rather than valuing us for who we are...
That's why it is good to ask God to reveal the true motives of certain people we meet because he knows more than we do and a spiritual trap is a situation we find ourselves in where we being all treated in one way or another yet remain in it for all the wrong reasons..(like I mentioned in the above about being flattered of being told they value us..so we remain in the situation not knowing we are being deceived by their words)To get out of the situation can even prove to be a struggle sometimes.
Yes I have gone through a lot over the past 2 years and had to just walk away from many things.Being taken for granted,being rejected,being manipulated etc can be subtle and yes your right about friendship being equal..
Most of the time we only have a few people who we can share our burdens with and I think it was great that you did have great friendships in the past. Yes covid has definitely affected social interaction on many levels and only God knows when things will return to normal again.
Being assertive is key because when a friendship isn't good for us you find that the one who isn't good for us seldom walks away from us it is us who has to walk away from them..so in a sense we have the keys/power to change the situation with Gods help

people say bad company corrupts good character so I suppose that might be something to it.
But then I don't know why they dont say the opposite, that good company transforms bad character.

yes well thats why you need grace.
Without grace, we just cant do anything. Im sure that as christians we need to learn to be gracious towards everyone we meet, but some people can be so proud, they will reject grace.

people say bad company corrupts good character so I suppose that might be something to it.

But then I dont know why they dont say the opposite, that good company transforms bad character.

I have an online friend for about 1 1/2 years. We have had some great moments during this time, but generally I started to feel very unhappy and no longer wanted to reach out to them. The main point being is that I was suppressing myself and conforming to them. The reason was because it hurt too much to be rejected all the time. My friend is very different than I am. They are quite closed in share a little; write a little. For instance they would write one sentence about something and that's pretty much all. They ever, if rarely, ask me about myself, and if they do it's always on a shallow subject level. They tell me that I can write about/share/complain about whatever I want, that's it's not problem for them, but most often if not all of the time, they never respond to my comments. It's like I never said anything. I used to ask them questions, maybe 1, 2 at the most, to show my interest in them as a friend, it was sincere since I am curious to learn/know more about them. I would say about 95% + of the time, the don't answer my question. I find it VER rude, personally, and it makes me feel very stupid when my question isn't answered; I feel like a fool.. This has gone on more or less since i have been their friend, however, they were much better in the beginning, and it seemed to drop off after 4- 5 months, or so.

During this time i have not been shy to tell them several times that we are very different communicators. I am very open and they are very closed. I am very curious about them and they don't demonstrate much curiosity or interest in/ about me. I have expressed as well that they don't write enough to keep the relationship going, as I can't be the only one to keep it going but nevertheless, am I really, if they don't respond to me.. It feels very much like talking to a wall. However, having said that, they have demonstrated at various times they do appreciate me and they do like me. .. at one point saying that I made them happy. I'm not sure... sometimes I 'feel' this person is very manipulative. and they are laughing behind my back. I don't know if it is true or not, but sometimes I think they are a sick person.

Recently things came to a head where I asked them some questions about their faith, when they prompted me that they wanted to friendly debate something. I agreed and when I did, they backed down and didn't answer any of my questions. They instead wrote about things that never made sense, and they gloated that they were so blessed in knowing the knowledge they did, even though they could not share it with me.

I ended up leaving the friendship. I told them again before I left that we were very different communicators, that they never answered my questions (and I asked 2-3 times) and that I didn't think there was a fix for it. What exacerbate the problem for me, is that they didn't even try to have a conversation about that - maybe by explaining why they were the way they were, or trying to dispel any wrong impressions I may have.. This all so that I could gain an understanding, at the very least. But no, they never did at all, and this just verifies the lack of connection this produces.

My point in writing is to get it off my chest because sometimes writing releases or gives new insight, but I just feel so darn bad for leaving them.
It's not an easy thing these days to have and acquire friends, and I am not a person who lets go easily. I am a very loyal person, almost to the end. H However, if I feel I am abused, I eventually have enough. But having said that as Christians, shouldn't we be patient and long suffering and shouldn't we bear each others burdens. None of us is perfect and each of us have many flaws.. It's hard to know what to do.. I am curious to know what others would do in my situation. Thank you in Advance, and Happy Easter!

Well, I think we are really Siamese twins.. as I have struggled with the fear of man for most of my life. It has been the most prevalent fear that has kept me down, and it has hurt me the most in my life. I would gather to say, maybe.. that you are a gentle and sensitive soul? I would describe myself as a chameleon, too.. I can fit and form into whatever the other person I think expects from me.. i don't like conflict, and I too have been frightened by my own personality and it's suffocating to be like that. It's true, when I suppress I hate myself.. Yes, I started to hate myself with this friend.. I couldn't do it anymore, amidst the guilty feelings. I think that if one suppresses themselves somehow people sense it and take advantage of you, and I have had lots of that. .

Your poem is beautiful, I completely get you! It's so wonderful that God wants us to be ourselves and accepts us completely as ourselves, and that He wants to hear everything on our hearts and that He never tires.. . That is very healing. I find that I have gotten much better over the years, and the Word of God has been the primary reason, but I still struggle with it, even in some faint form. It's a learned behavior, I think, that becomes a habit - a way of coping.. I believe mine stems from childhood trauma. So much of who we are was formed in our early years.

Thank you for sharing, it was very helpful for me.. . and a reminder to never suppress myself again... that it's an alert signal that something is very wrong.. . I am so happy you were freed from this..

Their small church in which their brother(s) preach, believes in the 'Mid Acts Dispensationalism' doctrine. I googled it and it described it as "rare but growing.. " So they believe that only the books of Paul are valid for study and 'for us' (they believe in grace through faith alone salvation, which I agree). All other books in OT and NT are for Israel they say, and they are only for information purposes. They are not to be cross referenced, or studied for any benefit because they are 'not for us'.. This means that they do not consider any of the prophesies, including the book of Revelation as 'for us' or benefit to us, either. They believe that the Bride of Christ is Israel and not the Church. 'This is how they 'rightly divide the Word."

I was shocked that they wrote me in capital letters even, how blessed they were in knowing how to rightly dividing the Word, but yet could not explain what they believed, especially when they said the revelation for this doctrine came on their own. Their 1st excuse was that they didn't want to write me a novel.. and then suggested that I should go on Skype so that their brother can answer just some very simple questions I had about their beliefs.. yes/no.. I really didn't want more than that. I didn't want to be indoctrinated. I really feel they are brainwashed. .. they write notes from their Brother's bible studies, and sometimes sends them to me... and even before I knew all this information (I never really knew) I always got a sense that it was just that - just notes. I sensed they had no conviction...

I could send a video, but feel a little hesitant because of my disclosure here... I did some research, and looked up the main pastor of the church and he is listed on a few websites as teaching heresy.. so I feel like I was making a truthful assessment.

Thanks

people say bad company corrupts good character so I suppose that might be something to it.
But then I dont know why they dont say the opposite, that good company transforms bad character.

I think that it generally very true...the Bible actually says that, doesn't it?

I think that good company can transform bad character, but it is much harder and much slower, 'if' it happens. .