Single forever

Why can't you just be friends with her and in time see where things go? I am not understanding why this seems impossible.

If she doesn't want to date me now I have no reason to think she will in the future as my issues will likely get worse.

Thats not how things work. You have to let go of control, give it to God and then see what happens. It may or may not work out. You wont know till you try. It may be painful but also the opposite is possible. It all depends on whether you are willing to take the risk.
Btw, I am learning to let go of control too, I can't stand it nevertheless it is something I know I need to do because it is only then that you can experience true freedom.
Take the risk and see where it brings you.

Okay fine. I get burned all time, you think I'd be used to it. My biggest issue is how quickly my attitude towards her changed when i found out she might still want to date me. Than when just now found out she probably doesn't I got very bitter towards her again 🤦‍♂️ My feelings toward her seem to be pretty shallow if im willing to cut ties so easily...sigh this is probably why she doesn't want to date, im an awful person.

Seeing you describe yourself in this way, I doubt whether you are prone to violence

Okay fine. I get burned all time, you think I'd be used to it. My biggest issue is how quickly my attitude towards her changed when i found out she might still want to date me. Than when just now found out she probably doesn't I got very bitter towards her again 🤦‍♂️ My feelings toward her seem to be pretty shallow if im willing to cut ties so easily...sigh this is probably why she doesn't want to date, im an awful person.

Sounds like you just felt hurt and then of course the enemy loves to jump in and remind you of the past.Maybe you have to learn to deal with it differently. Treat her as a friend limiting your time with her so feelings dont increase. Sort of stand back as a third party in a sense and see what she is all about and if she is a good match for you. Sounds like you are just running on emotions atm and they can change multiple times a day.
What if you had your way and married her only to find out that you really dont like her and she is not a good match. The first thing you will think is why didn't I wait and then the problems begin much more than what you are experiencing now.

What exactly is the rush?

I have multiple medical issues and it feels like im running out of time. I also have an addiction that is difficult to control and I thought getting married would help.

That's why alot of people rush into marriage and thats why alot of marriages dont work out. They satisfy one need without digging a little deeper to see whether they are a good match. I think just be friends and see what develops.

I understand that. I also know that its possible that they dump me for the person I used to be. (Believe it or not I was actually worse at one point 🤦‍♂️) precisely why I detest myself so much.

I have multiple medical issues and it feels like im running out of time. I also have an addiction that is difficult to control and I thought getting married would help.

...ah. Well I was starting to feel better about this but now im back to extremely depressed...

Not trying to bring you down or anything just was calling it as i saw it from past experiences and mistakes that ive made, and i am
just saying because usually women who cater to shallow dudes comments/attention and whatnot are almost always shallow themselves... On the flip side you probably aren't missing anything, shes probably cheating with the dude shes with anyways. You should
find you a more wholesome virtuous female anyways, but at the same time you're also going to have to rise up to be on her level though.

Not trying to bring you down or anything just was calling it as i saw it from past experiences and mistakes that ive made, and i am
just saying because usually women who cater to shallow dudes comments/attention and whatnot are almost always shallow themselves... On the flip side you probably aren't missing anything, shes probably cheating with the dude shes with anyways. You should
find you a more wholesome virtuous female anyways, but at the same time you're also going to have to rise up to be on her level though.

Well shes very nice and from what I've seen she isn't dating anyone. She actually asked me on a date because I was rather down at the time. She lives quite far from me so we were going to do a virtual coffee date. Honestly at this point I think she could have thought she was doing me a favor and was being helpful. If thats the case I really cant be mad at her and she said she really wants to be friends. I think It may have just been me being to reading to much into it 🤷‍♂️🤦‍♂️ I really dont know...

everything start from friends.................Don't think about too much.................Let this move forward.

I met her on a Christian dating group (which I quit as I find it depressing)

..So she comes from a dating group, asks you on a virtual date and then flakes, but still wants to be friends...If she never wants
to go on cam that's probably a catfish.