Hello all,
I am new here, but I joined so that I could receive prayer from my Christian brothers and sisters. Since Covid, we haven’t been to church and it is taking its toll.
I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 9. He is from India and I’m American so there are vast cultural differences, but he did give his heart to the Lord before we were married. there has always existed in him This need to control me and when I would stand up for myself, he would be offended and internalize this as if I had wounded him. We have dealt with this from the beginning and he has apologized and promised it would never happen again, etc.
there is so much to write, but I’ll keep it simple. I’m a faithful and loyal wife. I have spent this marriage loving my husband more than my own life, giving him everything he has wanted. I took a backseat and put a hold on everything so that he could further his life and career. his true battle is his ambition. It takes him away from his family, makes him tired and stressed, and yet he always wants more. Obviously, he struggles to walk with the Lord though he claims to be a christian and to love God. He doesn’t read, doesn’t attend church, so the intention is there, but not the relationship.
Hes gotten To a point where he’s always mean and picking at me. If I address this and he’s in the mood, he’ll apologize, say he doesn’t know why he does it, say I’m the most incredible person he’s ever known, doesn’t deserve me, etc. if he’s not in the mood or is overcome with the discouragement of it all, he will completely shut down, he’ll go numb, be very cold and cruel. Will actually look me in the face and tell me he doesn’t want to talk, he needs his peace, is fine if we aren’t together.
it’s a hard thing to have someone tell you that you are their soulmate and then 24 hours later, is accusing you of all the things they are actually doing. he doesn’t like being accountable. it was our anniversary on the 24th. I begged him this year to give me a nice anniversary, and a nice thanksgiving because, for some reason, he destroys every single event day. He told me Monday he was sorry for everything and would do everything to give me a memorable week. on the 23rd, he was back to picking on me. I had had enough and asked why he did it. I went so far as to say “do you even love me.?” To which he replied “of course. I can’t live without you.” But then he started to get cold and do that thing where he stares at the roof or the wall, basically what a toddler does when you scold them. I should have known he wasn’t in the mood to be accountable. It’s a mood thing and I can always tell when it’s going to go south. I just can’t stand a bully and after weeks of patience, I just have to stand up for myself. Culturally, this doesn’t work for him. Needless to say, he didn’t come straight home after work On our anniversary. Saw him around 9pm. That was my anniversary. then on thanksgiving morning, he was gone. He left without a word and was gone for 2 days.
when I finally got him on the phone Saturday (after 20 calls), he said I was destroying this relationship, that I took his peace. I tried to reason with him as I often do, telling him this was impossible, that just Monday, he told me I was his blessing, his soulmate, his everything. It isn’t possible and uncharacteristic that I could become this creature he imagined. Basically, he’s mad that I couldn’t take the bullying, stood up for myself, called him out. So he builds this reality in which I BECOME all the things he’s actually doing to me.
I lost both grandparents this summer, most important people in my world. I lost a cousin in an auto accident and my uncle just before. It has been hard. But it has made me really value what little time we have here. That it can be gone any minute. I’ve loved my husband unconditionally and despite his failings. I’ve cared for his soul as I do right now as I type this. i finally got him back home, but he wants to ignore me. I told him I can’t go on living like this. That if he doesn’t value my life, then he should just leave me. when he does actually speak, he says that I’ve thrown him away and he’s tired of me telling him I’m going to leave him and tired of me yelling at him. Then he actually gets tears in his eyes... his brain must truly believe he is being victimized (Which he will apologize for later).
first, I’m not an angry person. At all. Very patient. But I do come to a point with my husband where I’ve had enough and then I tell him. My anger is justified. I’m never cruel and I never say mean things. My voice is elevated but I’m always in control. He admits this later, but at the time, he sees me as yelling at him.
second, I don’t threaten him with divorce. I tell him that he has to change or I don’t know how we’ll survive. I’m not secure in our marriage and I never know when he’ll actually go so far that he can’t come back. He tells me this will never happen, we’re together forever. And then this will happen and he’ll actually Leave and tell me he’s done.
im a strong woman. Like everyone here, I’ve been through a lot. As my husband often tells me, I’m kind, patient, loving. And Im selfless. I guess that’s why my husband has stayed so long... because he is not.
I told my husband today that I can’t do it anymore. If he truly loves me, then he must put things in place that will keep him accountable, I.e. connecting with a pastor, having Christian brothers who can encourage and pray when he is in these moments. He gets away with so much because no one sees it happening and he only has me to face which doesn’t matter to him anymore. If he doesn’t love me, then I asked him to leave me. Because I obviously can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t love me. He nodded his head as if it was no problem what I was saying. he is completely disconnected. I have tears in my eyes and he says “I’m not doing anything to you.”
i Know how this all sounds. One would wonder why i love him at all. He’s always had this anger and he would throw these fits. where he’s from, it’s not a good thing for the woman to stand up for herself. Even though he has sisters and he cares when their husbands do this to them. But he has gotten worse, as people tend to do. He needs the Lord, a real relationship. And I’m falling apart doing his job, keeping everything together. I need your prayer. I don’t believe divorce is an option outside of infidelity. But this is his pattern. I’m never secure. I’m never free to express how I feel because if I do, he’ll punish me, leave me with our toddler, not Answer my calls, go stay in an Airbnb. So I’m not free to feel at all.
i regard this as emotional abuse and yes, a pastor needs to be involved. But he doesn’t care about that right now. He’s at a point where he’s saying the marriage is done.
im shellshocked. It’s just not normal to have someone telling you how wonderful you are and then saying they are done because YOU can’t control yourself.
please just pray. im So tired, so hopeless at times. I’ve failed to get my husband into church. I’d be able to call a pastor right now if we were in fellowship. I’m broken-hearted because we are one and we are divided. I even said that today “we are one, aren’t we?” He looked at me and said “no.” My love is real, unconditional. I feel really alone.
pray that his eyes be opened and the God works on his heart. Pray that I find a way to just be quiet and let God do the work. It’s not healthy to be ignored in your home, and for my toddler to see that, but the alternative is to say “you don’t have the right to treat me this way” and my husband will just continue to ignore or reply with “I don’t feel like talking.” we don’t actually ever argue. He goes into this numb place. If I get upset, he’ll just retreat and not answer. if i Were to ask him to leave, he would happily go.
Thank you for reading. It is hard to write about something complex. But I’m a ChristIan and I need your prayers. And so does my husband. Because eternity with the Lord is the most valuable thing. Love you all.
I am new here, but I joined so that I could receive prayer from my Christian brothers and sisters. Since Covid, we haven’t been to church and it is taking its toll.
I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 9. He is from India and I’m American so there are vast cultural differences, but he did give his heart to the Lord before we were married. there has always existed in him This need to control me and when I would stand up for myself, he would be offended and internalize this as if I had wounded him. We have dealt with this from the beginning and he has apologized and promised it would never happen again, etc.
there is so much to write, but I’ll keep it simple. I’m a faithful and loyal wife. I have spent this marriage loving my husband more than my own life, giving him everything he has wanted. I took a backseat and put a hold on everything so that he could further his life and career. his true battle is his ambition. It takes him away from his family, makes him tired and stressed, and yet he always wants more. Obviously, he struggles to walk with the Lord though he claims to be a christian and to love God. He doesn’t read, doesn’t attend church, so the intention is there, but not the relationship.
Hes gotten To a point where he’s always mean and picking at me. If I address this and he’s in the mood, he’ll apologize, say he doesn’t know why he does it, say I’m the most incredible person he’s ever known, doesn’t deserve me, etc. if he’s not in the mood or is overcome with the discouragement of it all, he will completely shut down, he’ll go numb, be very cold and cruel. Will actually look me in the face and tell me he doesn’t want to talk, he needs his peace, is fine if we aren’t together.
it’s a hard thing to have someone tell you that you are their soulmate and then 24 hours later, is accusing you of all the things they are actually doing. he doesn’t like being accountable. it was our anniversary on the 24th. I begged him this year to give me a nice anniversary, and a nice thanksgiving because, for some reason, he destroys every single event day. He told me Monday he was sorry for everything and would do everything to give me a memorable week. on the 23rd, he was back to picking on me. I had had enough and asked why he did it. I went so far as to say “do you even love me.?” To which he replied “of course. I can’t live without you.” But then he started to get cold and do that thing where he stares at the roof or the wall, basically what a toddler does when you scold them. I should have known he wasn’t in the mood to be accountable. It’s a mood thing and I can always tell when it’s going to go south. I just can’t stand a bully and after weeks of patience, I just have to stand up for myself. Culturally, this doesn’t work for him. Needless to say, he didn’t come straight home after work On our anniversary. Saw him around 9pm. That was my anniversary. then on thanksgiving morning, he was gone. He left without a word and was gone for 2 days.
when I finally got him on the phone Saturday (after 20 calls), he said I was destroying this relationship, that I took his peace. I tried to reason with him as I often do, telling him this was impossible, that just Monday, he told me I was his blessing, his soulmate, his everything. It isn’t possible and uncharacteristic that I could become this creature he imagined. Basically, he’s mad that I couldn’t take the bullying, stood up for myself, called him out. So he builds this reality in which I BECOME all the things he’s actually doing to me.
I lost both grandparents this summer, most important people in my world. I lost a cousin in an auto accident and my uncle just before. It has been hard. But it has made me really value what little time we have here. That it can be gone any minute. I’ve loved my husband unconditionally and despite his failings. I’ve cared for his soul as I do right now as I type this. i finally got him back home, but he wants to ignore me. I told him I can’t go on living like this. That if he doesn’t value my life, then he should just leave me. when he does actually speak, he says that I’ve thrown him away and he’s tired of me telling him I’m going to leave him and tired of me yelling at him. Then he actually gets tears in his eyes... his brain must truly believe he is being victimized (Which he will apologize for later).
first, I’m not an angry person. At all. Very patient. But I do come to a point with my husband where I’ve had enough and then I tell him. My anger is justified. I’m never cruel and I never say mean things. My voice is elevated but I’m always in control. He admits this later, but at the time, he sees me as yelling at him.
second, I don’t threaten him with divorce. I tell him that he has to change or I don’t know how we’ll survive. I’m not secure in our marriage and I never know when he’ll actually go so far that he can’t come back. He tells me this will never happen, we’re together forever. And then this will happen and he’ll actually Leave and tell me he’s done.
im a strong woman. Like everyone here, I’ve been through a lot. As my husband often tells me, I’m kind, patient, loving. And Im selfless. I guess that’s why my husband has stayed so long... because he is not.
I told my husband today that I can’t do it anymore. If he truly loves me, then he must put things in place that will keep him accountable, I.e. connecting with a pastor, having Christian brothers who can encourage and pray when he is in these moments. He gets away with so much because no one sees it happening and he only has me to face which doesn’t matter to him anymore. If he doesn’t love me, then I asked him to leave me. Because I obviously can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t love me. He nodded his head as if it was no problem what I was saying. he is completely disconnected. I have tears in my eyes and he says “I’m not doing anything to you.”
i Know how this all sounds. One would wonder why i love him at all. He’s always had this anger and he would throw these fits. where he’s from, it’s not a good thing for the woman to stand up for herself. Even though he has sisters and he cares when their husbands do this to them. But he has gotten worse, as people tend to do. He needs the Lord, a real relationship. And I’m falling apart doing his job, keeping everything together. I need your prayer. I don’t believe divorce is an option outside of infidelity. But this is his pattern. I’m never secure. I’m never free to express how I feel because if I do, he’ll punish me, leave me with our toddler, not Answer my calls, go stay in an Airbnb. So I’m not free to feel at all.
i regard this as emotional abuse and yes, a pastor needs to be involved. But he doesn’t care about that right now. He’s at a point where he’s saying the marriage is done.
im shellshocked. It’s just not normal to have someone telling you how wonderful you are and then saying they are done because YOU can’t control yourself.
please just pray. im So tired, so hopeless at times. I’ve failed to get my husband into church. I’d be able to call a pastor right now if we were in fellowship. I’m broken-hearted because we are one and we are divided. I even said that today “we are one, aren’t we?” He looked at me and said “no.” My love is real, unconditional. I feel really alone.
pray that his eyes be opened and the God works on his heart. Pray that I find a way to just be quiet and let God do the work. It’s not healthy to be ignored in your home, and for my toddler to see that, but the alternative is to say “you don’t have the right to treat me this way” and my husband will just continue to ignore or reply with “I don’t feel like talking.” we don’t actually ever argue. He goes into this numb place. If I get upset, he’ll just retreat and not answer. if i Were to ask him to leave, he would happily go.
Thank you for reading. It is hard to write about something complex. But I’m a ChristIan and I need your prayers. And so does my husband. Because eternity with the Lord is the most valuable thing. Love you all.
-
3
- Show all
