Emotional affair..... should I tell my husband?

Hazelelponi · May 1, 2022

A few years ago I found porn on my husbands computer, including conversations on a site that required "tokens" which you had to purchase in order to send messages.
Needless to say this caused a lot of strain on our marriage, especially after confronting him, being told I'm nuts, and in denial, and even walked in catching him when his screen froze, then he quickly tried to open a new window as I came in, but as fate would have it the frozen screen even though couldn't be seen, unfroze and could be heard.
Well, life went on, he got help, grew in his relationship with the Lord, and I honestly don't believe this to be an issue for him anymore.

During that time I found myself on a Christian site similar to this. I never talked about my personal life or marriage or anything like that, but it did say on my profile "married", I never tried to hide that. It became my favorite place to spend time, and while there I ended up in a private conversation with another man (widower) He was a great guy, and seemed like all the things my husband lacks this man had (such as sensitivity, and emotion, and listening/well reading & responding to what I had to say, which felt like listening since my husband has a bad habit of cutting me off mid sentence no matter what we're talking about).

Anyway, over time I began imagining what life with this man could/would be like..........
not that I would divorce my husband to run off with some stranger on the internet, but just thoughts like "what if something happens to my husband and I find myself a widow....... would this man become a love interest/ what kind of father would he be to my kids"......... or "what if I never married husband, and met this man while single?" thoughts like that.
He was always telling me how much/highly he thought of me. It felt like he was my best friend, and he told me I was his.

Anyways, one night as we were both saying "time for bed, talk to you later" I found myself saying "I love you!"
I did not type to him (we had only communicated through that site, never personal emails or phone) but it was in my head, and then in my heart, and whispered from my lips, and I was surprised. I thought it was a weird fluke, but the next time we chatted I found myself thinking it again. And thinking it throughout the day when we weren't chatting.

My husband likes to listen to "soft rock" radio stations, "the best of the 80's, 90's and today".........
I found hearing songs like Selena- I could fall in love with you......... that NEVER made me swoon for anyone, suddenly was making me think of him.
And honestly found myself thinking if I wasn't careful that I could/would fall in love.

I didn't know how to bring this up to him, I never did. I just never went back to that site.
I feel so torn up over it. It's been several months, and I feel like I owe him an explanation, but I'm afraid if I go back and reconnect that either 1) he'll ignore me or 2) we'll reconnect and things possibly go further, past boundaries, and I honestly don't want to go there.

My husband had the radio on today, Whitney Huston "I'll always love you" came on.
Again, not a song that's ever affected me but now it did. I almost burst into tears and had to leave the room.
My husband asked me if I was alright (not usually something he used to do) and I had a hard time answering "yep, I'm fine"

I just wonder if I should let things go, or if I should tell my husband what has been going on?
Things have gotten better for/with us, and I'm afraid if I tell him that it's not going to be taken well.

Advice?

It's a good possibility that in telling your husband you'll destroy your marriage for good.

That's just honest, because it's adultery plain and simple and marriages almost never get through that.

Your guilt should stop you from ever doing such a thing again, and yes, it's better that you stay forever away from that site and work on your marriage.

Completely deleting that account is best.

I am married and talk to my Christian brothers online but it never goes beyond seeing them as dear brothers, there's a line, and clearly you don't have the ability to see it and stop yourself from ever crossing it, but at least you can forgive and forget your husband's weakness now, so there is that.

Work on your marriage. Period. Fantasy is rarely anything like reality, and a man who would allow the proper lines to be crossed with a married woman isn't exactly the best Christian brother you could have anyway, and likely a worse spouse.

Mem · May 1, 2022

If we condemned ourselves for our thoughts, we'd all be perpetually in a miserable state... I mean, I think I might've murdered someone yesterday... but I quickly repented of it, before I actually carried out the act that is.

God says, "Draw close to me and I will draw close to you." And marriage probably works similarly. These previous indiscretious? events from either party are indications this intimacy in the relation is left wanting. It seems there is a glint of hope appearing in the (uncharacteristic?) interest in her emotional state, which shows a start of the attentiveness otherwise found elsewhere. And likewise. although I'm not trying to excuse any dis-ease, since there is always remedy in the care and wisdom of Christ available to anyone that efforts to reach for it, as his 'reaching' elsewhere indicates an inattentiveness on the other part also.

ChristianTonyB · May 1, 2022

TheIndianGirl said:

This is what Jesus said:
"but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.". I think it's safe to say that the converse would also apply.

I realise that the word 'lust' is usually related to strong sexual desire, but it can also be used in a context such as lusting or yearning after a thing. From what the OP said and admitted to, she was well advanced in entertaining thoughts that were harmful to her marriage, thus adulterating it, as also her husband had done.

Both at fault, both need to fix!

sonshine · May 1, 2022

Wow... that's a lot of responses and stuff to read.
Thank you everyone.

I should make one thing clear though, he NEVER crossed any lines as far as conversations go, no conversations were ever sexual or anything like that. Just 2 "friends" chatting about life, church and random things. For all I know, this feeling is completely one sided.
Seems to be a lot of mixed responses here, interesting responses too. But they all seem to be saying the same thing, I've been wrong, and need to stop and move on......... and how moving on happens I guess I'll have to pray more about.

Thanks everyone.

arthurfleminger · May 1, 2022

It is sad to see that pornography has become mainstream among Christian men. A lot of men think that it is a private choice and that they aren't hurting anyone. That couldn't be further from the truth.

When a man begins watching pornography, he spends money on it. This supports the porn industry and helps it to grow. The man watching pornography for his entertainment pleasure is degrading the porn actors and viewing them as sex objects who gratify the watcher for money. There is no one in the world who would want any of their family members to be filmed having sex, for the entertainment pleasure of others, no one. The pornography industry that the viewer is giving his money to is also involved in other nefarious activities such as drugs and child pornography. For sure, the porn industry targets children as part of their viewing market, catch them at an early age. There is no depths of evil to which pornography won't stoop to get rich.

It is not a private sin. Those that perform in the sex videos are damaged severely both emotionally and in their relationship with God and other people. Women are often abused by porn viewers who desire what they see in the videos. And pornography creates a desire for craven and unprotected sex and unwanted babies who'll end up in the abortion mills. Wives will suffer as they will be abused and won't be able to deliver the sexual fantasies their husbands have grown to desire. Families and their children will suffer. Here is a good article on the negative effects of pornography in our country:

The Effect Of Pornography On Families - Human Defense

And, of course, the souls of the viewers, performers, and producers are in jeopardy.

Jesus cites another Commandment, and addresses adultery:
You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

As I previously stated, pornography is not a sickness nor an addiction. It is a sin against God and our brothers and sisters. Yet, this is what so many Christian men choose.

GardenofWeeden · May 1, 2022

arthurfleminger said:

It is sad to see that pornography has become mainstream among Christian men. A lot of men think that it is a private choice and that they aren't hurting anyone. That couldn't be further from the truth.

When a man begins watching pornography, he spends money on it. This supports the porn industry and helps it to grow. The man watching pornography for his entertainment pleasure is degrading the porn actors and viewing them as sex objects who gratify the watcher for money. There is no one in the world who would want any of their family members to be filmed having sex, for the entertainment pleasure of others, no one. The pornography industry that the viewer is giving his money to is also involved in other nefarious activities such as drugs and child pornography. For sure, the porn industry targets children as part of their viewing market, catch them at an early age. There is no depths of evil to which pornography won't stoop to get rich.

It is not a private sin. Those that perform in the sex videos are damaged severely both emotionally and in their relationship with God and other people. Women are often abused by porn viewers who desire what they see in the videos. And pornography creates a desire for craven and unprotected sex and unwanted babies who'll end up in the abortion mills. Wives will suffer as they will be abused and won't be able to deliver the sexual fantasies their husbands have grown to desire. Families and their children will suffer. Here is a good article on the negative effects of pornography in our country:

The Effect Of Pornography On Families - Human Defense

And, of course, the souls of the viewers, performers, and producers are in jeopardy.

Jesus cites another Commandment, and addresses adultery:
You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.

As I previously stated, pornography is not a sickness nor an addiction. It is a sin against God and our brothers and sisters. Yet, this is what so many Christian men choose.

Unfortunately it's not just men who suffer from the affliction of porn. Women are just as guilty as sad as it is.

blueluna5 · May 1, 2022

sonshine said:

A few years ago I found porn on my husbands computer, including conversations on a site that required "tokens" which you had to purchase in order to send messages.
Needless to say this caused a lot of strain on our marriage, especially after confronting him, being told I'm nuts, and in denial, and even walked in catching him when his screen froze, then he quickly tried to open a new window as I came in, but as fate would have it the frozen screen even though couldn't be seen, unfroze and could be heard.
Well, life went on, he got help, grew in his relationship with the Lord, and I honestly don't believe this to be an issue for him anymore.

During that time I found myself on a Christian site similar to this. I never talked about my personal life or marriage or anything like that, but it did say on my profile "married", I never tried to hide that. It became my favorite place to spend time, and while there I ended up in a private conversation with another man (widower) He was a great guy, and seemed like all the things my husband lacks this man had (such as sensitivity, and emotion, and listening/well reading & responding to what I had to say, which felt like listening since my husband has a bad habit of cutting me off mid sentence no matter what we're talking about).

Anyway, over time I began imagining what life with this man could/would be like..........
not that I would divorce my husband to run off with some stranger on the internet, but just thoughts like "what if something happens to my husband and I find myself a widow....... would this man become a love interest/ what kind of father would he be to my kids"......... or "what if I never married husband, and met this man while single?" thoughts like that.
He was always telling me how much/highly he thought of me. It felt like he was my best friend, and he told me I was his.

Anyways, one night as we were both saying "time for bed, talk to you later" I found myself saying "I love you!"
I did not type to him (we had only communicated through that site, never personal emails or phone) but it was in my head, and then in my heart, and whispered from my lips, and I was surprised. I thought it was a weird fluke, but the next time we chatted I found myself thinking it again. And thinking it throughout the day when we weren't chatting.

My husband likes to listen to "soft rock" radio stations, "the best of the 80's, 90's and today".........
I found hearing songs like Selena- I could fall in love with you......... that NEVER made me swoon for anyone, suddenly was making me think of him.
And honestly found myself thinking if I wasn't careful that I could/would fall in love.

I didn't know how to bring this up to him, I never did. I just never went back to that site.
I feel so torn up over it. It's been several months, and I feel like I owe him an explanation, but I'm afraid if I go back and reconnect that either 1) he'll ignore me or 2) we'll reconnect and things possibly go further, past boundaries, and I honestly don't want to go there.

My husband had the radio on today, Whitney Huston "I'll always love you" came on.
Again, not a song that's ever affected me but now it did. I almost burst into tears and had to leave the room.
My husband asked me if I was alright (not usually something he used to do) and I had a hard time answering "yep, I'm fine"

I just wonder if I should let things go, or if I should tell my husband what has been going on?
Things have gotten better for/with us, and I'm afraid if I tell him that it's not going to be taken well.

Advice?

I wouldn't tell him and let it go as well. All that you have with the other man is just in your mind. You don't even know him. More than likely he's just depressed and looking for someone to talk to. Again not anything permanent.

If you tell your husband you will probably end up divorced or at least it would put a strain on your marriage.

SomeDisciple · May 1, 2022

sonshine said:

The fact that you hypothesized about the death of your husband seems bad on the surface; but unless you really find yourself wishing that he was dead so that you could marry some other man; I'd say you haven't been disloyal. Your going to have feelings about people that aren't your husband. Your husband probably knows that- but unless he asks, I wouldn't bring up the details...
Do you want him to report every feeling of physical or emotional attraction that he has for women? And report every feeling that becomes an imagination? Do you want to know the detail of every imagination and how long it took him to cast it down? Probably not.

sonshine said:

This is what has to be addressed. Unless you're some kind of motor-mouth filibusterer, that he has to cut you off in order to speak with you normally. Either way; one of you needs to learn some manners.

But, I want you to re-imagine what you think your husband "lacks". People have emotions. What you really mean, is that he doesn't express them how you expect or want him to. There are a million reasons why that might be- but him not having emotions is very, very, likely not one of those reasons. Find out why; but be objective with your investigation, considering that you may do things that are emotional turn-offs. He doesn't meet your expectations. You might not meet his. Communicate. Figure it out.

2ndTimothyGroup · May 3, 2022

I once heard a well-respected person state that to tell another of such things would never accomplish anything good in a relationship. And to me, it makes sense. I can't think of one thing, or way, in which admitting such ideas would strengthen a relationship. If anything, such revelations would only weaken a relationship.

soberxp · May 3, 2022

First of all, we are brothers and sisters in Christ, if the like and love between brothers and sisters is also an unspeakable weakness, then what is the point of everything? You should tell yourself that you should treat him as your brother, as the Bible says that our boys should treat girls like sisters.

I hope you understand the difference and adjust your feelings to the right place.

BeeThePeace · May 3, 2022

sonshine said:

A few years ago I found porn on my husbands computer, including conversations on a site that required "tokens" which you had to purchase in order to send messages.
Needless to say this caused a lot of strain on our marriage, especially after confronting him, being told I'm nuts, and in denial, and even walked in catching him when his screen froze, then he quickly tried to open a new window as I came in, but as fate would have it the frozen screen even though couldn't be seen, unfroze and could be heard.
Well, life went on, he got help, grew in his relationship with the Lord, and I honestly don't believe this to be an issue for him anymore.

During that time I found myself on a Christian site similar to this. I never talked about my personal life or marriage or anything like that, but it did say on my profile "married", I never tried to hide that. It became my favorite place to spend time, and while there I ended up in a private conversation with another man (widower) He was a great guy, and seemed like all the things my husband lacks this man had (such as sensitivity, and emotion, and listening/well reading & responding to what I had to say, which felt like listening since my husband has a bad habit of cutting me off mid sentence no matter what we're talking about).

Anyway, over time I began imagining what life with this man could/would be like..........
not that I would divorce my husband to run off with some stranger on the internet, but just thoughts like "what if something happens to my husband and I find myself a widow....... would this man become a love interest/ what kind of father would he be to my kids"......... or "what if I never married husband, and met this man while single?" thoughts like that.
He was always telling me how much/highly he thought of me. It felt like he was my best friend, and he told me I was his.

Anyways, one night as we were both saying "time for bed, talk to you later" I found myself saying "I love you!"
I did not type to him (we had only communicated through that site, never personal emails or phone) but it was in my head, and then in my heart, and whispered from my lips, and I was surprised. I thought it was a weird fluke, but the next time we chatted I found myself thinking it again. And thinking it throughout the day when we weren't chatting.

My husband likes to listen to "soft rock" radio stations, "the best of the 80's, 90's and today".........
I found hearing songs like Selena- I could fall in love with you......... that NEVER made me swoon for anyone, suddenly was making me think of him.
And honestly found myself thinking if I wasn't careful that I could/would fall in love.

I didn't know how to bring this up to him, I never did. I just never went back to that site.
I feel so torn up over it. It's been several months, and I feel like I owe him an explanation, but I'm afraid if I go back and reconnect that either 1) he'll ignore me or 2) we'll reconnect and things possibly go further, past boundaries, and I honestly don't want to go there.

My husband had the radio on today, Whitney Huston "I'll always love you" came on.
Again, not a song that's ever affected me but now it did. I almost burst into tears and had to leave the room.
My husband asked me if I was alright (not usually something he used to do) and I had a hard time answering "yep, I'm fine"

I just wonder if I should let things go, or if I should tell my husband what has been going on?
Things have gotten better for/with us, and I'm afraid if I tell him that it's not going to be taken well.

Advice?

No, don't tell your husband. There's a chance he'll think this is payback for his emotional cheating.

Or, maybe you and your husband should have a really deep joint introspection regarding your marriage.

And consider you'll be spending decades in the future together when it seems like you both at different times have demonstrated you want out.

For many Christians I know, their faith is a form of slavery.
So too their marriage. Because it is carved out of that same rock.
One God, wife,husband, forever no matter what.

Lanolin · May 4, 2022

let it go, delete the account and focus on loving your husband

you and your husband both been tempted, so I think you sort of know how each other can feel now. You dont owe the online guy any explanation at all...cos he already knows you are married!

Do something special with your own husband and not anyone elses.

listenyoumustAll · May 4, 2022

sonshine said:

A few years ago I found porn on my husbands computer, including conversations on a site that required "tokens" which you had to purchase in order to send messages.
Needless to say this caused a lot of strain on our marriage, especially after confronting him, being told I'm nuts, and in denial, and even walked in catching him when his screen froze, then he quickly tried to open a new window as I came in, but as fate would have it the frozen screen even though couldn't be seen, unfroze and could be heard.
Well, life went on, he got help, grew in his relationship with the Lord, and I honestly don't believe this to be an issue for him anymore.

During that time I found myself on a Christian site similar to this. I never talked about my personal life or marriage or anything like that, but it did say on my profile "married", I never tried to hide that. It became my favorite place to spend time, and while there I ended up in a private conversation with another man (widower) He was a great guy, and seemed like all the things my husband lacks this man had (such as sensitivity, and emotion, and listening/well reading & responding to what I had to say, which felt like listening since my husband has a bad habit of cutting me off mid sentence no matter what we're talking about).

Anyway, over time I began imagining what life with this man could/would be like..........
not that I would divorce my husband to run off with some stranger on the internet, but just thoughts like "what if something happens to my husband and I find myself a widow....... would this man become a love interest/ what kind of father would he be to my kids"......... or "what if I never married husband, and met this man while single?" thoughts like that.
He was always telling me how much/highly he thought of me. It felt like he was my best friend, and he told me I was his.

Anyways, one night as we were both saying "time for bed, talk to you later" I found myself saying "I love you!"
I did not type to him (we had only communicated through that site, never personal emails or phone) but it was in my head, and then in my heart, and whispered from my lips, and I was surprised. I thought it was a weird fluke, but the next time we chatted I found myself thinking it again. And thinking it throughout the day when we weren't chatting.

My husband likes to listen to "soft rock" radio stations, "the best of the 80's, 90's and today".........
I found hearing songs like Selena- I could fall in love with you......... that NEVER made me swoon for anyone, suddenly was making me think of him.
And honestly found myself thinking if I wasn't careful that I could/would fall in love.

I didn't know how to bring this up to him, I never did. I just never went back to that site.
I feel so torn up over it. It's been several months, and I feel like I owe him an explanation, but I'm afraid if I go back and reconnect that either 1) he'll ignore me or 2) we'll reconnect and things possibly go further, past boundaries, and I honestly don't want to go there.

My husband had the radio on today, Whitney Huston "I'll always love you" came on.
Again, not a song that's ever affected me but now it did. I almost burst into tears and had to leave the room.
My husband asked me if I was alright (not usually something he used to do) and I had a hard time answering "yep, I'm fine"

I just wonder if I should let things go, or if I should tell my husband what has been going on?
Things have gotten better for/with us, and I'm afraid if I tell him that it's not going to be taken well.

Advice?

My sister sorry for all you have had to go through. You have done well to not visit the site. As for Your husband has discovered the mystery through your countenance, I believe it would be well for you and your husband to talk on time management together. You and your husband have spent enough time doing individual activities.. Note this man on the date site is your side of the dysfunction.. Imagine his side? I pray his well in Jesus name. You can tell him your testimony when this blows over. Stay blessed

justahumanbeing · May 6, 2022

sonshine said:

There's nothing wrong in falling in love with someone. It's the most natural thing in the world. But you have to be careful when you're married. Your husband bears half the hardship with you in your life. He bears the cross with you and you with him. He's the one who would stand for you when all hell breaks loose. Someone outside would stand with you. Could stand with you. But you have to think what you stand for in your life. What do you want for your family, for your husband and for your kids.

An emotional friend is just that. An emotional friend. That friend hasn't been battle tested like your husband is.

A natural father is irreplaceable for the natural kids. Taking that away from them means they will suffer. Very badly. No other father can take that place completely.

This is a very delicate think to convey to your husband. You have to resolve your feelings for your friend online. You cannot have both your online friend and your husband. Because you can only have one such lover. That is how marriages work before our God.

Letting go of the man you love for your husband could hurt like ripping your own arm off. It's better to enter heaven with one arm than to go to hell with both arms.

Going back to your online friend means you would be interfering in his life while you already have a life. He doesn't have a life. He has to go find one and that's not going to happen unless you let him go.

I don't have all the answers for you. I wish you all the best in your life. You're old enough to make the best decisions in your life.

What Jesus would want for you is to stay with your husband and your kids.

For the record. There are no perfect men. All men are flawed. You're lucky to have a man. Have kids. You're lucky. Not all men and women get this life. Protect fiercely your husband, your children. They always come first. Sometimes, even before you. Christ layed down His life for us. He leads by example. As His followers, we're called to do the same.

All the best. Take care.

2ndTimothyGroup · May 6, 2022

justahumanbeing said:

There is everything wrong with falling in love with another person when you're already married. Holy cow!

justahumanbeing · May 8, 2022

2ndTimothyGroup said:

Yeah. Keep expecting more machines who are devoid of any human feelings from the people you meet. Jesus

2ndTimothyGroup · May 8, 2022

justahumanbeing said:

Chapter and verse?

Livelywoman · May 8, 2022

My heart goes out to you. I honestly think seeking the Lord out in this manner would be best. Ask the Lord to confirm His will for you in the scriptures.

I would say for the future if you're ever put in a situation like this again let this experience hold you accountable to your spouse. Embrace the discomfort and let it teach you and mold you. Remember this discomfort and this pain that you are feeling and pass on any opportunities that may try to manifest itself.

I'm praying for you I know this isn't easy.

Polar · May 13, 2022

sonshine said:

Emotional entanglement was the problem I understood you to have from your description of your involvement. For women, that can be as powerful or even more powerful, than any sexual inuendo. Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23.

I think bringing all of this to God and asking Him to heal you would be the wise thing to do, along with deleting your membership in that site and don't go back to see what he is currently doing. There is no need to pray about it as the Bible is very clear on the subject of adultery and wandering hearts and fantasizing. Obedience to that word is what should come next.

Your husband is responsible for his own sin and so are you. You both seem to have a problem with your marriage and look to others to either get away from or perhaps solve the lack you have in your own spouses. We all need a good hard look at ourselves as we are all as capable of sin as the next person.

OneOfHis · May 13, 2022

I think the most righteous thing to do is come clean and not keep secrets from your husband, but understand it's hard to do that when he kept secrets from you.

I pray God leads you to doing what is best and I am sorry that you and your husband have been so effected by this and hope you two come out of this trusting eachother fully with nothing left in the dark....

Emotional affair..... should I tell my husband?

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