Relationships and Your Parents…

I really don’t know what to put in the title so I just put in keywords 🤣 anywho!

So real life story for me.

A couple of months ago, I met a guy online and we spoke and texted for awhile before we made the decision to meet up. We hit it off great, great talks and conversations and the chemistry was definitely a hit. He was a great listener, motivator and very handsome. However, he wouldn’t be the typical man I could bring home to introduce to my parents because he wasn’t a believer. He was this blonde haired blue eyed caucasian fella who wouldn’t know anything about my faith and culture.

When I mentioned him to my mum, she immediately was like “nope nope nope, he won’t understand our way life, church and culture”. My mum are those typical types where, if you’re not brown your’e not down, - in no way am I insinuating that she’s racist, if anything she’s a fair half caste with strong Scottish bloodline, lol, it’s just cause she wants the best for me and would rather have me marry an Islander who knows and understands our culture and wouldn’t need to be trained in that area. I love my parents dearly and would want their blessings over anything to whoever God has intended for me, BUT lol….

I have challenged her thinking and rebuttal her stance and have said “mum, it’s not about him understanding or knowing our culture and beliefs etc, it’s about him caring and treating me lovingly and respectfully (which he did). Wouldn’t you want someone to love me for me and not my culture?” In terms of faith, he was more than happy to come to church with me and was open about learning Christianity. But my mums pretty headstrong about her views.

Then it makes me think, should I even challenge her when it comes to these sorts of things? Am I right to oppose her? It had me thinking about the verse from Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Am I really honouring my parents with what I think I want?

I wonder, has this happened to any of you and how did you cope with it? It doesn’t have to be about culture, it could be about age or even location.

Have you ever had to fight for someone (in a relationship) that your parents didn’t approve of?

Looking forward to your responses 😊🔥

Why is a daughter of the True King dating a son of disobedience in whom the prince of the power of the air is currently at work? (Ephesians 2:2)

We’re not dating nor are we together. I should have mentioned that in my OP.

Well...

I'm about as "white" as an albino taking a milk bath, and I wound up getting married to a "black" Latina from Panama.

Her mother was a TOTAL RACIST. She not only made racist comments about me, but also about her son's wife (he married a "white" woman).

On my side of the family, some of my own family members are apparently racist, too.

My father died shortly after my first daughter was born, and some of my family members saw my daughter for the first time as we were visiting our father at the hospital at the same time. I recall walking out of my father's hospital room and overhearing my younger sister who was talking to my aunt on the phone. She said something to the effect of "Well, the baby looks pretty white, so that's good."

Anyhow, when it comes to marriage, it's all about who GOD JOINS TOGETHER.

If your parents or others aren't on board with that, then too bad.

We're never to love father, or mother, or anybody else more than we love the Lord.

Seek his face, and if he says to you, "This is the one", then grab him, and don't let him go.

Just my two "honky" cents worth...lol.

P.S.

I'm currently spending a lot of time talking with a "black' woman that I met on a Christian dating site. They say, "Once you go black, you never go back". I'm not sure about that, but this is what I say:

"Once you go white, child, you ain't never be right!"

lol.

Thanks for your honky 2 cents worth lol I’ve always been attracted to men outside my own culture. All my sisters married within my ethnicity but I find it so hard to fall for island guys. I don’t know, I’m just weird.

Also ironic you have a brown bear as your pic and not a polar bear! 😂

“Before you tear down a fence, inquire why it was put up."

I would ask your mother why she automatically rejects guys who are not of a certain ethnicity. Maybe she has learned from experience that they are generally not as trustworthy.

Or maybe it's a baseless stereotype. Maybe there's nothing behind it except, "he is not our kind of people." Maybe this guy is the one for you and you will live happily ever after.

But I would ask first.

Good point. Although if he was the one we’d still be together lol I think mums also have some special discernment around people, well my mother does. She’s pretty switched on with reading someone. By all means , I haven’t brought any man home to introduce to her until I know he’s God given.

As I've said before, in my own estimation, I've only really ever been in three relationships with a woman in my entire life. The first was with a Russian Jewess, the second was with a black Latina from Panama, and the third was with a woman from Finland. There's a really nice Romanian woman that I work with, but she's married, so she's off limits. I have had some American women who have liked me over the years, but only one of them I kind of regret not pursuing. There was one American woman who really liked me years ago, and she was really nice. I liked her too, but I was just stupid back then. I honestly don't know why I didn't pursue her...?

Anyhow, my current interest is an African-American woman, so, yeah, I guess that I've never really been attracted to any women in my own culture either. Then again, do bears even have a culture? I mean, I eat a lot of squirrels and slow-moving campers, so would those be considered "ethnic dishes"? I'm not quite sure, but I think that I need to scratch my back by rubbing it up against this tree pretty darn soon or I'm going to scream...lol.

I do like polar bears, btw. I saw one once at the Bronx Zoo. I also make my own screen-savers of animal wallpapers that I add scriptures to, and I do have some polar bear ones. Grizzlies still rule, though. Black bears are nice, too.

First off, if you're Christian - a believing Christian - then you are Biblically allowed to marry any man who is also a blood bought child of God. They can be from any race or background.

That said, inter-cultural relationships can be more difficult to navigate, even when everyone is a believer just simply due to the cultural differences.

It can be done, and there's plenty of success stories just as there exist failures, but your parents, who you are claim to be Christian believers, likely just want what's best for you and want to see you in a marriage that is easier for you. Marriage is hard enough as it is, most parents don't want to see their children in situations they know are likely to be difficult.

Are your parents perfect? No... But they are your parents and as such yes, you must honor them - even as an adult, and even when they are wrong.

You can calmly speak to your parents about what the Bible says and that race doesn't factor in... But them wanting you to marry inside the faith is biblical, so you honor God by doing this. But them wanting you to stick with the same race? That's just them wanting you to have fewer automatic issues in the marriage. And it's good to honor them even here.

Someday when you have children you'll understand. So long as you're parents aren't demanding you do something expressly unbiblical, you should try and do as they wish you to.

What most of them already said, plus. I don't know your parents, but with mine. I know love makes you stupid and kinda blind and so I would very much listen to my parents concerns about the guy I'm dating (or honestly probably even thinking about formally dating as I don't want to make foolish decisions in that area). So generally I would say if your parents have made more of a success than failure in the marriage department, take what they say and their concerns seriously.... they just might know something and understand things better than you do.

Do you prefer that I pose the question this way?

Why did a daughter of the True King date a son of disobedience in whom the prince of the power of the air is currently at work? (Ephesians 2:2)

Why did a son of the God who is love automatically assume the boy she was thinking about dating was evil?

Why did the son of the God who is love automatically ignore the whole race thing the op was asking about and go directly to the part about the potential date not being a christian?

The Bible gives some commands and many examples for marriage.
The first consideration is whether or not he is saved.
I would consider what your parents say with lots of weight, but ultimately, we should use the wisdom of God's Word. In the Bible, the Father needed to approve. This takes into account that the family of believers were Never to be giving their daughters to unbelievers for marriage. This led to the entire world population to be destroyed except for 8 souls.

A friend asked me about whether it was biblical for him, a man of European American decent to marry a woman who's parents were from India. I told him what I told you. He thought there might be some racial prohibition. I said that it did not matter what kind of a tan her skin was. He and her would have to be able to properly cope with the cultural differences and that they were raised differently. In the honeymoon phase, this is easy. When it comes to raising children, the man has the responsibility for those decisions Biblically. I can recommend only homeschooling for many reasons. That and the hard questions should be dealt with at the appropriate time.

As far as culture goes, it's hard for me to say how much that matters, as there's so many possibilities. In your case, I'm trying to remember... are you from NZ? What's the Islander culture you're in, or more importantly, what's the 'tensions' involved with that? I'm a lifelong historian without a degree. It's common history westerners colonized islands in the Pacific. In the varied history of the world that history had a spectrum of bad things and good exchanges, and both of those things happened a long time ago where all that's left is children of the people involved, most of whom are just trying to be good in the present.

To sum it up: Nobody has the exact same experience in life, and that makes things more interesting and richer. And every human knows the experience of being human... where culture should be a spicey thing, never a negative thing.

In the US we have "cultures". You mentioned "if you’re not brown your’e not down"... I went to preschool with blacks who lived a town away, then kindergarten, 1st grade, grammar school, High School and college. My best friend for many years, starting Senior year summer, was black. I'd sit watch and talk to his stepsister as she straightened her with a hot iron comb. I went to some family cookouts and I took him to my church. And my other best friend was mexican. Another good friend was filipino. Do I know our US "brown culture"? I just know what I call "our culture". I grew up watching TV shows Soul Train, Good Times, Jeffersons, etc, but I'll never know in actuality what it's like to be black in america circa 2022. I've taken time to imagine it many times, and talked about it with friends. But what does anyone expect? We just know specific people and love them, there's nothing else. Requirements on "race" or knowing culture ahead of time seems awfully negative to me.

Now the issue of that fellow not being a christian... that matters a lot. It's very wise that you don't date men who aren't, and don't put yourself in possessions where you'll be tempted to. Scripture, Old and New testament, make this very clear. If you haven't already, read the scripture addressing it. My wider family has dealt with this issue. It brings a lot of strife and problems you'd be a fool not to avoid.

Sounds like the typical Albert Wendt secenario but in reverse.
Sons for the return home...parents are not going to accept someone as their son and daughter in-law who does not respect their culture or faith. They may go so far even to abort the match.

why, because traditions and life ritual specify certain things and it would be harder to argue with your elders if everyone disagrees over this and that when it comes to things like weddings, funerals. raising children, living together, eating, inheritance etc. The big life stuff.

Which way are you going to follow a heathen just cos they 'look good' (any body can lose their looks over time) or someone who is rooted and grounded in faith and you have a mutual understanding and love for each other and Jesus. You dont become the other person. Your children are not going to be clones of you.

so what are you really after? Elopement? Or will you wait till your parents are dead. A parents blessing is very important for starting another life. will they support their grandchildren...many wont and you in for life of hardship if a fiance does not win over their in laws.

It was Dinah in the Bible who famously went outside her culture but her fiance paid the price, he was willing to be circumcised etc to become Hebrew but her brothers didnt like him falling in with their sister and killed him anyway....?!

Yea they were racists and didnt even give him a chance to prove that he could be a part of their family.

unions between catholics and 'protestants' can also be fraught because of staunch catholic culture.

while its good to have some love you for you, it does seem that your culture is also a part of you and something you cannot avoid.

I have also known people who fall in love with a culture rather than the person and they get disappointed if you look like you are part of a culture but dont actually practise it lol.

anyway. These days tribal affiliations are still strong even though people try to deny them and prefer to think of themselves as individuals...but in the body of Christ, we cant do this. We are all members and we cant say well I dont need you. We may be different with different gifts etc. But we all need each other.

Maybe you have to decide if your faith is important to you, or something you will jettison for the next good looking guy...who knows nothing about it?

How hard is it to answer a question about culture (or location or age) without triggering the Christian reflex to rag on the guy because he is not a christian?

Apparently very, very hard. Even if we do mention culture, we always have to include a comment about avoiding him because he is not a christian.

Maybe we don't want people to think we are not sufficiently Christian if we don't make a comment on it.

Well, as my brother-in-law once asked me:

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

The answer?

Outlaws are wanted.

Did you miss the part about him being open to knowing Jesus? And coming to church with me? With that, some Christians can claim “they are Christian” but yet act entirely of this world, and then some unbelievers can act more “Christ like” than actual Christians.

If I knew that he had no intention of accepting of my faith or being open to it, I wouldn’t have been in it for aslong as I did. It would have impacted me deeply because most weekends I have church commitments and he knew and understand that openly.

Are we all so perfect now? Im nowhere near perfect, and only God can convict me of such things. His Salvation was definitely one of the things I prayed about to God and whether God was actually using me for that purpose, and He still is. But of course these are the matters between myself and God and noone else. But I would appreciate that you pray for the brother instead of condemn him.