The Banned Game

Oh dear me, said Dame Edna. I thought you just said hairy. I was getting your request mixed up with Santa's parade costumes.

Its not going to be a mardi gras. said Miss Zipmouth. I need something truly horrifying.

Well how about this one. I picked it up at a yard sale when former Mosetaria collapsed. Housewives were downsizing everything before the Rubyland beauty revolution. This is just the top you can mix and match the accessories

Charles rang Miss Ruby as he was concerned about Miss Jenny and wanted her advice.
Miss Ruby listened carefully.
"It sounds like Miss Jenny may be suffering burnout Charles. She has got alot on her plate with running a country and the most famous makeup empire in history" Miss Ruby said. "I agree with Miss Jenny going on a long extended holiday. I must say, I know how she feels. I felt burnt out too and that is partly why I took off to Eden Island as a type of retreat. It worked, I came back rejuvenated and refreshed. Going back to holiday at the place of her family roots will surely do her some good. But having Jennymaesia looked after by Tzipora's insane mother would have disasterous results for many reasons. Plus you know how Tzipora bullies her mother. She would have her placed back in the insane place and take over Jennymaesia. This would not be good. She is better to ask her cousin Elliemae or perhaps Eagle One who is currently undecided about an occupation and is travelling the world trying to work it out. What do you think Charles" she questioned.

Charles took it all in. He decided he would talk it over with Miss Jenny and see what she thought.

Meanwhile Miss Ruby was undecided about whether she would trust Morty. So far he seemed trustworthy but he was a Mosestarian. She wondered if she should place a phone call to her enemy the wicked one and ask some questions about Morty. Perhaps some unanswered questions of this handsome man would be answered by the Chieftan.

Charles continued to think about what Miss Ruby had told him. As a clone, he didn't suffer from a number of human ailments, and burn-out was one such illness he might never experience. He thought back to the time the Great Chieftain had been frozen by the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland, and wondered if this situation wasn't really the Great Chieftain's way of taking a secret holiday without actually admitting to it. "I must say, though," Charles thought to himself, "I do like Miss Ruby's idea of a holiday location far more than the Great chieftain's."

Although Charles knew that Eagle One would make a fine temporary Emperor of Jennymaesia, he was somewhat reluctant to appoint him to the role, what with the colourful history between Jennymaesia and Mosestaria and the fact that Eagle One was still technically a Mosestarian by test-tube, and there was also Miss Jenny's apparent preference for female rulers. He didn't dare to ask Miss Ruby if she would be up to the task. The last time Miss Ruby had taken on the reigns of Jennymaesia, she'd had to have a stint on Eden Island to recover, and although Charles was sure she'd had a good time, she had been sorely missed by pretty much everyone. Charles sighed. He had as much evidence of Elliemae's existance as he had for the Southern Baptists' Official Convention on Dance Dating, not to mention he knew nothing about her trustworthiness if she did exist, but there were no other suitable female options. Reluctantly, he drafted a temporary employment contract for Jennymae's heretofore unmentioned cousin.

Meanwhile, back in Lanolinland, poor Eagle Three was down to about 930 chimps. Prusilla the Merciless, as the Publisher had come to be known amongst Eagle Three and the remaining chimps, had been holding quite strictly to the "three strikes and you're out" rule, and Eagle Three's heart had sunk almost as much as - and certainly more frequently than - the 70 deposed chimps who had failed to write articles which were up to the purportedly "high standards" of Prusilla's Lanolinland Lowdown. The latest offering was a full page photograph of the Empress of Lanolinland, which the Lanolinland Lowdown was going to place front-and-center on its latest propaganda piece. Eagle Three had wanted to warn the Publisher that the photograph reminded him of how one of the chief orcs of Mordor had looked after a night on the town with some particularly cantankerous trolls, but had decided against it, given the circumstances by which he had recently lost 70 of his staff.

At that same moment on Barry R Island, Tzipora was well-and-truly horrified at coming face-to-face (via "smart" phone) with the leader of Lanolinland in the latest propaganda piece. Tzipora had developed something of a morbid fascination with reading the lies published about herself by the Lanolinland propaganda apparatus, but she had not been expecting something so disturbing as this. Only once before had she seen this terrible visage, but that was in the darkened beehive chapel, where all the horrible features of the wicked leader had mercifully been hidden by the darkness, and Tzipora's focus had been on rescuing little Bubba from his evil stepmother, rather than memorising every single wart, wrinkle and veruca which covered the ancient woman's face. The Great Chieftain, who was with Tzipora to justify anything slanderous she might be about to read, was just about to say something witty yet insulting about the Empress of Lanolinland, when his own "smart" phone sounded.

"Excuse me, Tzipora," he apologised. "I think it's work."

The Great Chieftain was just about to explode over the phone at what he expected was another prank caller, when he heard the voice of his arch-nemesis, the reputable-and-respected-yet-still-somewhat-not-entirely-to-be-trusted Empress E-Ruby, of Rubyland.

"Oh, hello, E-Ruby, it's you," the Great Chieftain was pleased to hear the familiar voice.

The voice had asked something, and the Great Chieftain seemed uncertain. "You know he threw sand in my eyes when I was a child, and then when I came to beat him, my father gave me a beating instead for being a bully?" the Great Chieftain asked indignantly.

"Oh, he told you that story already?" the Great Chieftain's voice seemed a little disappointed.

"Yes, but you're a female arch-nemesis," the Great Chieftain seemed to be defending someone or something. "That gives you some license to invade a man's country, turn him into an ice-cube, that sort of thing. Totally different to what he did..."

"No, no, no. No hard feelings at all. You're my arch-nemesis. I would expect nothing less. Actually, I would have been offended if you didn't do any of that. In fact, I'm somewhat offended - but only a little - that you didn't do more - maybe shave off my mustache, write something insulting on my head, that sort of thing..."

"I guess it was a long time ago, and I agree that people can change. But Mosestarians - and you'll probably never hear this from me again - but Mosestarians much less so. You're best to trust us only so far as you can kick us, but we don't take too kindly to being kicked, either, so maybe don't do that. As one arch-nemesis to another, I want you to be happy... But remember what happened with the Incredible Tommy? Have you checked Morty's forehead for any unexplained or questionable appendages? Have you made sure he's not wearing a disguise? He's not trying to sell you snake oil or anything, is he?"

The Great Chieftain finally hung up his "smart" phone. Apparently, his arch-nemesis had already conducted all the routine checks, and everything Morty had told her did check out. Although the Great Chieftain didn't particularly like Morty, he hadn't been able to provide Miss Ruby with something definitively damning. In some ways, the Great Chieftain was pleased about this. "Perhaps this infuriating Morty would be as much a blessing to his arch-nemesis, as his own dear Tzipora had been to him?" he wondered romantically.

"Except for the ring," he thought grimly. "I hope she doesn't have the same troubles with the ring. I wouldn't even wish that on the Empress of Lanolinland."

He went back to playing with the ring in his pocket, and wondering how best to trick Tzipora into giving an affirmative answer to the Question That Was Too Stupid To Ask.

Miss Ruby compiled a list of 20 questions for the Chieftain. She found the list from Simple Sheep off the CC website on a thread called 10 Questions, then added 10 more of her own.

That should keep him occupied for a week, thought Miss Ruby.
Then she boasted that she won the Last Person to Post Wins!! and he didnt just to rile him up.

Miss GoodBooks had lent her some books

After finishing The Hunger Games Miss Ruby checked out Tolstoys War and Peace,
JRR Tolkiens Lord of the Rings
Game of Thrones
and Twilight

Are you sure you dont want to read the Art of War by Sun Tzu? Its available

Miss Ruby wondered how she could fit all this extra reading into her tightly packed schedule. Maybe her clone could read them all for her out loud while she was busy redecorating her mansion

Oh why not, said Miss Ruby

Miss Goodbooks added it to the growing pile.

The Jennymaesian airliners was a peculiar thing. Ms Jenny wasn’t in favor of economy class and stuff like that. Due to this the entire fleet was first class. This also meant that every plane could only carry a few passengers. Tickets were extremely costly and more often than not there was no passengers onboard. Ms Jenny and Charles had the cabin exclusively for themselves.

“Look!” Ms Jenny exclaimed enthusiastically, “there’s Mobile Bay!” Charles couldn’t see anything else than some salty (probably) waters down below and nodded in a way he hoped for was full of joy.

The ghost flight touched down on the runway without a sound. Ms Jenny was so excited about it that she was jumping up and down in the aisle. “This is The South, darlin’! she already was speaking differently.

They were traveling incognito, so nobody noticed them. She was Mrs Dixie-May Williams traveling with her husband Mr Billy-Rae Williams. They hustled out from the airport to meet her brother who came to pick them up.

“Mornin’ Jenny”, a man wearing a worn out lumberjack shirt and a cap with the text “Crimson Tide” greeted them heartily. “Ain’t seen mah baby sis in forever, and dis here your man?” Charles nodded at the question. “Sweet Jesus and a prayer to go with, ain’t mah biggy brother sumpin’?” she asked Charles.

Charles had a hard time getting what they were saying, and for the third time he was just nodding. It was just strange sounds, replacing what elsewhere was known as words, to his ears.

The man brought them to an old pickup truck and they were en route to Ms Jenny’s green, green grass of home.

“Say, how’s the ole trailer park?” Ms Jenny inquired. Her brother chewed his tobacco a little more frenetically. “Well, y’know, a coupla thugs from up yonder DC came down to pay us a visit. Dem was a-tellin’ us to sell it to dem. We sure did.”

“And?” Ms Jenny was getting curious.

“Turned out dey didn’t have no cash so we lost ever’thang. Dem Carpet Baggers LTD sure had us there”.

“Mah trailer too?” Ms Jenny almost screamed.

“Nah, Ms Betty-Rose towed it to her new place. You outta be grateful for what she been doin’.”

“Grateful to that *****?” Ms Jenny frowned at her brother’s suggestion. She picked up the phone. “Have my Secretary of the Treasury pull the plug on a couple of frauds known under the name “Carpet Baggers LTD”. Ms Jenny was smiling viciously. “And make sure that the trailer park is mine before noon!”

30 minutes later two helicopters passed them. “I think them two billy goats are fixin’ to change their wicked ways”, she smiled sweetly to Charles.

Miss Goodbooks contacted the Dolly Parton imagination Library in the Deep South.

Good Golly Miss Dolly your cousin JennyMae is plumb exhausted she really needs your help rulin' the empire. And some good readin' material

Ah'll see what ah ken do, drawled Miss Dolly

She shore don' want to miss having her nails done at mah salon a gal needs her claws revahtalized


Miss Goodbooks wasnt sure why having her nails done would do to help Miss Jennymae rule an empire but she figured if Dowager Empress Cixi had hers done, then there must be something in it. Nail glue or whatever.

It was a busy day at Miss Goodbooks branch library in Antarctica. She was fielding requests left and right. She had one more for a prisoner in Queensland who was charged with assault.

She interloaned him a Gideons Bible and threw in the Ednapedia for good measure.

Ockers just love reading about themselves, she mused, but then they needed to learn from their mistakes, being a bunch of convicts.

She then fixed herself a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and settled down to read Rachel Hunters Tour of Beauty book. I wonder how this will compare to Rod's autobiography?

It seems Miss Ruby had her questions answered by the Chieftan. Morty seemed to be a trustworthy person. This was good news to Miss Ruby's ears. The chieftan provided her with some valuable information although she had to sit through the sand in eyes story again. It seems that the Chieftan was unable to let this go. The three clones also gave their stamp of approval on Morty. Miss Ruby decided to keep the friendship she had formed with Morty going and see what time would bring.

Morty had arranged to meet Eagle One and Three at Barry Island for lunch. He was undecided whether he would drop in to the Chieftan's hut as he did not like Tzipora. Miss Ruby agreed telling him how much drama she had caused for the three Empress's. The only good thing that had come from her sudden arrival one day and also the arrival of the baby was that it caused the Chieftan to mellow and this had a positive effect for the Empress's. It meant peace between the countries as the Chieftan usually started the wars.

With peace in the air, Miss Ruby was free to plan and build the beautiful gold bridge connecting Rubyland with Eden Island and also gave her the opportunity for electricity to be placed on the island. She was also planning on building a mansion on Eden Island as well so she could stay in luxury as she travelled between the two. Having the peace between the countries was a welcome change. Tzipora's presence along with baby needed to remain.

Miss Ruby had heard that Barry Island was full of bogans. She did not want any of them travelling to Eden Island so she purchased a dozen alligators and they lived and swam in the water connecting the two islands. Anyone swimming from Barry Island to her island would be digested in seconds. Word would get around and nobody will try.

Pleased with the way things were going Miss Ruby made her way to her lagoon with the waterfall where she took a swim. On her way she checked the Musk satellite and removed any cobwebs formed. Having forgotten about the telescope that the Chieftan used to spy on Eden Island she tossed it into the sea and it sunk to the bottom. There was no need for any spying as the leaders had reached a level of peace.

The old pickup truck finally reached the old trailer park. Two suits and a band of muscles had taken care of the carpet baggers. Ms Jenny approached them.

“So, y’all are the rattlesnakes stealin’ our homes?” she sounded calm…for now. “Where y’all from?” The two crooks remained silent. Charles repeated her question, yet in a slightly different tone and the two con men suddenly got in a hurry to answer Ms Jenny’s questions. “We’re from New Jersey, ma’am.”

“Of course you are from New Jersey thinking you can come down here and scam us out of everything.” Ms Jenny was no longer calm. “It’s just a misunderstanding, we planned to give it back”, thug #1 said stammering. “It’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God”, thug #2 said in an effort to help his buddy. Their vocabulary indicated that they were not unfamiliar with courtrooms. “Please, don’t turn us in, they’ll put us away for decades this time.” Ms Jenny didn’t even hesitate before she said: “Take them to the sheriff’s office!” The muscles shoved them into the helicopter and off they were.

Now it was time to confront Ms Betty-Rose. They drove in the general direction of Mobile. Whenever they took off from the highway the area was a wealthy looking one. “Ms Betty-Rose seems to be in high cotton”, she said to her brother. “She sure is, some rich dude from Biloxi married her coupla years back”, her brother informed her. “Aww, look-a-here, ocean view too?” Ms Jenny said between her teeth. “There’s mah trailer, dat no good trailer park special has popped the wheels off!”

Ms Jenny’s trailer was in a sorry condition. It appeared to belong to Mrs Betty-Rose now. Nobody in their right mind would handle other peoples trailer like that. Not even Betty-Rose.

The mansion the soon to be sorry Mrs Betty-Rose was living in looked nothing like her trailer. Servants were running back and forth and then, an antebellum dressed lady appeared on the scene. “Ms Jenny”, she said down her nose, “if Ah knew you was a-searching’ for work Ah woulda made your uniform ready.” She drawled like she had been attending a speech class for southern belles over in Georgia.

“What’s your special, hon?” the good lady of the mansion asked, “makin’ beds Ah reckon. And for your information, Ahm not interested in employees of the night.”

“Ah wan mah trailer back!” Ms Jenny snarled. “Ain’t your trailer, sweetie, “dem fokes was a-fixin’ to burn it down and Ah saved it. Take your troubles up with dem.”

Ms Jenny smiled her wicked smile. “Ahm hearin’ your rich dude’s gotten some financial troubles. Y’all are facing eviction, in fact y’all should have been out months ago.” Mrs Betty-Rose face went red as a Mobile Bay sunset. “Ain’t no troubles here”, she said in a non convincingly manner. Ms Jenny waited for the right moment. “But don’t you worry I have taken over your debts. Y’all got 48 hours to pack!”

Mrs Betty-Rose’s chin feel all the way down to her antebellum dress.

Miss Ruby had to decipher what Miss Jenny was saying. She cut and pasted it into google translation. As it turns out Mrs Betty Rose has a double chin and one of them fell way down to her Gone With the Wind dress.

Charles wasn't quite sure what to say or do. So far, he had enjoyed the adventure in the vicinity of Mobile Bay with Mrs Dixie-May Williams, but he was acutely aware that his words and actions could make himself and Mrs Dixie-May look like those popped off wheels on Ms Jenny's trailer. Bearing this in mind, he decided to ignore Mrs Betty-Rose altogether, and simply turned his back to her.

"Ahm mos dee-lie-ted your ee-victing this here rose-faced Betty bee-fore we take up res-ee-dence, Dixie-May," Billy-Rae Williams smiled at his wife.

There was an awkward pause.

"Hmmmmmm," thought Charles to himself. "Probably I should have practiced this accent before trying to use it in front of one of the locals."

Miss Jenny had given Charles crash courses in the arts of alligator-evasion and bull-wrangling, but to be honest, these sports sounded a lot simpler than engaging the locals in a trolling match using the native language. Charles would have to leave Miss Jenny to finish this little flame-war with Betty-Rose. "Meanwhile, though," he thought to himself, "she shouldn't go thirsty", as he helped himself to an ageing bottle of wine on the wine-rack, and poured Dixie-May a drink.

Miss Greenlips Hine was watching the Beverly Hillbillies but could not decipher a word of what Ma and Pa were sayin'.

She put the captions on but even then it was hopeless, so she gave up, and went back to watching the Chipmunks. She only had a few more days to watch tv and then President Lanolin was going to return so she needed to binge watch all she could before the old tv was going to be ditched and the Beehive cable sub to foreign tv cut off and she'd go back to watching Shortland Street.

She'd heard there were new writers and was hopeful that maybe Kirsty and Lionel would make a comeback.

Dame Edna reviewed her repertoire. If Sir Peter would stop poaching her players she would at least be able to launch one full season of Shakespeare at the new pop up Pineapple theatre in Evereverland.

But it seemed like there would not be enough time before Christmas. If worse came to worse she would need to make a solo appearance at the Sydney Opera House singing a full aria, but she knew if she did that, it would all be over.

She discussed this with her husband and asked for his counsel. Santa said aside from the Nativity play, she needed find another panto that appealed to adults. Perhaps not Shakespeare as it was too lofty for the predominately bogan population of Evereverland to comprehend. Why not ask Miss Goodbooks surely there is something in her library that is suitable.

The Great Chieftain of Mosestaria was not sure what to do with all this new-found peace. At first, he thought he could use it to spy on his friends. It turned out that his cousin, the good Mordecai, had finally mastered the complexities of speaking Great Barry-R-ian, and had used this skill to befriend one of the native women. The bad Mordecai, although he hadn't discovered a bunyip, actually had located an uninhabited billabong with nearby bus access, and so was commuting to where the other explorers were encamped on a daily basis. The Great Chieftain was a little disappointed about this, as he'd secretly hoped that the bad Mordecai would just assimilate into the native population, but he figured he was still probably struggling to get a grip on the peculiarities of the language.

Tzipora, it turned out, did indeed wear her beautiful hair up, but usually only early in the mornings, after she had washed it in the ocean and before she had finished drying it. On one particular morning, while the Great Chieftain was looking after Bubba and Tzipora was drying her hair, the Great Chieftain noticed (although he did not have the best eyesight) a strange mark on the back of Tzipora's neck. Taking out his binoculars, the Great Chieftain (may his eyes be ever clear, and his vision ever far) was surprised to note that the mark was some sort of serial number.

When she returned to the campsite to cook breakfast, the Chieftain asked her about it.

"Tzipora, what is that mark on the back of your neck?"

Tzipora froze - at least temporarily - and instinctively put her hand to the back of her neck, although both her neck and her number were already covered by her beautiful, dark hair.

"How... how do you mean?" she asked. "I have my hair down?" she added, as if this invalidated the Great Chieftain's question.

"Oh, I just noticed this morning you had a *serial* *number* on the back of your neck?" the Great Chieftain asked casually.

The Great Chieftain had noted that Tzipora's face had started to turn a shade red.

"Oh, errr, why Great Chieftain, I am somewhat embarrassed by that mark," the Japovian warrioress had explained.

The Great Chieftain wiped away her embarrassment with a wave of his hand. "I am sorry, Tzipora. I did not mean to pry, but I was curious. You do not need to explain."

"But I want to explain, O Great Chieftain," replied the loyal warrioress earnestly. "You see, when I was just a little warrioress-tyke, my parents got caught up in some sort of cult..." the warrioress began hesitantly.

The Chieftain shook his head in sympathy, and immediately thought of the Empress of Lanolinland.

"Yes," the warrioress continued. "It was some type of Doomsday cult, and my father - a senior diplomat in the Japovian government - was investigating them, as they were threatening to purchase the parcel of land containing the Great Plug of Japovia, and sell it to a foreign power."

The Great Chieftain gasped. "Couldn't the government just prohibit foreign investment into parcels of land containing the Great Plug of Japovia?" the Great Chieftain asked incredulously.

"Well, they could have," admitted the beautiful warrioress, "but the Japovian government had by that stage already been infiltrated with agents of the Doomsday cult. So any Act to pass such a law would have been extremely difficult without some sort of mechanism to compel the treasonous members of government to comply with it."

The Great Chieftain nodded. For all its flaws, the Great Chieftain style of government did have its advantages when it came to preventing corruption.

"Well," Tzipora continued, "Investigating this death cult was very dangerous work - for my entire family. If the cult were to find out about my father's investigative efforts - it would kill not only my father, but likely myself and my mother also."

The Great Chieftain scowled with anger. This cult was reminding him more and more of the Empress of Lanolinland.

"Anyhoo," continued Tzipora, "Said cult had a special machine they used for labeling their cult-members, so they could easily identify one if he got amnesia and started life elsewhere under an assumed identity, or accidentally booked a ticket to the wrong country and subsequently got lost and couldn't find his way back, or something like that."

The Great Chieftain put his hand to his mouth to cover his surprise.

"And while you and your mother were helping your father to investigate, you fell into the labeling machine?" he asked incredulously.

Tzipora nodded. "Mom and I told Father that basically, we were all going to get killed if we got caught, so we might as well help him investigate. Unfortunately, my legs at the time were too short to step over the label processing slot at the cult's HQ, and I fell in, and now I have that serial number on the back of my neck."

The Great Chieftain nodded. "Well, I'm pleased you survived that terrible situation. And I'm also pleased you're not some sort of robot created by Elon Musk to spy on me and help take over the world, like in that movie..."

Tzipora laughed nervously. "The Terminator?" she asked.

"Yes, I think that's the one," replied the Great Chieftain. "Starring the previous governor of California... Arnold somebody, I think his name was."

"Well, I don't think a terminator would care to save a child from a cult, or even have the ability to feed the child that she rescued, do you?" Tzipora advised the Great Chieftain.

The Great Chieftain smiled broadly, and shook his head contentedly. "If I learned anything from the Terminator movies, it's that super-deadly, killer-robots always look and act suspiciously."

"Also, I'm part Jewish," Tzipora added.

But the Great Chieftain had already finished listening, and had moved onto his next scheme of procuring an invitation from Miss Ruby to Eden Island, for some of the bogan inhabitants of Barry R Island who he was starting to get to know.

Miss Goodbooks fielded another reference request this time for a playbook, possibly something a bit more lowbrow to please the audiences of Evereverland at the new Pineapple theatre.

Miss Goodbooks went to the shelves and began pulling out plays and musicals of all descriptions thinking maybe give the DEAD lots of options and then they could choose.

She came up with a bibliographical list

Perhaps these might be suitable?

Grease
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Mamma Mia
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
Fiddler on the Roof
Cats
Joseph and his amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat
Singin' in the Rain

Or they could always do Shakespeare but disguise it and call it something like West Side Story. The Capulets could be Rubylanders and the Montagues could be Mosetarian gangsters. They'd both die at the end though and it would be tragic.

Dame Edna said it had to have at least one spot for Kylie Minogue singing 'I should be so Lucky'

Or what about this one, its quite new

Harry Potter and the cursed child.

Dame Edna didnt think that would be quite suitable, Madame Doubtfire would definitely veto that one for Bubba.

I need to get Miss Zipmouth back after shes finished filming It came from Mosetaria.

well How about this one, Its called Wicked and won several Tonys. Set in the imaginary land of Oz.

Dame Edna said she'd have to read it first and put on her face furniture to have a closer look.

Miss Goodbooks cleared her drama section. Now that the shelves were emptied of playbooks she had more room to display her Lego, model ships, even a marble run.

she called Miss Dolly and asked how her cousin JennyMae was doing.

Seems she's fightin' back in style, said Miss Dolly. Ah fixed up her claws and she's now got a cosy lil mobile library with her beau from Charleston. They readin' poetry to each other, those lovebirds.

Miss Goodbooks wondered if she ought to say 'bless her heart' as well but just said 'aw, thats so sweet"

well bah bah Miss GoodLord - Bastard out of Carolina jes' came on in.


Miss Dolly hung up. Miss Goodbooks finished Rachel Hunters Tour of Beauty and learned that if she went to Korea, she could get cosmetic surgery to make her eyes look rounder.

Miss Greenlips Hine was prepared for a breakfast briefing with President Lanolin the following Monday.

She fixed scrambled eggs on toast, a hot cup of milo, mushrooms, baked beans and potato rosti.

This is delicious Miss Greenlips Hine, I must commend you for looking after everything while I was away.

No problems President Lanolin. Nothing much happened while you were gone. What's His face got arrested, so he's no longer in the picture, not that he ever was. Miss Ruby lost her memory and tried to bail him out again with crocodile food, and Miss Jenny threw another hissy fit but calmed down again by touching up her roots and...I cant rememeber what else.

Oh the usual then. What happened to that kawakawa tree? It looks like its lost all its leaves.

?!#& The chipmunks must have got loose!

Miss Ruby went for a swim in her favourite lagoon with waterfall when she heard the faint sound of a horn. Morty was returning by ferry to Eden Island after spending the week on Barry Island visiting the clones and Chieftan. Miss Ruby ran out of the water to meet him at the shore. She gave Morty a hug welcoming him back. Morty had in his hands two plastic bags containing goodies that he had bought back from Barry Island.

In one bag contained lunch. Morty said it was a delicacy on Barry Island. He called it fish and chips. Miss Ruby knew what fish was but was unfamiliar with chips but was delighted to taste them. She could see why they were a delicacy on Barry Island. Little bits of potato, fluffy on the inside and crispy on the outside. They ate together and later fed the leftovers to the alligators.

Morty then unpacked the other bag. He said it contained what the locals wore. He presented her with bathers. Miss Ruby knew what they were but was surprised as to why they were fluorescent. "Perhaps to be seen at night" she said shrugging her shoulders. Morty then pulled out a large rimmed sun hat, thongs, sunglasses and a skin paint he called sunscreen which was ironically also fluorescent.

"The locals seem to want to be seen at night Morty" she questioned. Morty shrugged his shoulders not exactly knowing what answer to give Miss Ruby.

"They say you need all this to protect you from the sun" explained Morty.
Miss Ruby gasped. You see you did not need all of this on Eden Island as the sun there was warm and nice without burning you. It was like there seemed to be a protective blocker of some sort.

Morty proceeded to tell Miss Ruby all about his trip, including catching up with the clones and Chieftan. He also talked about the locals who they refer to as bogans. Miss Ruby gasped. "Lets keep them there" she replied to Morty. "There is nothing here for them." Morty noded his head in agreement.

The Great Chieftain was giving a speech to the crowd of bogans that had gathered about him. He and the crew had just finished winning a game of what the Barry R Islanders called "Beach Volleyball", 21 to 7. It had been a closer game than the Great Chieftain had anticipated, as Bubba had become hungry soon after the third point, and Tzipora had insisted on feeding him straight away, rather than waiting until the end of the game. The Great Chieftain believed that 5 of the points the opposing team had scored were due to Tzipora's insistence that she could do two things at once, but focusing more on getting the milk in Bubba's mouth than returning the spiked volleyballs of the opposition. The other 2 points were scored because the bad Mordecai still hadn't figured out all of the rules of Beach Volleyball.

However, all in all, it was a good game, and the local population, many of them bogans according to 2021 census data, were impressed enough with the victory to stop smoking cigarettes or yeeting their empty beer cans into the ocean, to listen to the Great Chieftain. Also, the Great Chieftain had organised free fish and chips, which probably helped with the attendance.

"Friends, Barry R Islanders, residents of the Queen's Land, and especially, bogans," the Great Chieftain commenced. "It has been a difficult year. Costs of living have been high, incomes have been low..."

Many of the bogans cheered for the Great Chieftain. One of them cast his empty beer can in the Great Chieftain's direction, which the Great Chieftain promptly caught mid-air and mid-speech. More cheering from the bogans at the Great Chieftain's prowess at handling heckling during a speech.

The Great Chieftain smiled one of his broad smiles, and his gold tooth winked its promise of a better and cheaper life to the bogans, as the Great Chieftain told them about a nearby island paradise. The Great Chieftain was sure to be careful about his choice of words, as he didn't want to jeopardise the newly established peace with the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland, or the acting Empress Elliemae of Jennymaesia. He didn't really care if he jeopardised the newly established peace with the Empress of Lanolinland, because, to be frank, she had said some very mean things lately about the Great Chieftain, his lovely warrioress, and his 3 clones.

The Great Chieftain spoke to the bogans of beaches untainted with the visual pollution of empty beer cans, of clean air free of the stench of cigarette smoke, of a sun which was warm and nice without burning you.

"Want ye of such a place?" the Great Chieftain asked. The bogans cheered a unanimous yes.

"Now time for the bad news," the Great Chieftain thought.

He explained that the island he had spoken of was owned by a particular Empress, who could not be named for legal reasons (and maintenance of the fragile peace). He explained that this Empress owned a ferry service to the island, but it cost $1.35 per passenger.

"Outrageous!" cried one bogan. "Daylight robbery!" exclaimed another. "I will swim to the island to save on ferry fees," declared a third.

The Great Chieftain then began to explain to the bogans that aside from the logistical issues of swimming to the paradise island with a mother bogan, a number of little baby bogans and the bogan-family-eskies (one for the picnic, the other for the beers), there were safety issues associated with swimming as the owner of the island had recently purchased a small contingent of alligators with which to deter interlopers.

"Disgraceful!" called out a fourth bogan.

The Great Chieftain then suggested that the owner of the island was actually somewhat reasonable on occasion, and he would consider writing a letter to her on their behalf, seeking her permission to visit the island, and a $1.35 discount on the ferry fee per passenger (provided they could present proof that they were legitimate bogans).

The Great Chieftain rubbed his hands together with glee. "Part one of the mission accomplished," he told himself, "and I don't think any peace agreements were violated to do it."

It seems one of the bogans swam towards Eden Island. Before the crocodile swallowed it whole Miss Ruby who was paddling boarding at the time asked the bogan how he had heard of Eden Island. The bogan than began to relay what had happened. He explained that there was a stranger with a beard and moustache who had travelled over with he thinks wife and child and they were promoting Eden Island to the locals. Miss Ruby asked asked the bogan to describe this stranger to her with more details. The bogan went on to say that this stranger had a gold tooth that winked. It then dawned on Miss Ruby whom it was. It was the Chieftan up to his old tricks. Looks like the peace treaty will not continue.

She ordered the alligator to swallow the bogan but kept one shoe to send back to Barry Island with a note describing what had happened to this unfortunate local of theirs.