The Banned Game

Just then, a letter arrived on Eden Island for the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland.

"Dear Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland and Eden Island.

How are you? I hope you are having a good day. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of discussing with your right hand man, Mr (Morty) Mordecai, permission for bogans to visit Eden Island.

I know this is a touchy subject for you, so I have decided to include a sweetener - free fish and chips on Fridays, if you agree.

In return, I ask that my bogans be given free passage to Eden Island on your luxury ferry, and that you install appropriate waste receptacles at various locations about your island for said bogans to dispose of their refuse (typically just empty beer cans and cigarettes, but these are bogans we're talking about, so it could even be items including asbestos fencing, broken refrigerators, even non-functional motor vehicles).

You and I both know the bogans won't use them, but at least this way, we can say we tried. Come to think of it, you'd better also install toilets at strategic locations...

I hope this doesn't effect our fragile peace treaty that it took our lawyers months to finally get right. Also, Tzipora says to say "Hi!"

Yours most nefariously,

The Great Chieftain (a.k.a. your nemesis)"

E-Ruby started to feel a little guilty about the unfortunate bogan, and decided that instead of sending the shoe and note back to Barry R Island, she'd be better off throwing those to the alligator also, and pretending the whole sorry incident never happened. So she did.

Miss Ruby felt her face turn red. Her enemy really knew how to get under her skin. She ripped the peace treaty they had into shreds and declared war with Barry Island. Morty agreed, he was just pretending to like his cousin but he really didn't. "Leave it with me Miss Ruby. I will have an army of helpers here by morning and plenty of ammunition" Morty said.

"By the way Miss Ruby. You really need to have a proper army. One that will be able to fight the big battles. Have you ever thought of cloning an all female army of Ruby's" Morty suggested.

Miss Ruby gasped. It wasn't such a bad idea but she would not have them looking exactly like her, it would be too confusing. But they could look related.

"A brilliant idea Morty" she said. "But I don't know any mad scientist to perform the procedure"

The Great Chieftain was somewhat worried. He'd received back (rather promptly) a copy of the peace treaty he'd signed with the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland in the mail. The problem was, it had been turned into confetti.

"Why would Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland send us a peace treaty that she'd turned into confetti?" he wondered aloud.

"Perhaps its a gift for a wedding she expects to receive an invitation to?" asked Tzipora hopefully.

At that point, the bad Mordecai piped up. "In my experience in the merchant navy, peace treaties are usually turned into confetti when one party to the treaty no longer wishes the treaty - and sometimes the other party to the treaty - to exist."

"Well, that's ridiculous," noted the Great Chieftain. "The only party who might not want the peace treaty to exist is me, and I didn't turn it into confetti."

"Are you sure?" asked the good Mordecai. "Did you do anything - I mean anything - just before you received the mail, that might offend or otherwise upset the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland?"

The Great Chieftain covered his mouth with his hand to hide a gasp.

"That bogan who insisted on swimming to Eden island. I bet one of E-Ruby's alligators ate it, and her alligator got sick from all the beer and cigarettes the bogan had consumed - and died of salmonella poisoning! And now she's blaming me! It's like the story of Moses the Oldest, the butcher, and great, great, great, great Grandma Rubina all over again, but in modern times!"

"That'd do it," agreed the bad Mordecai. "Alligator stomachs can be quite temperamental when it comes to digesting bogans."

"We've got to do something," noted the good Mordecai. "How about we challenge her to a game of Beach Volleyball? If we win, we get our peace treaty reinstated?"

"No good," explained the Chieftain. "She only has Morty on her side. Not enough players for a team. And besides, Morty is pretty good at Beach Volleyball."

"We managed to salvage the clone-o-matic from the Titanic 2 before it went under," noted Tzipora. "Perhaps you could send her that to borrow, so she can clone the missing alligator?"

"She gets her dead alligator back, we get our confettied peace treaty reinstated, and everyone is happy?" asked the Great Chieftain. "I like it."

He gave orders immediately to gift wrap and send the salvaged clone-o-matic to Eden Island, with a bunch of flowers, a small box of milk chocolates, and a generally-complimentary-but-yet-still-mildly-insulting note.

Hows the plays coming along dear? asked Santa. Have you chosen one yet?

Dame Edna looked up from reading Wicked. It turned out wasnt set in Oz after all, but rather a place she had never heard of, called Kansas. Miss Goodbooks must have got her wires crossed. And the main character had GREEN skin. She thought that would just be too much makeup to apply every night.

You could just use a filter?

mm Im leaning towards Priscilla. Its got Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan, its local, the costumes are fabulous and the bogans will love it.

What, no West Side Story?

Oh heavens no. Mosestarians and Rubylanders on stage together? It would be a complete disaster. Also imagine if they had kids. They would make....Roses. Ugh, you know they are not my favourite flower.

Only Gladdies for you my dear, said Santa.

“We have to leave immediately”, Charles told Ms Jenny and he was already packing. Ms Jenny looked perplexed and felt she had to ask why. “Why do we have to leave, Charles?” He showed her a message on his phone.

“Rubyland and Mosestaria are going to war. It’ll be known as the ‘Bogan War’. Your presence is required”.

“Who sent you this?” Ms Jenny asked with a curious voice. “I dont know, but if there’s a war on the way I have to get ready”. He had a strange look on his face. Ms Jenny had never seen him like that before. “What’s a ‘bogan’, Charles?”

Charles sat down and looked at her like she was an ignorant. “A bogan is the Australian equivalent of white trash, but I don’t know what Australians have to do with Rubyland and Mosestaria.” Ms Jenny was thinking long and hard. “Well, truth be told, Ms Ruby and the Chieftain both have a slight hint of Australian accent whenever they are speaking, don’t you think?” Charles pondered this for a second. “Hmm…maybe you’re right…and you know what that means?” Ms Jenny just sat there oblivious to whatever she ought to know. “No, I don’t.”

“They may be in cahoots, and this war could just be a theater, literally speaking”, Charles elaborated. “Yeah, and they ain’t never really actually do anything against each other”, Ms Jenny added. “We have to mobilize the Jennymaesians!” Charles exclaimed. “This could be a trick to attack us!” Ms Jenny had her doubts. “Ms Ruby would never do that!”

“How do you know she’s still in charge?” Charles argued. Ms Jenny hadn’t thought of that. “My goodness, you’re right, but first we need to be sure she’s alright.”

The house penguins in Antarctica had fixed the clone-o-matic after Sir Peter and his wetas had left, they found part of the problem was some hair had got stuck in one of the pipes. Once that was sorted, they had cloned a whole army of Santa's little helpers and they were busy stacking shoeboxes.

The girls pile outnumbered the boys pile 3 to 1. It turned out that too many boys made the naughty list and were not going to recieve their presents this year, so the girls got more.

Miss Goodbooks was reading Mr Poppers Penguins as their bedtime story and the penguins were eager to find out what really happened to Mr Popper.

The breakfast dishes were forgotten as President Lanolin quickly declared National emergency - 3 chipmunks had escaped quarantine and were now wrecking havoc in the native forests.

I thought you were keeping an eye on them Miss Greenlips Hine! Lanolin fumed.

Miss Greenlips Hine hung her head and would not look President Lanolin in the eye.

We'll just have to do a nationwide search and rescue. Call the helicopters. I'll get Keisha on to it.

Miss Greenlip Hine desperately hoped that they would be found...and Kirsty and Lionel as well.

Camilla was preparing her husband for their first official Crown Royal tour down under, where they would visit Evereverland and be treated to a royal command performance at the new pop up Pineapple theatre.

She packed the Santas hat, crystal ball and boomerang and headed toward the royal train that connected to the royal yacht where they would travel in luxury and style as befitting the new Kingdom.

What about the neighbouring states along the way I am quite keen to see Queensland and the Giant Barrier Reef, as well as Eden Island. said His majesty. Then I will meet with the leaders of those lands too and invite them to be part of the Commonwealth.

I am not sure about that, said Camilla. My dear friend Edna says the two leaders of those islands are at loggerheads with each other all the time and do not like each other, and are probably not very hospitable, you'd be lucky to have a fish and chip dinner in Queensland, and Eden Island is crawling with crocodiles around the perimeter.

hmm perhaps I should send Harry and his wife there instead.

You cant tell them what to do anymore, said Camilla. Besides I am not sure they would want to go. They seem perfectly happy in esconced in their igloo in Canada.

Charles looked rather glum as he thought about his options.

The ride to the airport was as quick as an old pickup truck could go on a dirt road that hadn’t been fixed for the last few decades. “Y’know, Charles, our dad was a bootlegger and he used this here road to avoid the highway patrols”, Ms Jenny’s brother said while his cigarette somehow was glued to his lips and didn’t fall down no matter how loud he got.

“So why are we using this road?” Ms Jenny wasn’t too thrilled about some parts of the family legends. Neither was her mother. “Well, y’know…”, Ms Jenny’s brother stretched the last word out so long that it would have been raising eyebrows even around these parts, “opportunity knocks…what ya thinkin’ dem jars are?” Ms Jenny sighed. “You been cookin’ I take it…?” Her brother flashed a smile so big and heartily that everybody could see his tobacco stained teeth. “Yessum, happy hour specials for all the honky-tonks from here to over yonder.”

The family tour was suddenly disturbed by red and blue lights. “The police!” Ms Jenny said nervously. This could mean a diplomatic crisis between the countries. Imagine the headlines. “Empress On A Moon Shining Jarney Extradited”.

Her brother kept his cool. He slowed down and cranked the window open. An officer approached the car. “Howdy, Bubba, the officer greeted her brother. “Howdy, Hank”, her brother replied. “How’s bidness, Bubba?” the officer said like a man who had been uttering those words a thousand times before. “Ain’t too bad, gonna fixem fokes a piece down the road and beyond some jars of happiness.” The officer laughed. “That’s great, me and Willie we’re fixin’ too get loud tonight, you comin’?” Her brother chuckled. “Sure thing, I’ll bring a jar so we can keep it comin’ while we’re out for cigarettes.” The officer went back to his patrol car. “They’re in on it?” Ms Jenny was surprised to say the least. “It’s just a lil bidness me and the law has goin’, sister”. Charles realized that boganism obviously was not restricted to Australia.

All across Lanolinland there was a hunt for The Chipmunks.

The papers put out a photo asking if anybody had seen them, and it was all over social media too. The Chipmunks Playland and Cafe denied they had anything to do with their disappearance.

Thats just the name of our business, we dont actually have any chipmunks.

Miss Greenlips Hine was suspicious. But she was also feeling guilty. If only she hadnt changed channels! What a waste of time The Clones were, she didnt care about them and they could always but copied but losing the Chipmunks was worse. At least Alvin, Simon and Theodore were originals.

Prince William called his dad and said he was planning on taking his wife and the grandkids to Evereverland first as they wanted to see the crocodiles and eat Morton Bay Bugs, and also, experience getting stung by jellyfish and being sunburnt.

Wear a hat son, be glad your ears dont stick out like mine do.

William assured him that he would take all precautions, and besides the Monarchy was at stake. If he came across any Republicans he would just bowl them all out with an endless five day cricket test match.

Morty managed to calm Miss Ruby somewhat but she was still quite agitated. The thought of having her beautiful island inhabited by bogans was too much for her. She decided she needed to form a plan and so she drafted this plan on paper. The first thing she would do is film a commercial of Eden Island to play on Barry Island. On this commercial she would make Eden Island look as unattractive as ever to the bogans. It would say that there was no alcohol, eskies, cigarettes, no wearing black, no drugs, no listening to ACDC or anything rock, no pubs, no nightclubs, no driving of fords or holdens. She would also advertise the island is without electricity and there are no shops. If this did not deter them she still had her alligators on hand whom all seemed to be hungry at all times.

Cloning herself some Ruby lookalikes for an army was still a good idea so she googled to find any mad scientists. It seemed most lived in Mosestaria. "Typical" Miss Ruby said. She finally came across one that lived in Pennsylvania known by the name of Mr Jeckyl. She rang Mr Jeckyl and he seemed as mad as his name suggested. "Perfect" Miss Ruby said. "He is just the mad scientist I am looking for." She arranged to have him flown over to Eden Island in two days. She had time to think how she wanted these Ruby clones to look like.

As she was thinking this over the postal services delivered a package to her. It was from her enemy the Chieftan. It seemed that he was trying to keep the peace by sending her gifts and an insulting note. She put the flowers in a vase, ate the chocolates and wondered what this clone o matic machine was all about so she googled that to. It seems it was a machine that cloned things for you. She decided that it would be useful so she placed it on a shelf in her office. At this stage she would rather give the mad scientist the opportunity to clone her the perfect Ruby army.

She asked Morty to help her design these clones and the two of them sat up till past midnight designing them. They retired to their respective huts ready for a good sleep. The mad scientist would be arriving in 48hrs. Miss Ruby was very excited.

Back on Barry R Island, the Great Chieftain paced worriedly up and down the beach. He hadn't heard back from Miss Ruby or Morty yet, and could only suspect this meant that someone in Rubyland was still somewhat upset about her alligators. He had conscripted a number of bogans to assemble a large, neutral-zone hut within which to conduct potential future diplomatic meetings.

The bogans seemed quite unhappy about being conscripted to the task, but the Great Chieftain had insisted, and informed them all that he'd give them the rest of the day off for their troubles. Several of the bogans complained that their employers would be expecting them to work later in the afternoon, but the Great Chieftain explained that he'd already cleared it with their employers, and this was an emergency.

Several hours later and still no communication from the Empress of Rubyland, so the Great Chieftain thought he'd better give her a call.

However, when he called, her phone went straight to message bank. The Great Chieftain breathed a little easier. "She's probably busy installing the waste receptacles and public bathrooms I advised her about", the Great Chieftain thought excitedly. "Although, I do hope she doesn't go to too much trouble. She should know that bogans rarely use the bins or toilets provided, anyway."

Eden Island would be the perfect holiday escape for his bogans. Plenty of room for their eskies, plenty of natural beauty for the bogan-kids to climb, crush and enjoy, and the scenic view of the ocean, the sand and the trees would contrast beautifully with the black clothing that bogans seemed to favour.

"Of course, there will have to be some rules," the Great Chieftain told himself. "For example, I can't stand heavy metal music... And nightclubs would most certainly have to be prohibited... And then there are also those other issues of alcohol, cigarettes and drugs that sadly are too often associated with bogans..."

The Great Chieftain paused, and a look of understanding crossed over his face. "Of course! The bogans would never follow those rules, and Eden Island would be destroyed..."

He hurriedly starting composing another letter to the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland.

"Dear Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland,

Salutations to my respected arch-nemesis, and also her acquaintence of little merit, Morty, who is acknowledged despite his less-than-honourable deeds of yore.

It is my sincere wish that a proxy-war between Rubyland and Mosestaria - via the Great Barry R Island - be averted, and the lives of many Great Barry R islanders and possibly several Rubylanders be spared from any artificial shortening.

To this purpose, I humbly propose an emergency diplomatic meeting in Jennymaesia, to curtail hostilities, re-establish the peace, and determine a mutually beneficial solution to the Bogan Question.

Yours nefariously,

The Great Chieftain"

He didn't send any milk chocolates this time, because he didn't want E-Ruby to suspect he was trying to make her fat, and he didn't send any flowers either, because she probably still had the flowers from last time. However, because he also didn't want to appear cheap, he sent her a fuel voucher so she could get around her island a little bit faster without trying to conserve fuel so much, in these times of costly gasoline and escalating petrol prices.

He had just given the instruction to the bad Mordecai to post the letter, when a strange-looking man approached him. The man must have been pretty strange looking indeed for him to appear as such to the Great Chieftain.

"Excuse me," the strange man asked the Great Chieftain in a distinctly Pennsylvanian accent, "But I couldn't help overhearing you mention the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland. I believe she lives somewhere around here, but I'm struggling to find her. I was supposed to see her in about 36 hours, but I'm running a little early."

The Great Chieftain nodded. It was somewhat of a risk, visiting Eden Island during a time of war, but despite his arch-nemesis' flaws, she had mostly not tried to kill him in the past, and he figured he could press his luck one more time. If past performance were any indicator of future events, the worst he might expect was a good freezing and some follow-up public humiliation.

"I can take you to her," the Great Chieftain replied. "I'm the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria, by the way." He stretched out his hand for shaking, as was the Great Barry R Islander tradition.

The stranger likewise stretched out his hand, and the two men completed the Great Barry R Islander greeting ritual by the vigorous shaking of hands. "Mr Jeckyl, at your service," the stranger with Pennsylvanian accent replied.

Miss Ruby heard the horn of the ferry and wondered who had made their way over to Rubyland. She was expecting Dr Jeckyl but he was not due for another day. She hoped it was no bogans and ordered her alligators to get ready, just in case. Morty looked through the binoculars and he gasped saying onboard was the Chieftan and some mad looking guy. Miss Ruby gasped.

"What is my enemy doing here" she said to Morty. Morty shrugged his shoulders not knowing the answer.
"He seems to be with some peculiar looking old man and they seem to be deep in conversation" Morty replied.
"I do hope that is not Dr Jeckyl and if so I hope he is not revealing my plan to my enemy to produce an army of Ruby's" Miss Ruby said. It was all too much for her and she fainted in the arms of Morty.

Miss Ruby fainted into the strong arms of Morty, who was only too happy to accommodate her. As much as he despised the Great Chieftain, he did acknowledge that it was the presence of the Great Chieftain which had facilitated him this unexpected pleasure. He gently revived Miss Ruby by supporting her as he rested her upon her feet, and whispering something encouraging and kind into her ear.

The peculiar-looking old man stumbled from the jetty, through the water onto the beach, to face Morty and the recently-revived Miss Ruby. Miss Ruby, still a little light-headed, wondered briefly if this was another bogan. However, the old man appeared to be mad rather than bad, and was wearing clothes - not black - that appeared to be even more outdated than the Mosestarian Chieftain's. "Like, 1800s outdated," Miss Ruby thought to herself.

She noted with some secret satisfaction that the Great Chieftain didn't intrude upon her beach, but instead, remained upon the ferry. She did consider having him captured and duly executed, but decided against it, as her great, great, great, great Grandma Rubina had defeated her Mosestarian opponent in honourable combat, rather than when he was defenceless and well - dare she say it? - kind of pathetic looking.

As the ferry departed back to the Great Barry R Island with the Great Chieftain, the old, mad, peculiar fellow stretched out his arm toward the Empress E-Ruby of Rubyland. Morty smacked the intruder's hand away defensively, but Miss Ruby chided him "Morty, I think he means no harm - his action is to greet me, rather than to harm me."

"Mr Jeckyl, at your service," the stranger greeted Miss Ruby. She noted the man spoke with a strong, Pennsylvanian accent. "Now, about those clones..." the stranger continued enthusiastically.

It was day 2 since the Chipmunks had gone missing.

Where did you see them last Miss Greenlips Hine?

They were on the tv. She said. Then I went outside to get some tea leaves for my cuppa. I was only gone for about two minutes and when I came back they were gone.

She was distraught. I must have left the window open, Im sure I closed the ranch slider.

President Lanolin considered, that maybe they should do another search of inside the Beehive as they might just be playing hide and seek inside.

Those cheeky chipmunks! I bet they are having a grand old time while we go on a wild goose chase for them.

President Lanolin wasnt known for her big voice, but this time she got on the loudspeaker and hollered ALVIIIIN!!!

All of Wellington CBD heard.

Madame Doubtfire was composing a lullaby revue for Bubba, she had big plans for Bubbas career as a child star.

Her debut role would be as Baby Jesus in the Nativity play, and as she grew up she would be in other parts that needed orphans like The Sound of Music, Annie, Matilda, Harry Potter and the cursed Child, Anne of Green Gables, Pippi Longstocking, The Wizard of Oz, Les Miserables, Mamma Mia, Oliver!, etc.

Bubba looked pleased as Madame Doubtfire read Mem Fox stories and taught her 'Rockaby your baby with a Dixie Melody'.

You'll be just like little Miss Judy Garland in A star is Born. I predict great things for you.
She added Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to the set list. The costumes for that one would be spectacular. Your stage mama is going to be so proud, I dont know about your dad though.

Sir Peter was pleased with Miss Zipmouths performance as Baba Yaga, nobody could tell that it was her. He didnt even need to direct her hardly at all, it was like she really WAS Baba Yaga. Great talent was coming out of the DEAD.

Filming in Evereverland was much easier and not nearly as cold. The defrosted cast were glad of this change in plot, there was only so much Frozen pizza and Anna and Elsa tropes they could take.

The next big set was to be a giant mosh pit. It needed a large crowd of bogans to film the scene where Baba Yaga throws herself in to be torn apart and drowned in huge puddle of beer and urine, like the aftermath of Glastonbury. Sir Peter made the casting call for extras, and put a sign out saying Bogans wanted for movie scene. Free beer.

Take that George Lucas and your stupid Star Wars clone movies, muttered Sir Peter.

“Bye now”, Ms Jenny and her brother hugged each other before she and Charles, or rather Dixie-May and Billy-Rae embarked on the plane. The aircraft was the Queen of the Jennymaesian fleet. Brand new. This time the flight was packed. In Empress class, though, it was like a suite with a Michelin restaurant for the journey.

“Lady Jenny, what a pleasure to have You onboard again”, the air hostesses greeted her, “Your hair looks lovely.”

“Thank You so much, and this is my fiancé, Charles”, Ms Jenny said a little more sternly than planned whenever she discovered that the air hostesses was making a lot of eyes in Charles’ direction.

They entered the suite and the Champagne was perfectly tempered. The bottle was emptied before cruising altitude and a new bottle made its way to their home up in the air. Charles became very talkative after the first bottle. “You know, Mhisj Djeanny, the firrst time I shjaw djyou I losjt m-m-m-y shissinesh comp-complelt-comp…pletely”, he tried to say coolly. Ms Jenny smiled like a little girl who had won the biggest teddy bear there was, and you might could say she had.

Charles dozed off and Ms Jenny laid her head on his shoulder and was soon sound asleep as well.

She woke up to the troublesome feeling of diving. An air hostess informed them, in the relaxed way they had been trained to, that both pilots were out and the aircraft was losing altitude. Ms Jenny froze. “What happens now?” she screamed in the least dignified way possible. The air hostess smiled comfortingly. “We’ll crash inside 20 minutes.”

Miss Zipmouth met one of the extras on the set and was intrigued by his air of mystery. They arranged a lunch date together where they shared a buffet tray.

I like anything thats not pizza, said Miss Zipmouth
I will eat anything, said the actor - except muffins.

Are you playing a bogan? You dont look like one. You're too clean cut.

The actor wondered about Miss Zipmouth as well. She looked too pretty to be a bogan.

After some beating around the bush she found out that he was an ex- Shortland Street actor and was originally from Lanolinland.

Lanolinland! Miss Zipmouth had heard about this far away place that the Chieftain detested. He claimed it was full of greenie heathens but she thought it couldnt have been that bad if they had rescued Bubba.

what about you? Asked the ex-Shortie actor. I dont suppose you are from Evereverland. Your hair isnt mauve.

Miss Zipmouth wondered if she ought to reveal her identity. better not risk it. She didnt want to recall the trauma of having to flee her beloved Japovia to a stranger. And being held captive in former Mosestaria and nearly cloned.

Have you heard of a place called..Tatooine?

Nope, never heard of it.

Miss Zipmouth was relieved. She could make up whatever she liked.