Maybe God sent me to join this community just so I could find your post.
I browsed that site.
“Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons.” (1 Tim 4:1)
I was taken to church from a very young age.
Then a few years after my maternal grandparents died in a car accident my connection to the faith started to slip.
Years later I moved to go to school and started to practice Wicca. Then very briefly I dabbled in Satanism and even atheism.
Now and for a few years I keep being led to my childhood faith, Christianity. Not so much the church attendance part.
More like entering into online communities to discuss the faith.
Even so, there's this battle of two minds working inside me.
One side rationalizes what we're asked to take on faith.
The other side at times feels like I want to curl up inside a giant Bible, close the cover and stay there. So longing for what many Christians seem to have. Assurance, and peace, that it's all true and does make sense.
But of late the critical side is the loudest.
Now, I wonder as someone who was baptized in my early teens, if Jesus is there would he guide me and empower the faithful side of my rational critical mind? Given all the roads I've traveled and all the arguments I've made in my rational critical side that thinks the faith doesn't make sense.
Yet I can't just leave it alone.
Friends say that can be the hardwiring that was instilled when I was exposed to the faith at a very young age.
What I do know is that my life has been not so positive after I returned to my home state after my parents died.
Before that move and still in Wicca my life was looking good.
Now, after that loss my life seems to get more depressed. I left Wicca years ago having realized how silly it all was. I've been adrift ever since.
I'm wondering if the crux of that prayer, demons, dark forces, have something to do with it?
Even writing that my critical side argues against it. All manner of thoughts like, if demons and such are at work why does God let that happen? He created everything and is the supreme power over all things.
God created Lucifer. Demons. Everything. Nothing operates outside God's presence and authority.
Isn't salvation asking to be saved from what God ordained?
Stuff like that just racks up as a dialog of doubt.
Wow! I think I've said enough as a newbie. Sorry for the long post.
