Mothers Day Reality

We honor the women in our lives today.
One mother didn't want me, and the other did.
I wanted to be a different mother to my children than my parents were.
I evht now because I was left in the state I was in and realized the only person in the world you thought you had doesn't even care enough to tell you where she is or who she's with.
I'm denied or attacked no matter what I say or where I go.
To find the light, I joined online support groups.
I tried to join addict platforms but couldn't find a horror story that fit my addiction, so I was ignored and called a troll.
I attended meetings, posted my needs, and tried to contribute.
I wasn't wanted.
I never received any requests, and no one responded to my comments at meetings.
I went to mental health platforms when I felt out of place as an addict to see if I could find support.
If I spoke, I was attacked again.
Whatever I posted, someone had something negative to say.
As God stated, "Already, who cares?
I'm afraid of the gun, not the dying.
I sit in these meetings and hear person after person blame their problems on this or that person, how this or that person is doing this to them or making them act this way or that way.
A newcomer seeking support may feel intimidated because everyone in the meetings has been there for years.
I didn't fit in with professional horror stories.
My substance use was always under control.
I did more as an addict than I ever did sober.
I worked hard in 2022 to change my life, my daughter's life, and my son's destiny.
I moved to a new town, went back to high school and graduated, and applied to college while thinking I was an addict.
Before the substance, I was broken, but school showed me how bad.
I went from a broken child who was unwanted and thrown out by her parents to a full-grown adult who thought she did right by her kids only to be lied to and abandoned without ever getting the truth.
I thought I had found my missing link when I started attending codependency group meetings, but as soon as I got comfortable, I was again called names and made out to be a liar in denial.
"Oh, your poor kids," other moms say when I ask for support.
They don't care if I'm hurting or if they see pain in my words; they live to make others miserable, and they are.
Why would I join a support group to lie about my situation and make it up?
Why would I want unknown attackers?
If I knew what would happen, why would I risk more pain?
I've never felt safe in a house or approaching someone.
I've never experienced being okay.
It's how?
I've failed despite my best efforts.
I didn't party my 20s.
When it came down to it, I didn't pick either husband.
I was at war with my father the day he died because I wouldn't let him spank my son.
I wish I had backed down, and I'll regret it forever.
I'm not kidding—my kids are mean to me.
They wanted to fight me whenever I corrected them.
Because I was scared and had to fight my mom, I never fought back.
Looking back, I wish I had let my dad beat the snot out of them like he tried several times, but I was scared for my kids, which was stupid.
Guys, thanks.
My children learned early on that if I couldn't or wouldn't give them something, they could call and it would be taken care of, whether I wanted it to or not.
I wlous daughter of your mom's relationship with her husband, but no one ever sat down beside me and told me it would be okay and that I could get through this too.
One night, my daughter kissed me and said she'd see me in the morning.
That was seventy-eight days ago, and I'm being told to get over it or attacked and doubted for lying.
Since she left, I've been sober and in therapy.
I can't cry about my daughter's death because I'm told to get over it or accused of lying.
Do I ever not feel like a mistake?
If I find people who want to support me and show me they care about my life, "My life matters to whom?
Because I've been looking for one person since I was born, and here I am, without even one person to write down as an emergency contact, yet I'm just looking for people to mess with?
In a meeting, I press hearts like everyone else, and I'm accused of harassment?
Someone in the support group got mad at me for showing them support, and I would almost die for just one person to see more than a monster that was a mistake.
If my children aren't around me and aren't telling me how to fix it because I was abusive to them, they'll message me when they're ready to let me be their mom again.
I'm an outsider to the child I raised alone for 15 years.
I want death.
I want to hurt the person who made my children hate me.
I was threatened their entire lives and bullied into everything to keep them happy or lose them.
I went through all their hoops but still got trashed.
I did my best for both my children, but one day they woke up and quit me with no warning, no chance to apologize or fix anything.
I asked my child not to lie, and now I don't have her, and the only support I get is that I'm in denial about my abusive ways.
I've seen multiple therapists, gone to school, stayed sober, and tried to talk to her, but she won't even call me to tell me who she's staying with.
Why did these people take my daughter after all these years?
Where is my little girl?
If the state had taken her because I got into trouble, I would have been able to get her back, but they are lying and I'm terrified of her hurting herself, so I'm sitting here ready to jump off a cliff because everywhere I turn is another reminder of how alone I am.
or my humor.
Every day my daughter doesn't want to see me is a day I don't want to see.
Every day that my son and his girlfriend attack me because I was such an abusive mother who didn't take care of my kids and I'm too mentally ill to admit it?
One minute they said I loved you, the next I tried to correct them, and they punished me and never came home again, and all anyone can tell me is to get over it.
Acknowledge the abuse and get help.
I'm ignored and treated like a germ even though she's lying and not with her dad.
Where were these people earlier?
Why didn't either of them tell me we had a problem before they destroyed my life and left?
Why was I good enough to struggle with them and do all this alone, but not good enough to correct them or ask them to be children?
How do you come back after fifteen years and take a little girl from them and let them lie to their mom?
Pam
Whatley, you lied to the authorities; you already cost one little girl her mama when you bullied her and took her baby, and now you're stealing mine and lying to the authorities that she is living with her father to make up for all the years she wasn't good enough for your family.
Whatever you say about me doesn't matter.
My children were in therapy when they showed me who was boss.
I was sexually, physically, and mentally abused my whole life.
I wasn't consoled by anyone.
In fact, my grandmother spent my entire life punishing me for my mother's sins because she couldn't get to her to pay her back for taking her baby boy.
Um, the baby boy you beat up with an extension cord when you were drunk?
What about the other babies you abused?
She saw my mother and her chance for revenge when I told her I was being abused.
She cried about me being her mother for fifteen years and taught my daughter to hate her mom, and guess what?
While I prayed to God for the courage to pull the trigger, she ran around town half-naked with her dead grandma crying about her abusive mother, who is unworthy of even a phone call telling her the truth about her little girl.
I'm sorry it wasn't enough after fifteen years of them doing nothing.
That's how unworthy I am?
How important is my life?
While I hate the only person I see, lie and hurt me.
You could have moved on to your deadbeats without lying to me and making me hate myself for trusting you and believing your lies when you pulled your kill yourself bs when I tried to take your phone or ask you to clean your room.
Yep.
I'm less than a year from graduating college with honors, but I'm still a dumbass crackhead unworthy of telling my child not to lie.
Daniel Driver, Pam Whatley, and Laverne Reeves, thank you.
I hope destroying my life after raising that child alone makes you all sleep better at night and that God continues to punish you for being such demonic losers.
I'm sober and go to five recovery meetings a week.
My kid hasn't gone to school yet.
Has she seen a therapist?
Tell the authorities where she lives.
What's up with adults?
What's the point?
Why was I good enough to support these two humans and take the blame for all their crap, but never once since they were born have I been allowed to upset them or tell them no because they would tell on me and my grandma or my parents would attack me and make me feel like garbage and buy them what I didn't and make me look like crap?
Guys, you win.
I am a crazy person who supported someone else's kids while they lived their own lives.
My children will look me in the eye and tell me that I act like my childhood trauma is their fault when I try to understand where the abuse they claim they got came from.
They care about punishing me for what I couldn't provide, not what I went through.
My son has been gone for three years and is still too abused to talk to me without attacking me, get a job or go to school, or see a therapist to fix the life I ruined with my abusive ways.
Why would anyone in my life want to live?
Show me where someone in my shoes would think anything about their life was good enough to continue.
Seeking attention?
By whom?
I don't have an emergency contact to write down.
Who else would I try to get?
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms who were good enough to raise their own kids without a bitter old hag taking them away.
I'm jealous, ladies.

The best thing to do is the next thing.

If you can't do the thing you want, do something else.

There is much in your post that seems to depend on other people to validate you. That will almost always be disappointing.

I can't even try to address the rest, but it seems a lot like you need to talk to someone. Maybe a pastor.

In the meantime, welcome to the forum.