Struggling

Just really struggling with my faith as of late. I am an x pastor. But seeing abusive leaders in positions of power that are harming those trying to focus on Christ but are still in positions of power, or those that have sexually abused congregates but takes a while for them to be removed in their leadership roles. Or not having any Christian friends anymore or people to discuss faith with. Or the many differences in the Christian faith but specifically around people such as women, single moms, gender in leadership etc. People seem to see a different Jesus then I do...one that wants obedience but is for both male and female and for where their heart is and in telling genders they have specific roles that they must stay in their lane. Also, questioning if I can continue with my marriage where it feels I take care of everything and they forget, or they are no longer interested in faith which feels like its me pulling a huge wagon uphill. I'm just exhausted, I do devotions, pray but don't feel I am receiving anything but a depressed spirit that feels alone in their faith journey but am required to keep pouring from an empty cup.
I hope this makes sense to someone. Just is there actually a God, or have I been fooled all this time. Spending countless hours of study, prayer to something/someone that is not there....

Just really struggling with my faith as of late. I am an x pastor. But seeing abusive leaders in positions of power that are harming those trying to focus on Christ but are still in positions of power, or those that have sexually abused congregates but takes a while for them to be removed in their leadership roles. Or not having any Christian friends anymore or people to discuss faith with. Or the many differences in the Christian faith but specifically around people such as women, single moms, gender in leadership etc. People seem to see a different Jesus then I do...one that wants obedience but is for both male and female and for where their heart is and in telling genders they have specific roles that they must stay in their lane. Also, questioning if I can continue with my marriage where it feels I take care of everything and they forget, or they are no longer interested in faith which feels like its me pulling a huge wagon uphill. I'm just exhausted, I do devotions, pray but don't feel I am receiving anything but a depressed spirit that feels alone in their faith journey but am required to keep pouring from an empty cup.
I hope this makes sense to someone. Just is there actually a God, or have I been fooled all this time. Spending countless hours of study, prayer to something/someone that is not there....

Just really struggling with my faith as of late. I am an x pastor.

Sometimes God leaves us alone for a season to expose to us all that is in our hearts. During such times it is not unusual for doubt to creep in. It must have been how John the Baptist felt after having done all that God had asked of him, and yet he found himself in prison. After encouraging him by reminding him of all that was being accomplished for the kingdom, Jesus left him with some sage advice...blessed is he, whosoever is not offended in Me. You know what He is saying? Blessing accrues to those who accept the way God chooses to exercise His sovereignty in our lives, trusting that He knows best.
I hope and pray you find this blessing.

He's there, remember the footprints in the sand?

It is my opinion that the level of competence of a (good) leader is measured primarily in their ability to influence rather than their power to control. Influence without interest in control reciprocates a willingness to change while control without interest of influence commonly generates a hostile revolt, or at least so it would seem to me.

You sound like someone who built the foundation of their Faith on earthly organizations and people.. Better to build from the Holy Bible and the Word of God then hope for other humans to live out the perfection that is Christ..

As far as i am concerned i could end up in a Noah type situation being alone with the LORD and while that would be incredibly sad i could keep on walking with the LORD to my last day..

And to answer your question.. Yes indeed there is a God and He is the God of Abraham.. If you have been fooled in any way it may have been in relying on other humans to reflect God in this world in their faulty flesh..

Don't mix up you relationship with the LORD with your relationships with other human beings..

I pray that Jesus will reveal his God to you.

I think the first step is to explore what led you to becoming an "ex" pastor.

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I'm just exhausted,

Yes you are so right. That is why at times I have difficulty seeing those who have been placed in positions of power that are abusing that power. Not using it as influence but as control. Seeing that hostile revolt, and making hard decisions as to when to speak, when to be quiet and when to exit at times feels weighty when all your really want to Jesus to be seen.

May I suggest that you talk to your doctor about your feelings of depression and of tiredness.

If you can talk to a Christian you respect and seek out a church where you can slip in the back and worship.

There is a God, why else is there anything.
Sometimes we just need to stop and look/listen.

Look at yourself as a sower, with the only seed given you to work with is your faith (that no one can take from you, which not from the collective lack of trying, so neither let anyone take it from you). Just put it out there and trust God will tend the ground around it. Whether that is directly or by sending others, that's left up to God's discretion.

And be encouraged, not discouraged. Personally, I suspect I might be of a pattern, myself, of the church that suffers that woman jezebel (but I am not that woman and neither should you allow anyone to convince you that you might be and in no position to be a leader).

Can I ask that you rephrase "Personally, I suspect I might be of a pattern, myself, of the church that suffers that woman jezebel (but I am not that woman and neither should you allow anyone to convince you that you might be and in no position to be a leader)" to ensure I understand what you are meaning. Appreciate it.