can you guys post something funny please?
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A lesson in listening, comprehension, and following directions/instructions... 
I covered it with a sheet of paper to watch a minute. It makes me wonder how those teachers can get anything across to them?
Here are a few humorous reasons someone might choose not to get married:
"I don't want to give up my freedom to choose my own socks."
"I don't want to have to share my ice cream."
"I don't want to have to compromise on what color to paint the living room."
"I don't want to have to deal with in-laws."
https://www.marriage.com/advice/rel... that a man may,indicate a lack of commitment.
"I don't want to give up my freedom to choose my own socks."
"I don't want to have to share my ice cream."
"I don't want to have to compromise on what color to paint the living room."
"I don't want to have to deal with in-laws."
https://www.marriage.com/advice/rel... that a man may,indicate a lack of commitment.
- Nothing would happen .
- You will be single and ready to mingle ☺
- You will be Kool and happy , since you are not responsible for someone else's lives.
- No responsibilities.
- YOU will be the king / queen of your life.
- You will be not answerable to anyone.
- You don't have to spend your money on your wife or kids.
- You can live life on your terms.
- You can lead a nomad life ☺
(Ok, so you have to be a married man for these to really hit home ...)
Matrimony is not a word, it is a sentence.
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, the wife says, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replies, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" Asked the friend.
"A billionaire".
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Marriage is like a besieged fortress:
those on the outside are dying to get in, and those on the inside are dying to get out!
This is my rule of married life: it's better to be happy than to be right.
Click & Clack, the Tappet Brothers
All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right.
If a man is talking alone in the woods, and his wife doesn't hear him ... is he still wrong?
My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
(A serious one)
The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults.
Peter De Vries, editor, novelist (1910-1993) [The Tunnel of Love, 1954]
The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
They say marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
Marriage is the best magician there is. In front of your eyes it can change an exciting, cute little dish into a boring dishwasher.
Ryan O'Neal
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West
Love is blind - marriage is the eye-opener.
Pauline Thomason
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.
William Congreve, dramatist (1670-1729)
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Voltaire, philosopher (1694-1778)
When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner, comedienne (1955- )
Never hate a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
HL Mencken
A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
Robert Quillen, journalist and cartoonist (1887-1948)
http://www.sdss.jhu.edu/~thakar/humor/marriage.html
https://livingreframed.com/humorous-marriage-advice/
200 Marriage Jokes
1. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
2. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: "Yes, dear."
3. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I haven't fit in my pants since March.
4. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
5. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
6. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time!
7. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.
What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
8. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
9. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone.
10. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Related: 125 Wedding Instagram Captions
11. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
12. My wife says I can join your gang, but I have to be home by 9.
13. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life.
14. My wife renewed me for another season.
15. Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other, "Do you have to do that right now?"
16. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
17. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
18. "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
19. Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
20. "People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman." — Erma Bombeck
21. The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
Related: You’ve Got This, Guys! Tips and Advice on How To Give the Perfect Best Man Speech
22. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
23. Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
24. I know what you’re all thinking: Doesn’t the best man look great in his suit? I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime that includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional—I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress.
25. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
26. I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you'll ever be the center of attention.
27. Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”
Wife: “I'm looking for an expiration date.”
28. I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today that my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
Related: 250 Deep Questions to Ask a Guy or Girl
29. Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch, all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
30. For those of you without the internet, I'll update you on the Bride’s Facebook account, which she's secretly using under the table as I speak. (checks phone) Her status has been changed to "married," both of her parents immediately "disliked" this, and 32 guys in this room have already “poked” her.
31. Didn't she (the bride) look absolutely gorgeous as she swept down the aisle? Well, (groom's name), you can be sure that's the very last time you will see her sweep!
32. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
33. "Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat." — Chris Burns
34. I hear that we're here to roast the happy couple.
35. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is (speaker's name), and I am the best man. Let me just say that the groom has a splendid set of friends and to be chosen from such an esteemed company was something of a surprise. And since that moment I have struggled almost daily with an uneasy sensation, which I can compare only to the first disagreeable feelings which usually precede a fit of sea-sickness.
36. (Giving a wedding speech) "There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish what they start..." (walks off)
37. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
38. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always."
39. A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
40. Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I heard two scoutmasters recently decided to tie the knot.
41. "If I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker!"
42. I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding. Hours of discussion, debate and disagreement—and finally he/she asked me to marry him/her.
43. Do you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
44. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
45. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
46. The bride and groom began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together—during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped.
47. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
48. Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image-conscious, but this morning was particularly bad—he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?
49. My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
50. My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
Related: 100 Funny Comebacks
51. The groom is a very talented man. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd businessman, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. He’s so talented he can fake all of that.
52. When I first started dating my wife, she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn't get a job because he couldn't tie a tie. She meant goals.
53. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
54. The groom has informed me that the buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, on his behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…
55. Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
200 Marriage Jokes
1. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
2. Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always get the last two words in: "Yes, dear."
3. My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school. I gave birth zero times and I haven't fit in my pants since March.
4. Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
5. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
6. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors and don't work half the time!
7. Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.
What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!
8. What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
9. I must inform you that I’ve had rather a heavy night and I’m still feeling a little fragile. Therefore please spare a thought and try not to clap and yelp too loudly during my speech, however tempting that might be. You’d think I’d know better than to be out boozing in the early hours just before a big wedding, but I don’t like to see the groom drinking alone.
10. The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Related: 125 Wedding Instagram Captions
11. Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
12. My wife says I can join your gang, but I have to be home by 9.
13. Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life.
14. My wife renewed me for another season.
15. Marriage is full of surprises but it's mostly just asking each other, "Do you have to do that right now?"
16. Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.
17. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
18. "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
19. Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
20. "People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman." — Erma Bombeck
21. The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.
Related: You’ve Got This, Guys! Tips and Advice on How To Give the Perfect Best Man Speech
22. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
23. Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
24. I know what you’re all thinking: Doesn’t the best man look great in his suit? I would like to comment that this is down to a fitness regime that includes me doing at least 50 push-ups a day for the last three months. But I should mention that none of them have actually been intentional—I’ve just been collapsing a lot from all the nerves and stress.
25. Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
26. I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you'll ever be the center of attention.
27. Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”
Wife: “I'm looking for an expiration date.”
28. I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today that my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
Related: 250 Deep Questions to Ask a Guy or Girl
29. Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch, all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
30. For those of you without the internet, I'll update you on the Bride’s Facebook account, which she's secretly using under the table as I speak. (checks phone) Her status has been changed to "married," both of her parents immediately "disliked" this, and 32 guys in this room have already “poked” her.
31. Didn't she (the bride) look absolutely gorgeous as she swept down the aisle? Well, (groom's name), you can be sure that's the very last time you will see her sweep!
32. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
33. "Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat." — Chris Burns
34. I hear that we're here to roast the happy couple.
35. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is (speaker's name), and I am the best man. Let me just say that the groom has a splendid set of friends and to be chosen from such an esteemed company was something of a surprise. And since that moment I have struggled almost daily with an uneasy sensation, which I can compare only to the first disagreeable feelings which usually precede a fit of sea-sickness.
36. (Giving a wedding speech) "There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish what they start..." (walks off)
37. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
38. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right, but I didn't know her first name was "Always."
39. A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
40. Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I heard two scoutmasters recently decided to tie the knot.
41. "If I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker!"
42. I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding. Hours of discussion, debate and disagreement—and finally he/she asked me to marry him/her.
43. Do you know why the king of hearts married the queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.
44. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
45. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
46. The bride and groom began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together—during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume the groom had her wings clipped.
47. My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day, so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
48. Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image-conscious, but this morning was particularly bad—he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?
49. My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
50. My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.
Related: 100 Funny Comebacks
51. The groom is a very talented man. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd businessman, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. He’s so talented he can fake all of that.
52. When I first started dating my wife, she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn't get a job because he couldn't tie a tie. She meant goals.
53. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
54. The groom has informed me that the buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, on his behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…
55. Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
56. It has been a very emotional day...as some of you must have noticed, even the cake is in tiers.
57. Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you're either me (because I am) or you just married (groom's name).
58. Arguing with your wife/husband is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end, you just give up and go "I agree."
59. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.
60. Top three situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
61. My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
62. My wife says I never listen... or something like that.
63. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
64. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.
65. I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
66. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours, I'd found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
67. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
68. (You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech.) “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police…[put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that, then!”
69. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
70. Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac, but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative on the same night. That was a messy one!
Related: 50 Funny Valentine Jokes
71. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
72. Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway. When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks...
73. Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve known him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding.
74. Q: What's the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
75. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. I have been Tim’s mate for two days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends, so had to hire someone for the day.
76. I’d also like to congratulate the groom on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
77. Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
78. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is (Name) and for those of you that do … well I apologize. My full name is actually ‘(Name) would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.
79. Why did the Mormon cross the road? To get to the other bride.
80. My son asked me what it's like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
81. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
82. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Ann Bancroft
83. I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her, "At least the wedding went off without a hitch."
84. I need to make this speech quick because my date for the night charges by the hour.
85. Firstly, I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact, this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
86. Marriage is the alliance of two people—one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
87. Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
88. Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however, the groom was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.
89. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
90. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
Unsplash
91. Did you hear about the two bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.
92. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:
So where do I start with (Groom's name)? Well, for starters, he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry....(Groom’s name) …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.
93. Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she'll never change. Both are mistaken.
94. Now, I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.
95. There was one time when (Groom's name) was asked, "What is (Bride's) favorite flower?" To which he had no hesitation in replying, "Self-Rising!"
96. What’s the last thing you’ll say to your wife before going to sleep? It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway.
97. If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
98. Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.
99. Leading up to today, the bride and groom were having an issue with the seating plan—who would sit comfortably in here and who would have to get up and stand during the speeches—so we decided to use the wedding present list: biggest presents at the front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of (Bride) and (Groom), thank you very much for the teaspoons.
100. Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.
57. Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you're either me (because I am) or you just married (groom's name).
58. Arguing with your wife/husband is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end, you just give up and go "I agree."
59. Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.
60. Top three situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
61. My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
62. My wife says I never listen... or something like that.
63. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
64. My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.
65. I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
66. I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours, I'd found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
67. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
68. (You’ll need a prop for this one – a heavy stack of cue cards that might be used as memory joggers for your speech.) “I caught up with Martin’s mum earlier and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents with his ex-girlfriend [pause and put a third of the cue cards on the table], alcohol, [pause and put the second third of the cue cards on the table] or the police…[put the remaining cards down and start to gently whistle to yourself]…well that’s that, then!”
69. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
70. Mark has always been a bit of a hypochondriac, but I think he learned his lesson during exam time when he took a sleeping tablet and a laxative on the same night. That was a messy one!
Related: 50 Funny Valentine Jokes
71. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
72. Well, I do hope that the bride and groom enjoy their honeymoon. I assume that’s where they’re going anyway. When I asked the groom what he was doing after the wedding he said he was going to Bangor for two weeks...
73. Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve known him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic..sorry, wrong wedding.
74. Q: What's the difference between love and marriage? A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!
75. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Matt. I have been Tim’s mate for two days now, he found my advert on a website as he hasn’t got many friends, so had to hire someone for the day.
76. I’d also like to congratulate the groom on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
77. Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
78. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is (Name) and for those of you that do … well I apologize. My full name is actually ‘(Name) would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I’d appreciate it if you could use my full name.
79. Why did the Mormon cross the road? To get to the other bride.
80. My son asked me what it's like to be married, so I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
81. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
82. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." — Ann Bancroft
83. I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her, "At least the wedding went off without a hitch."
84. I need to make this speech quick because my date for the night charges by the hour.
85. Firstly, I’d just like to say I’m very nervous about making this speech. In fact, this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
86. Marriage is the alliance of two people—one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
87. Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
88. Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however, the groom was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.
89. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
90. What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newly-webs.
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91. Did you hear about the two bed bugs that were lovers? They got married in the spring.
92. Now I have a few cards to read out from those who couldn’t make it today:
So where do I start with (Groom's name)? Well, for starters, he’s…Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, He’s Char… Charm…. Sorry....(Groom’s name) …. I’m having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.
93. Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she'll never change. Both are mistaken.
94. Now, I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.
95. There was one time when (Groom's name) was asked, "What is (Bride's) favorite flower?" To which he had no hesitation in replying, "Self-Rising!"
96. What’s the last thing you’ll say to your wife before going to sleep? It doesn’t matter what I say, you’ll buy it anyway.
97. If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.
98. Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.
99. Leading up to today, the bride and groom were having an issue with the seating plan—who would sit comfortably in here and who would have to get up and stand during the speeches—so we decided to use the wedding present list: biggest presents at the front and work it back from there. So hopefully you can hear me at the back when I say on behalf of (Bride) and (Groom), thank you very much for the teaspoons.
100. Today’s wedding is a love match, pure as simple. She’s pure, and he’s simple.
Related: 100 Quotes on Love and Marriage
101. As Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." But marriage is more like your wife inhabiting both bodies.
102. So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no one can say a bad word against him? Anyway, that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about (Groom).
103. Don’t worry, my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. The bride has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And the groom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the party weekend in Vegas.
104. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
105. "The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." — J. Krishnamurti
106. When your wife/husband gets a little upset, just remember a simple "calm down" in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her/him a lot more upset.
107. Taking my husband's last name doesn't mean I'm not a feminist; it means I don't want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.
108. (The bride) did actually tell me that (the groom) has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off.. but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.
109. Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that's true everywhere.
110. On the groom’s first date with the bride, he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven-course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six-pack!
111. I spoke to the bride and groom before the wedding and I asked the groom what he was looking for in marriage. He said, “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked the bride the same question, she replied, "Coffee and turn up the AC."
112. For those of you on the bride’s side who are just getting to know (groom's name); here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.
113. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
114. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
115. They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So, let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!
116. Fornication… [silence]… cough… Forni-… cough… FOR-AN-OCCASION, such as this, I like to start with a joke.
117. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
118. Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
119. The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me, and, after turning him down the first three times, I couldn’t refuse again.
120. Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that 'this conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes."
121. When I was younger, my brother (the groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is.
122. I’m pleased to announce that [bride] and [groom] are expecting…[pause] … you all to have a good time tonight!
123. Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs...
124. I always wanted to marry an archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
125. (This one is interactive.) Have the Best Man ask for anyone with keys to the Groom’s apartment to step forward and return them. In advance, hand out keys to 10-15 women (including the groom's grandma!) and have them come up and return them. Then have the Best Man ask for anyone who has keys to the bride's place, and have only her dad come up.
126. There are three rings in marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and most importantly, the catering.
127. Hello, I’m (Name) and I’m an alcoholic… Oh, wait! Wrong speech!
128. I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months.... I don't like to interrupt her.
129. A couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked if in all those years he had ever thought of divorce. "Heavens no," he replied. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”
130. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
131. The bride deserves a wonderful successful loving husband. Too bad the groom married her before she found one.
132. Firstly, I would like to say that (groom's name), I'm sure everybody here today believes that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (bride's name) hand in marriage. We all know that (bride's name) is smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and by all accounts, she deserves a good husband, so thank God you married her before she found one.
133. There was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.”
134. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers." —Richard Pryor
135. Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married? I heard the reception was perfect.
136. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”
137. I'm not a yes man to my wife—when she says no, I say no.
138. It's not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets.
139. He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years—I hope his wife doesn't find out.
140. Why did the moth stick to the bride's face? Because she was glowing.
141. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. Take advantage of that as much as you can.
142. "I asked my husband, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' He said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told him, 'How about the kitchen?' — Henny Youngman
143. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
144. I walked up the aisle and said "I do." And I've been doing it ever since.
145. Did you hear about the newlyweds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
146. It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. "Aren't you coming to bed darling?" she said sexily."Not in your life!" he replied. "My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I'm not going to miss it for anything!"
147. A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
148. For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!
149. They've been together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March, the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus.
150. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
101. As Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." But marriage is more like your wife inhabiting both bodies.
102. So, what can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where no one can say a bad word against him? Anyway, that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about (Groom).
103. Don’t worry, my speech won’t take too long today, because of my throat. The bride has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long. And the groom has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the party weekend in Vegas.
104. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
105. "The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." — J. Krishnamurti
106. When your wife/husband gets a little upset, just remember a simple "calm down" in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her/him a lot more upset.
107. Taking my husband's last name doesn't mean I'm not a feminist; it means I don't want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.
108. (The bride) did actually tell me that (the groom) has always brightened up her life. Well, she actually said he never turned the lights off.. but it amounts to the same thing pretty much.
109. Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that's true everywhere.
110. On the groom’s first date with the bride, he thought he’d make an impression, and promised her a seven-course meal. She was a tad disappointed when it turned out to be a burger and a six-pack!
111. I spoke to the bride and groom before the wedding and I asked the groom what he was looking for in marriage. He said, “Love, happiness and a long life together.” When I asked the bride the same question, she replied, "Coffee and turn up the AC."
112. For those of you on the bride’s side who are just getting to know (groom's name); here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.
113. Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
114. Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
115. They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So, let’s all raise our glasses and take a last look at the groom. We’re gonna miss you, buddy!
116. Fornication… [silence]… cough… Forni-… cough… FOR-AN-OCCASION, such as this, I like to start with a joke.
117. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
118. Man: “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
Friend: “Why not?”
Man: “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
119. The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me, and, after turning him down the first three times, I couldn’t refuse again.
120. Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that 'this conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes."
121. When I was younger, my brother (the groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is.
122. I’m pleased to announce that [bride] and [groom] are expecting…[pause] … you all to have a good time tonight!
123. Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs...
124. I always wanted to marry an archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
125. (This one is interactive.) Have the Best Man ask for anyone with keys to the Groom’s apartment to step forward and return them. In advance, hand out keys to 10-15 women (including the groom's grandma!) and have them come up and return them. Then have the Best Man ask for anyone who has keys to the bride's place, and have only her dad come up.
126. There are three rings in marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and most importantly, the catering.
127. Hello, I’m (Name) and I’m an alcoholic… Oh, wait! Wrong speech!
128. I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months.... I don't like to interrupt her.
129. A couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked if in all those years he had ever thought of divorce. "Heavens no," he replied. “Murder yes, but never divorce.”
130. My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
131. The bride deserves a wonderful successful loving husband. Too bad the groom married her before she found one.
132. Firstly, I would like to say that (groom's name), I'm sure everybody here today believes that you are a very very, very lucky young man, you have taken (bride's name) hand in marriage. We all know that (bride's name) is smart, funny, warm, loving and caring, and by all accounts, she deserves a good husband, so thank God you married her before she found one.
133. There was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late.”
134. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers." —Richard Pryor
135. Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married? I heard the reception was perfect.
136. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, “Honey, am I your first?” She says, “Why does everyone ask me that?”
137. I'm not a yes man to my wife—when she says no, I say no.
138. It's not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets.
139. He has been in love with the same woman for 25 years—I hope his wife doesn't find out.
140. Why did the moth stick to the bride's face? Because she was glowing.
141. Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life. Take advantage of that as much as you can.
142. "I asked my husband, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' He said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told him, 'How about the kitchen?' — Henny Youngman
143. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
144. I walked up the aisle and said "I do." And I've been doing it ever since.
145. Did you hear about the newlyweds who stayed up all night waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
146. It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and the young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. "Aren't you coming to bed darling?" she said sexily."Not in your life!" he replied. "My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I'm not going to miss it for anything!"
147. A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
148. For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!
149. They've been together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March, the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus.
150. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
151. (Bride) loves the finer things in life. I overheard her when the minister was going through the vows—she said "What's all this garbage about for richer or for poorer?"
152. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace." So, I bought her nothing.
153. It would be wonderful someday to see (bride) and (groom) have children. I think people who never have children just don't understand what they're missing. They'll never know the thrill of coming home after a hard day's work to see their children stuffing spaghetti up their noses.
154. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
155. Live each day as if it were your last—and each night as if it were your first!
156. The first time I ever set eyes on the bride, I was awestruck by her looks—to me, she was "drop dead gorgeous." I said to her, "You're gorgeous." And she replied, "Drop dead!"
157. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned!
158. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
159. The groom was not a pretty baby—his mother got morning sickness after he was born.
160. "By all means marry; if you get a good wife/husband, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." — Socrates
161. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to steal the covers from for the rest of your life.
162. Marriage isn't for everybody—men, for instance!
163. Only after getting married do you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
164. They married for better or for worse. He couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse!
165. All men are not fools; there are still some bachelors.
166, Love is blind and marriage is an institution, so why go to a blind institution?
167. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
168. My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
169. My ex-wife is a great housekeeper—after every, divorce she gets to keep the house.
170. Before her wedding, a young bride got more and more nervous about the wedding ceremony so she went to see the minister. He reassured her by pointing out that the ceremony was quite simple. "You enter the church and walk up the AISLE. The groom will be waiting for you at the ALTAR. Everyone will then sing a HYMN to start the ceremony," said the minister. Just remember the order and everything will be fine. On their wedding day, the bride remembered the order and arrived alongside the groom muttering to herself, "AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN, AISLE ALTER, HYMN"—or as the groom thought he heard: "I'll alter him!"
171. As every husband knows, it is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
172. After two years of happy marriage, the bride confessed one day that she had just bought twelve new dresses. "Twelve!", exclaimed the groom. "What could anyone want with twelve new dresses?" She replied, "Twelve new pairs of shoes, of course."
173. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
174. A guest arrived at a wedding where he had not met the groom before. He spotted a dapper young man in a tuxedo and asked, "Are you the groom?'" The young man sadly said, "No—I was knocked out in the semi-finals."
175. As the newly married couple arrived by taxi at their honeymoon hotel, the bride bent across to the groom and whispered, "Darling, I don't want people to realize we are newlyweds. I want them to think we have been married for years!" The groom replied, "Are you sure you can manage both suitcases?"
176. What four-letter words can still shock the most progressive of today's brides? Iron, dust, wash, cook and bake.
177. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and doing the dishes.
178. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
179. I had my credit card stolen the other day, but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
180. Young son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some countries, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: “That happens in most countries, son.”
181. If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest... I cannot express how much I would miss you.
182. "Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit."— Jay Gallagher
183. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
184. Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day? Because an open casket ceremony costs more.
185. "I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, 'Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!'” — Bonnie McFarlane
Clean marriage joke
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186. Before I finish, I would like (the bride and groom) to look at each other in the eyes. You are now looking into the eyes of the person who is statistically most likely to murder you. To the bride and groom!
187. And so, without further ado, let me ask those of you who still can to stand up and join me in a toast to the bride and groom.
188. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it!
189. "Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?" — Monica Hesse
190. The secret to having your husband come home from work on time? Tell him sex starts at 6 p.m. sharp—whether he's there or not.
191. There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. 2) When you think you're right, remind yourself of rule #1.
192. A husband asked his wife, "What would you do if we won the lottery?" To which she replied, "I'd divorce you and take my half."
193. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
194. A man placed an ad online saying "Wife wanted." He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, "You can have mine."
195. What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is one sweet, long dream, whereas marriage is the alarm clock.
196. A wise man once said, "I don't know... ask my wife."
197. "A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it." — Zsa Zsa Gabor
198. Girlfriend: "Honey, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?"
Boyfriend: "Sure, what's your number?"
199. Why doesn't our society let a man marry two wives? Because our laws protect us from cruel and unusual punishment.
200. My wife says I'm too competitive. I told her I already knew that.
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152. I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace." So, I bought her nothing.
153. It would be wonderful someday to see (bride) and (groom) have children. I think people who never have children just don't understand what they're missing. They'll never know the thrill of coming home after a hard day's work to see their children stuffing spaghetti up their noses.
154. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
155. Live each day as if it were your last—and each night as if it were your first!
156. The first time I ever set eyes on the bride, I was awestruck by her looks—to me, she was "drop dead gorgeous." I said to her, "You're gorgeous." And she replied, "Drop dead!"
157. The bride looks absolutely stunning, and the groom looks absolutely stunned!
158. I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
159. The groom was not a pretty baby—his mother got morning sickness after he was born.
160. "By all means marry; if you get a good wife/husband, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." — Socrates
161. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to steal the covers from for the rest of your life.
162. Marriage isn't for everybody—men, for instance!
163. Only after getting married do you realize that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
164. They married for better or for worse. He couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse!
165. All men are not fools; there are still some bachelors.
166, Love is blind and marriage is an institution, so why go to a blind institution?
167. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
168. My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
169. My ex-wife is a great housekeeper—after every, divorce she gets to keep the house.
170. Before her wedding, a young bride got more and more nervous about the wedding ceremony so she went to see the minister. He reassured her by pointing out that the ceremony was quite simple. "You enter the church and walk up the AISLE. The groom will be waiting for you at the ALTAR. Everyone will then sing a HYMN to start the ceremony," said the minister. Just remember the order and everything will be fine. On their wedding day, the bride remembered the order and arrived alongside the groom muttering to herself, "AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN, AISLE ALTER, HYMN"—or as the groom thought he heard: "I'll alter him!"
171. As every husband knows, it is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
172. After two years of happy marriage, the bride confessed one day that she had just bought twelve new dresses. "Twelve!", exclaimed the groom. "What could anyone want with twelve new dresses?" She replied, "Twelve new pairs of shoes, of course."
173. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
174. A guest arrived at a wedding where he had not met the groom before. He spotted a dapper young man in a tuxedo and asked, "Are you the groom?'" The young man sadly said, "No—I was knocked out in the semi-finals."
175. As the newly married couple arrived by taxi at their honeymoon hotel, the bride bent across to the groom and whispered, "Darling, I don't want people to realize we are newlyweds. I want them to think we have been married for years!" The groom replied, "Are you sure you can manage both suitcases?"
176. What four-letter words can still shock the most progressive of today's brides? Iron, dust, wash, cook and bake.
177. I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me. She said yes. She fantasizes about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and doing the dishes.
178. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
179. I had my credit card stolen the other day, but I didn't bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
180. Young son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some countries, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: “That happens in most countries, son.”
181. If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest... I cannot express how much I would miss you.
182. "Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit."— Jay Gallagher
183. I identify with football players because I know what it’s like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
184. Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day? Because an open casket ceremony costs more.
185. "I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, 'Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!'” — Bonnie McFarlane
Clean marriage joke
Unsplash
186. Before I finish, I would like (the bride and groom) to look at each other in the eyes. You are now looking into the eyes of the person who is statistically most likely to murder you. To the bride and groom!
187. And so, without further ado, let me ask those of you who still can to stand up and join me in a toast to the bride and groom.
188. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it!
189. "Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?" — Monica Hesse
190. The secret to having your husband come home from work on time? Tell him sex starts at 6 p.m. sharp—whether he's there or not.
191. There are only two rules for a happy marriage: 1) Your wife is always right. 2) When you think you're right, remind yourself of rule #1.
192. A husband asked his wife, "What would you do if we won the lottery?" To which she replied, "I'd divorce you and take my half."
193. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
194. A man placed an ad online saying "Wife wanted." He got hundreds of messages the next day saying, "You can have mine."
195. What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is one sweet, long dream, whereas marriage is the alarm clock.
196. A wise man once said, "I don't know... ask my wife."
197. "A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it." — Zsa Zsa Gabor
198. Girlfriend: "Honey, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?"
Boyfriend: "Sure, what's your number?"
199. Why doesn't our society let a man marry two wives? Because our laws protect us from cruel and unusual punishment.
200. My wife says I'm too competitive. I told her I already knew that.
Check out…
250 Questions To Ask A Guy
250 Truth or Dare Questions
250 Would You Rather Questions
250 Conversation-Starters
https://bogottcounseling.com/2016/05/04/funny-marriage-advice/
some poor taste jokes here https://madjokeworld.com/marriage-j...q6vJ-rPuEET5obRIQCtnOZOkQjvp6nFxoCf-YQAvD_BwE
Always answer the question “Do I look fat in this?” with “You look perfect.”
If your spouse says they’ll do something, they will. No need to remind them every 6 months.
Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You’re one of them.
A clean house is a sign of a wasted life… or so I tell my spouse.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is a workshop: the husband works and the wife shops.
To keep the marriage brimming, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-closed afterward.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years, you want a club and spade.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then, he’s finished.
If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.
Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gets her master’s degree.
Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won’t eat all of yours.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
Arguments in marriage are inevitable. The trick is to argue naked.
Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill but not doing it because you’d miss them.
Buying your wife flowers for no reason is the best reason.
The four most important words in any marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.”
Happy old couple watching movie
Don’t marry someone you can live with, marry someone you cannot live without, but remember, living with them is still part of the deal.
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.
A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.
Marriage is when ‘dating’ goes from being a verb to a noun.
Never marry someone you can out-punt.
Your spouse is not a mind reader, but they will always have the uncanny ability to locate your ticklish spots.
The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it… once.
If your wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, she’s using the same time scale as when you say the game has 5 minutes left.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, but varying your tactics.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back. This has nothing to do with marriage but is solid advice nonetheless.
Remember: marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically speaking, it’s a big risk.
If you think she’s mad, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Remember the Titanic and proceed with caution.
The key to a happy marriage is to delete your browsing history.
Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
My spouse and I lived happily for 25 years… and then we met.
They say opposites attract. If that’s true, I should be looking for someone who gets up early and does stuff.
Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.
In marriage, you don’t need Google. Your spouse knows everything.
Treat each argument like your second plate at a buffet; be selective about what you pile on.
Love is telling your spouse they don’t snore.
In any argument, there’s one sure way to resolve it. Agree with her.
The three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Remember, when you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
Marriage: where “What do you want to eat?” becomes the most complicated question of all time.
Always remember the three words that will smooth over any marriage problem: “You’re right, dear.”
RELATED READING
10 Key Elements of a Healthy Relationship
Before marriage, a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Marriage is having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.
To my wife: I love you more than you love complaining about me not putting my socks in the hamper.
Marriage is like a public toilet, those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to come out.
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes. Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Marrying someone for their looks is like buying a house for the paint color.
Happy old smiling couple
If your partner says, “I don’t need a gift,” it’s a trap.
The most romantic love story isn’t Romeo and Juliet who died together, but grandma and grandpa who grew old together.
They say in a marriage, one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
A silent husband is a thinking husband. A silent wife is usually mad.
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
You know you’re in an old married couple when you argue about who needs more sleep.
Marrying for money is the hardest way to earn it.
Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Washing dishes can be a breakthrough in any marriage if you use the bubbles to make funny beards.
Love is accepting that your spouse will spend three hours in the store and come out with one thing.
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
The perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
Always remember: the best way to get something done is to tell a man he’s too old to do it.
The key to a successful marriage is to agree that only one of you can be crazy at a time.
https://www.marriage.com/advice/mar...funny_marriage_tips_for_truly_devoted_couples
https://www.marriage.com/advice/marriage-fitness/funny-marriage-advice/
some poor taste jokes here https://madjokeworld.com/marriage-j...q6vJ-rPuEET5obRIQCtnOZOkQjvp6nFxoCf-YQAvD_BwE
Always answer the question “Do I look fat in this?” with “You look perfect.”
If your spouse says they’ll do something, they will. No need to remind them every 6 months.
Marriage is a relationship where one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You’re one of them.
A clean house is a sign of a wasted life… or so I tell my spouse.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
Love is blind. Marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is a workshop: the husband works and the wife shops.
To keep the marriage brimming, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-closed afterward.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years, you want a club and spade.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then, he’s finished.
If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.
Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gets her master’s degree.
Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won’t eat all of yours.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
Arguments in marriage are inevitable. The trick is to argue naked.
Love is spending the rest of your life with someone you want to kill but not doing it because you’d miss them.
Buying your wife flowers for no reason is the best reason.
The four most important words in any marriage: “I’ll do the dishes.”
Happy old couple watching movie
Don’t marry someone you can live with, marry someone you cannot live without, but remember, living with them is still part of the deal.
Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.
Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.
A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.
Marriage is when ‘dating’ goes from being a verb to a noun.
Never marry someone you can out-punt.
Your spouse is not a mind reader, but they will always have the uncanny ability to locate your ticklish spots.
The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it… once.
If your wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, she’s using the same time scale as when you say the game has 5 minutes left.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person, but varying your tactics.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back. This has nothing to do with marriage but is solid advice nonetheless.
Remember: marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically speaking, it’s a big risk.
If you think she’s mad, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Remember the Titanic and proceed with caution.
The key to a happy marriage is to delete your browsing history.
Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
My spouse and I lived happily for 25 years… and then we met.
They say opposites attract. If that’s true, I should be looking for someone who gets up early and does stuff.
Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.
In marriage, you don’t need Google. Your spouse knows everything.
Treat each argument like your second plate at a buffet; be selective about what you pile on.
Love is telling your spouse they don’t snore.
In any argument, there’s one sure way to resolve it. Agree with her.
The three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Remember, when you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
Marriage: where “What do you want to eat?” becomes the most complicated question of all time.
Always remember the three words that will smooth over any marriage problem: “You’re right, dear.”
RELATED READING
10 Key Elements of a Healthy Relationship
Before marriage, a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Marriage is having a best friend who doesn’t remember anything you say.
To my wife: I love you more than you love complaining about me not putting my socks in the hamper.
Marriage is like a public toilet, those waiting outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to come out.
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes. Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Marrying someone for their looks is like buying a house for the paint color.
Happy old smiling couple
If your partner says, “I don’t need a gift,” it’s a trap.
The most romantic love story isn’t Romeo and Juliet who died together, but grandma and grandpa who grew old together.
They say in a marriage, one person is always right and the other person is the husband.
Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
A silent husband is a thinking husband. A silent wife is usually mad.
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
You know you’re in an old married couple when you argue about who needs more sleep.
Marrying for money is the hardest way to earn it.
Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Washing dishes can be a breakthrough in any marriage if you use the bubbles to make funny beards.
Love is accepting that your spouse will spend three hours in the store and come out with one thing.
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.
The perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
Always remember: the best way to get something done is to tell a man he’s too old to do it.
The key to a successful marriage is to agree that only one of you can be crazy at a time.
https://www.marriage.com/advice/mar...funny_marriage_tips_for_truly_devoted_couples
https://www.marriage.com/advice/marriage-fitness/funny-marriage-advice/
