anyone have any decent jokes?

''Jesus wants the fruit of the spirit, not religious nuts''
''If you can't find a lawyer that knows the law, find one that knows the judge.''
share yours.
''If someone calls you stupid, you say 'Oh! you must be rubbing off on me!'''

Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall, Into the clutches of cholesterol.

At polyunsaturates I'll never mutter, For the road to Hell is paved with butter.

And cake is cursed and cream is awful, And Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Teach me the evils of hollandaise, Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise.

And crisp fried chicken from the South, Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
"Come in," he invited. A sad-looking man in threadbare clothes came in,
pulling a large pig on a rope. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" asked the man
with his hat in his hand.
Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly.
The pig proceeded to sniff around the office. With one eye on the animal and one on the
man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, curious to hear the
fellow's story. "What can I do for you?"
"My family is hungry," started the man. "So I stole this pig. But I feel
that I have sinned. Would you please take it?"
"Certainly not," said the minister. "Then what should I do with
it?" asked the man. "Give it back to the man you stole it from, of course!"
the pastor explained.
"I offered it to him, but he refused to take it. Now what should I do?"
"In that case," the minister said, "It would be all right for you to
keep it and feed your family."
"Thank you for your help, sir." With a lighter step, he walked out of the
office, leading the pig on the rope behind him.
Later that afternoon the minister returned home to discover that somebody had stolen
his prize pig!

My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly,
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gain I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I soon shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and flabbiness shall follow me
All the days of my life.
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
Let's eat!

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession.
The Doctor says, “Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine.”
The Engineer shakes his head and replies,”No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession.”
The Politician smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward.”Ah,” he says,”but who do you think created the Chaos?

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

I have a joke: Do you need to build a boat? Because I Noah guy. He's an architect.

Returning home from church one Sunday, mother asks her son what he learned earlier that morning in Sunday school. The boy replied that he had learned God's name. Very interested in what name of God her son had learned, she inquired. His name is Andy, replied the little boy. A bit confused the mother inquired why her son believed God's name was Andy. Well, said the boy, it's in the song we sang. Truly puzzled the mother asked her son what song he was referring to. You know, replied the boy,
Andy walked with me,
Andy talked with me,
Andy told me I was His own.

I have recently shared this one with my kiddos.
Now whenever she overhears someone saying G** D*** my daughter (who has autism) very seriously says "That's not God's name!...
God's name is Andy!"