I am like a ship with no sail on a still ocean, desperately waiting for a current or breeze that might move me in some sort of direction. Ironically, much like being lost at sea, I have no idea which direction I even want to be pulled or pushed in, and I have no idea which direction would lead me to prosper & which direction would lead me to ruin. So, as cowardly as it is, I remain in my sail less boat, as being stuck in the middle of the ocean of my mind is a less daunting prospect than moving in one direction or another and accidentally finding ruin. I am unable to even envisage prosperity as being a part of my future. At my most optimistic, mediocrity is what I envisage. Working a 9-5, perhaps having someone to love who also loves me, heck, even being able to feel comfortable & safe in my own skin, being able to feel comfortable & confident just taking a walk would be almost optimistic in my current mindset. I have been lost for so long that being lost has now become my comfort, but is also my biggest curse. How do I rid myself of this infested comfort blanket of despair that I wear so comfortably, that once would’ve been so alien & painful to me? I alone do not know the answer to this, all that I can wish for is that one day the winds of hope push me to a safe shore, where I may once again feel myself, feel alive, feel loved. But until that day, in my despair and loneliness, I will endeavour to do good, to be good and maybe even one day become the good that I so desperately hope for and crave. I just pray that that day comes & trust that the Lord will be the wind that guides me
