sporadic thoughts - need help

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ciicii

ciicii

Active member
Jun 16, 2026
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Sorry for the typos i am just going to write this down and leave it here, I honestly can't really write this out consecutively so i am just putting all my bigger issues out there for advice or opinions ig idk thanks
  1. Fake christian hate other believers. I am havign issue with this because my pastor has been ticking me off, on a very bad day i will say P.Oed. because I know his heart is in the right place of being hopeful and all that but with my circumstances 28 child loss and now losing a husband in the most disgusting way and stuck living with him and all that like I am just heart broken and done and have no real sense of self worth or anything. But I am wondering if I am hating other christian now. I dont’ feel any particular way but I am angry and bitter, nto at my pastor specifically but I am annoyed by him talking to me in general and asking for updates and stuff when the truth is that nothing has or will change for the better any time soon. I am in survival mode and have been for a couple years now with each year getting harder so I don’t have the energy to pretend to be happy. But that maikes me feel bad when I show i am not happy and just here to worship and go home because i know not going to church is a recipie for disaster so I go ….
  2. How do i know God knows me? I read through luke 13 and 14 and I have always tried to prioritize having a relationship with God especially right now, but I have been suffering a lot and i do see ways that god has provided but the providing is always in areas that are for survival not rest. And I am so tired that parts of me are doubting … i guess everything. Like am I just doing things in a christian lens becuase i am a stubborn person? I think I know God I try my best to read his word every day or on bad days listen to small pocket sermons so there is something. But does now me, how do I know? On top of that there has been so much suffering that at this point idk if this is all in vein. Lik I was praying about benign separate from God and thinking of life after death becuase that is all i can hope for at this point, and scared to the thought of what if i want heaven for relief and not for God? Doesn’t that mean i am not goin gto make it then?
  3. Wantign relief in a specific way. I want relief with family children and a husband but if that doesn’t happen then i just want God to take the desire away and i have had neither. I am trying to be content with what has been provided but there is always sadness and i can’t get rid of it. Like I am just existing (barely)
 
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add on:

I have fallen into a very pesimistic mindset. I can see there is a hopeful natuer that always finds its way through but it is very painful to acknowledge becuase i still dont' beleive it or grieved over it i am not sure.

But I do have a lot of guillt becuase often i am told to take it easy and relax since thisis a hard time, but it has been a hard time for years at this point with further and further decline. now i find that i don't really help at church or when i do people see that i am angry, annoyed, detatched. like I am never happy or smiling or laughing in the way i used to. I am always wantign to help but I am too tired, either mentall physicall spirituall or all three (usually all three these days). and i frightens me and drians me. Am I beign selish when i say no, am i beign liek the hypocrites who go out of there way to make sure people know they are fasting nd suffering when I don't smile and say its okay or say they are not helping i am sufferign and there is nothing they can do for me atm?
like idk what to do or how to feel or think anymore and when i do find enocuragement it doesn't last long bc all i want is a family and kids at the end of the day and i keep on thinking that maybe i am not allowed those things becuase i am iodlizing them. but wanting somethign good is not idolization and a lot of the grief comes from fear of not findign someone who honros and loves the Lord becuase that is what comes first so it can't be idolization if God is still my main /top concern for that desire in my life and even adds more pain to it becuase that shrinks the pool signifcantly.

anyway yeah sorry for the typos
 
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ciicii said:
Sorry for the typos i am just going to write this down and leave it here, I honestly can't really write this out consecutively so i am just putting all my bigger issues out there for advice or opinions ig idk thanks
  1. Fake christian hate other believers. I am havign issue with this because my pastor has been ticking me off, on a very bad day i will say P.Oed. because I know his heart is in the right place of being hopeful and all that but with my circumstances 28 child loss and now losing a husband in the most disgusting way and stuck living with him and all that like I am just heart broken and done and have no real sense of self worth or anything. But I am wondering if I am hating other christian now. I dont’ feel any particular way but I am angry and bitter, nto at my pastor specifically but I am annoyed by him talking to me in general and asking for updates and stuff when the truth is that nothing has or will change for the better any time soon. I am in survival mode and have been for a couple years now with each year getting harder so I don’t have the energy to pretend to be happy. But that maikes me feel bad when I show i am not happy and just here to worship and go home because i know not going to church is a recipie for disaster so I go ….
  2. How do i know God knows me? I read through luke 13 and 14 and I have always tried to prioritize having a relationship with God especially right now, but I have been suffering a lot and i do see ways that god has provided but the providing is always in areas that are for survival not rest. And I am so tired that parts of me are doubting … i guess everything. Like am I just doing things in a christian lens becuase i am a stubborn person? I think I know God I try my best to read his word every day or on bad days listen to small pocket sermons so there is something. But does now me, how do I know? On top of that there has been so much suffering that at this point idk if this is all in vein. Lik I was praying about benign separate from God and thinking of life after death becuase that is all i can hope for at this point, and scared to the thought of what if i want heaven for relief and not for God? Doesn’t that mean i am not goin gto make it then?
  3. Wantign relief in a specific way. I want relief with family children and a husband but if that doesn’t happen then i just want God to take the desire away and i have had neither. I am trying to be content with what has been provided but there is always sadness and i can’t get rid of it. Like I am just existing (barely)
Click to expand...
Honey, I can relate to all that you are saying. Many of us have been there.
I was in a horrible relationship for almost 20 years (Long story).
In my ignorance and lust, I became husband to and married a divorce woman.
But I prayed to God and asked Him why my relationship was so horrible. AND HE ANSWERED.
Although, I needed to ask His forgiveness for adultery, He got me out of it very quickly.
I haven't been with anyone since. That was 1998.

I know it's difficult when you know Christ. Jesus said the world will hate you because of Me. And if you have the Holy Ghost, things get turned up a notch. And if the Holy Ghost is in you, the world will hate you--that includes members of your own family.

Luke 12:51 Do you suppose that I came to give peace on earth? I tell you, not at all, but rather division. 52 For from now on five in one house will be divided: three against two, and two against three. 53 Father will be divided against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.”

John 15:19 If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

All I can offer you is to do what I do. Keep your eyes on the Throne of Grace (Jesus Throne) for He is the ultimate prize. Run the race and run it well. Focus on the Fruits of the Spirit. Pray to God with your concerns often. HE WILL HELP YOU!!!

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

Hang in there young lady. Your Brothers and Sisters in Christ are here with you and will do all we can to help.
We all go through storms in our lives. The question isn't the storm, it's how you go through it.
Mat 10:22 And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved.
So, I bid you to stand, child of God, for Christ and for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake.




Jesus IS Lord!!!!!
 
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Dearest ciicii -

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. The good news I see is that you're still seeking God even through the worst of times. You're still reading His word and attending church. You may not slap on a happy face [and that's OK!], but you're still there. That's perseverance, which is a gift from God -

Rom 15:5 Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another, according to Christ Jesus, 6 so that with one purpose and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I understand feeling like you have no self worth, but your feelings are simply getting in the way of a fact: You are a beautiful child of God and worth everything to Him. He knows you -

Ps 139:1 Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up;
You understand my thought from far away.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, Lord, You know it all.
5 You have encircled me behind and in front,
And placed Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot comprehend it.

Matt 10:29 Are two sparrows not sold for an assarion? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 But even the hairs of your head are all counted. 31 So do not fear; you are more valuable than a great number of sparrows.

I pray God will bring you peace, comfort, and the assurance that He loves and cares for you. I pray He will bring you back into joy someday soon.
 
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ciicii said:
add on:

I have fallen into a very pesimistic mindset. I can see there is a hopeful natuer that always finds its way through but it is very painful to acknowledge becuase i still dont' beleive it or grieved over it i am not sure.

But I do have a lot of guillt becuase often i am told to take it easy and relax since thisis a hard time, but it has been a hard time for years at this point with further and further decline. now i find that i don't really help at church or when i do people see that i am angry, annoyed, detatched. like I am never happy or smiling or laughing in the way i used to. I am always wantign to help but I am too tired, either mentall physicall spirituall or all three (usually all three these days). and i frightens me and drians me. Am I beign selish when i say no, am i beign liek the hypocrites who go out of there way to make sure people know they are fasting nd suffering when I don't smile and say its okay or say they are not helping i am sufferign and there is nothing they can do for me atm?
like idk what to do or how to feel or think anymore and when i do find enocuragement it doesn't last long bc all i want is a family and kids at the end of the day and i keep on thinking that maybe i am not allowed those things becuase i am iodlizing them. but wanting somethign good is not idolization and a lot of the grief comes from fear of not findign someone who honros and loves the Lord becuase that is what comes first so it can't be idolization if God is still my main /top concern for that desire in my life and even adds more pain to it becuase that shrinks the pool signifcantly.

anyway yeah sorry for the typos
Click to expand...
I hope things improve for you, faith in God is more important than our living situation.
 
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ciicii said:
Sorry for the typos i am just going to write this down and leave it here, I honestly can't really write this out consecutively so i am just putting all my bigger issues out there for advice or opinions ig idk thanks
  1. Fake christian hate other believers. I am havign issue with this because my pastor has been ticking me off, on a very bad day i will say P.Oed. because I know his heart is in the right place of being hopeful and all that but with my circumstances 28 child loss and now losing a husband in the most disgusting way and stuck living with him and all that like I am just heart broken and done and have no real sense of self worth or anything. But I am wondering if I am hating other christian now. I dont’ feel any particular way but I am angry and bitter, nto at my pastor specifically but I am annoyed by him talking to me in general and asking for updates and stuff when the truth is that nothing has or will change for the better any time soon. I am in survival mode and have been for a couple years now with each year getting harder so I don’t have the energy to pretend to be happy. But that maikes me feel bad when I show i am not happy and just here to worship and go home because i know not going to church is a recipie for disaster so I go ….
  2. How do i know God knows me? I read through luke 13 and 14 and I have always tried to prioritize having a relationship with God especially right now, but I have been suffering a lot and i do see ways that god has provided but the providing is always in areas that are for survival not rest. And I am so tired that parts of me are doubting … i guess everything. Like am I just doing things in a christian lens becuase i am a stubborn person? I think I know God I try my best to read his word every day or on bad days listen to small pocket sermons so there is something. But does now me, how do I know? On top of that there has been so much suffering that at this point idk if this is all in vein. Lik I was praying about benign separate from God and thinking of life after death becuase that is all i can hope for at this point, and scared to the thought of what if i want heaven for relief and not for God? Doesn’t that mean i am not goin gto make it then?
  3. Wantign relief in a specific way. I want relief with family children and a husband but if that doesn’t happen then i just want God to take the desire away and i have had neither. I am trying to be content with what has been provided but there is always sadness and i can’t get rid of it. Like I am just existing (barely)
Click to expand...
I know you know this, but the only person that is going to help you is God. Pastor and Christians mean well, but they can only do so much. A lot of times God allows us to reach a certain point, so we rely on Him more, seek Him more deeply and let God be the one that fills our needs with love and acceptance. This maybe your call to seek him deeper.

In the worst state of my life that I was in, God showed up. I don't know what you're doing as far as your relationship with God but obedience, trust, and continually seeking God will radically transform your life. It isn't going to do it within a day or two, but I used to drink heavily and smoke weed just to get by. I was lonely and riddled with anxiety and panic attacks and now, I have peace. No need to drink, gave up weed and haven't had a single panic attack since. I gained more than peace though, as I also got a close relationship with the Father who answers me.

Let God be your number 1. But in order to draw closer to Him, obedience, and seeking him are fundamental.
 
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NickSt said:
im going through something similar and i hope we could talk about it dear Cici. Whatevver we going through all we need sometimes is patience. I was reading your post and lot of the things and worries you are going through hit my heart.
Click to expand...
 
ciicii said:
Sorry for the typos i am just going to write this down and leave it here, I honestly can't really write this out consecutively so i am just putting all my bigger issues out there for advice or opinions ig idk thanks
  1. Fake christian hate other believers. I am havign issue with this because my pastor has been ticking me off, on a very bad day i will say P.Oed. because I know his heart is in the right place of being hopeful and all that but with my circumstances 28 child loss and now losing a husband in the most disgusting way and stuck living with him and all that like I am just heart broken and done and have no real sense of self worth or anything. But I am wondering if I am hating other christian now. I dont’ feel any particular way but I am angry and bitter, nto at my pastor specifically but I am annoyed by him talking to me in general and asking for updates and stuff when the truth is that nothing has or will change for the better any time soon. I am in survival mode and have been for a couple years now with each year getting harder so I don’t have the energy to pretend to be happy. But that maikes me feel bad when I show i am not happy and just here to worship and go home because i know not going to church is a recipie for disaster so I go ….
  2. How do i know God knows me? I read through luke 13 and 14 and I have always tried to prioritize having a relationship with God especially right now, but I have been suffering a lot and i do see ways that god has provided but the providing is always in areas that are for survival not rest. And I am so tired that parts of me are doubting … i guess everything. Like am I just doing things in a christian lens becuase i am a stubborn person? I think I know God I try my best to read his word every day or on bad days listen to small pocket sermons so there is something. But does now me, how do I know? On top of that there has been so much suffering that at this point idk if this is all in vein. Lik I was praying about benign separate from God and thinking of life after death becuase that is all i can hope for at this point, and scared to the thought of what if i want heaven for relief and not for God? Doesn’t that mean i am not goin gto make it then?
  3. Wantign relief in a specific way. I want relief with family children and a husband but if that doesn’t happen then i just want God to take the desire away and i have had neither. I am trying to be content with what has been provided but there is always sadness and i can’t get rid of it. Like I am just existing (barely)
Click to expand...
You just have to wait with your Heart to God. Try to speak to Him as a Friend, and let yourself Live and find a way to find peace in agreement with Him. Don't let yourself Blame Him, He forgives you for blaming Him, as I have blamed Him very much myself in the past and He Forgives me for all of it.

Just look to that Cross and know that as long as you Have faith that He died for you, you will aways have eternal Life.
Don't be afraid to try to make yourself Merry before Him, as all He requires is that you Walk in the Truth.
 
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You're not selfish for trying to at least be happy. God sends His angels to help everyone who calls on Him; It's good if you're a helper, but you don't have to break your back. You need to be healthy before you can perform your best.
 
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Churchgoer said:
Is it possible your husband willing to repent and come back to God?
God sure has many miracles. Pray without ceasing.
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i guess anything is possible but he has fallen into homosexuality transgenderism, renouncing teh name of God infidelity and seeing none of it as sin so idk. That's between him and God I did everything I could to support him (not affirm him) and forgive and stay in the marriage and he is divorcing me and not changing so pray for him becuase I can't do it all the time tbh.
I would like for him to be saved but i am at the point that I am not in a place where i desire to be with him. I hate divorce but being treated the way he has been treating me i still have to live with him is takign a tole it has been a year and many more years of other mental abuses and neglect i have reached my limit
 
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ciicii said:
i guess anything is possible but he has fallen into homosexuality transgenderism, renouncing teh name of God infidelity and seeing none of it as sin so idk. That's between him and God I did everything I could to support him (not affirm him) and forgive and stay in the marriage and he is divorcing me and not changing so pray for him becuase I can't do it all the time tbh.
I would like for him to be saved but i am at the point that I am not in a place where i desire to be with him. I hate divorce but being treated the way he has been treating me i still have to live with him is takign a tole it has been a year and many more years of other mental abuses and neglect i have reached my limit
Click to expand...
Pray God will give you separation to start then.
Sometimes separation helps.
I hear you. Pray to God to shorten your struggle.
 
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Ceph said:
You just have to wait with your Heart to God. Try to speak to Him as a Friend, and let yourself Live and find a way to find peace in agreement with Him. Don't let yourself Blame Him, He forgives you for blaming Him, as I have blamed Him very much myself in the past and He Forgives me for all of it.

Just look to that Cross and know that as long as you Have faith that He died for you, you will aways have eternal Life.
Don't be afraid to try to make yourself Merry before Him, as all He requires is that you Walk in the Truth.
Click to expand...
I don't blame God the pain comes from knowing God could have made things work and literally everything feel apart in the worst ways. That is where the fatigue comes from.

I do want to have hope I know that i just don't like the pain that comes from that hope being broken so i find it easier to be pesimistic or in the middle guess when it comes to hope, even though i know it is not good.

I do want to focus on that too that there is enternity waiting i just find it very sad to also be looking forward to dyign to finally have peace.
Especially when i see so many people who do not have faith or go against christ have so many blessing like family, children, companionship and I don't have any of it and still trying to be closer to God and lean on him.

I do see a lot of blessings he has given me of course that are helping me through this but it is hard to be fully grateful. I have brought this to God becuase I don't want to be like that either, like a moody christian internally.

recently i have looking into worship the Lord more throuhg slowing down with readign his word and really processign and beleivign the word not just takign them in as facts and knowledge without leading to praising God for what he has done. And obviously not focusing on feelings, but I am still like miserable becuase fo the current circumstances and I also think that is valid, and to a degree, I do not even think i am as miserable as I should be becuase I am still kind to the people around me and teh person betrayign me actively. But I still want to be happier and knowing that is not guaranteed is seariously draining me. especially when people say to be patient becuase I am not sure what i am being patient for on earth since the only guarantee is eternity with God through salvation.

i hope that makes sense i am just putting all my thoughts out there i know soem of them are contradictory but that is whats messign me up i guess
 
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Delvianna said:
I know you know this, but the only person that is going to help you is God. Pastor and Christians mean well, but they can only do so much. A lot of times God allows us to reach a certain point, so we rely on Him more, seek Him more deeply and let God be the one that fills our needs with love and acceptance. This maybe your call to seek him deeper.

In the worst state of my life that I was in, God showed up. I don't know what you're doing as far as your relationship with God but obedience, trust, and continually seeking God will radically transform your life. It isn't going to do it within a day or two, but I used to drink heavily and smoke weed just to get by. I was lonely and riddled with anxiety and panic attacks and now, I have peace. No need to drink, gave up weed and haven't had a single panic attack since. I gained more than peace though, as I also got a close relationship with the Father who answers me.

Let God be your number 1. But in order to draw closer to Him, obedience, and seeking him are fundamental.
Click to expand...
trying
 
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Citizen said:
Dearest ciicii -

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. The good news I see is that you're still seeking God even through the worst of times. You're still reading His word and attending church. You may not slap on a happy face [and that's OK!], but you're still there. That's perseverance, which is a gift from God -

Rom 15:5 Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another, according to Christ Jesus, 6 so that with one purpose and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I understand feeling like you have no self worth, but your feelings are simply getting in the way of a fact: You are a beautiful child of God and worth everything to Him. He knows you -

Ps 139:1 Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I get up;
You understand my thought from far away.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, Lord, You know it all.
5 You have encircled me behind and in front,
And placed Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot comprehend it.

Matt 10:29 Are two sparrows not sold for an assarion? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. 30 But even the hairs of your head are all counted. 31 So do not fear; you are more valuable than a great number of sparrows.

I pray God will bring you peace, comfort, and the assurance that He loves and cares for you. I pray He will bring you back into joy someday soon.
Click to expand...
thank you
 
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BetterCallPsalms said:
I hope things improve for you, faith in God is more important than our living situation.
Click to expand...
yes i understand that and agree, but at the same time ... there is no reason for the suffering i have alwasy tried to come close to God alwasy testign myself and stuff like that. definitely not perfect and alwasy eager to grow. But nothing but siffering and exhaustion and isolation and silence from God has been too much on top of trusting God with other things.

Trying to focus on knowign havign faith in God is more important that the situation at hand and that life is a vapor has made me feel worse tbh wondering what is the point especially when God helps me get a job or somethign but I am still stuck comign home to evil people who refuse Christ and mourning having children and marriage as an example. Like it is just too much and just focusing on life after death has been twisted or somethign
 
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DenDog said:
Honey, I can relate to all that you are saying. Many of us have been there.
I was in a horrible relationship for almost 20 years (Long story).
In my ignorance and lust, I became husband to and married a divorce woman.
But I prayed to God and asked Him why my relationship was so horrible. AND HE ANSWERED.
Although, I needed to ask His forgiveness for adultery, He got me out of it very quickly.
I haven't been with anyone since. That was 1998.

I know it's difficult when you know Christ. Jesus said the world will hate you because of Me. And if you have the Holy Ghost, things get turned up a notch. And if the Holy Ghost is in you, the world will hate you--that includes members of your own family.

Luke 12:51 Do you suppose that I came to give peace on earth? I tell you, not at all, but rather division. 52 For from now on five in one house will be divided: three against two, and two against three. 53 Father will be divided against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.”

John 15:19 If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

All I can offer you is to do what I do. Keep your eyes on the Throne of Grace (Jesus Throne) for He is the ultimate prize. Run the race and run it well. Focus on the Fruits of the Spirit. Pray to God with your concerns often. HE WILL HELP YOU!!!

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.

Hang in there young lady. Your Brothers and Sisters in Christ are here with you and will do all we can to help.
We all go through storms in our lives. The question isn't the storm, it's how you go through it.
Mat 10:22 And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake. But he who endures to the end will be saved.
So, I bid you to stand, child of God, for Christ and for the Kingdom of Heaven's sake.




Jesus IS Lord!!!!!
Click to expand...
I will try but tbh everyone who tells me that is single and I don't want that for my life I do not want to be alone i dont' think I should be alone.
I am 28 and gave a decade to someone who basically lied and I did everythign i could to follow Christ and still do, and hate that this is the result. I am focusing on God tha is not up for debate but beign alone is still devesating becuase I don't want to be stuck just servign God in isolation
 
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