S
Shadowwolg
Guest
rolling into 2011, i was still struggling with depression, trying to see the positive, emailing my pastor, drinking, even though the amount of alcohol that i consumed wasn't much, it was like, i would think on it all day long, i couldn't wait to go home and have a drink, .... i was though starting to see some good days, by memorial weekend, the saturday morning , i woke up and heard the thought that i was going to be ok, when my dear "mother" died.. that monday, she died... at her funeral, i cried and cried and cried, i was obnoxioulsy loud.... i still miss her today, but know that she is safe, healthy and proud of me, even in my struggles.... i don't remember much more through the summer except that i still struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts and drinking, by the fall, it was a saturday night, i spent singing christian songs for several hours which was something i did often, .. that night, for the first time, i engaged in masturbation... i don't even know how i even knew what to do, but in the middle of the night, i woke up , aroused and engaged.... since then, i have struggled with the addiction, this was in the fall, i tried to handle masturbation on my own... made it for only 3 wks without giving in, then i would get really weird with things that i tried, at first i would drink and engaged bc it would relax me, but my thoughts of suicide was still bad, i even had a plan, ... so one night, i made a choice, i could either kill myself and get it over with or get rid of the stuff and move on... no more dilly dallying, so i through away my stuff in the toilet, and now i don't buy or allow any of the items in my house.. bc i still struggle with those thoughts. ....by this time i was into porn, .... i no longer needed the drink to excuse my behavior, ,.... at this time i was still trying to stop, still emailing my pastor, still being honest of the wrong choices i was making, however, nothing was changing, in fact it was getting worse, my pastor for several months encouraged me to go to counseling, well, by 2012.. i finally made the call.