22 year old, depressed , something is missing?

[Amorette]

Am a 22 year old , I have everything in my life, a house , my own room , a college course I always wanted , good results, doing well in my studies, have a good family.
I have like everything yet something seems missing. There is something without which I dread to go on this journey of life, I dread to begin studying, to desolve into this world striving for self fulfillment and in the process neglecting what matters the most.
Yes, I am a Christian if you are wondering. Yet, my prayer life is not regular, my walk with the Lord is a struggle because I do not know how to live a Christian life anymore. I do not know how to be like the Lord in everything I do. In other words I do not know how to give when I do not know how to receive from the Lord . Am I supposed to love others without any strength within , without the right motivation?
Many a times I had thought maybe what I am missing is a significant other but then I realised that there is none like the Lord. No one who will love me unconditionally. I met a person and he had demands and he never wanted to commit , he made it crystal clear. I felt like no one really cares for me. And then people with Calvinism theory make me feel that even the Lord does not care. Then whom do I have then? I am utterly alone therefore. I have not given up on Hope in the Lord though. He comes through to save me but I can't bear this feeling of incompleteness. Nowadays it seems I am unable to seek Him anywhere because I ain't trusting any source from where I could get to hear His voice.
I don't feel motivated enough to read the Bible. I have an app from YouVersion and nowadays I seldom read it.
I am a final year Medical student, there's a lot of pressure on me since I will be giving my final university exams on the 11th of December this year. I am undergoing continuous stress as I am even trying to figure out all this that I am going through - its been almost 3 years now and I was diagnosed with depression too. What is it? What is bothering me? I have been suicidal too many a times. It seems easier to die than to go through what I am feeling and on top of that have this back to back stress of one or the other exam. It is like time is not waiting for me to cope or recuperate before I can get back to life.

 

[JustEli]

Romans 8:37-39 King James Version (KJV)
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

 

[JustEli]

If you cannot live for yourself, then live for those who would be crushed if you were to die today.
Prayers and love for you.

 

[Alby]

It's not easy living in a fallen world and being in college nowadays thrusts you right into the centre of it. You are right that the "hole" cannot be filled by a significant other and that energy should be directed towards God. You're doing better than you think you are, there's no avoiding struggle, we've all got it.

The Saints understood this well.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

You're experiencing depression. It's that simple. And depression doesn't just go away.

Did they tell you why you're depressed? Situational? Clinical? Are you being treated for it in any manner?

 

[morefaithrequired]

Am a 22 year old , I have everything in my life, a house , my own room , a college course I always wanted , good results, doing well in my studies, have a good family.
I have like everything yet something seems missing. There is something without which I dread to go on this journey of life, I dread to begin studying, to desolve into this world striving for self fulfillment and in the process neglecting what matters the most.
Yes, I am a Christian if you are wondering. Yet, my prayer life is not regular, my walk with the Lord is a struggle because I do not know how to live a Christian life anymore. I do not know how to be like the Lord in everything I do. In other words I do not know how to give when I do not know how to receive from the Lord . Am I supposed to love others without any strength within , without the right motivation?
Many a times I had thought maybe what I am missing is a significant other but then I realised that there is none like the Lord. No one who will love me unconditionally. I met a person and he had demands and he never wanted to commit , he made it crystal clear. I felt like no one really cares for me. And then people with Calvinism theory make me feel that even the Lord does not care. Then whom do I have then? I am utterly alone therefore. I have not given up on Hope in the Lord though. He comes through to save me but I can't bear this feeling of incompleteness. Nowadays it seems I am unable to seek Him anywhere because I ain't trusting any source from where I could get to hear His voice.
I don't feel motivated enough to read the Bible. I have an app from YouVersion and nowadays I seldom read it.
I am a final year Medical student, there's a lot of pressure on me since I will be giving my final university exams on the 11th of December this year. I am undergoing continuous stress as I am even trying to figure out all this that I am going through - its been almost 3 years now and I was diagnosed with depression too. What is it? What is bothering me? I have been suicidal too many a times. It seems easier to die than to go through what I am feeling and on top of that have this back to back stress of one or the other exam. It is like time is not waiting for me to cope or recuperate before I can get back to life.

youve got excellent writing skills.
find some relax time. dont stress over being perfect. be comfortable for a while.
I suspect God is calling you but i might be wrong.
keep us updated. i see a lot of potential in you. God bless

 

[IFOLLOWHIM]

 

[laughingheart]

I am sorry you are in pain. Depression isn't just sadness. It can be like being frozen, life is like watching something on TV, not something you can connect with on a real level. Please know that your emotions can lie to you. God is not disappointed in you if you are not perfection. It is us who are so condemning of ourselves because our perceptions get twisted. In my 20s I went through a time of deep depression and the thing I held on to was believing in God's nature/character. It was my lighthouse and I would use it as a measure of truth. Being sad, lonely, frustrated, unsure, and disconnected can happen even to people of faith. A loss of enjoyment of life and ability to connect can have a lot of causes. Please talk to your doctor and find a counsellor you can trust. They will help validate your experience. I know if you have tried suicide you have talked to people but don't give up.
I am glad you are sharing what is happening. There are many good people here who have gone through or are currently experiencing depression. There is no shame or fault in this. As family we need to be able to be transparent with each other, kind and supportive, and let people walk alongside us. Just like a real family you might have someone blurt out something that is well intentioned and not too helpful. Please forgive them. Know that something you share might help others.
Only you know what you are going through but I can't help but think how incredible of a doctor you would be at understanding patients who are going through the same thing. Many doctors don't understand the side effect of the medications they prescribe. Some don't take the time to really hear what their patients are saying. For myself, I honestly would not have understood depression if I hadn't experienced it first. I would like to think it made me a better medical social worker. When I ended up at home with my son, I helped to create a support group at our church for people with depression. God used that dark time for something good.
Right now all I can say is that I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Please keep on reaching out and let us know how we can pray for you. All the best, LH.