A troubling, unusual break up

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wendy5

Guest
#1
#1
Hi, I am new here. This is my first post. I'm not sure where to start, but I am feeling very heart broken. I am trying to do the right thing, to pray and trust God. But sometimes this situation is just too much for me.

I have been going out with a man now for over 4 years. He is an amazing person, he is very generous and kind and many other good qualities, it is hard to understand that he is not a christian. He helped me through probably one of the most difficult times of my life - so he is even more special to me. As our relationship went on, I started to heal and he started getting into a slump. Everything I tried to do to help him, or ways I tried to involve him in my life he just rejected - it really hurt. In other ways though, he showed amazing devoted love. We were living together and not married, and that is not right, I know. Moving out for me was to solve one of those reasons - which he also supported me with.

A few days after I moved out - he broke up with me. I am devastated.

I don't have any family left I can turn to - there has been a lot of death around me - so this relationship with him meant even more to me. So, I know I need to rely on God even more than others to be my family. His mom is an amazing prayer warrior and has been praying for us.

I feel so lost now. He is happy we are broken up. We still talk and he helps me with things and is kind to me.

Recently I have really started to draw close to God, and I hear He has a plan for my life. So far my life has been quite shocking, and I'm finding it so hard to accept that things can get better. How could this happen.

I spend my time crying and praying and just trying to be ok. My ex on the other hand is suddenly now motivated and happy and wanting to travel - all the things I wanted us to do when we were together, he is happy to do them on his own. I feel so cheated, lost and alone. He says that it is not me and I mustn't take it personally. I don't know how I cannot.

I don't know what to do anymore - even just to get one night's good sleep. Just to be ok. I want this pain to go away and be happy again. But more importantly, I don't want to lose this man from my life because of some stupid mistake I made. Is God calling him? Was I in the way? How can this person who means so much to me and says loves me so much be on such a mission to get away from me?
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#2
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#2
Welcome to CC :)

So sorry you're hurting! Toward the end you said you made a stupid mistake...I can't see what you're referring to.

You two lived together for 4 years but did not feel led to be married? You may have been the more committed member of the relationship...especially when considering his reaction now.

It may be possible that God is preparing you for a great relationship...one with a man who will be completely devoted to you and will love you the way a husband is supposed to love his wife :).

In the meantime, this would be a good opportunity to get really close to Jesus. Be preparing yourself to be the kind of wife that God wants you to be. There isn't a guarantee that this will happen but it's always good to strengthen our walk with Christ and make Him the main focus of our lives. Everyone should do this, married or unmarried.

It's good for us to know that we can live alone and be fine. It may boost your self-confidence and self-respect. We can be alone without being lonely. Do you have some friends that you can do things with? Plan trips yourself, get involved with a group at church, take a class, learn a hobby, take up dancing or exercise class. Exercise is a great way to get our emotions under control.

If a man doesn't respect and love you enough to marry you, then it's a good bet that he's not going to stay in the relationship. You deserve better than someone playing around with your heart.

Praying for you...wisdom and guidance and that the Spirit will fill your heart with love and peace :).
 
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wendy5

Guest
#3
#3
Hi Lucy, thank you for your message. The stupid mistake I made was all the mistakes I kept making. He always told me that if I hadn't done this or said that - I feel very to blame for the break down of this relationship - and that really wasn't my intention.

He said from the start that he is not interested in marriage, ever. Both his ex girlfriends broke up with him over it - so this is not new. He did once say to me that if he ever did have to marry anyone, it would be me - but that is just a carrot. I think you are right, the commitment only worked one way and I need to accept that.

The part that is missing here that I did not mention above is that directly before my ex, I came out of an incredibly abusive 6 year marriage. My ex was instrumental in helping me to pull my life together. And so I feel very connected to him (obviously my focus needs to change now).

There are moments when my emotions totally overwhelm me and I feel so lost and like the world is crashing in around me because he has rejected me.

Thank you for your prayers Lucy!
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#4
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#4
The ONE that matters the most has NOT rejected you .... and that is what really matters in this life :). Matter of fact, He willfully died for you in a very awful manner to save your life.

People will let us down; many times unintentionally...our hope and our trust needs to built on rock... our foundations are very important because in this life there's going to be storms. That rock is Jesus Christ. Sometimes He allows our house of cards built on sand to be knocked down so we can see where and how we need to rebuild. Go to Him for the love and direction that He gladly gives to believers! Do you have a Bible? Start with the Gospels and get to know the living God through His Son, Jesus Christ. Your eyes will be opened.

Find a church to attend. This is a must! Being around other Christians and hearing the Word of God preached is crucial for our hearts to be remade.

Praying for you....may the Spirit comfort you and lead you into a full life of truth and very 'good' and healthy relationships :).
 
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Chey60

Guest
#5
#5
Warning..kind of long and kind of testimonial..:
Hi Wendy..

I have been in your shoes more times than I can count.. but I could not be alone ..had to get into new relationships every 3 months or so. I have been single now for 5 years.. with one "bump" where I dated my first christian man ..it lasted 3 months and then it went awry but I knew because I have been here before, that God was only protecting me from someone who was not my "forever man".
First issue was living together. I found that when I lived with my fiance (the one I left 5 years ago) Not only could God not bless me (and trust me, there is a difference because you are in practiced sin..and I had trouble all around me while doing this) but it would be then even more difficult for the man to come to Jesus. Not impossible no..but difficult. Missionary dating is never good.. (in other words allowing yourself to be unequally yoked and asking GOd to save them)
but to live in sin is compromising the body that is the temple of the Holy Spirit and well..it also shows a bad witness..
when I kicked this man out that I was trying to save and sleeping with, (?? lol) my life began to change..in wonderful ways.. It was SOOO hard to get rid of the memory of him..and my co dependency was immense..but God wanted me to learn, know and realize that He was my all in all..that I could depend on, trust HIM for everything...I begged GOd to help me cut the ties with this man I had been with for 3 years so I could surrender to Him and to not hurt anymore and not try to go back..(his MO was to befriend me each time we broke up in the past so he could get that foot in the door) ..and ended up in a fetal position on the floor finally able to say "I want this soul tie" gone!!! the way I had to do it was to tell him we could no longer be friends..that I had to move on and to heal..and that because of (our particular HORRIBLE situation) that I could not nor did I want to remain his friend. once that was done, the peace I felt was wonderful.. I knew I had made the decision GOD wanted for me..and that I made a sacrifice that only HE could help me make..it was the final end of a long long list of bad relationships in my life including a 18 year marriage that was lost in his adultery..

before I could be a healthy choice for a man to want in a relationship..I had to learn who my Lord was..and I surrendered EVERYTHING completely to God..
that was the only way..
if we want to please GOD we must allow HIS loves to become ours. God does not love fornication, God does not want us unequally yoked (for our good and the good of our offspring and others around us) , God does not want us making another person the center of our being..or worshipping them or the relationships..He wants our hearts...
before we can give another person our heart correctly we must learn to give HIM our heart. A healthy relationship should not be our goal of course because that would take the focus off of our destiny and purpose of serving and loving God..but a healthy relationship can be the outcome..
I recently had my first christian relationship that ended after 3.5 months..he ended up being kind of rude ..no really rude to me..and I put up with it for about 3 weeks..which was too long.. and I , like you , rehashed it constantly...however, he was not right for me and whatever it took because I gave God permission, God was not going to allow me to be in another wrong relationship for long..
you have to remember you are in a spiritual battle, you do not wrestle against flesh and blood..and you are called to live a life of light to shine to others.
Even relationships and marriage must be based on God...so that others will see and believe..
Marriage is not merely for our comfort but to sharpen us...

I will say to you that in my 53 years.. I had a relationship at least once a year since I was 18..they didn't last a long time (other than my abusive 18 year marriage) most of them due to my need for the men over God, in my life..this puts undue strain on guys...
Also, how can you expect a man to be your spiritual leader as they are called to if they don't know God? Thats like asking a baker to look under your hood and try to fix your car :)

Anyway it did take me a long time to realize all this and we each grow at different rates..
but please as a christian just remember that God desires a relationship with you first..

You may want to read "Captivating" by John Eldredge and his wife Staci. I read it not too long after I broke up with my fiance..

Now I refuse to be in a relationship that doesn't glorify God..my standards a higher..than they used to be..and I ask God to help me weed out potential suitors I have no business being with. It's lonely sometimes yes..but the pain I was in with the wrong guys and break ups is so much deeper than the pain of being single and not getting held :)

hugs girlie!! it's all gonna be ok..just focus on the kingdom of God :)
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#6
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#6
Wow, chey60, what a testimony!! Thanks for sharing it here :)
 
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wendy5

Guest
#7
#7
Hi Lucy68 and chey60,

Chey, I agree with Lucy, that is a fabulous testimony! The past few days have been difficult to come to terms with the sadness I felt, but I have drawn much closer to God. I have been downloading many sermons from my church website, and reading the bible - and I followed a link of bible secrets to heal your heart - which is such a great resource.

I am going for a kind of counseling-session / chat tomorrow with a lady named Joy from the church (what a name!)

I feel God's presence with me. My new little place was feeling very claustrophobic, but tonight, God showed me little things I didn't realize that he prepared for me about this place that he knew would benefit me. I feel so grateful. It is as if He wrapped His arms around me and is not letting me feel worthless - the pain and sadness is still there, but it is so much less now because He is here. I don't know how else to describe it.

Chey and Lucy, you are right, God has a much better way. And it is times like these that are actually precious, when our hearts are the most open.

I will keep up with my prayers, studying and counseling. For now, all I can say is that I called on my Lord, and He answered my prayer, and it makes me cry to write this, but He heard and for some reason He is sparing me from a whole mountain of pain right now. And I slept very well last night!

What an incredible journey!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write back to me, and to pray and help me through this time! I appreciate it so much!
 
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