Abuse or Just the "Normal" of Marriage??

[Anneliese]

So, last night it happened again. I was making our dinner and he was going to heat up my burger and I asked him not to and he got mad at me because of it. I cried and told him I am allowed to make my own decisions and have my own opinions. He just huffed and walked away...This happens all the time. He gets frustrated at something, or even me, and then makes me feel so emotionally low that all I can do is cry.
Yes, he tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful and that he's glad he married me. But with one frustrated outburst, it erases all the nice words.
His Dad died last year in an car accident, which really sent him over the edge and this past October he had an emotional affair with a woman at his work. We lived in CO at the time and I kicked him out of the house when I found out (found a note in his pocket while doing laundry) and sent him back to NJ where he is from.
We met online 2 years ago and got married way too quickly. He has frontal lobe damage to his brain which affects his "consequence" zone and I never realized how bad it could be. He doesn't know he hurts others until after he's done it. Then he is truly sorry, but it's soo hard to live with this day in and day out.
I myself have a few medical disabilities that keep me from working and doing much. So, I feel really STUCK. I love this man with my whole heart, but am so tired of feeling emotionally beaten up. I have nowhere to go.
I moved to NJ this past January to patch things up with him and he promised he'd get into counseling. We both know that only God and counseling can help him. Yet, its 6 months later and he hasn't gone yet. Yes, we have been VERY poor and had no money to go and he can't drive because of his brain damage, but isn't that just excuses?
I know that fighting is part of every marriage and so of course is forgiveness. But I just can't tell if this is worse than every day married life for others???
Because I am disabled, there is no one out there that I can go to that can take care of me or help me if I needed to leave. So, I remain here. Confused, exhausted, in pain and stuck. I don't really have anyone to talk to either.
Please, can anyone help me sort this out???

 

[SamIam]

ohh im so sorry to hear about your situation, i really really am! That has to be really hard for you. I can only speak from personal experience here, one thing usually leads to another, First its the emotional part, the yelling name calling or just simply making you feel bad about yourself, then the oh im so sorry im so sorry i'll never do that or say that again, yet it continues to happen... .. Then after awhile it usually escalates to physical violence.... then the same pattern im sorry im sorry i'll never do that again kinda stuff. It is emotional abuse if he is callin you names when he's frustrated, making you feel like your worthless, things like that. If there is any way that the two of you could go to couseling i would suggest you do so, there is much to be worked out between the two of you. Have you talked to him without crying, seriously sat down and told him how you feel about the way he talks to you, and how it effects you. Im gonna be praying about your situation, and once again, im really sorry..

 

[faith79]

Anneliese, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know where you live, but even in small-ish towns in my experience, there are places and shelters for women to go to, and people who will help you. They might not necessarily be Christian, but if you get to a place where you really need to get out of your house - whether or not the situation goes from emotional to physical or just stays emotional - then someone can come help you get to a shelter. God uses believers as well as unbelievers to work things out for the better in our lives. I also am disabled and have experienced the feelings of being "stuck"... Psalm 34:17 - "The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles." All means 100%! The small troubles and the big ones - notice the verse doesn't distinguish between anything like that here. Yet we should never cease to trust, though in fact we do. The little sheep of God's flock have nothing to fear. This deliverance can also be done in the merest of instants - through confesion and a from-the-heart cry for help, God immediately answers - we are delivered from our stress, physical and/or mental - it vanishes in an instant and is replaced by a confidence and inexpressible peace. Depression and worry have no place here. The yoke is easy and the burden is light because God does all the "heavy lifting." The world would have us believe otherwise.
Psalm 33:18-19: "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine."
Blessings!! You and your husband will be in my prayers.

Faith

 

[iki]

hi, im sorryfor what your going. i know it feels awful.part of that was my life. i wanted to give up on everything not so long a go. but when i didnt know what to say or do. i just told GOD no more n this time is not a joke im pretty serious fo this.even though i didnt know what i was saying. i sleept. few hours n when i woke up to fix n get my husbans things ready.i notice i was still the same person. mad n i sadi to my self i dont care if his late or not at work.is his responsibility to be on time too.i went back to sleep.after a few minutes of sleep i woke up.it was late.i woke him up not knowing what to say or do. he didnt say anything, left without saying anything.but then i new i can go back to sleep if his working hard to suport us n do thigs for GOD n im here been lazy n having the good life.so i remeber a friend when i was young.he himself pass through a hard personall experience.it would had mad3e him quit or even commit suicide. but know he just pas tothe altar as much as he could n pray. i dont know what he said to GOD.or how he did it. but he just waited there on his knees just quietly n praying. n now hes fine. he continous with GOD.but his there with HIM.
what im saying is i know is hard, n unfair, n not knowing what to do. but one has to make the first move to GOD. to do it first with u personally. then let GOD know about your family.on that i mean your partner n then your n his family too. n whenever u can just pray to HIM calmly n be honest i just wanted to give up. but jet i just dont know how. or what to do. n wait. cause u cant change just by your self, or expect the other to change then u. no is what u want for your self n whats right for GOD. i still dont know what would happen later in my marrige but for now im calm n happy to be here writing this to you.just humble yourself to GOD with all your heart n HE will know what to do. BLess your husband as with all your calmness clean n purity as u can an wait n c what would happen. but your spiritually lfe will be secure n well protected with GOD. no matter what.
t.c. ill pray. might not always cause im human but GOD is faithfull until the end.

 

[dawnbreaking]

Ephesians 6:12-13 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

My dear sister in Christ Jesus,
I know your hurt is heavy and the burdon is great. Cast these to Jesus He is more than able to handle this situation. God hears your prayers rest in His loving arms sis. You are NEVER alone Christ Jesus is near always. I am not just sending sweet words to you sister These words are the truth I KNOW because i have lived the same hurt for along time dealing with mental illness's in the family. You are a beautiful very very blessed woman of God. God is for you when done all you can do just STAND!!!! Much love and prayers for you and your husband dear one,
Your sister in Christ... Theresa (Dawnbreaking)

 

[pickles]

Oh hun , I am so sorry. I wish I could give you an easy answer. But Im sure you know the answer in your heart. Try to get counciling at least for yourself as it will give you an understanding on how to live with this. It may motavate your hubby to do it also. I will keep you in my prayers and heart. Trust in Jesus also. God bless, pickles

 

[luke15chick]

that's domestic violence. Abusers choose the weak and vulnerable because they are the easiest to attack.

 

[iwant2serve]

Hi Anne if I may call you that. I have been married for 20 years and been on both sides of the fence. The thing I can tell you the most is if he wants to change it can happen. Although sometimes the one closest to you can't notice the change because of past events. My wife done something that I will suggest to you. She sought the face of God and laid me before Him. But she first laid herself before Him and allowed the change to happen in her life. Because of her actions I believe God honored her request. I am now saved and a preacher. so what I am saying is not the most popular thing you want to hear because you have tried it and saw no change. God can fix anything and I know this from experience. If two people really love eachother and want to make a marriage work nothing can break that marriage apart.

 

[BLC]

Believers do not have to live in their emotions and blame others every time they get frustrated. Why aren't we, as believers, going to God and getting grace to help in the time of need instead of living in the frustrations of our emotions all the time (Heb 4:16)? Both members of this marriage need God's healing grace not accusations of victimization. Only God understands the makeup of these two precious people and what that means in terms of their relationship. God has brought both of them to this point in their lives so that they will humble themselves and go after Him with all their heart. The promise from God is to humble yourself before the mighty hand of God and He will lift you up by giving you grace (James 4:6, 2Pt 5:5,6). ​

Don't look for any other provision then the grace of God. Grace will supply you with everything that is needed in the situation including giving you rest for your soul and giving you good emotions. Go after the God of all grace that will supply all your need according to His riches (Phil 4:19). If you continue to look at the situation without grace, you will continue to be discouraged never seeing what God will do through His grace. If God says that He will supply all your need, He will do that because He can't lie (1Kgs 8:56, Titus 1:2) and He wants you to trust Him instead of leaning on your own understanding of what is happening (Prov 3:5). It is the same for every believer, you have to humble yourself instead of looking for some way to escape from the situation because of what it is doing to your emotions. We are to walk by faith in the promises and provisions of God's grace and not by the evidence of what we see the situation is telling us by sight (2Cor 5:7).​

 

[Anneliese]

I just want to say that I really appreciate all of your responses. I am reading each one carefully and putting them before the Lord so that He can show the truth to me in it all. The last responder really gave me some good scripture to read and meditate on, which I really need right now. So, I thank you for that!
Blessings to you all,
Anneliese

 

[ryanwr1994]

i feel so bad for u if u ever need to talk im her
sincerly ryan

 

[pickles]

Annliese, I will not say much as I honor the healing God has given this person. But I know what you speak of. If your hubby is willing, If you stand strong in faith and trust God and make known that what is done to you should not be and your hubby lets Our Lord Jesus heal him. There is hope and healing. If you want pm me. God bless, pickles

 

[pickles]

Hi Anne if I may call you that. I have been married for 20 years and been on both sides of the fence. The thing I can tell you the most is if he wants to change it can happen. Although sometimes the one closest to you can't notice the change because of past events. My wife done something that I will suggest to you. She sought the face of God and laid me before Him. But she first laid herself before Him and allowed the change to happen in her life. Because of her actions I believe God honored her request. I am now saved and a preacher. so what I am saying is not the most popular thing you want to hear because you have tried it and saw no change. God can fix anything and I know this from experience. If two people really love eachother and want to make a marriage work nothing can break that marriage apart.

A huge amen!!! God bless, pickles