Aging Parents, Clueless Family

[Roughsoul1991]

Thank you sister, and each of you for making your points. As I said, it seems right now as if my sister is in a peaceful cycle with her husband. She very much feels that she loves this man and that God has called her to stay. She told me once that he is a good father, and I told her that anyone that abuses their wife is not a good father. I have not found evidence yet that he has put hands on her. His father did beat his mother, he told me that himself.

About a year ago my parents called me and told me my sister was looking for me. I told my husband to pray, it was serious. My sister never calls unless things are bad. She told me she had divorce papers. But at that point I feared for her safety and the boys. His family would uphold whatever he did. In fact his mother told my sister once that if she disappeared, not to look for her. Hinting that it was her husband that killed her. smh And so I begged her to let me and my husband get there before she did anything. By the time she arrived home she had changed her mind. And back into the peaceful cycle they went.

While my nephews are great kids and very respectful, I'm seeing signs in both that worry me. The youngest began to hoard garbage under his bed in his room. Then he did the same thing when he visited my parents. My sister talked to him and he couldn't say why he was doing it. She put both boys on meds, similar to their fathers. The oldest told me last visit that he was never going on those pills again, that they messed up his mind and stressed him. Personally I believe the boys were put on meds to keep them from causing my BIL any upset. To keep them calm.

My BIL and I personally have come close to blows. When I began to date my hubby, for some reason my BIL made lots of drama and he and I had a come to Jesus meeting. But now that I'm married he's very respectful of both of us. We have had peace in the family with him and he was even coming up and allowing the kids and my sister to come up here lately. Of course we want things to change, we want everyone to get along, to have peace. But it's like the waves on a sea. You never know where you stand.

A very odd thing is that since my sister has married my BIL has always told me crude jokes when no one else is around. Usually the jokes are sexual in nature. He's never made a pass at me, my sister and I look totally different, zero attraction there I'm certain. I always shrugged it off that he works with all men and doesn't realize the jokes are offensive, or too far. But one night my FB page was open and my hubby happened to see something my BIL had said to me. He was very upset and I shrugged and said he's always talked to me that way. He treats me like a trucker friend. My husband was very offended and said he would never speak to my sister like that. So I said he and I never communicate except over having the boys come to stay. It's not an issue. I limited our communication further. Yet still, when he catches me alone he tells these jokes. I don't tell my husband because I know he will do something about it, and then my BIL will pull back the kids and hurt my parents again.

When it comes down to it my sister will not let go of him. She does not eat. Very restrictive diet. She's getting older now and she's in a panic. She exercises to the point of exhaustion. She only eats when he doesn't visit with them. She's nothing but bones. I know she is doing it for his sake. My husband mentions how ill my sister looks. She thinks she looks young and attractive, and she is a beautiful woman, but looks like a Holocaust survivor. She believes God wants her to stay. As many times as she has said she is leaving, she has some peace and changes her mind. Other than prayer I don't see a way out. The last time she was here she told me my BIL was possibly running for mayor of their town. He's very involved in their small town. That worries me because I know he will take on the job and the pressure will be too much. There will be drama again and the peaceful cycle will be over. smh

Watch for bruises especially in areas that are easily covered. It it is the boys it could be as subtle as having them change into shorts. With our oldest teen years ago they visited and with shorts on we saw these darkened whelps on his legs but had no prior knowledge to suspect that level of abuse. We later would regret not taking pictures and reporting it.

My Sister in law SIL would never actually leave or stay away. Plus the man she was dating simply just googled my name and found our address without me sharing that info. It was alarming as he is also a ex-felon.

In fact he showed up on our doorstep after a year to drop off old stuff the boys had. He did it without notice or consent.

I hate that he did this or the fact he thinks it is okay. He lucky he just knocked and ran back to his car to quickly drive away or I would of felt threatened enough to pull my sidearm.

The point is, it is so easy to find people nowadays. And if they do get away, they need a restraining order, possibly move a good distance away and if he is crazy enough to stalk or pursue then they will always have to be on alert and ready to defend.

We are going to get a restraining order and a home security system on top of having dogs and firearms.

If he indeed is an abuser then this could be the reason of not allowing her to visit as much. The risk of exposing bruises or the risk of someone talking too much is too great to risk. But if you do find evidence make sure to try and get proof through photograph, eye witnesses, or the individual themselves to expose the truth.

 

[Rhomphaeam]

Sister @kaylagrl as promised.

Narrative:

When we speak of foundational truth, it may seem reasonable to assume that we are talking about doctrine. And whilst this does become its meaning, foundational truth speaks of something that precedes belief and rightly informs the importance of doctrine. Therefore, what is foundational truth?

"And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul."

"And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him."

"And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man."

"And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

In these few verses from Genesis Chapter two, we can see what foundational truth means. The interplay between these four verses speaks of the will and purpose of God, His creative authority, as well as the action in words of the man as an expression of that will and original work of God.

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

Scripture:

"And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul."
The Lord God planted a garden toward the east, in Eden; and there He placed the man whom He had formed. Out of the ground the Lord God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Now a river flowed out of Eden to water the garden; and from there it divided and became four rivers. The name of the first is Pishon; it flows around the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold. The gold of that land is good; the bdellium and the onyx stone are there. The name of the second river is Gihon; it flows around the whole land of Cush. The name of the third river is Tigris; it flows east of Assyria. And the fourth river is the Euphrates. Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The Lord God commanded the man, saying, “From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die.” And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

Direction:

For those of us who have a living faith, who are born again according to the will of God - the thing that matters in many situations is that somehow the will of God is done. This mind can arise by being at the end of ourselves and yet we still have a natural desire that is both good and reasonable. In this case the desire is expressed by yourself in this OP. Yet there's always a seeming paradox when trying to apply a reasonable desire that is in agreement with what God would want to see in the lives of husbands and wives and their children.

What becomes clear all to often is that what we ask of God never materialises when it comes to familial circumstances. Many children of believing parents ask God to deliver them from abusive parents and never receive deliverance. Many believing wives cry out to God for deliverance from their abusive husbands and they often do not receive deliverance. Children may learn to bear with abuse as a wife may also learn to bear with abuse - yet abuse is a reality in many peoples lives from which they find no release outwardly unless there is an intervention from an authoritative source. That can be pastoral or an eldership intervention and it can of course be child protection agencies with the accompanying agencies that support their work. The same can be said for the protection of women who are in abusive marriages.

Advice:

Set yourself apart for prayer and then speak to your husband and ask him to bless you in an ambition to interceded for your brother in law. What you explain is really a matter for you and your husband - but what you are seeking is his agreement and his blessing. You do not need to seek for his involvement directly unless it seems good to do that. Then on your own speak to your father and do the same thing - do that on your own even if your husband wants to be part of the intercession. It is important to understand that your father is not the principle party in this order. It is your husband - but more expressly it is yourself coming into the Father's presence through Christ - by the Holy Spirit and in the countenance of a woman.

Speak to the Father in prayer and fearfully remind Him that he made the man made He them - male and female - and ask him to arrest your brother in law and open a way to delivering him from whatever it is that ails him - in order that his wife can also be delivered and their two children. It is very important to understand that the term arrest isn't a litigant or legal meaning in a sense of governments and secular authorities. It is a meaning equivalent to the Father acting in His own sovereign will to bring your brother in law to a clear impasse in his effects on both his wife and his children. That sovereign act of the Father can then be ministered into by all the family members - including the children and pastors and elders. But first your brother in law must be arrested and brought to an impasse where he can neither go to the right or the left but must face straight ahead and face up to his improper use of his authority as a man when God made the man and took the woman from his body. God Bless you Sister and give you a mind to be an intercessor for your brother in law to the glory of God.

 

[Angela53510]

Thank you sister, and each of you for making your points. As I said, it seems right now as if my sister is in a peaceful cycle with her husband. She very much feels that she loves this man and that God has called her to stay. She told me once that he is a good father, and I told her that anyone that abuses their wife is not a good father. I have not found evidence yet that he has put hands on her. His father did beat his mother, he told me that himself.

About a year ago my parents called me and told me my sister was looking for me. I told my husband to pray, it was serious. My sister never calls unless things are bad. She told me she had divorce papers. But at that point I feared for her safety and the boys. His family would uphold whatever he did. In fact his mother told my sister once that if she disappeared, not to look for her. Hinting that it was her husband that killed her. smh And so I begged her to let me and my husband get there before she did anything. By the time she arrived home she had changed her mind. And back into the peaceful cycle they went.

While my nephews are great kids and very respectful, I'm seeing signs in both that worry me. The youngest began to hoard garbage under his bed in his room. Then he did the same thing when he visited my parents. My sister talked to him and he couldn't say why he was doing it. She put both boys on meds, similar to their fathers. The oldest told me last visit that he was never going on those pills again, that they messed up his mind and stressed him. Personally I believe the boys were put on meds to keep them from causing my BIL any upset. To keep them calm.

My BIL and I personally have come close to blows. When I began to date my hubby, for some reason my BIL made lots of drama and he and I had a come to Jesus meeting. But now that I'm married he's very respectful of both of us. We have had peace in the family with him and he was even coming up and allowing the kids and my sister to come up here lately. Of course we want things to change, we want everyone to get along, to have peace. But it's like the waves on a sea. You never know where you stand.

A very odd thing is that since my sister has married my BIL has always told me crude jokes when no one else is around. Usually the jokes are sexual in nature. He's never made a pass at me, my sister and I look totally different, zero attraction there I'm certain. I always shrugged it off that he works with all men and doesn't realize the jokes are offensive, or too far. But one night my FB page was open and my hubby happened to see something my BIL had said to me. He was very upset and I shrugged and said he's always talked to me that way. He treats me like a trucker friend. My husband was very offended and said he would never speak to my sister like that. So I said he and I never communicate except over having the boys come to stay. It's not an issue. I limited our communication further. Yet still, when he catches me alone he tells these jokes. I don't tell my husband because I know he will do something about it, and then my BIL will pull back the kids and hurt my parents again.

When it comes down to it my sister will not let go of him. She does not eat. Very restrictive diet. She's getting older now and she's in a panic. She exercises to the point of exhaustion. She only eats when he doesn't visit with them. She's nothing but bones. I know she is doing it for his sake. My husband mentions how ill my sister looks. She thinks she looks young and attractive, and she is a beautiful woman, but looks like a Holocaust survivor. She believes God wants her to stay. As many times as she has said she is leaving, she has some peace and changes her mind. Other than prayer I don't see a way out. The last time she was here she told me my BIL was possibly running for mayor of their town. He's very involved in their small town. That worries me because I know he will take on the job and the pressure will be too much. There will be drama again and the peaceful cycle will be over. smh

I'm so sad for your sister. It sounds like she has anorexia, which doesn't usually start this late. Anorexia is basically a power play for control. Since everything in her life is out of control, she is controlling her weight and diet. I remember seeing a show on TV once. The anorexic woman featured weighed 88 lbs. she was very underweight. They put her in front of a mirror, and she was stretching her skin. And saying it was fat. I don't know if she recovered. Some people don't.

In your sister's case, she will stay anorexic until she leaves her husband and gets extensive counselling for her body image problems. I had anorexia as a teen. I lost about 30 lbs, not that I was fat. My parents were always telling me I was obese. I weighed 80 lbs less than I do know. I just stopped eating, my parents were so abusive and controlling. Once, I was walking down the hall in the middle of our country club. My father came up to me and screamed at me about how ugly and fat I was. Many people saw this incident, no one phoned child welfare, it wasn't done in those days. So, I started dieting and got carried away and stopped eating. I got constant compliments, didn't want to start eating. But I finally ran away from home at 16, and took control of my life, and started eating. I went back home, and by Jan., I had left for good.

At least I had the opportunity to take control of my life, and allowed myself to eat again. Your sister has nothing, really!
in light of this anorexia, I urge you to get your sister away from that man and home. She could die from many reasons, including starving herself to death. Saying she is in a honeymoon period does not help her. Do some research in the Cycle of Abuse, and give her information. Also on anorexia. It may not help right away, but the next time the tensions rise, and he gets abusive, she may remember what she read! Or not!

Praying for you and your husband being caught in this dreadful situation. And for your sister to see the truth, and get help. She really needs it!

PS check and see if you have a woman's shelter that offers daytime courses on the Cycle of Abuse. Being in a group setting, learning the signs of abuse, and hearing others talk about their lives, might help her.