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The stress of not having a job and an uncertain financial future spills over into relationships all the time. We all have our ways of ''acting out''. Stress affects us differently but the core of it may be the same. For example, she is pregnant and has no job. You are also in that pregnancy and have no job.
You are both Christians which is a huge blessing. So I would say getting back to the biblical principles of marriage and the roles of men and women in that marriage is key. Finding that common understanding and building from there. Life is so much easier when you have love and strong support at home.
You can definitely unload your thoughts and frustrations here. It does help to have an outlet to let things out. But keep being the man God wants you to be and continue to fight for your marriage.
God Bless....
You are both Christians which is a huge blessing. So I would say getting back to the biblical principles of marriage and the roles of men and women in that marriage is key. Finding that common understanding and building from there. Life is so much easier when you have love and strong support at home.
You can definitely unload your thoughts and frustrations here. It does help to have an outlet to let things out. But keep being the man God wants you to be and continue to fight for your marriage.
God Bless....
C
Yeah, I was looking into some of these and as i mentioned before,it strikes me more as histronic personality disorder.
I guess I want to be careful labeling,but ive delt with personality disorders and know ive seen these symptoms before.
If she knew i was feeling the way i am.over her words,she might feel bad for a minute,but I know itd only take a minute for her to shuffle the blame onto something or someone else.
I guess I want to be careful labeling,but ive delt with personality disorders and know ive seen these symptoms before.
If she knew i was feeling the way i am.over her words,she might feel bad for a minute,but I know itd only take a minute for her to shuffle the blame onto something or someone else.
This person hit the nail on the head. I believe I am dealing with this. When I told our counselor this who was Christian as well, it didn't matter unless your loved one was willing to take tests to get a diagnosis. So.....I once again did what I have done before, I gave it to God. I work on myself and just accept it's a sickness, and I promised in sickness and in health. It explains a lot of what has been happening in my decades of marriage.
Look it up, BPD...it's all over. God Bless you! God is helping my husband and I know it's because of my faithfulness to thee.
Look it up, BPD...it's all over. God Bless you! God is helping my husband and I know it's because of my faithfulness to thee.
Really? cause it sounds like a lack of understanding on your part and a lack of insight on hers. Do you really think telling her how wrong and to blame she is will make anything better, or will it make it worse? The more you pick at her flaws and tell her she's defective, the more she'll feel far more defective and 'to blame' than she already does. Why do you think she shifts blame on to you? Because she hates feeling like there's something 'wrong' with her.
Why, instead of trying to pry in there and break the lock with a crowbar, don't you get a key that fits and start to understand why she actually does the things she does? It's no use to say 'she does these things, so she's BPD, so it's her fault. Discussion over'. How does that help her? All it does it make you feel like 'see, I told you so'.
I've lived with a mother, and a girlfriend, who were exactly the same as your partner. What was her growing up like? Was she abandoned at any point? Shifted around? Fostered? Did anything overly traumatic happen to her? Something out of her control? Something that shook her and changed her?
There's a reason she's the way she is. All that shifting blame and not wanting to take responsibility is probably to do with a big sense of guilt or regret over things in her life. Like perhaps she lives with a lot of self-doubt, self-hatred, unconfidence, lack of self-belief and so when someone tells her 'you're doing this wrong', her first reaction is one like 'don't tell me I'm wrong, YOU are wrong'. It's so she doesn't have to feel a certain way. It's not that she isn't empathetic or sympathetic of others, she probably understands full well what it feels like not to be listened to, to be ignored, to have your needs unmet (as you feel), and it's exactly why she chooses to point fingers first and mull about it later.
What's really 'normal' anyway? Most people walk around with a mask and won't be who they are. I guarantee if everyone let their insecurities and flaws out, we'd all have some sort of disorder according to the shrinks. You can't think about this in black and white terms because it isn't a black and white problem. It's subjective to you.
And you need to ask yourself why you're really here. Is it cause your wife annoys you and you wanna be validated, for someone to say 'you're right'? Is it cause you keep telling her she's wrong but she doesn't listen, and you want her to know that it's her fault and SHE's the problem? Or is it cause you feel affection and compassion for your wife and want to help her out of whatever circular state of mind she's in so that she can be less on edge, and you can both begin to understand one-another a bit better?
that sounds blunt, but at the end of the day, you can't expect her to become what your image of 'good wife' is, and put on a face and just 'stop what she's doing'. That's totally unfair if we're gonna look at this from the view of what makes a good marriage and a good follower. If you really want to be out for HER as a friend, lover and husband, I'd start understanding where her perspective on the world actually comes from. Become her counsel, not her nagging aggressor.
Why, instead of trying to pry in there and break the lock with a crowbar, don't you get a key that fits and start to understand why she actually does the things she does? It's no use to say 'she does these things, so she's BPD, so it's her fault. Discussion over'. How does that help her? All it does it make you feel like 'see, I told you so'.
I've lived with a mother, and a girlfriend, who were exactly the same as your partner. What was her growing up like? Was she abandoned at any point? Shifted around? Fostered? Did anything overly traumatic happen to her? Something out of her control? Something that shook her and changed her?
There's a reason she's the way she is. All that shifting blame and not wanting to take responsibility is probably to do with a big sense of guilt or regret over things in her life. Like perhaps she lives with a lot of self-doubt, self-hatred, unconfidence, lack of self-belief and so when someone tells her 'you're doing this wrong', her first reaction is one like 'don't tell me I'm wrong, YOU are wrong'. It's so she doesn't have to feel a certain way. It's not that she isn't empathetic or sympathetic of others, she probably understands full well what it feels like not to be listened to, to be ignored, to have your needs unmet (as you feel), and it's exactly why she chooses to point fingers first and mull about it later.
What's really 'normal' anyway? Most people walk around with a mask and won't be who they are. I guarantee if everyone let their insecurities and flaws out, we'd all have some sort of disorder according to the shrinks. You can't think about this in black and white terms because it isn't a black and white problem. It's subjective to you.
And you need to ask yourself why you're really here. Is it cause your wife annoys you and you wanna be validated, for someone to say 'you're right'? Is it cause you keep telling her she's wrong but she doesn't listen, and you want her to know that it's her fault and SHE's the problem? Or is it cause you feel affection and compassion for your wife and want to help her out of whatever circular state of mind she's in so that she can be less on edge, and you can both begin to understand one-another a bit better?
that sounds blunt, but at the end of the day, you can't expect her to become what your image of 'good wife' is, and put on a face and just 'stop what she's doing'. That's totally unfair if we're gonna look at this from the view of what makes a good marriage and a good follower. If you really want to be out for HER as a friend, lover and husband, I'd start understanding where her perspective on the world actually comes from. Become her counsel, not her nagging aggressor.
A
Ariel, I don't really care about the mess...well, I do...but that isn't really the issue.
Something she said last night. "I'm fine with it." refering to the dishes in the sink, but then on a 20 minute rant about the coffee area (she's not a coffee drinker) and how cluttered it is. I have the coffee pot and an espresso machine there.
I was just shocked that she had the audacity to bring up a reasonably neat, although crowded corner of the kicthen an how crazy it makes her, when the dining table and desk have been unseen for months because of the stuff on it.
The boy, well, he's a 14 year old boy that hasn't had any self discipline modeled for him. So I find it hard to blame him, except when I've asked him to do something a certian way a dozen times and momma comes rolling in like Im the bad guy.
I'm just tired of it.
Yeah, we had a great counselor at our church, and I've suggested that. The response was that maybe I should go alone and get over my "issues", because she doesn't have any.
That alone bothered me, but when she started in on the "It wasn't me" bit while I just watched her do it...
Due to my previous marriage, I've learned that I need to stop and account for all of my own behavior first. Cuz, let's face it, contrary to popular opinion, I'm not perfect.
So Ive taken inventory. I just feel like she's trying to convince me of a lie. Much the way my ex-wife did. I just didn't buy it. And I think that' what's frustrating her as well. I'm not buying it.
I've kind of resigned myself to the idea that she may not be able to change and I feel like shes using our marriage and child as a type of tether, holding me to this bizarre behavior.
I may go myself. Just to see if I can figure out a way to handle it with out having extreme measures.
I'm sorry, maybe I need to stop ranting.
Something she said last night. "I'm fine with it." refering to the dishes in the sink, but then on a 20 minute rant about the coffee area (she's not a coffee drinker) and how cluttered it is. I have the coffee pot and an espresso machine there.
I was just shocked that she had the audacity to bring up a reasonably neat, although crowded corner of the kicthen an how crazy it makes her, when the dining table and desk have been unseen for months because of the stuff on it.
The boy, well, he's a 14 year old boy that hasn't had any self discipline modeled for him. So I find it hard to blame him, except when I've asked him to do something a certian way a dozen times and momma comes rolling in like Im the bad guy.
I'm just tired of it.
Yeah, we had a great counselor at our church, and I've suggested that. The response was that maybe I should go alone and get over my "issues", because she doesn't have any.
That alone bothered me, but when she started in on the "It wasn't me" bit while I just watched her do it...
Due to my previous marriage, I've learned that I need to stop and account for all of my own behavior first. Cuz, let's face it, contrary to popular opinion, I'm not perfect.
So Ive taken inventory. I just feel like she's trying to convince me of a lie. Much the way my ex-wife did. I just didn't buy it. And I think that' what's frustrating her as well. I'm not buying it.
I've kind of resigned myself to the idea that she may not be able to change and I feel like shes using our marriage and child as a type of tether, holding me to this bizarre behavior.
I may go myself. Just to see if I can figure out a way to handle it with out having extreme measures.
I'm sorry, maybe I need to stop ranting.
I think going to the counselor yourself might be helpful. maybe he will be able to help you learn how to communicate with her without getting her to be offended or get so defensive.
most likely there is an underlying cause for her insecurity and refusal to accept responsibility ( i hate to say blame because neither or you want to give or accept blame for anything)
try to focus on the solutions instead of making it a problem. don't know if that makes sense. have to tuck in kids. God bless and keep you.
C
Ephriam,
1. I think you're reading more into what I said than I did.
2. Its not like I haven't been trying to communicate with her.
There's a reason why she doesn't feel safe being vulnerable. Now, I'm not the person to walk her through her lifetime of hurts, wounds and defense strategies, which I am aware of and try to be empathetic about it. I just don't have the tools to walk her through it effectively, where a counselor would. It's been trying to get her to see that it's a problem and join me in working through our baggage together.
She's aware she has some serious issues. She's told me about them. She's aware of it. I'm aware of it. What I feel she's not aware of, and refuses to take into account is how it affects others.
I appreciate the bluntness, but I am confident is saying I am not her nagging aggressor.
How the whole thing started:
She communicates that shoes off at the door is important to her.
"That's cool. I can do that."
I communicate that dinner at the dinner table with our family is important to me. (for the umpteeth time)
"I'm fine with it like it is. I don't care. If you don't like it, you clean it up. It's what I'd be doing if you didn't live here."
Trying to communicate beyond that point is fruitless.
Meanwhile, she expresses some embarrassment when people come over because of the two foot high piles of old receipts, mail and empty cereal boxes in the dining area.
Trying to discuss why she's feeling that way (because, obviously, it doesn't feed into a healthy marriage), turns into delving into some conversation I had with my dad 7 years ago and why I'm this raging jerk for even bringing it up.
I mean, obviously, she's feeling attacked. But in my other relationships with people, bringing things up this way has never set anyone off like this. I have no doubt the extended unemployment, baby and relatively new marriage is putting stress on things.
I guess I was hoping for a little validation in that I'm seeing things for what they are, leaving open the possibility and probability that I'm missing something and some insight on how to handle it and hopefully, solicit some prayers.
I appreciate your comments.
1. I think you're reading more into what I said than I did.
2. Its not like I haven't been trying to communicate with her.
There's a reason why she doesn't feel safe being vulnerable. Now, I'm not the person to walk her through her lifetime of hurts, wounds and defense strategies, which I am aware of and try to be empathetic about it. I just don't have the tools to walk her through it effectively, where a counselor would. It's been trying to get her to see that it's a problem and join me in working through our baggage together.
She's aware she has some serious issues. She's told me about them. She's aware of it. I'm aware of it. What I feel she's not aware of, and refuses to take into account is how it affects others.
I appreciate the bluntness, but I am confident is saying I am not her nagging aggressor.
How the whole thing started:
She communicates that shoes off at the door is important to her.
"That's cool. I can do that."
I communicate that dinner at the dinner table with our family is important to me. (for the umpteeth time)
"I'm fine with it like it is. I don't care. If you don't like it, you clean it up. It's what I'd be doing if you didn't live here."
Trying to communicate beyond that point is fruitless.
Meanwhile, she expresses some embarrassment when people come over because of the two foot high piles of old receipts, mail and empty cereal boxes in the dining area.
Trying to discuss why she's feeling that way (because, obviously, it doesn't feed into a healthy marriage), turns into delving into some conversation I had with my dad 7 years ago and why I'm this raging jerk for even bringing it up.
I mean, obviously, she's feeling attacked. But in my other relationships with people, bringing things up this way has never set anyone off like this. I have no doubt the extended unemployment, baby and relatively new marriage is putting stress on things.
I guess I was hoping for a little validation in that I'm seeing things for what they are, leaving open the possibility and probability that I'm missing something and some insight on how to handle it and hopefully, solicit some prayers.
I appreciate your comments.
A
Prayers definitely.
this may be the brat in me but I would leave the shoes all over the place and if she says anything about it. repeat her words
"I'm fine with it like it is. I don't care. If you don't like it, you clean it up. It's what I'd be doing if you didn't live here."
then when she gets mad or upset. use it as an opening to talk about how you are willing to change to not annoy her and how you understand she has some things she likes done but she has to be willing to change and do some things as well because the point is YOU DO live together.
to make a marriage work both people have to love the other person enough to want to please them and change little things.
like fold underwear and put silverwear in the tray from largest to smallest...<still thinks it is strange but anyways> lol. I'm sure he does things he thinks are strange just to make me happy. like buy pineapple when he's allergic to it.
this may be the brat in me but I would leave the shoes all over the place and if she says anything about it. repeat her words
"I'm fine with it like it is. I don't care. If you don't like it, you clean it up. It's what I'd be doing if you didn't live here."
then when she gets mad or upset. use it as an opening to talk about how you are willing to change to not annoy her and how you understand she has some things she likes done but she has to be willing to change and do some things as well because the point is YOU DO live together.
to make a marriage work both people have to love the other person enough to want to please them and change little things.
like fold underwear and put silverwear in the tray from largest to smallest...<still thinks it is strange but anyways> lol. I'm sure he does things he thinks are strange just to make me happy. like buy pineapple when he's allergic to it.
Well I do understand. On a practical level, with your own emotions and your own feelings, your own attachment to her and the rejection and invalidation you face, it does become very difficult. And perhaps I forgot to include that but I just thought you would sense that I knew how it feels. I do know. and sometimes you need to let it out and just be listened to for how you feel instead of someone offering a solution or coming across like they are somehow defending the person who is causing you all this frustration. I hope you understand I was just putting forth my views on this. You know yourself, that expressing your emotions to her is often fruitless because she takes it all as a personal attack, hence why I suggested making the focus on hers.
A counsellor would be an absolutely GREAT idea, but you need to open that door for her and let her see through it a little bit, hence why you have to be the one to start off this process, and once she sees the corridor she's in now, and the bright blue sky that sits through the door on the horizon, then hopefully she'll walk through it and keep walking towards it. Y'know?
A counsellor would be an absolutely GREAT idea, but you need to open that door for her and let her see through it a little bit, hence why you have to be the one to start off this process, and once she sees the corridor she's in now, and the bright blue sky that sits through the door on the horizon, then hopefully she'll walk through it and keep walking towards it. Y'know?