Am I just being jealous or does this pose a problem?

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tammyj

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Hi,
Am I just being jealous? My husband frequently goes out of his way to stare at womens body parts. Upper parts to be exact. Am I just being jealous or is this a sign of what may be to come. Sometimes I don't think he even realizes what he's doing. For example, this woman came into the room one time and her parts were about 2 ft. from his face and he was so distracted that he litterally couldn't lift his eyes from their. It was like he was hypnotized. She and I were staring at him like he'd lost his mind. I was embarrased. :confused:It didn't help the fact that way too much cleavage was showing. Other times he knows exactly what he is doing and goes out of his way to position himself in a room where he can stare. :mad:
Do I let this go? We are all human and notice beauty, but does this go too far? We've talked about it but it hasn't changed and in fact has gotten worse, in that he now tries to hide it. I don't even want to be in public with him anymore. Am I just being stupid and jealous? I ask that because my self-esteem takes a hit when a pretty woman walks in the room and he begins to stare. Noticing is fine but staring is different I believe.
 
I agree with the other two, that is a very huge red flag that should not go unnoticed. You have every right to be mad at him (in my opinion). Something has to be done asap because it's not good for a married man to look at another woman lustfully that way.
 
Sharp said:
That's a problem.
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Are their Christian men out their that don't do this, or is this the behavior of all men. Christian or not?
What's a woman to do? I'm at a loss. Is my marriage over? Have I just not realized it yet?
 
I've been married for 20 years and have 3 kids. I can't just throw that away. What do I do?
 
tammyj said:
I've been married for 20 years and have 3 kids. I can't just throw that away. What do I do?
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Here's the thing, at least from my own experiences.

I don't have to do it much anymore, but sometimes I will if I see a girl who is clearly and obviously flaunting her chest through low cut shirts/push up bras. Usually, I FORCE myself to look straight into their eyes, never wavering, IF I think I might. Usually, I don't even think about it, but there ARE cases where women generally do their best to draw attention to that area.

The problem is, men are naturally very physically oriented. Our first attraction is based on a woman's body and physical features. Obviously, personality matters beyond that, but we will always be naturally tied to physical things.

Women are far more emotional/personality attracted than men. That being said, I don't think women are THAT different in the physical attraction department, except that women will generally acknowledge another woman's beauty herself. There is a strong reason why there are so many "lesbians" in the world, compared to gay men. Both are unfortunate, but you get the idea.

Anyway, for men to "stare" is sort of a natural reaction for us in a lot of ways. We have to train ourselves to not do that, especially since most women try their best to draw eyes and attention to those areas we shouldn't be looking at. I don't really understand a woman who says "STOP STARTING AT MY BREASTS" if they are wearing a low cut shirt, push up bra, and walk with their chest sticking out. It's self defeating.

As far as your husband goes, has he always been like this, or is it simply a recent thing? If he has always done it, then he simply needs to be taught and/or train himself to STOP doing it. If it is a recent thing, you might have a problem.

Either way, the only way you can fix it is to discuss this with him. You absolutely NEED to talk to him about it, and tell him how much it bothers you. Men DON'T get the obvious that easily if you don't tell us what we are doing wrong. The fact that he hides it now is a bad thing, but he must think he can just get away with it I guess.

My best advice, despite how young and maybe not as qualified as others (I'm not married!): Talk to him, keep talking to him, continue to talk to him more, and eventually either you will see a breakthrough, or you have a larger problem on your hands. Either way, you will get answers one way or another.
 
Dear tammyj,

I believe that there isn't a man alive who hasn't looked lustfully at other women at times in his life; probably more than once. This is one of the devil's favorite tricks (I think) to create dissension in our marriages and prompt us to commit other sins. I believe that God recognizes this failing in mankind (He is so perceptive of human nature). That is why Jesus said "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)

However, I think you need to weigh your husband's tendency to look at other women against the whole of his performance as a husband. I'm not saying that you should condone it, but if this is his only fault, you need to be careful not to overreact. Is he a believer like you? Is his commitment to Christ as strong as yours? If so, I would suggest that you talk frankly to him about your concerns and tell him you are worried. He may not be conscious of the fact he is doing it; especially if he does not actually harbor any lecherous thoughts. That is a possibility.

In any event, I do not believe that just looking is sufficient reason for ending a marriage. You need to confront him with your concerns (in love) and give him a chance to explain himself. Pray that God will open his eyes (no pun intended) to what he is doing, and direct his steps along a more godly path.

God bless you.
 
not that my opinion really matters but it seems like a very trival reason to divorce someone... it seems like a foible to me... i suppose you would have to ask yourself if you can forgive him... and then forgive him seventy times seven for every time. there is a place to be angry.. but anger is a fire and it can burn everything, or it can keep you warm so you dont freeze... i think what you could do would be to have the compassion and mercy of Jesus Christ who heard the supplication of prostitues lepers and tax collectors, all of whom were considered to be beyond the Grace of God, too far gone you might say... is forgiveness hard? only when a persons heart is hardened by the weight of this world as all hearts are, but Jesus Christ can soften your heart to see the best way to help him... and it is i think more of a problem for his own salvation than it is for yours... But the Lord in Heaven forgives all offences with a sincere request for forgiveness... it really cannot be promted from a person to change.. then they will feel forced into a decision they do not fully agree with... there is no way to tell somebody that they are wrong that is easy... but there is a way to tell them how you feel about something with compassion
God bless you and your husband, whos bond will echo in heaven, made perfect in our Lord and God and Savior Jesus Christ!!
 
I highly reccomend you grab yourself a copy of the book 'Every Man's Battle' by Stephen Afterburn.

This book is not only a tool to help men overcome their problem with sexual sin (and ALL men Christian or not struggle with this in one form or another), but it gives women an insight into why men are like this- and why they struggle.

It's easy for women to think those men must be perverts- but that's not always the case. Men and women are wired differently, and as such stimulated by different things- men are aroused simply by sight...usually it takes more for a woman.

I won't go into details, but I DO know what you're going through. I recently discovered some issues with my husband (a little deeper than just staring at a woman)..and at first I was upset, mad, angry all of those things. But, then I asked him why- and really wanted to get to the bottom of what causes the problem. I was glad he was honest with me, and I was determined to try and help him and support him however I can, so he can overcome this battle.

Yes, it hurts. I felt betrayed, violated- a number of emotions, but he needs my support right now-if he can't get it from me- what hope is there?

I think you need to talk to your husband, and ask him if he realises what he is doing. Ask him does he know how it makes you feel (not to mention the other women), and ask him if there is some reason he can pinpoint as the root of the problem. The first step is getting him to acknowledge he has a problem, then finding his motive. Is he WILLING to get help? If he is, talk about it and start there. Also ask him how HE feels about it. Does he feel traped by this in his life? Is it a bondage to him? Does he want out? That's the start.


And if he IS willing to seek help, start actively (but gently) taking steps to help him. Depending on what his issue is there are a number of options available.
Good Luck. I'll be praying.
 
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Its a flag in most peoples standards... though i guess loose relationships are not unheard of.
I'm with Pinemeadow on the points of forgiveness, but it is an issue he needs to accept and work on, I don't like forgiveness on people who haven't changed and should know better.
 
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