My greatest blight is that of uncertainty and doubt. I skewer every thought and thing which I hear and scrutinize each to no end. My greatest need is for faith, trust, and hope, which I lack, and I know that in lacking these, other things are amiss, that is, I am too self-reliant, but in the process of giving way to my questioning nature, I have also forgotten what a foolish, helpless, and weak minded person that I am. A passage that keeps running through my mind over and over and over again are the words of Agur in Proverbs 30, "Surely I am more brutish than any man, and have not the understanding of a man. I neither learned wisdom, nor have the knowledge of the holy."
I do not wish to continue living on the way that I have been the past few years. I am tired of slipping into hopelessness and giving way to my skeptical nature. I was angry when I found so many people to be untrustworthy, and I did not trust God like I should have, but then in the process I learned something troubling, in which I found myself to be the most untrustworthy of all. If you cannot trust anyone else, and if you lose trust in God, then the only one left is yourself, and when you find yourself to be so weak, miserable, and unreliable, then how can you stand? Where is your foundation? Where is your hope?
This past year was a struggle in trying to regain attention and focus on God and to take up my hope and trust in Him again. It seemed that with each step of progress made, I slid backward again twofold more. It wasn't until recently, within these past few months that I experienced a great awakening and realization. I need God, desperately so. What was hindering me before? How I viewed God, and how I viewed myself. Self-loathing and deprecation had become my close companions, while resentment and bitterness were nestled in my heart. The reason why I made no progress was because of blindness. How can one walk properly and find the light when these companions are walked with, hand-in-hand?
Questions are important when it comes to our walk with God, and I was asking all the wrong questions. It wasn't until I started asking these questions, why was I not making progress? Where was this resistance towards scripture coming from within my heart?
I do not wish to continue living on the way that I have been the past few years. I am tired of slipping into hopelessness and giving way to my skeptical nature. I was angry when I found so many people to be untrustworthy, and I did not trust God like I should have, but then in the process I learned something troubling, in which I found myself to be the most untrustworthy of all. If you cannot trust anyone else, and if you lose trust in God, then the only one left is yourself, and when you find yourself to be so weak, miserable, and unreliable, then how can you stand? Where is your foundation? Where is your hope?
This past year was a struggle in trying to regain attention and focus on God and to take up my hope and trust in Him again. It seemed that with each step of progress made, I slid backward again twofold more. It wasn't until recently, within these past few months that I experienced a great awakening and realization. I need God, desperately so. What was hindering me before? How I viewed God, and how I viewed myself. Self-loathing and deprecation had become my close companions, while resentment and bitterness were nestled in my heart. The reason why I made no progress was because of blindness. How can one walk properly and find the light when these companions are walked with, hand-in-hand?
Questions are important when it comes to our walk with God, and I was asking all the wrong questions. It wasn't until I started asking these questions, why was I not making progress? Where was this resistance towards scripture coming from within my heart?