J
JustAnotherUser
Guest
I honestly don't know what I've been, but I don't like the person I became.
Seeing everyone's testimonies with happy endings and how they were intervened when they can no longer take it. I am happy for you guys, really. I may not have read all of them but what I've read thus far has been great. It's when you see these happy endings around you and yet you feel like there will never be one for yourself is what is troubling me right now.
I have no idea what to even do. I do have some idea, really, I hope to go through with it. Though I can't say the same for 'everything' since one of them requires for it to be over with. Yes, you likely read right. I'm scared to do it but at the same time I know that the outcome will never change due to it. I've been afraid for way too long.
I'll be honest. I have nothing. No value when it comes to myself and at certain points feel the same for others. I really don't want to lose that value but it gets taken away so easily for me. I end up saying this horrific things that I forbid myself to say at one point even if others around me say it (using the Lord's name in vain, specifically, along with many other nasty things I can say to someone). Now it's like I can say it left and right even if it's in my head. The whole blasphemy thing I was never too aware about but now I realize I may have blew that chance as well. As much as I really want the heart and peaceful mind for anything, it strips away sooner or later and I know that the only person who's allowing this to happen is me.
I've realized that even if it may never seem it to others, deep down I am very well broken. I am quite a complainer but I can guarantee you that if you ever saw me in person, you likely would just see me as some chipper type of person who doesn't take much seriously. I've been told that when communicating to others that it seems like I take things so lightly. It's a whole different story deep down, however. I take too much so deeply. I think it doesn't help with the type of communication I've had with others, family or friends (at least former friends) since if we even were able to talk normally, it's through acting all weird about it. Speaking of which, the only way I can really seem to get through when it comes to family is through arguing and that seems to be like some daily ritual for us. I haven't been having the best relationship with my father for reasons that I still don't feel comfortable on sharing and it's not like he's doing anything to change his ways so I don't expect him to. Same for my mother with her own ways too. I gave up on myself a while ago.
Speaking of which, my father's physical health hasn't been the best for him ever since he had a breakdown a few years back that threw us off even more. He seems to be caring less and I think the medications he takes aren't helping him along. His doctor isn't doing that much either for him but he refuses to switch. My mother has been submissive for the wrong reasons that makes my father find it way easy to manipulate her and he has used his conditions to get his way while leaving us nearly at a nervous wreck. My resentment towards him has been so strong and deep down it truly does hurt. Sometimes I wish he wasn't the way that he was and that's what made me say nasty things to him, even today I did. We barely ever talk. My mother just stands in the background and tries to suppress the whole thing. Funny thing because back when I was a kid it was her whole would have my parents argue so much when they were both home and it left me in a way damaged with what was said as well as events that came from this.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but honestly I just want change. I know the better option is to just leave from this since nobody is willing to make any changes, but I really have nowhere to go and I'm scared. I wanted help but I can't seem to get myself to get any. My paranoia has been so strong and all I want to do is coop myself for the rest of my life if not ending it. How can I reach out if nobody will believe me anyway? What do I even say? What even matters out of this? I have nobody to turn to and rightfully so since I pushed them out, thinking I was better off alone.
What can I do to at least see that there's some sort of hope? Hope for my life, hope for my parents too. My mother claims she's still Catholic and I don't think my father really believes in anything since I asked him at one point and he hesitated. They're into the whole mediums and thinking that people can invest their time talking to the dead and whatnot and I hate it a lot. I used to be involved in stuff like that but not anymore and I regret it since I am convinced that a lot of the mess we're in has been resulted from spiritual attacks (which is a long story in of itself). I would love to just sit down with them and somehow we could function normally and go about our lives. I want us to be a family, not being under the same roof and become strangers. I want to change but I don't see any hope or how I can go about it. I really am considering suicide more than I have before. I deserve all of this and I know it and I'm such a wimp for it. I'm just needing to cry for help and if this is the only way then I guess that's what it will be. I literally have no self control at this point and I'm scared of that too.
Seeing everyone's testimonies with happy endings and how they were intervened when they can no longer take it. I am happy for you guys, really. I may not have read all of them but what I've read thus far has been great. It's when you see these happy endings around you and yet you feel like there will never be one for yourself is what is troubling me right now.
I have no idea what to even do. I do have some idea, really, I hope to go through with it. Though I can't say the same for 'everything' since one of them requires for it to be over with. Yes, you likely read right. I'm scared to do it but at the same time I know that the outcome will never change due to it. I've been afraid for way too long.
I'll be honest. I have nothing. No value when it comes to myself and at certain points feel the same for others. I really don't want to lose that value but it gets taken away so easily for me. I end up saying this horrific things that I forbid myself to say at one point even if others around me say it (using the Lord's name in vain, specifically, along with many other nasty things I can say to someone). Now it's like I can say it left and right even if it's in my head. The whole blasphemy thing I was never too aware about but now I realize I may have blew that chance as well. As much as I really want the heart and peaceful mind for anything, it strips away sooner or later and I know that the only person who's allowing this to happen is me.
I've realized that even if it may never seem it to others, deep down I am very well broken. I am quite a complainer but I can guarantee you that if you ever saw me in person, you likely would just see me as some chipper type of person who doesn't take much seriously. I've been told that when communicating to others that it seems like I take things so lightly. It's a whole different story deep down, however. I take too much so deeply. I think it doesn't help with the type of communication I've had with others, family or friends (at least former friends) since if we even were able to talk normally, it's through acting all weird about it. Speaking of which, the only way I can really seem to get through when it comes to family is through arguing and that seems to be like some daily ritual for us. I haven't been having the best relationship with my father for reasons that I still don't feel comfortable on sharing and it's not like he's doing anything to change his ways so I don't expect him to. Same for my mother with her own ways too. I gave up on myself a while ago.
Speaking of which, my father's physical health hasn't been the best for him ever since he had a breakdown a few years back that threw us off even more. He seems to be caring less and I think the medications he takes aren't helping him along. His doctor isn't doing that much either for him but he refuses to switch. My mother has been submissive for the wrong reasons that makes my father find it way easy to manipulate her and he has used his conditions to get his way while leaving us nearly at a nervous wreck. My resentment towards him has been so strong and deep down it truly does hurt. Sometimes I wish he wasn't the way that he was and that's what made me say nasty things to him, even today I did. We barely ever talk. My mother just stands in the background and tries to suppress the whole thing. Funny thing because back when I was a kid it was her whole would have my parents argue so much when they were both home and it left me in a way damaged with what was said as well as events that came from this.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but honestly I just want change. I know the better option is to just leave from this since nobody is willing to make any changes, but I really have nowhere to go and I'm scared. I wanted help but I can't seem to get myself to get any. My paranoia has been so strong and all I want to do is coop myself for the rest of my life if not ending it. How can I reach out if nobody will believe me anyway? What do I even say? What even matters out of this? I have nobody to turn to and rightfully so since I pushed them out, thinking I was better off alone.
What can I do to at least see that there's some sort of hope? Hope for my life, hope for my parents too. My mother claims she's still Catholic and I don't think my father really believes in anything since I asked him at one point and he hesitated. They're into the whole mediums and thinking that people can invest their time talking to the dead and whatnot and I hate it a lot. I used to be involved in stuff like that but not anymore and I regret it since I am convinced that a lot of the mess we're in has been resulted from spiritual attacks (which is a long story in of itself). I would love to just sit down with them and somehow we could function normally and go about our lives. I want us to be a family, not being under the same roof and become strangers. I want to change but I don't see any hope or how I can go about it. I really am considering suicide more than I have before. I deserve all of this and I know it and I'm such a wimp for it. I'm just needing to cry for help and if this is the only way then I guess that's what it will be. I literally have no self control at this point and I'm scared of that too.